Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is a big deal. First of all my MIL has never spoken to me on the phone in 15 years with her son. I'm still not family. Secondly I can totally see my own mother saying this about me to my aunt. It's just what older people have to say to make themselves feel better about no longer being in charge.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

[Anonymous]

I would have forwarded it on to my husband and let him deal with his mother and sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is a big deal. First of all my MIL has never spoken to me on the phone in 15 years with her son. I'm still not family. Secondly I can totally see my own mother saying this about me to my aunt. It's just what older people have to say to make themselves feel better about no longer being in charge.

It isn't a big deal to you but, op's husband is upset. Are you gaslighting him? Isn't he allowed his feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have forwarded it on to my husband and let him deal with his mother and sister.

Good idea but, I would still not want to host or go over to their houses. They let you know how they really feel.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have forwarded it on to my husband and let him deal with his mother and sister.

Good idea but, I would still not want to host or go over to their houses. They let you know how they really feel.

Really? An emoji and vague statement revealed true feelings? Maybe simmer down and if OP is real she can report back what her DH found out when he calls to discuss with his mom like a normal adult.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people on here have zero conflict resolution skills. Cutting off family and turning something minor like this into a family crisis is ridiculous. No wonder people feel so alone. This is not the kind of thing you cut off family for. Some of you need some basic emotional regulation and resilience skills. This shouldn't be a major distress in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

MIL started it

Hmmm, yes she did and for that I would place her and her daughter to the left and the right of my DH, in the punishment chairs. That would be their permanent seats anytime they ate at my house. I would treat them like children, can't say mean things at the table because DH would be there to give them guidance. Also, my DH would make amazing comment out loud throughout the meal about what a great job I did and how this is one of the best Thanksgivings he could every remember, but that's just my DH. Op, your's could do that also for s ts and giggles. Make it fun, turn the tables.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she possibly have just meant that you are a busy person and TG is a lot of work but you think you are capable of doing it?? Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt if you generally get along? If she had something like...I guess we are stuck with dry turkey and runny potatoes yet again...that is a direct slam but her comment is not necessarily at least to my ear.

This or it’s a self deprecating comment knowing how difficult and picky the family is they are impressed OP is signing up for it.

In either case, if it were that innocent, MIL would have picked up the phone immediately to give context. She would have had nothing to be “embarrassed emoji” about if that were the case.

I disagree. She could just be embarrassed that she missed dialed but not think anything about the fact that OP listened to the message meant for SIL.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

I don’t care about you or your problems. OP is the one asking for advice on how to handle.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Could she possibly have just meant that you are a busy person and TG is a lot of work but you think you are capable of doing it?? Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt if you generally get along? If she had something like...I guess we are stuck with dry turkey and runny potatoes yet again...that is a direct slam but her comment is not necessarily at least to my ear.

This or it’s a self deprecating comment knowing how difficult and picky the family is they are impressed OP is signing up for it.

In either case, if it were that innocent, MIL would have picked up the phone immediately to give context. She would have had nothing to be “embarrassed emoji” about if that were the case.

I disagree. She could just be embarrassed that she missed dialed but not think anything about the fact that OP listened to the message meant for SIL.

We shall see once op or op's dh talks to the MIL

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

I don’t care about you or your problems. OP is the one asking for advice on how to handle.

Now whose the 8 year old? Or maybe 4? I am talking about op's problems and how I see it. Problem is you don't have a reply so you try to shut me down. HA HA HA

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you did everything right. Sending the vm with a bland statement about thinking it was meant for SIL is perfect. That she reacted with an emoji is disrespectful and the whole thing is definitely hurtful.

I’m so glad DH is talking to her. I’m glad he appreciates what you do and recognizes that this is really his place to step in. I have no idea what MIL will say. You and DH will have to wait and see, and then consider where you go from there.

You sound like a wonderful hostess, and an easy going family member. I would ignore the suggestions to go nuclear and the suggestions to just pretend nothing happened. See what MIL has to say and go from there.