ED really has to go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my DD applied to her dream school. For the past couple of years we've been downplaying this school and hyping up some more reasonable schools. We even toured a few and she claimed how much she liked them. She assured us that she would be fine if she didn't win the ED lottery. Anytime I would mention another school she would quickly shut me down and tell me she has her list and she is good with it.
Part of me always thought she was blowing smoke to get us to back off and i was right.
ED school is announcing today and just got a call from her counselor that she is having a melt down at school triggered by a friend of hers who told her that this school will never accept someone from our high school. Our HS does not have the greatest reputation and although there have been a small handful of kids getting into top 10/Ivy - level schools - its few and far between.
So this comment was the straw that broke her back. The counselor told me that Dd unloaded on her and how hard she has worked (very true) to get straight As and take many AP classes (very true). Our school doesnt rank but she would definitely be top 5. The time she put into her ECs and building relationships with her teachers..... She kept telling me that she was doing all of this because she liked doing this but it turns out, it was because she wants this school this bad.
i am furious at the ED system for the torture this process causes for so many families. I thought it was terrible they announced hen results will come out so everyone can be on pins and needles for days. And why do schools announce before the holidays....similar to how companies announce layoffs before holidays...to ruin them?
And now, with this phone call, I am upset and having trouble focusing on my job.
Yes - I am going off here and mostly because I am her mom and believed her when she said she wouldn't care about not getting into this school. I should have known better.
Counselor said she calmed down and will be staying at school, but I am at a loss as to how to handle this situation when we all get home this afternoon and when we get the decision. This really really sucks.

Wow. You both need a chill pill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry your daughter and you got bad news. It sucks.

Except they haven’t even gotten bad news as the ED admissions decision hasn’t been released yet (per OP’s post). This is all anticipatory catastrophizing, which is incredibly unhealthy.

Yeah my next comment was damn she hadn’t gotten bad news yet..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my DD applied to her dream school. For the past couple of years we've been downplaying this school and hyping up some more reasonable schools. We even toured a few and she claimed how much she liked them. She assured us that she would be fine if she didn't win the ED lottery. Anytime I would mention another school she would quickly shut me down and tell me she has her list and she is good with it.
Part of me always thought she was blowing smoke to get us to back off and i was right.
ED school is announcing today and just got a call from her counselor that she is having a melt down at school triggered by a friend of hers who told her that this school will never accept someone from our high school. Our HS does not have the greatest reputation and although there have been a small handful of kids getting into top 10/Ivy - level schools - its few and far between.
So this comment was the straw that broke her back. The counselor told me that Dd unloaded on her and how hard she has worked (very true) to get straight As and take many AP classes (very true). Our school doesnt rank but she would definitely be top 5. The time she put into her ECs and building relationships with her teachers..... She kept telling me that she was doing all of this because she liked doing this but it turns out, it was because she wants this school this bad.
i am furious at the ED system for the torture this process causes for so many families. I thought it was terrible they announced hen results will come out so everyone can be on pins and needles for days. And why do schools announce before the holidays....similar to how companies announce layoffs before holidays...to ruin them?
And now, with this phone call, I am upset and having trouble focusing on my job.
Yes - I am going off here and mostly because I am her mom and believed her when she said she wouldn't care about not getting into this school. I should have known better.
Counselor said she calmed down and will be staying at school, but I am at a loss as to how to handle this situation when we all get home this afternoon and when we get the decision. This really really sucks.

I am a counselor and I can tell you this is classic anxiety. It continues later in life. My kid just got into law school and did ED. Plays out the same. Worse actually because the results are spread out -- they don't come on one day.

[Anonymous]

What school are we talking about, and did OP's kid get in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has zero to do with ED, your kid would not be reacting any different with an RD decision to this college. It sounds like she has anxiety and would benefit from some therapy to address that.

+1000

You should be focusing on getting your kid the therapy (and possibly anxiety medications) now so that wherever they attend next fall will be successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this is an ED issue. Yes, she would be very bummed RD, but she'd have other schools sending news simultaneously. She'd be able to pivot much more quickly. ED rejections make kids wallow in the disappointment for months.

If your kid is not capable of dealing with "college admissions disappointments" that is on you as a parent. It's your job to prepare the for the realities (that a reach of 5% acceptance rates means that 95% are rejected, and 90% of those rejected are "highly qualified"). Just like everything else in life, it's your job to help them be able to process rejection and "not wallow in the disappointment" and focus on all the other choices. If you build a good list, your kid will not be 100% disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I'm sorry this is happening. These kids have worked so hard and it's nerve wracking. College is a huge decision and it can provoke a lot of anxiety. It sounds like your DD is a high achiever.
My DS is fixated on a school (EA) right now too- it's a bit of longshot and I'm concerned that he'll be upset and a little bitter if he doesn't get in. He's worked very hard. We gave all the right messages, cast a wide net, did the right things, but it's human to want something.
Let us know how it works out.

yes it is "human to want something" but by age 17 your kid should be able to understand how "unlikely it is to gain admission " to some of these reach schools. So don't let them be so obsessed with something that is unlikely. They've done the "hard work" and bought the lottery ticket, but now it's out of your control, and acceptance or rejection does NOT define you---nobody can take away the hard work and learning that happened in HS to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP - don’t listen to the criticism. Kids are built differently and it sounds like yours is very competitive and has worked very hard. They will end up in a great school that is the right place for them! Whether the RD works out or not, trust that everything will be ok in the end. The hard work WILL pay off. There’s no reason to feel guilty about having a competitive student who really wants something bad. These mean people with average kids are just haters and probably also passed their attitudes on to their children.

Don't enable. Poor kid is having a meltdown because she was given poor guidance. Mom wants to change the system because things didn't work out for THEM.

This is not necessarily true. I have kids who handle stress very differently because they are built differently. This mom-shaming is horrible and ill-placed.

If your 17yo is having a meltdown because a classmate told them "nobody from our school ever gets into school X", your 17 yo needs some therapy and it's your job as a parent to get it. The signs had to be there for years, and yes it's your job as a parent to get your kids the help they need to grow into successful adults. We began to tell our kids that certain colleges are basically a lottery---if you work really hard, you will have the resume to purchase a ticket. After that, it's all luck, and 90% of the good kids will get a rejection, so don't stress, it's not you, it's just there are not enough spots. So we focuesed on finding great list of targets and safeties. So that we had plenty of awesome acceptances at schools our kids really liked even if the Reach schools didn't pan out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There’s no reason to feel guilty about having a competitive student who really wants something bad. These mean people with average kids are just haters and probably also passed their attitudes on to their children.

Or we are not entitled and overwrought, and have some idea of the perspective of this issue compared to problems experienced by other kids or the same age.

+1000

Perspective in life is so important. Teens who have been taught that will have a much healthier college years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, while I understand the instinct to look for someone/something to blame when our children are suffering, ED is not the problem. I’m sorry your daughter and you got bad news. It sucks. Allow her to feel her disappointment but without wallowing in it. Today she probably just wants your hug while she cries. She doesn’t want to hear it’s not the end of the world or there will be other options (although both are true). In a day or two dust yourselves off and talk about what’s next.

For parents who will go through this in the future: always, always have a Plan B and Plan C. For example: our kid ranked the choices, deliberately did not apply EA to #3 so if deferred or declined from ED1 would have then applied ED2 to #3. Meanwhile EA decision to #2 comes out before #3 so if accepted to #2 would have changed #3 from ED to RD. Had acceptance in hand from #4 as it was rolling admission. Fortunately was accepted to ED1 so it became moot…but the point was to have backup plans.

You can apply EA and then switch it to ED2 at most schools. In fact, that signals strongly to them that you really want to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this is an ED issue. Yes, she would be very bummed RD, but she'd have other schools sending news simultaneously. She'd be able to pivot much more quickly. ED rejections make kids wallow in the disappointment for months.

Nah. So many schools have EA now that many kids are getting multiple decisions in December. My kid got two acceptances the week after his ED rejection last year.

Also…rejection is hard, but it’s part of life. You’re not always going to have a distraction from your disappointment, so figuring out how to manage it is a critical life skill.

I told my kid last year when he was rejected from his ED that I was so proud of him for trying, even though it was a long shot. I hope OP can find a similar sentiment to share with her kid if she gets disappointing news.

Sure, lots of schools have EA, but very few of them are near (or even vaguely near) peer schools of an elite place like Duke. For the 'public Ivies', lots of OOS applicants don't hear until January. Yes, you can apply to a public safety and likely hear around the time of a private ED rejection, but it's probably a big fall from one to the other.

All perspective---attending a state school that is ranked in the T50 (or even T100) is NOT a "big fall".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this is an ED issue. Yes, she would be very bummed RD, but she'd have other schools sending news simultaneously. She'd be able to pivot much more quickly. ED rejections make kids wallow in the disappointment for months.

Nah. So many schools have EA now that many kids are getting multiple decisions in December. My kid got two acceptances the week after his ED rejection last year.

Also…rejection is hard, but it’s part of life. You’re not always going to have a distraction from your disappointment, so figuring out how to manage it is a critical life skill.

I told my kid last year when he was rejected from his ED that I was so proud of him for trying, even though it was a long shot. I hope OP can find a similar sentiment to share with her kid if she gets disappointing news.

Sure, lots of schools have EA, but very few of them are near (or even vaguely near) peer schools of an elite place like Duke. For the 'public Ivies', lots of OOS applicants don't hear until January. Yes, you can apply to a public safety and likely hear around the time of a private ED rejection, but it's probably a big fall from one to the other.

I’m the PP you’re responding to. My kid was rejected ED from a top 15 school, then got acceptances to a public safety and a private target, both with big merit money. It helped. But my kid also knew he could be happy at either of those schools, even if they weren’t the top choice, and didn’t see prestige as the end-all, be-all.

DP but have you considered for some people it isn't prestige for prestige sake, but a needed aspect of career advancement and access to opportunities. Especially if you want to go to a good grad school, law school, or go into certain industries, you really need that leg up of an application from an elite school.

No you don't. That's the fallacy. for 99% of undergrads, it does NOT matter where you go---especially when the "fall off schools" are likely ranked in the T100-150. What matters is what your kid does while at undergrad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP - don’t listen to the criticism. Kids are built differently and it sounds like yours is very competitive and has worked very hard. They will end up in a great school that is the right place for them! Whether the RD works out or not, trust that everything will be ok in the end. The hard work WILL pay off. There’s no reason to feel guilty about having a competitive student who really wants something bad. These mean people with average kids are just haters and probably also passed their attitudes on to their children.

Don't enable. Poor kid is having a meltdown because she was given poor guidance. Mom wants to change the system because things didn't work out for THEM.

And what would you have done differently/ Sounds like the mom was trying to set expectations and as others have noted, kids handle rejection very differently.
OP - my kid sounds very similar. Was rejected from her ED 2 years ago. She was extremely upset and we were very worried but after a couple days. she bounced right back and found some other schools. She is having a good experience at her current school. Just follow her lead and give her time to absorb the news. And it is possible the meltdown with the counselor means she got the anxiety out of her system so she can take any bad news a little better.

The kid didn't even get rejected yet! She's having a meltdown because a friend made a comment.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for your kid. Spoke to our DS counsellor yesterday. Apparently, 2 kids had a meltdown at our school earlier this week because of the Yale ED results coming out. He said this has become “pretty normal”.

This is insane to me. This level of anxiety. I feel bad for these kids. NO school is worth that!!!

[Anonymous]

OP. I am sorry this is happening. All the parents talking about how this is your fault and she needs therapy, act like they have never had a teen before. They are absolutely shocked that a teen is acting emotional and irrational during a stressful situation. As a parent of a 17 year old, I am not surprised your child feels this way - especially in this area full of strivers. It’s utter irony that posters are acting like this when other DCUM posters (grown adults) are all over this board obsessing, stressing out, and melting down over college applications and acceptances.