Dealing with judgemental old women

[Anonymous]

“Did you escape from Spring Valley? I’m going to go find your handlers.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI, all of these responses, this why there is no village and why every woman is on her own.

OP, a paci at 3 for bed is really bad for the teeth and mouth. She needs to be weaned from it. Starting now.

OP is obviously already aware the pacifier isn't great or she wouldn't be reluctant to use it in public. She is not actually in need of advice on pacifier usage.

No one needs a "village" of judgmental advice-givers who want to weigh in on your every parenting move. You can get that for free from your own family. The village is supposed to be about help and support not unsolicited advice and scaring 3 yr olds in grocery stores.

The village is for both. But since women today will not accept the latter, they do not receive the former. And then they complain about it (on other threads).

We get it. You’re hurt that young, relevant women reject you. Learn the difference between being actually supportive and being a pain in the arse, and try again, Linda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI, all of these responses, this why there is no village and why every woman is on her own.

OP, a paci at 3 for bed is really bad for the teeth and mouth. She needs to be weaned from it. Starting now.

OP is obviously already aware the pacifier isn't great or she wouldn't be reluctant to use it in public. She is not actually in need of advice on pacifier usage.

No one needs a "village" of judgmental advice-givers who want to weigh in on your every parenting move. You can get that for free from your own family. The village is supposed to be about help and support not unsolicited advice and scaring 3 yr olds in grocery stores.

The village is for both. But since women today will not accept the latter, they do not receive the former. And then they complain about it (on other threads).

Agreed. I actually suspect the women were trying to *help* OP by speaking about it to the daughter… put the idea in the girl’s head so Mommy doesn’t have to be the bad guy.

This is misguided. Someone tell the old ladies that approaching a stranger's kid in public to whisper things at them and make them cry is not "helping" -- it's creepy.

Also mom (and dad) ultimately have to be the bad guy when it comes to something like this. Are those old ladies going to hanging around for the next few weeks as the 3 yr old freaks out over losing the pacifier? Of course not. This would be different if this was the kid's grandmother or a family friend. These women were total strangers which is precisely why their actions freaked the kid out.

Those of you making excuses for this are being ridiculous. The only time it's acceptable to try and "parent" a stranger's kid is if the child is in danger of getting hurt. Not because you are worried about the impacts of pacifier use on long-term dentition. What's next -- you going to start walking up to 10 yr olds and telling them to stop slouching or they'll have longterm posture problems? It's none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 3 year old daughter didn't sleep well last night, we had to do a grocery trip, and to help her relax I'd allowed the pacifier out of the car while we were shopping. She has it for bed and certain times of the day, and whilst I know she's a little older it's a huge comfort and not a huge issue for me.

Two older women together came up and spoke directly to my daughter whilst in the store and told her (clearly in my earshot) that she shouldn't have that in her mouth, that it's for babies and mommy should put it in the bin. Immediately tears started flowing from the challenge. We moved away but I didn't know what to say to them or my daughter.

I feel like an awful mom. I know I will need to remove it soon but it's her comfort and there's a slightly chaotic home life at the moment with house moving.

Whilst I hope this doesn't happen again, what should I do in these situations? How would you deal with it or have dealt with it if this happened?

I am generally non-confrontational with strangers, so probably I would have talked about it with my daughter afterwards to help her process it.
We can't bubble wrap our kids or protect them from every negative interaction with random people. You can try to ensure she takes these things in stride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI, all of these responses, this why there is no village and why every woman is on her own.

OP, a paci at 3 for bed is really bad for the teeth and mouth. She needs to be weaned from it. Starting now.

OP is obviously already aware the pacifier isn't great or she wouldn't be reluctant to use it in public. She is not actually in need of advice on pacifier usage.

No one needs a "village" of judgmental advice-givers who want to weigh in on your every parenting move. You can get that for free from your own family. The village is supposed to be about help and support not unsolicited advice and scaring 3 yr olds in grocery stores.

The village is for both. But since women today will not accept the latter, they do not receive the former. And then they complain about it (on other threads).

Agreed. I actually suspect the women were trying to *help* OP by speaking about it to the daughter… put the idea in the girl’s head so Mommy doesn’t have to be the bad guy.

This is misguided. Someone tell the old ladies that approaching a stranger's kid in public to whisper things at them and make them cry is not "helping" -- it's creepy.

Also mom (and dad) ultimately have to be the bad guy when it comes to something like this. Are those old ladies going to hanging around for the next few weeks as the 3 yr old freaks out over losing the pacifier? Of course not. This would be different if this was the kid's grandmother or a family friend. These women were total strangers which is precisely why their actions freaked the kid out.

Those of you making excuses for this are being ridiculous. The only time it's acceptable to try and "parent" a stranger's kid is if the child is in danger of getting hurt. Not because you are worried about the impacts of pacifier use on long-term dentition. What's next -- you going to start walking up to 10 yr olds and telling them to stop slouching or they'll have longterm posture problems? It's none of your business.

Oh, we already know. We don't. It's only kinder older folk who try to help out by addressing young children directly. Eventually, they will be gone and no one will address young children directly. They will be both afraid of strangers and contemptuous of them, as taught by their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of the problem here is that many older people selectively forget all the hardest parts of parenting (especially really little kids) as well as all the imperfect parenting they did. They just remember this rosy fake past where children simply did what they were told at all times (from infancy) and never cried or were loud or whined or argued and where they were just ideal parents who never yelled (or worse) or used a parenting short cut or whatever.

When people with these extremely well-edited memories of parenthood give advice or inject themselves into parenting situations it's always total BS because they are just not acknowledging like 90% of what parenting is. It's based on a lie.

What are you talking about? You’re just imagining this is what is happening.

No this definitely happens. I've seen it with my parents. The simply don't remember the times we misbehaved and they definitely don't remember the times the lost their tempers or gave into our demands or parented imperfectly. But of course they did. They see we turned out okay and figure in retrospect they must have done everything right. But the reality is that you can make tons of mistakes as a parent and you're kids can turn out okay. Which is why nitpicking everything you see someone doing as a parent and trying to correct or judge it all is misguided. It's okay. The fact that OP's kid is using a pacifier at 3 might not be textbook good parenting but it's also unlikely to be a big deal in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be your village - if I saw an old lady make a toddler cry for no reason I would help you explain to your 3 year old that the poor old lady had dementia and we just needed to be kind and back away.

Yeah, same.

But let's acknowledge that women of all ages can make snarky, dumb, unhelpful comments, not just the old ladies. I might go for a general "Sweetie, don't cry. There is something wrong with that woman. Hopefully someone will be here soon to take care of her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 3 year old daughter didn't sleep well last night, we had to do a grocery trip, and to help her relax I'd allowed the pacifier out of the car while we were shopping. She has it for bed and certain times of the day, and whilst I know she's a little older it's a huge comfort and not a huge issue for me.

Two older women together came up and spoke directly to my daughter whilst in the store and told her (clearly in my earshot) that she shouldn't have that in her mouth, that it's for babies and mommy should put it in the bin. Immediately tears started flowing from the challenge. We moved away but I didn't know what to say to them or my daughter.

I feel like an awful mom. I know I will need to remove it soon but it's her comfort and there's a slightly chaotic home life at the moment with house moving.

Whilst I hope this doesn't happen again, what should I do in these situations? How would you deal with it or have dealt with it if this happened?

"whilst'? My. my, aren't you affected! How often do you have to open the boot and bonnet of your motor car? Do you watch the telly every evening or do you spend every evening on your mobile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of the problem here is that many older people selectively forget all the hardest parts of parenting (especially really little kids) as well as all the imperfect parenting they did. They just remember this rosy fake past where children simply did what they were told at all times (from infancy) and never cried or were loud or whined or argued and where they were just ideal parents who never yelled (or worse) or used a parenting short cut or whatever.

When people with these extremely well-edited memories of parenthood give advice or inject themselves into parenting situations it's always total BS because they are just not acknowledging like 90% of what parenting is. It's based on a lie.

What are you talking about? You’re just imagining this is what is happening.

Pp is also not realizing that she will be an old lady one day.

Op the best thing to do is remind your daughter "we don't talk to strangers" and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Really? You just made a 3 year old cry over something that has no impact on you". And then I would have told my kid that she was mean.

Although it's probably better to just roll your eyes and walk away.

Three year old is too old for a pacifier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI, all of these responses, this why there is no village and why every woman is on her own.

OP, a paci at 3 for bed is really bad for the teeth and mouth. She needs to be weaned from it. Starting now.

OP is obviously already aware the pacifier isn't great or she wouldn't be reluctant to use it in public. She is not actually in need of advice on pacifier usage.

No one needs a "village" of judgmental advice-givers who want to weigh in on your every parenting move. You can get that for free from your own family. The village is supposed to be about help and support not unsolicited advice and scaring 3 yr olds in grocery stores.

The village is for both. But since women today will not accept the latter, they do not receive the former. And then they complain about it (on other threads).

Agreed. I actually suspect the women were trying to *help* OP by speaking about it to the daughter… put the idea in the girl’s head so Mommy doesn’t have to be the bad guy.

This is misguided. Someone tell the old ladies that approaching a stranger's kid in public to whisper things at them and make them cry is not "helping" -- it's creepy.

Also mom (and dad) ultimately have to be the bad guy when it comes to something like this. Are those old ladies going to hanging around for the next few weeks as the 3 yr old freaks out over losing the pacifier? Of course not. This would be different if this was the kid's grandmother or a family friend. These women were total strangers which is precisely why their actions freaked the kid out.

Those of you making excuses for this are being ridiculous. The only time it's acceptable to try and "parent" a stranger's kid is if the child is in danger of getting hurt. Not because you are worried about the impacts of pacifier use on long-term dentition. What's next -- you going to start walking up to 10 yr olds and telling them to stop slouching or they'll have longterm posture problems? It's none of your business.

Oh, we already know. We don't. It's only kinder older folk who try to help out by addressing young children directly. Eventually, they will be gone and no one will address young children directly. They will be both afraid of strangers and contemptuous of them, as taught by their parents.

Dramatic much?

I know it's hard to imagine that everyone will actually be okay without your meddling but it's true. Also it's weird you think it's "kindly" for two older women to accost a small child in a store and tell her that what she is doing is "wrong." That's not kind it's weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to pull them aside and quietly whisper in their ears If you come within 3 feet of my child,I will throw your old, nasty , saggy bag of a body into that produce bin. So unless you want a banana up your old ass I suggest you step away. Now!

Do this and I call store manager and tell him you threatened my life and please call police. I recorded your threat on my phone so don't even try to deny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to pull them aside and quietly whisper in their ears If you come within 3 feet of my child,I will throw your old, nasty , saggy bag of a body into that produce bin. So unless you want a banana up your old ass I suggest you step away. Now!

Do this and I call store manager and tell him you threatened my life and please call police. I recorded your threat on my phone so don't even try to deny.

So now you're approaching children in stores to whisper in their ears about what their "mommy should" do and then also recording conversations with strangers.

I don't think your appeal to store manager or the cops is going to go the way you hope. You need to learn to mind your own business. No one in a position of authority is going to view your behavior as reasonable here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of the problem here is that many older people selectively forget all the hardest parts of parenting (especially really little kids) as well as all the imperfect parenting they did. They just remember this rosy fake past where children simply did what they were told at all times (from infancy) and never cried or were loud or whined or argued and where they were just ideal parents who never yelled (or worse) or used a parenting short cut or whatever.

When people with these extremely well-edited memories of parenthood give advice or inject themselves into parenting situations it's always total BS because they are just not acknowledging like 90% of what parenting is. It's based on a lie.

Also, kids actually used to behave better, self-regulate better, comply better. Kids these days have poorer fine motor skills than previous generations, have poorer self-regulation. Etc.

Is it because of poor sleep/back to sleep and developmental delays? Is it because of gentle parenting/lack of spanking? Is it because of screens? Is it the chemicals in the water? Is it something else? Who knows? But it's documented.

It's due to "gentle parenting". and zero consequences for outrageous behavior by their crap parents. God help this generation of children when they enter the job market and find out that employers don't give a fig about their feelings and they get fired for not performing the job they were hired to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to pull them aside and quietly whisper in their ears If you come within 3 feet of my child,I will throw your old, nasty , saggy bag of a body into that produce bin. So unless you want a banana up your old ass I suggest you step away. Now!

Do this and I call store manager and tell him you threatened my life and please call police. I recorded your threat on my phone so don't even try to deny.

So now you're approaching children in stores to whisper in their ears about what their "mommy should" do and then also recording conversations with strangers.

I don't think your appeal to store manager or the cops is going to go the way you hope. You need to learn to mind your own business. No one in a position of authority is going to view your behavior as reasonable here.

Threaten and find out