Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond

[Anonymous]

I am just realizing how selfish it is to your kids to wait to have much older parents. DH's dad is 86 and we are 41. He is in declining health and needs a ton of care. He is not financially well off so it is all falling on us/SIL to take care of him. Right now he is in the hospital. This is the second hospital visit this year that has been for a week or more. So SIL and DH need to split time and drive and take care of him. We have 3 young kids (under the age of 10), both work full time and have busy lives.

When my parents are the same age as FIL I will be in my 60s. No kids at home and more easily able to take care of them as they age. The sandwich between elderly parents and young kids is just so hard and unfair to the kids who have to deal with the burden.

[Anonymous]

No, it’s selfish to not provide for your own retirement.

[Anonymous]

So your situation applies to EVERYONE whose parents had them when they were in their 40’s?

[Anonymous]

Your problem is that your FIL is not financially prepared for retirement.

[Anonymous]

I think my kids are pretty happy to exist. Could be wrong.

[Anonymous]

I feel the general IQ of DCUM has plummeted recently. Was it always this full of idiots?

[Anonymous]

Everyone’s family age, health, family structure, and genetics is unique. Op, you are only describing your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s selfish to not provide for your own retirement.

+1

It's selfish and irresponsible to depend on your kids for your retirement.

[Anonymous]

I had my son at 40. He has a trust fund. Does that make it ok for you OP?

Seriously this is a messed up post and I think you are taking one thing (FIL finances) and blaming it on another (his age when your DH was born). Then you are going further and deciding that applies to every single person who has a kid later.

[Anonymous]

Yeah as PPs have pointed out, this problem is only arising because your FIL didn't prepare for retirement and end of life, so it's falling on you now and you resent it.

But that problem would actually exist whether this happened now when your DH is in his 40s, or later when he is in his 60s. Do you think you will be prepared to care for an 86 year old in ailing health with no savings in your 60s? No. You would resent it then as well.

Also I know people never believe this, but spontaneous pregnancy in your early or mid 40s is not as rare as many people think it is. Are you saying that anyone who gets pregnant after age 40 is morally obligated to abort that pregnancy? I'm pro-choice which means I don't believe in forced abortion or forced birth. So... no.

[Anonymous]

My MIL had DH (her youngest) in 1965 when she was 42. My grandmother had her youngest (my uncle) in 1957 when she was 41. Having children late in life is not a new phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should have had kids in your twenties instead of waiting until your thirties. Then you’d have more time now to deal with his parents.

[Anonymous]

OP isn't completely wrong. Having kids later in life really does set everyone up for some weird dynamics just like having kids too early has pitfalls of its own.

Even if FIL had saved for retirement, it doesn't mean much. Sure retirement money can help pay for healthcare expenses and i'm home care but it can't buy the emotional support needed in retirement health crisis. FIl will still need help navigating the healthcare system, meeting with doctors, talking to insurance, etc. AND if a Trump like president enters the pictures retirees won't have savings anyway- no social security, no medicare, no 401k because of the tariffs. ALL the planning in the world can't save you from someone like Elon Musi or Trump.

[Anonymous]

If everyone could predict the future, that would be great. Then everyone could have perfect planning. Except maybe when fertility issues prevent pregnancy at the optimal time.

Let’s face It. Some people’s health declines in their 40s and others are ok until their 80s or 90s. And some people raise their relatives kids which means they aren’t doing their own planning but instead reacting. There will never be a one size fits all for the perfect age for having kids.

OP I’m sorry for your difficulty. But you are really self absorbed to be blaming it on the decision as to when to ya e a baby.

[Anonymous]

People always had kids in their 40s. Adults didn't always live into their 80s and beyond.