What's the hardest part of marriage at midlife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men realizing and having to cope with wives who are neurotic and complain and stress way too much about inconsequential things or imaginary boogeymen that won’t come to pass. Maybe worrying there is some kidnapper in a van at the park and realize that, statistically, driving your fking sedan is much more likely to result in a dangerous situation. Men just get so tired of the constant anxiety. Chill out. No one cares. Nothing really matters that much.

Typical man. You don’t understand the dangers women are surrounded by. Or appreciate middle aged women’s health concerns and how hard peri/menopause can hit a lot of women.

If they do understand how hard it is, they weaponize it against women. Jokes, mean comments, ridicule. Looking for empathy in an average man is pointless. There must be some great men too, I’ve heard about them, but don’t know any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unresolved resentments from early in our marriage. You don’t realize when these things are happening that you will carry them around in the background for the rest of your life.

Work on YOU. Resentment is toxic. Learn grace and how to forgive. I'm sure your spouse has forgiven you for several of your own inadequacies.

Sure… she’s to blame for the resentment but he’s not to blame for what actually caused the resentment? Classic gaslighting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many years you put up with certain annoyances because you were so busy with raising children, work and a decent sex life. Now the children are gone, work is tiresome and your sex life is almost non existent but the annoyances are still there and take center stage. Is this what the next 25 years are going to look like?

And this is why there's gray divorce.

I hope that future generations will do better on getting rid of invisible labor, but for me, it's too late. I wish I lived alone most of the time.

This. Invisible labor is exhausting. I am tired but also tired of my dh complaining.

I grew up in a house where my dad did all the invisible labor, so my eyes were opened early to the fact that this is not a female thing. I'm now trying to raise my boys to be fully aware of and doing the invisible labor, so that they can pass this on to their kids as well.

[Anonymous]

If you have kids, the focus has been on kids so long you aren't a couple anymore, you are partners in parenting.

After the kids leave for college get some hormone therapy and a few marital aids and shit can get weird and funky again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unresolved resentments from early in our marriage. You don’t realize when these things are happening that you will carry them around in the background for the rest of your life.

Work on YOU. Resentment is toxic. Learn grace and how to forgive. I'm sure your spouse has forgiven you for several of your own inadequacies.

I’ve forgiven him. It was all years and years ago. But it doesn’t just go away. It all still happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex with one person forever is a special kind of prison.

Women are not meant to be monogamous; its just not in our nature.

Lie. That's on you. Me and most of my friends value monogamy, safety, security, our families, and sex within the safe, trusting relationship of marriage. Sadly my DH did not, but that's on him.
Cheaters make terrible, destructive, selfish choices- pure and simple. Own it.

The PP is actually not wrong overall. Men are likely to experience free-floating desire--they don't need a specific person to be horny, they are just horny and then look around for the closest person who might help satisfy it (usually their wife). Women tend towards responsive desire--it is something specific that sets them alight. If they've had sex 5,000 times with their husband of 20 years, it's unlikely that he is going to set them alight once again.

If this doesn't apply to you, that's great. I'm very sorry about your unfaithful husband, but no need to lash out at someone for pointing out something that scientists have actually noted. And PP didn't say she was going to act on her desires, just that she felt them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:menopause is the issue men stay the same but women change and blame the men

Honestly, the idea that men stay the same from ages 25-85 isn't really a good thing. I would expect some personal growth along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex with one person forever is a special kind of prison.

Women are not meant to be monogamous; its just not in our nature.

Lie. That's on you. Me and most of my friends value monogamy, safety, security, our families, and sex within the safe, trusting relationship of marriage. Sadly my DH did not, but that's on him.
Cheaters make terrible, destructive, selfish choices- pure and simple. Own it.

The PP is actually not wrong overall. Men are likely to experience free-floating desire--they don't need a specific person to be horny, they are just horny and then look around for the closest person who might help satisfy it (usually their wife). Women tend towards responsive desire--it is something specific that sets them alight. If they've had sex 5,000 times with their husband of 20 years, it's unlikely that he is going to set them alight once again.

If this doesn't apply to you, that's great. I'm very sorry about your unfaithful husband, but no need to lash out at someone for pointing out something that scientists have actually noted. And PP didn't say she was going to act on her desires, just that she felt them.

Yeah, that’s garbage. Hormones aren’t destiny. If you love your partner, you make the effort. If you don’t feel like making the effort, or don’t feel like being monogamous, that’s on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unresolved resentments from early in our marriage. You don’t realize when these things are happening that you will carry them around in the background for the rest of your life.

Work on YOU. Resentment is toxic. Learn grace and how to forgive. I'm sure your spouse has forgiven you for several of your own inadequacies.

I’ve forgiven him. It was all years and years ago. But it doesn’t just go away. It all still happened.

But this is where the poster’s comment on work comes in. You have to make the efforts to reconnect in new ways so the long ago hurt is not so present for you.

[Anonymous]

Marriage/monogamy is continuous hard work... and what you signed up for in your vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unresolved resentments from early in our marriage. You don’t realize when these things are happening that you will carry them around in the background for the rest of your life.

Work on YOU. Resentment is toxic. Learn grace and how to forgive. I'm sure your spouse has forgiven you for several of your own inadequacies.

I’ve forgiven him. It was all years and years ago. But it doesn’t just go away. It all still happened.

But this is where the poster’s comment on work comes in. You have to make the efforts to reconnect in new ways so the long ago hurt is not so present for you.

I said that these exist in the background. Not just for me, but for both of us. It’s not like I’m constantly ruminating on them. It’s more like if he gets upset he can’t find his socks, it brings up a memory of when he pulled me out of the shower to show me how I put the diapers in the wrong place. Or if I’m not interested in sex one night, he remembers all the times he got back from work travel and I told him I was “touched out” from being solo with the kids.

We can’t be like we were when we were first married. There is too much water under the bridge. It cuts both ways. We share many, many good memories too. We raised children together and have a lot of inside jokes and have really been there for each other too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unresolved resentments from early in our marriage. You don’t realize when these things are happening that you will carry them around in the background for the rest of your life.

Work on YOU. Resentment is toxic. Learn grace and how to forgive. I'm sure your spouse has forgiven you for several of your own inadequacies.

I’ve forgiven him. It was all years and years ago. But it doesn’t just go away. It all still happened.

But this is where the poster’s comment on work comes in. You have to make the efforts to reconnect in new ways so the long ago hurt is not so present for you.

I said that these exist in the background. Not just for me, but for both of us. It’s not like I’m constantly ruminating on them. It’s more like if he gets upset he can’t find his socks, it brings up a memory of when he pulled me out of the shower to show me how I put the diapers in the wrong place. Or if I’m not interested in sex one night, he remembers all the times he got back from work travel and I told him I was “touched out” from being solo with the kids.

We can’t be like we were when we were first married. There is too much water under the bridge. It cuts both ways. We share many, many good memories too. We raised children together and have a lot of inside jokes and have really been there for each other too.

If one thing like that takes you back to bigger hurts, it really does seem like they are still much larger than you are acknowledging.

Do you genuinely believe he is sorry for pulling you out of the shower like that? And with the benefit of wisdom would do it differently if the chance presented?

[Anonymous]

It’s accepting that once you become an empty nester it’s really just the two of you and that can be good or bad. Don’t wait until you become an empty nester to think about and deal with the issue. If you’re worried about it talk about it and get help if needed. We have three children so we entered empty nesterhood over a 5 or 6 year period so we had time to really think about it and talk about it so when the nest was finally empty we were prepared and the sailing was very smooth.

[Anonymous]

Pretending the nasty and frumpy man you married is nice and good looking.

[Anonymous]

Do all these apply to new midlife marriages or only 10+ years marriages?