Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I plan to exit before I become a burden on my kids.

I know you are trying to be witty, but your answer is as dumb as dirt. My FIL says the same crap, he will go his way. He is 82 now. You can't predict how you will go unless you commit suicide while mentally ok, which would be such a gift to your kids!
You can't plan on not having a stroke, you can't plan on dying on your own terms, most of us can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I plan to exit before I become a burden on my kids.

I know you are trying to be witty, but your answer is as dumb as dirt. My FIL says the same crap, he will go his way. He is 82 now. You can't predict how you will go unless you commit suicide while mentally ok, which would be such a gift to your kids!
You can't plan on not having a stroke, you can't plan on dying on your own terms, most of us can't.

I am not trying to be witty, I am dead serious. I do realize I may not be able to control it, but if I CAN control it, I'll go to Switzerland or whatever where they have those machines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I plan to exit before I become a burden on my kids.

I know you are trying to be witty, but your answer is as dumb as dirt. My FIL says the same crap, he will go his way. He is 82 now. You can't predict how you will go unless you commit suicide while mentally ok, which would be such a gift to your kids!
You can't plan on not having a stroke, you can't plan on dying on your own terms, most of us can't.

I am not trying to be witty, I am dead serious. I do realize I may not be able to control it, but if I CAN control it, I'll go to Switzerland or whatever where they have those machines.

Just the fact that you don't realize you have no control over it is dumb.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, I know it’s stressful and you must be picking up a lot of slack at home right now. But you are blaming the wrong set of circumstances. I am in my mid 40s with kids in middle school, and just watched my Dad succumb to cancer in his early 70s. I am an only child and my parents were not financially prepared for this either. It was/is so hard on all of us.

[Anonymous]

My friend is 39 with a 65 year old mother who is already in a nursing home. So age really has nothing to do with it.
But I am 39 too and you have made me think twice about another baby. It probably is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be hard no matter what when elderly people have big needs and low finances.

+1. My parents were mid-20s when they had me but relatively little retirement savings and dad was a long-term smoker. My anxiety flares up thinking about it.

I had my kids at age 36 and 39 and wish we had had them a bit earlier but it wasn't entirely in my control. Trying hard to be financially secure to ease the eventual burden on DCs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my son at 40. He has a trust fund. Does that make it ok for you OP?

Seriously this is a messed up post and I think you are taking one thing (FIL finances) and blaming it on another (his age when your DH was born). Then you are going further and deciding that applies to every single person who has a kid later.

Yes, and if anything, the people who wait to have kids older are sometimes more financially secure so this would be irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s selfish to have kids when you’re younger, not as financially stable, and not as ready to devote most or all of your time to your kids. Happy, now?

Haha. True. There are pros and cons to having kids older vs younger.

My sister had kids when they were younger, and when they were not as financially stable. They had sooo many issues in their marriage due to the financial stress, mostly. It bleeds into all facets of a marriage.

I think there is a happy medium. Don't have kids when you are not financially stable---try to pay off your own student loans, build an emergency fund and get a downpayment for a TH/House. But for many that can be done by time you are 30. However, it does (most likely) require you to continue living frugally thru your 20s and focus on paying down debt and saving. Sure you can have fun too, but focus on the goals---starting a family when you are financially stable.
Most can be by 30/33. So start having kids then. But don't have them when you still have 10 years of major student loans, don't have an EF and don't have a Downpayment. Because that will be harder to achieve once you have kid(s).

Similarly, being 45+ when you have a kid means you will be at retirement age when they graduate HS. You are much less likely to be alive/able to really enjoy grandkids, because you will be 75+ when that happens (hopefully--I don't want my kids having babies at 22)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother died when I was 6 and she was 34. My husband and I adopted our son when I was 48 and he was 51. Yes, we will be old when he graduates high school. We spent many years in fertility treatments. Life doesn’t always work out the way we plan.

FTR: We are way more active with him than many of the parents of his friends. Our son does the normal sports stuff. We also spend much of the winter skiing with him. We do other activities like ropes courses, zip lines. We hike a lot as a family. My husband and I keep ourselves in shape and do the best we can to eat well. We also keep up with our regular check ups.

I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or I could live until 104 like my grandfather.

So much this. People have such illusions of control.

Yes some of us like to plan. However, I'd argue waiting 2 more years to have a kid and focusing on saving $$$ during that time is not a bad plan, if you are under 30-32. You won't regret paying down debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have trust funds. Does that make it okay? Let me know, k!

In my opinion, no. I don’t think like the OP that it is a hard and fast rule not to have children in your 40’s. But I generally agree it’s not the best idea. Who wants a 65 year old parent when you are 20? And to potentially have to come to grips with your parent’s decline just as you are starting your own adult life? I know nothing is guaranteed in this life. But if I were looking to have a child, I would start well before 40 to set them up for the most success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have trust funds. Does that make it okay? Let me know, k!

In my opinion, no. I don’t think like the OP that it is a hard and fast rule not to have children in your 40’s. But I generally agree it’s not the best idea. Who wants a 65 year old parent when you are 20? And to potentially have to come to grips with your parent’s decline just as you are starting your own adult life? I know nothing is guaranteed in this life. But if I were looking to have a child, I would start well before 40 to set them up for the most success.

Yeah, the "trust fund" only makes it slightly better---your kid will be well taken care of financially. what about emotionally and everything else?

I had kids because I wanted them and I want to see them grow up and live life. So while I had them at 30 and 35, I want to be alive and able to enjoy life with them as they become adults, find their path, get married and have kids. I'd like to be able to do more than just sit in a chair and interact with my grandkids. If you are 45-50 when you have kids, you will likely be 70-75+ when your first grandkid arrives, but if they wait like you did, you will be 80-90+.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just realizing how selfish it is to your kids to wait to have much older parents. DH's dad is 86 and we are 41. He is in declining health and needs a ton of care. He is not financially well off so it is all falling on us/SIL to take care of him. Right now he is in the hospital. This is the second hospital visit this year that has been for a week or more. So SIL and DH need to split time and drive and take care of him. We have 3 young kids (under the age of 10), both work full time and have busy lives.

When my parents are the same age as FIL I will be in my 60s. No kids at home and more easily able to take care of them as they age. The sandwich between elderly parents and young kids is just so hard and unfair to the kids who have to deal with the burden.

Ok rfk. As for me, j was too busy fighting cancer in n 30s so didn’t get around to kids. My kiddies are happy and I’m grateful for living

[Anonymous]

As others have said the issue is that FIL are not financially prepared for retirement and elder age.

Had my last kid at 40. They’re doing great and will be fine when I am elderly as I am not relying on them or their siblings for care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the general IQ of DCUM has plummeted recently. Was it always this full of idiots?

There have been a lot more MAGAs recently.

It’s like an infestation.

Apparent on many threads. The tone and level of discourse is plummeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have trust funds. Does that make it okay? Let me know, k!

In my opinion, no. I don’t think like the OP that it is a hard and fast rule not to have children in your 40’s. But I generally agree it’s not the best idea. Who wants a 65 year old parent when you are 20? And to potentially have to come to grips with your parent’s decline just as you are starting your own adult life? I know nothing is guaranteed in this life. But if I were looking to have a child, I would start well before 40 to set them up for the most success.

Yeah, the "trust fund" only makes it slightly better---your kid will be well taken care of financially. what about emotionally and everything else?

I had kids because I wanted them and I want to see them grow up and live life. So while I had them at 30 and 35, I want to be alive and able to enjoy life with them as they become adults, find their path, get married and have kids. I'd like to be able to do more than just sit in a chair and interact with my grandkids. If you are 45-50 when you have kids, you will likely be 70-75+ when your first grandkid arrives, but if they wait like you did, you will be 80-90+.

DH and I have grandparents who were walking miles at 90, playing video games with the kids, gardening daily, going to lectures and museums and never missed a kid event. At 70 they were no different from when they were 50 year old professionals. Not every one ages poorly.

But the reality is we can't always time when we or our kids procreate. Live the live you have the best you can.