What's the hardest part of marriage at midlife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One partner decides the other doesn’t need sex anymore and withholds intimacy.

One partner verbally abuses and neglects the other, thus when he wants sex, it is withheld.

- or when one person gives “the silent treatment,” or partial silent treatment - which is abuse.

Then after he abuses her that way, he expects to be rewarded with sex? I don’t think so.

[Anonymous]

Substance abuse issues. DH slowly becoming a quiet alcoholic, like his father. Now that kids are grown and not needing to be driven to games on weekends, it is non-stop drinking from noon on. I am happy to now be at stage of life to reconnect and go out with friends, do more things like art, concerts, hikes, etc. DH doesn't want to to go out and do anything. So I just go and do things by myself or with others, leaving DH home alone to be drunk and resentful. But if I can get him to go out of town with me, he drinks less and we have fun like we used to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex with one person forever is a special kind of prison.

Oh please! I’ve been married a very long time and I don’t see it as a prison. Our sex is still high energy and we are pretty good at mixing it up. No worry about STIs, lying, cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex with one person forever is a special kind of prison.

Oh please! I’ve been married a very long time and I don’t see it as a prison. Our sex is still high energy and we are pretty good at mixing it up. No worry about STIs, lying, cheating

Then this is not the thread for you, is it?

[Anonymous]

We are desperate for the delayed empty nest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Substance abuse issues. DH slowly becoming a quiet alcoholic, like his father. Now that kids are grown and not needing to be driven to games on weekends, it is non-stop drinking from noon on. I am happy to now be at stage of life to reconnect and go out with friends, do more things like art, concerts, hikes, etc. DH doesn't want to to go out and do anything. So I just go and do things by myself or with others, leaving DH home alone to be drunk and resentful. But if I can get him to go out of town with me, he drinks less and we have fun like we used to.

This one resonates with me. After empty nest, we developed a ritual of evening cocktails that felt fun and enjoyable. Nowhere to drive, no teenagers to manage. That morphed into more like 2-3 drinks an evening for me and 4+ for him. Stopped going out of the house because nobody could drive. Took a year before we hit a "rock bottom" - alcohol-fueled argument - that sent us to an addiction therapist. Over 2 years sober now, but I wonder what would have happened if we hadn't hit that realization. Everything is better sober by the way - mental and physical health (hello, weight loss and blood pressure dropping and way less anxiety) Hoping your DH hits a moment of realization also - can't force someone to get help - they have to want it. But maybe see if he will read Alcohol Explained by William Porter - eye opening. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Substance abuse issues. DH slowly becoming a quiet alcoholic, like his father. Now that kids are grown and not needing to be driven to games on weekends, it is non-stop drinking from noon on. I am happy to now be at stage of life to reconnect and go out with friends, do more things like art, concerts, hikes, etc. DH doesn't want to to go out and do anything. So I just go and do things by myself or with others, leaving DH home alone to be drunk and resentful. But if I can get him to go out of town with me, he drinks less and we have fun like we used to.

This one resonates with me. After empty nest, we developed a ritual of evening cocktails that felt fun and enjoyable. Nowhere to drive, no teenagers to manage. That morphed into more like 2-3 drinks an evening for me and 4+ for him. Stopped going out of the house because nobody could drive. Took a year before we hit a "rock bottom" - alcohol-fueled argument - that sent us to an addiction therapist. Over 2 years sober now, but I wonder what would have happened if we hadn't hit that realization. Everything is better sober by the way - mental and physical health (hello, weight loss and blood pressure dropping and way less anxiety) Hoping your DH hits a moment of realization also - can't force someone to get help - they have to want it. But maybe see if he will read Alcohol Explained by William Porter - eye opening. Best of luck to you.

Congratulations! It’s nice to hear that someone climbed out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Loss of sexual attraction.

But still really REALLY attracted (sexually) to men, just bored of sex with my husband and long for sex with a new man. It’s hard.

This. I fantasize about sex with other men all the time. It's become obsessive. I'm 49.

[Anonymous]

Realizing how incompatible we are and always have been.

[Anonymous]

Having a the necessary supply of alcohol to drown and numb the nagging.

Sometimes, it runs out

[Anonymous]

Unresolved resentments from early in our marriage. You don’t realize when these things are happening that you will carry them around in the background for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex with one person forever is a special kind of prison.

Oh please! I’ve been married a very long time and I don’t see it as a prison. Our sex is still high energy and we are pretty good at mixing it up. No worry about STIs, lying, cheating

I don’t if that poster was insinuating it, but to me it felt like they were sad at the lack of sex. This I get. And it’s usually the woman who loses desire and the husband is left adrift and frustrated. Then they’re told “sex is not a right in marriage!” And that’s true. But then monogamy shouldn’t be either. Sex for men is essential to connection.

[Anonymous]

But still really REALLY attracted (sexually) to men, just bored of sex with my husband and long for sex with a new man. It’s hard.

This. I fantasize about sex with other men all the time. It's become obsessive. I'm 49.

Wake-up call: Your DH is fantasizing about sex with other women all the time as well.

You can work this out. However, you must show more guts than complaining about how obsessed you are on DCUM. If he were single, he could meet his desires with other women like you (i.e., tired of sex with their husbands and longing for something new.)

[Anonymous]

Men realizing and having to cope with wives who are neurotic and complain and stress way too much about inconsequential things or imaginary boogeymen that won’t come to pass. Maybe worrying there is some kidnapper in a van at the park and realize that, statistically, driving your fking sedan is much more likely to result in a dangerous situation. Men just get so tired of the constant anxiety. Chill out. No one cares. Nothing really matters that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Substance abuse issues. DH slowly becoming a quiet alcoholic, like his father. Now that kids are grown and not needing to be driven to games on weekends, it is non-stop drinking from noon on. I am happy to now be at stage of life to reconnect and go out with friends, do more things like art, concerts, hikes, etc. DH doesn't want to to go out and do anything. So I just go and do things by myself or with others, leaving DH home alone to be drunk and resentful. But if I can get him to go out of town with me, he drinks less and we have fun like we used to.

Same. Didn’t expect this. However mine is still very social, but the amount of drinking is becoming alarming.