Dealing with judgemental old women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, y'all . . . just . . . wow. A little perspective and a little resilience, maybe? Or a little compassion for older folks who think they're helping (or need to help) when they give unsolicited advice, especially if maybe they are feeling lonely or irrelevant or ignored and are trying, albeit ineptly, to start a conversation? Most of those writing in here have quite young kids, which makes me think that your own parents and older friends are probably often still vibrant and active. But one day they won't be, and you will hope that someone can just take it like a human if the older people you love put a foot wrong or accidentally offend or need help or don't seem au courant.

I sure hope that my aunt or my mom doesn't accidentally look at your toddler wrong one day in the grocery store.

This is a great post, but it will fall on deaf ears. The majority of posters in this thread think it’d be a great idea to teach their kids to make fun of old people suffering from dementia, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Special needs parent here, I get a decent amount of advice when my child is out in public & not behaving in the “normal/age appropriate” way.

It depends on the interaction…if it is aggressive, I will steer my kid away & talk about stranger danger, that this person doesn’t know us & it is inappropriate for them to be inserting themselves at this level. So we kindly back away (& talk about finding a trusted adult if they are alone & a stranger is harassing them).

Sometimes we’ve talked about how very old people may have dementia & other issues, & we should humor them & say have a nice day. They are dealing with their own issues, & it might spill out towards us, but it is all part of being human.

When the child is a little older than 4, you can start talking about expected and unexpected behaviors and what that means. Labeling people who notice unexpected behaviors as having dementia is probably not helpful.

You are responding to a special needs parent. Nuance is rarely a strong point with some kids; you need to create clean lines, which may not be fair to the outside world, but helps protect the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Special needs parent here, I get a decent amount of advice when my child is out in public & not behaving in the “normal/age appropriate” way.

It depends on the interaction…if it is aggressive, I will steer my kid away & talk about stranger danger, that this person doesn’t know us & it is inappropriate for them to be inserting themselves at this level. So we kindly back away (& talk about finding a trusted adult if they are alone & a stranger is harassing them).

Sometimes we’ve talked about how very old people may have dementia & other issues, & we should humor them & say have a nice day. They are dealing with their own issues, & it might spill out towards us, but it is all part of being human.

When the child is a little older than 4, you can start talking about expected and unexpected behaviors and what that means. Labeling people who notice unexpected behaviors as having dementia is probably not helpful.

You are responding to a special needs parent. Nuance is rarely a strong point with some kids; you need to create clean lines, which may not be fair to the outside world, but helps protect the kid.

I am responding as a special needs parent. The expected or unexpected language is a part of teaching social skills to SN kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Research has shown that oral self comfort, whether by pacifier, finger or thumb sucking, is actually a good thing. It is normal. It is necessary. It begins in the womb. It helps reduce stress and tension and improves focus and concentration. It is a natural way to self-regulate.
https://developlearngrow.com/oral-sensory-activities/

It almost never has negative implications before age 4 (where dental issues may start in some). Dentists may disagree, but do you hope for braces (which most will need anyway) or a psychiatrist and anti-anxiety meds? Even adults use oral means of self soothing, but in more subtle ways.

Op here as she's keeping me awake tonight... I'm still reading these, this is really interesting thank you for sharing. We can look at alternatives when we remove it to try and make it less stressful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of the problem here is that many older people selectively forget all the hardest parts of parenting (especially really little kids) as well as all the imperfect parenting they did. They just remember this rosy fake past where children simply did what they were told at all times (from infancy) and never cried or were loud or whined or argued and where they were just ideal parents who never yelled (or worse) or used a parenting short cut or whatever.

When people with these extremely well-edited memories of parenthood give advice or inject themselves into parenting situations it's always total BS because they are just not acknowledging like 90% of what parenting is. It's based on a lie.

What are you talking about? You’re just imagining this is what is happening.

No this definitely happens. I've seen it with my parents. The simply don't remember the times we misbehaved and they definitely don't remember the times the lost their tempers or gave into our demands or parented imperfectly. But of course they did. They see we turned out okay and figure in retrospect they must have done everything right. But the reality is that you can make tons of mistakes as a parent and you're kids can turn out okay. Which is why nitpicking everything you see someone doing as a parent and trying to correct or judge it all is misguided. It's okay. The fact that OP's kid is using a pacifier at 3 might not be textbook good parenting but it's also unlikely to be a big deal in the end.

OMG you have issues with your parents therefore your insane bizarre theory about literally ALL OLD PEOPLE must be true?!

I hope for your kids’ sakes that some older adults (even strangers) help you parent them, because you are clearly not up to the task.

Np. It’s not just the elderly. Most people paint the past in broad strokes. Very natural to do so and good to keep in mind for perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of the problem here is that many older people selectively forget all the hardest parts of parenting (especially really little kids) as well as all the imperfect parenting they did. They just remember this rosy fake past where children simply did what they were told at all times (from infancy) and never cried or were loud or whined or argued and where they were just ideal parents who never yelled (or worse) or used a parenting short cut or whatever.

When people with these extremely well-edited memories of parenthood give advice or inject themselves into parenting situations it's always total BS because they are just not acknowledging like 90% of what parenting is. It's based on a lie.

What are you talking about? You’re just imagining this is what is happening.

No this definitely happens. I've seen it with my parents. The simply don't remember the times we misbehaved and they definitely don't remember the times the lost their tempers or gave into our demands or parented imperfectly. But of course they did. They see we turned out okay and figure in retrospect they must have done everything right. But the reality is that you can make tons of mistakes as a parent and you're kids can turn out okay. Which is why nitpicking everything you see someone doing as a parent and trying to correct or judge it all is misguided. It's okay. The fact that OP's kid is using a pacifier at 3 might not be textbook good parenting but it's also unlikely to be a big deal in the end.

OMG you have issues with your parents therefore your insane bizarre theory about literally ALL OLD PEOPLE must be true?!

I hope for your kids’ sakes that some older adults (even strangers) help you parent them, because you are clearly not up to the task.

Np. It’s not just the elderly. Most people paint the past in broad strokes. Very natural to do so and good to keep in mind for perspective.

Yes. Young people do this too. It's actually part of what drives all the unsolicited advice around parenting, especially parenting very young kids. People selectively forget the exhaustion, the mistakes, the isolation. They forget the 6 months prior to the day their kid gave up the pacifier and only remember the day it was done. I have seen this in myself-- I had PPD and cried daily as a new mom and wound up in therapy for a year but I barely remember the night's I sat up crying and stressing. When I think about that first year now I mostly remember blissful mornings in bed with the baby and my DH and afternoons in the park. I really have to focus to remember how tough it was and I was diagnosed with depression at the time!

Your brain pushes out things that are painful to remember for your own well being. The problem is that this makes you a bad advice giver if you lack self awareness of this tendency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Research has shown that oral self comfort, whether by pacifier, finger or thumb sucking, is actually a good thing. It is normal. It is necessary. It begins in the womb. It helps reduce stress and tension and improves focus and concentration. It is a natural way to self-regulate.
https://developlearngrow.com/oral-sensory-activities/

It almost never has negative implications before age 4 (where dental issues may start in some). Dentists may disagree, but do you hope for braces (which most will need anyway) or a psychiatrist and anti-anxiety meds? Even adults use oral means of self soothing, but in more subtle ways.

Op here as she's keeping me awake tonight... I'm still reading these, this is really interesting thank you for sharing. We can look at alternatives when we remove it to try and make it less stressful

My 15 year old had her pacifier until about 3 and a half. We had a newborn baby on our street so I told her the baby needed it and she agreed to put it in a bag, walked over to their house with me and gave it to her. (I had discussed with the mom before of course.)
It was a little rough for a night or two but she never looked back. And her teeth are great, hasn’t even needed braces.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all 8 pages of rants against older women - but do want to reply to the original post.

I am 66 and a mom of two adults.

I've found that -- with my kids anyway -- that it isn't what strangers say but how I respond to it that creates the impact felt by them.

For example -- when I stranger made a hurtful comment -- I never acted hurt -- just would laugh and act like they are the crazy oddballs. My kids would then let it roll off their back.

This maybe wouldn't have helped the OP child who was tired and getting teary - but I would have smiled and shook my head at my kid and whispered -- oh wow -- that's really kooky!

Humor in parenting can be helpful.

Now the bashing of the boomer generation can continue! LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, y'all . . . just . . . wow. A little perspective and a little resilience, maybe? Or a little compassion for older folks who think they're helping (or need to help) when they give unsolicited advice, especially if maybe they are feeling lonely or irrelevant or ignored and are trying, albeit ineptly, to start a conversation? Most of those writing in here have quite young kids, which makes me think that your own parents and older friends are probably often still vibrant and active. But one day they won't be, and you will hope that someone can just take it like a human if the older people you love put a foot wrong or accidentally offend or need help or don't seem au courant.

I sure hope that my aunt or my mom doesn't accidentally look at your toddler wrong one day in the grocery store.

This is a great post, but it will fall on deaf ears. The majority of posters in this thread think it’d be a great idea to teach their kids to make fun of old people suffering from dementia, for example.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FYI, all of these responses, this why there is no village and why every woman is on her own.

OP, a paci at 3 for bed is really bad for the teeth and mouth. She needs to be weaned from it. Starting now.

I dissent. All kids need braces now. Many need expanders. It’s her comfort thing. Let her use it at bedtime. I bet it falls out within minutes. Don’t sweat it. She won’t be using it forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here thanks for the helpful comments it's reassuring to hear of those who had it way past 3. We will look to bedtime only over the next couple of months, but won't rush her for the immediate future.

My preteen used it into K. He’s a perfectly fine kid now. Waiting on phase 2 for braces just like 80% of the kids in his class. No issues. My other kid has a teddy bear as a teen still. Same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI, all of these responses, this why there is no village and why every woman is on her own.

OP, a paci at 3 for bed is really bad for the teeth and mouth. She needs to be weaned from it. Starting now.

I dissent. All kids need braces now. Many need expanders. It’s her comfort thing. Let her use it at bedtime. I bet it falls out within minutes. Don’t sweat it. She won’t be using it forever.

+1. My daughters were breastfed as babies and literally never used a pacifier or sucked their thumbs. And my oldest is now being fitted for a retainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an old lady (51) telling you to let your kid keep it as long as she wants. If you take it, she will just stick something worse in her mouth (fingers, Pennie’s, etc.). This was super rude of these ladies. I would say something like “please do not address my child directly.” And if I was really irritated “I hope you are proud that you have made a little child cry.” I would then probably buy my kid a candy bar because I felt bad for them.

Fellow old lady (56!) who feels the same way. You’re fine op, don’t let them get to you.

I remember being in Target with my toddler and someone attempting to helpfully point out that my kid was wearing his shoes on the wrong feet. Thing was my dad had died the day before and I was just getting some last minute things for our 6 hour drive to my childhood home for the funeral. I nearly broke down then and there. People who know nothing about a situation have no business sticking their nose in where it doesn’t belong.

WTF? Your grief and the stranger’s comment have absolutely NO relation. I would bet anything a stranger said would make you nearly break down in that scenario. So logically, what you are actually advocating for is to never ever speak to a person you don’t know. We’re headed toward that society now and it’s a frigging nightmare, in case you haven’t looked up from your own navel in awhile.

NP. You need to learn the difference between “speaking to a person you don’t know” and “criticizing a person you don’t know.” Ruminate on the difference, because it’s a big one. Do you have the capacity for reflection?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ageism in this thread is astounding.

There are jerks of all ages - like several respondents on this thread.

No 20 something is going up to toddlers telling them they shouldn’t have a pacifier. Sorry, we but we all see the truth in this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, y'all . . . just . . . wow. A little perspective and a little resilience, maybe? Or a little compassion for older folks who think they're helping (or need to help) when they give unsolicited advice, especially if maybe they are feeling lonely or irrelevant or ignored and are trying, albeit ineptly, to start a conversation? Most of those writing in here have quite young kids, which makes me think that your own parents and older friends are probably often still vibrant and active. But one day they won't be, and you will hope that someone can just take it like a human if the older people you love put a foot wrong or accidentally offend or need help or don't seem au courant.

I sure hope that my aunt or my mom doesn't accidentally look at your toddler wrong one day in the grocery store.

This is a great post, but it will fall on deaf ears. The majority of posters in this thread think it’d be a great idea to teach their kids to make fun of old people suffering from dementia, for example.

One of the best parts of being this age is saying and wearing what we want and not having to GAF what others think.