Reply to DH and I constantly fighting over child care

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Reply to "DH and I constantly fighting over child care - how do you do it?"

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[quote=Anonymous]OP I hope this thread got the ball rolling with your DH on good conversations. What struck me was that you seemed like you weren't spending any time together as a couple or as a family. And both are important. Your schedule is rigid, but I see that you fear if you ditch it you won't have any 'me' time. And it seems like you both have not advocated for 'us' time either. I understand the "wtf" posters who are slamming you for seeing caring for your child as a burden, but I suspect the real issue is not spending time with your child, but feeling as if its either you or DH. And when you don't feel supported, caring for a baby CAN be tiring and exhausting. I adore my son, but he is a handful, and if I didn't know that DH were around to help out, I would start to feel resentful too.

Just to give you a sense: this is how it works in our house. We do not have a schedule, but we have established patterns, which rely on a lot of frequent communication. (and yes, sometimes there are scheduling conflicts and errors)....

weekday nights;

we discuss our weeks, and sometimes I have an event after work (for fun or for work) sometimes DH does. We discuss ahead of time and make sure the other person can handle daycare and school pick up, etc (we have a 11 yr and an 8 month old). That doesn't happen all the time and we say "yes" to those things are that are important--a birthday for a friend, someone in town, an important work event. We dont' just go to random happy hours with folks we see all the time. When we're both home in the evening, I usuallly get the baby and hang out with him, then when DH gets home he does bath, I prep dinner, put baby to bed, we finish dinner together, he does dishes and I prep bottles. We're working together at the same time, so it does't feel unequal. (of course the nights that DH is out, I usually manage to do all t his, when I'm out I come home and DH is sacked on the couch, without having done dishes or prepped food/bottles, but if baby and older child have been fedm bathed, and put to bed, who am I to complain). Occasionally I go to the gym after baby is in bed, sometimes DH goes for a late run. We encourage each other to do this. but we also try to have dinner and some together time too.

Weekends: saturday mornings I go to the gym where there is babysitting, then take baby to farmers market, run a few errands. This gives Dh a couple baby-less hours, sometimes he runs, sometimes he hangs out, sometimes he runs other errands. Sundays mornings DH goes for a run while I watch the baby. In the afternoons we play it by ear, but are usually doing things together, such as errands, activities for our older child, etc. We rarely spend entire days apart, as it sounds like you two do. Twice a week we get a babysitter, and go out after baby is in bed. And often we go out early, as a family, for a family friendly thing. Or have friends over or vice versa.

The point is: we're flexible, but we are attentive to each other's needs for time to do stuff (work out, run some errands, see a friend). At the same time, we value our time as a family and as a couple. This is not to say there aren't issues--I feel that I spend a lot more time on housecleaning and I am responsible for all the bills, scheduling, and long range financial and future planning.... and sometimes we are exhausted and bitch at each other, but in terms of child care, my husband is a great dad, and feels that it is part of his identity as both a father and a husband to be the dad who walks with the fussy baby at the restaurant, who takes our older child and his friends to the aquarium in baltimore for a fun day, who takes both kids off my hands when I need a break, who comes up with good outings for all of us.

So I hope for your sakes, and especially your child's sake, you can discuss these things. The issue is not really a "fair" division of childcare, so much as the way you are operating (and view yourselves) as anomic individuals rather than as a family. [/quote]

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