Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have trust funds. Does that make it okay? Let me know, k!

In my opinion, no. I don’t think like the OP that it is a hard and fast rule not to have children in your 40’s. But I generally agree it’s not the best idea. Who wants a 65 year old parent when you are 20? And to potentially have to come to grips with your parent’s decline just as you are starting your own adult life? I know nothing is guaranteed in this life. But if I were looking to have a child, I would start well before 40 to set them up for the most success.

How many 65year olds do you actually know? It's not old unless you have an unhealthy lifestyle or had a medical issue, which can happen to anyone at any age. But it isn't easy to distinguish the age of most healthy people from 50 to 70, easier on the edges, but not so much in the middle.

[Anonymous]

OP your post has absolutely nothing to do with age or age when you have kids. It's the reality of families. Poor health, mental health, disabilities can all happen to anyone at any time, or not happen at all.

[Anonymous]

I went to college with a lot of kids from NYC with older dads. More than a few of them had their dad pass away when they were in college. Yes it can happen any time, but I feel much better able to handle the death of my parents now that I have my own family.

[Anonymous]

stupid post.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you shouldn’t have married someone who comes from a poor family, if you are this bent about this?

FWIW- I know a LOT of people who had kids in their early 40’s and all their parents have ample financial resources that they will never need their kids to support them. In fact, when they die the kids (and grandchildren) will be on the receiving end of a nice inheritance.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think waiting until you’re in your 40s to have kids is bad just because of money. It’s because you won’t be around much as a grandparent and being a younger grandparent is awesome.

One of my daughter’s best friends has lovely parents who were older when she was born. All she ever worried about in school was that they would keel over and die, and now that they’re grandparents they’re simply too old to be good ones. It’s sad, really. And by good ones I don’t mean babysitting etc. I mean having the stamina to enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have trust funds. Does that make it okay? Let me know, k!

In my opinion, no. I don’t think like the OP that it is a hard and fast rule not to have children in your 40’s. But I generally agree it’s not the best idea. Who wants a 65 year old parent when you are 20? And to potentially have to come to grips with your parent’s decline just as you are starting your own adult life? I know nothing is guaranteed in this life. But if I were looking to have a child, I would start well before 40 to set them up for the most success.

How many 65year olds do you actually know? It's not old unless you have an unhealthy lifestyle or had a medical issue, which can happen to anyone at any age. But it isn't easy to distinguish the age of most healthy people from 50 to 70, easier on the edges, but not so much in the middle.

I mean, what? My in laws had my husband at 20 and are old very old 65 year olds. They didn’t have things keeping them young later and declined. Meanwhile my husband has many law partners who are incredibly young 65 year olds. It’s not some kind of monolith. I am a far younger and more energetic mom to 3 kids one of whom is 3 at 45 than most 30 something moms I meet. There’s no rules here.

[Anonymous]

It's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is 39 with a 65 year old mother who is already in a nursing home. So age really has nothing to do with it.
But I am 39 too and you have made me think twice about another baby. It probably is selfish.

Yes some people deteriorate sooner than others. But if you don't have a kid until you are 45/50, then you are much more likely to be "needing taken care of" while your kid is in college or barely out, or unable to keep working until they are out of college.

It's all relative

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have trust funds. Does that make it okay? Let me know, k!

In my opinion, no. I don’t think like the OP that it is a hard and fast rule not to have children in your 40’s. But I generally agree it’s not the best idea. Who wants a 65 year old parent when you are 20? And to potentially have to come to grips with your parent’s decline just as you are starting your own adult life? I know nothing is guaranteed in this life. But if I were looking to have a child, I would start well before 40 to set them up for the most success.

Yeah, the "trust fund" only makes it slightly better---your kid will be well taken care of financially. what about emotionally and everything else?

I had kids because I wanted them and I want to see them grow up and live life. So while I had them at 30 and 35, I want to be alive and able to enjoy life with them as they become adults, find their path, get married and have kids. I'd like to be able to do more than just sit in a chair and interact with my grandkids. If you are 45-50 when you have kids, you will likely be 70-75+ when your first grandkid arrives, but if they wait like you did, you will be 80-90+.

DH and I have grandparents who were walking miles at 90, playing video games with the kids, gardening daily, going to lectures and museums and never missed a kid event. At 70 they were no different from when they were 50 year old professionals. Not every one ages poorly.

But the reality is we can't always time when we or our kids procreate. Live the live you have the best you can.

Obviously we cannot time when someone else does something. But we can make the choices ourselves not to wait until 45-50 to have a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to college with a lot of kids from NYC with older dads. More than a few of them had their dad pass away when they were in college. Yes it can happen any time, but I feel much better able to handle the death of my parents now that I have my own family.

Yes, having a parent pass when they are 65+ is very different than when they are 45-50.

[Anonymous]

Arguably so.

But it’s also selfish to have kids if you’re poor, have a mental illness or mood disorder, have or carry genes creating a risk of hereditary medical conditions, are in an unstable relationship, are short/fat/bald, are of lower than average intelligence, lack a moral compass, have been convicted of a crime, or are otherwise imperfect in any material way.

In short, the planet would rapid depopulate if selflessness were a prerequisite for procreation.

[Anonymous]

Once your kids are out of the home, you'll have your own health issues and fear to not have enough money in old age so caregiving would still suck physically and financially.

[Anonymous]

Oh please. Maybe you shouldn't have been SO to have 3 kids if you can't handle intergenerational responsibilities.

You didn't have to marry a guy with an elderly parent, nor did you have to reproduce with him THREE times. So selfish of you.

Too bad you're stuck with a guy with a sense of decency and conscience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have trust funds. Does that make it okay? Let me know, k!

The bigger issue is if your kids have to take care of you.
My widowed FIL has all the money in the world but he wants his family to keep him company and wile away the day with him as he becomes more of a toddler in his dementia. Luckily, his children (whom FIL had in his 20s) have the time to spend with him a few days a week now that their own children (the grandchildren) are fairly self sufficient. But that would not be the case if the grandchildren were under 10 years old.