Why do men rob you of your sparkle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't understand the wider context, you cannot understand why it's the case that it's more common for men to abuse women in a relationship than vice versa. You obviously don't understand the cultural, nor legal context. In this thread we're talking about killing the sparkle, in essence having a woman's life revolve around others (kids, husband, aging parents). What exactly are you trying to convey here being the woman's fault as you say? Wanting to get away from this? Wanting to live her own life? Pray tell.

That's not true. Men's are victims of abuse more often in relationships than women are. They just don't report it or talk to anyone about it

MORE often? How do you define abuse PP? Got anything to support that? As in, if they “don’t report it or talk to ANYONE about it” where are you getting your information from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Btw, the first no-fault divorce was legalized in California only in 1969 and only by 2010 have all states legalized it.

And if Project 2025 and the Conservative agenda behind it get fully implemented, no-fault divorce might —again — be a lot more difficult to get.


https://www.tstahllaw.com/blog/2024/november/project-2025-and-the-future-of-no-fault-divorce-/

[Anonymous]

All women do is complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All women do is complain.

Thank you for sharing your complaint!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Stop blaming your husband for something you did to yourself.

OP. This is less “omg my xH sucks” and more “WHY do men like him feel the need to tear someone down until there’s nothing left?”

A man didn’t do this to you though, you did it to yourself. It’s hard to hear but it’s true.

Stop with this. You obviously have no idea what some women go through and no it’s not their own fault.

I remember the days when it was misogynistic to think women had no agency.

You’re missing the point.

Obviously women should leave when men try to tear them down, and we should be teaching our daughters to do just that.

The question is WHY do men feel the need to tear their partners down in the first place? It’s like the quote PP posted earlier - why do they want an exotic bird to put in a cage?

It’s like these men who chase after party girls or IG models, and then demand they stop partying or posting bikini pics on IG. You knew who they were, that’s why you were attracted to them, why change them?

No you are missing the point. You should have more curiosity about your own emotional reaction. What attracted you to a guy who takes sparkles? Why did you continue to stay as he tried to take your sparkle?

Shifting the attention to him is a diversion from the real issue - your choices.

“Why do abused women get abused? Must be their choices.”
Gfy

You realize that OP has an EX husband. Is she going to look at her own mindset at some point?

Why are you still victim blaming? Does it make you feel good to sh** on women going through hard times?

The only one sh*tting on women is those who think we have no agency.

People making up abuse stats to discredit women are 100% sh*ting on women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't understand the wider context, you cannot understand why it's the case that it's more common for men to abuse women in a relationship than vice versa. You obviously don't understand the cultural, nor legal context. In this thread we're talking about killing the sparkle, in essence having a woman's life revolve around others (kids, husband, aging parents). What exactly are you trying to convey here being the woman's fault as you say? Wanting to get away from this? Wanting to live her own life? Pray tell.

That's not true. Men's are victims of abuse more often in relationships than women are. They just don't report it or talk to anyone about it

This is not the case and has been shown over and over (both popular press and scientific literature as in statistically proven). Sure, both sexes can verbally abuse each other, but husbands can walk away any time. They're more financially secure. They're also more physically strong. In cases of physical and financial abuse it's mostly men. Most women who stay in abusive relationships do it because they don't have any other choice. Abuse towards women is very common during pregnancy (1 in 6 women) and when children are small, in other words, when women are at their most vulnerable. It also takes a while to recover physically after birth, and many have depression. It's difficult or impossible to relocate with an infant (especially if the infant also has medical issues) or start/go back to work, when there's no childcare. The laws are also such that you have to remain in the same state where the child is born, hence if you relocated from your extended family, you're out of luck. Then imagine you stay at home with kids since this is what you and your husband agreed upon. And then when the kids are a bit older, your husband discards you, because there's no use for you any longer. In 99% of cases it's the women who have a break in their career (impacts earnings and retirement, shown plenty in scientific literature). You literally have no idea what you're talking about. Oh poor men, they suffer in silence, because the wife told him to take the trash out!

As far as the OP goes, sure she'll have to manage herself and if she's divorced as some say, she has to find her grounding again. This is not easy.

[Anonymous]

Also, wanted to add, obvious... but: historically when men walk away, it's the women who are left to take care of the children. Hence all the single mothers out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to tell me when I was young to not get married too young, make my own money, have my own friends and interests. Keep my self identity (old fashioned word now) when married. She always had great advice.

Your mom was a very wise woman. Unfortunately not all mothers ae as wise, and also unfortunately to many women still believe they are not complete unless they are attached to a man this leads into women taking on any man and accepting an sort of treatment just to have a man.

[Anonymous]

i'm already not outgoing but just feel so traumatized by another experience that makes it impossible to look or be anywhere near any man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Btw, the first no-fault divorce was legalized in California only in 1969 and only by 2010 have all states legalized it.

Another huge reason for the high divorce rates.

NFD basically said that marriage is not serious anymore, and it's just like dating, but with lawyers.

Divorce lawyers LOVE no fault divorce, made them even richer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No you are missing the point. You should have more curiosity about your own emotional reaction. What attracted you to a guy who takes sparkles? Why did you continue to stay as he tried to take your sparkle?

Shifting the attention to him is a diversion from the real issue - your choices.

It's well-known that "killing the sparkle", meaning the abuse, is very common when women are vulnerable. Like when pregnant and having infants. Most women who eventually divorce or at least realize that their sparkle has been killed, saw the first issues when they were pregnant/had infants. The choices in those circumstances are very limited as you perhaps can imagine.

+1. Such a myth that abused women are attracted to abusers. Abusers aren’t abusers in the beginning. That’s how they trap you. They lay down a foundation of love and trust and binding ties - saying I love you, buying a house or living together, getting engaged, planning a wedding or having a baby. Each step entraps you more, and the boundary testing begins subtly before it escalates to abuse, and often emotional abuse long before physical. And our culture supports it all - telling women that “relationships are hard” and “marriage takes work”.

My DH didn’t start abusing me until I was pregnant. I was very fortunate that I had a big pile of savings (that he didn’t know about) and complete moral and financial support from my parents and siblings when I finally shared the details of what was going on. Not everyone is so lucky. And even after separation, I had to navigate very carefully through the child custody situation and had to stay in contact with him for many years, which definitely kept my sparkle down.

[Anonymous]

This is one of those threads that demonstrates why lesbians have the highest abuse rate and highest divorce rate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw, the first no-fault divorce was legalized in California only in 1969 and only by 2010 have all states legalized it.

Another huge reason for the high divorce rates.

NFD basically said that marriage is not serious anymore, and it's just like dating, but with lawyers.

Divorce lawyers LOVE no fault divorce, made them even richer.

Ridiculous. No-fault divorce means that one does not have to put up with abuse. Otherwise you had to wait until the husband deserted (women rarely do that because of the kids) or committed adultery (again, women being tied down with kids it was mostly men). If men can only stay married when women do what they want and serve them (where is my dinner, are the kids taken care of, is the house clean), then obviously such marriage benefits just the men. Which is exactly where we're at. With financial independence that women gain by working, nobody needs men that expect to be serviced and obeyed. Which is obviously also why men cry about feminization, they would like silent obedience, not an actual partnership.