What makes a kid popular in middle school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my observation, popularity still exists, but not in the same way as when I was that age. (I'm 43 now)

There seems to be 2 kinds of popular:

one is athletic, smart kids, this group is mostly boys

the other is "bad kids" who dress inappropriately, spend a lot of time on hair and make up, talk back to teachers and get ISS, this group is majority girls

This school is mostly Black and Latinx, so I think there are different factors at play.

My kid is nerdy and musical, has plenty of friends and is never bullied

The girl bashing on this entire thread is insane

It is really hard being a girl these days. Girls seem to be mean. The boys may or may not think you are cute. So much pressure.

My kids affluent middle and high school have a lot of very awkward looking girls.

It was like this for me in the 90’s as well. It seems nothing has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my observation, popularity still exists, but not in the same way as when I was that age. (I'm 43 now)

There seems to be 2 kinds of popular:

one is athletic, smart kids, this group is mostly boys

the other is "bad kids" who dress inappropriately, spend a lot of time on hair and make up, talk back to teachers and get ISS, this group is majority girls

This school is mostly Black and Latinx, so I think there are different factors at play.

My kid is nerdy and musical, has plenty of friends and is never bullied

The girl bashing on this entire thread is insane

It is really hard being a girl these days. Girls seem to be mean. The boys may or may not think you are cute. So much pressure.

My kids affluent middle and high school have a lot of very awkward looking girls.

This isn't what I'm seeing AT ALL at our public high school. There is very little awkwardness in the girls. Still some awkwardness with the boys.

Most of the smart highly academic popular kids are girls. Or gay boys. They do debate and constitution team and mock trial and run for student elections. They often do play sports but with some exceptions that's not what they are known for. Their counterparts in boys are the athletes who also get good grades but sports is more their defining characteristic. These kids all party or are okay with partying, and they often mix with each other. They dress a little more basic and preppy but fashionable.

Then there are the popular "bad" kids but not TOO bad. They dress more urban and trendy - baggy jeans, y2k style, some of the boys seem to be getting into designer looks (mostly fake though). Girls are more into makeup, the boys usually have overgrown fluffy hair and good shoes. Some of these kids get good grades and are in sports, academics etc but its not what they are known for. Usually the "bad" behaviors of this group are exaggerated for gossip (from what my daughter says as she became friends with many of these kids this year and learned that no, they are just smoking weed or drinking at parties not doing lines of coke, but that was a good story wasn't it.....)

The kids who are really wild end up going to rehab and getting sent to alternative school by sophomore year. All the really "bad" kids are gone this year.

These two groups mix some. They certainly know each other. This is at a public high school with 400-500 per grade. These two groups probably covers about 100 kids, with another 100 kids who are also known but are more niche social groups like choir, drama, etc, 100 kids who are probably in between and known to some or known "weird kids" or known for something not good, and then about 100 who would probably be classed at NPC. Just not memorable in a good or bad way.

[Anonymous]

IMO, confidence or faking confidence.

I didn't read any of the replies, just my personal experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At that age- usually the boys that are “fast”. Early physical developers + doing teen stuff on the early side- sometimes this is just dating/interests other times it is drinking, vaping etc

This is what I’ve seen at Williamsburg middle. Also, they are good looking so the girls like them.

[Anonymous]

I will also add that boys and girls are equally mean in my experience. Its just different. Boys are blunt and make fun of people to their face. Being "nice" is not a desired quality they are expected to follow, although some boys are actually nice. Being "nice" is a quality that girls are expected to at least put a front of - the cliche in your face mean girl rarely exists. Girls "glaze" or hype each other up in an exaggerated fake way, but may be mean behind their back or not be as flattering about girls they publicly are being super nice to. Because girls are expected to be nice, when they aren't as nice, its seen as this awful thing. Boys are mean all the time without getting any sort of label on it, but they also aren't expected to be friends with kids they don't like, like girls are.

[Anonymous]

Bring popular doesn’t mean they are necessarily going to drink or do drugs, but they might be more likely to be exposed to that by being invited to parties, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my observation, popularity still exists, but not in the same way as when I was that age. (I'm 43 now)

There seems to be 2 kinds of popular:

one is athletic, smart kids, this group is mostly boys

the other is "bad kids" who dress inappropriately, spend a lot of time on hair and make up, talk back to teachers and get ISS, this group is majority girls

This school is mostly Black and Latinx, so I think there are different factors at play.

My kid is nerdy and musical, has plenty of friends and is never bullied

The girl bashing on this entire thread is insane

I don’t think there is girl bashing. Society is unforgiving to fat girls, ugly girls, not well dressed girls, bad hair girls, bad skin. You either have it or you don’t.

No it's absolutely girl bashing

When the boys are popular for being athletic and the girls are popular for being sluts or acting bad or being mean. It's complete girl bashing. The thing is, as a former middle school teacher, the boys actually provoke and make fun of the girls all of the time. And since girls go thru puberty first which plummets their self confidence, they go through a lot mentally. The boys are just considered immature. But they aren't. They are just as mean if not meaner than the girls just looking to fit in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my observation, popularity still exists, but not in the same way as when I was that age. (I'm 43 now)

There seems to be 2 kinds of popular:

one is athletic, smart kids, this group is mostly boys

the other is "bad kids" who dress inappropriately, spend a lot of time on hair and make up, talk back to teachers and get ISS, this group is majority girls

This school is mostly Black and Latinx, so I think there are different factors at play.

My kid is nerdy and musical, has plenty of friends and is never bullied

The girl bashing on this entire thread is insane

It is really hard being a girl these days. Girls seem to be mean. The boys may or may not think you are cute. So much pressure.

My kids affluent middle and high school have a lot of very awkward looking girls.

This isn't what I'm seeing AT ALL at our public high school. There is very little awkwardness in the girls. Still some awkwardness with the boys.

Most of the smart highly academic popular kids are girls. Or gay boys. They do debate and constitution team and mock trial and run for student elections. They often do play sports but with some exceptions that's not what they are known for. Their counterparts in boys are the athletes who also get good grades but sports is more their defining characteristic. These kids all party or are okay with partying, and they often mix with each other. They dress a little more basic and preppy but fashionable.

Then there are the popular "bad" kids but not TOO bad. They dress more urban and trendy - baggy jeans, y2k style, some of the boys seem to be getting into designer looks (mostly fake though). Girls are more into makeup, the boys usually have overgrown fluffy hair and good shoes. Some of these kids get good grades and are in sports, academics etc but its not what they are known for. Usually the "bad" behaviors of this group are exaggerated for gossip (from what my daughter says as she became friends with many of these kids this year and learned that no, they are just smoking weed or drinking at parties not doing lines of coke, but that was a good story wasn't it.....)

The kids who are really wild end up going to rehab and getting sent to alternative school by sophomore year. All the really "bad" kids are gone this year.

These two groups mix some. They certainly know each other. This is at a public high school with 400-500 per grade. These two groups probably covers about 100 kids, with another 100 kids who are also known but are more niche social groups like choir, drama, etc, 100 kids who are probably in between and known to some or known "weird kids" or known for something not good, and then about 100 who would probably be classed at NPC. Just not memorable in a good or bad way.

This is a great summary and very similar to my kid’s school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my observation, popularity still exists, but not in the same way as when I was that age. (I'm 43 now)

There seems to be 2 kinds of popular:

one is athletic, smart kids, this group is mostly boys

the other is "bad kids" who dress inappropriately, spend a lot of time on hair and make up, talk back to teachers and get ISS, this group is majority girls

This school is mostly Black and Latinx, so I think there are different factors at play.

My kid is nerdy and musical, has plenty of friends and is never bullied

The girl bashing on this entire thread is insane

It is really hard being a girl these days. Girls seem to be mean. The boys may or may not think you are cute. So much pressure.

My kids affluent middle and high school have a lot of very awkward looking girls.

This isn't what I'm seeing AT ALL at our public high school. There is very little awkwardness in the girls. Still some awkwardness with the boys.

Most of the smart highly academic popular kids are girls. Or gay boys. They do debate and constitution team and mock trial and run for student elections. They often do play sports but with some exceptions that's not what they are known for. Their counterparts in boys are the athletes who also get good grades but sports is more their defining characteristic. These kids all party or are okay with partying, and they often mix with each other. They dress a little more basic and preppy but fashionable.

Then there are the popular "bad" kids but not TOO bad. They dress more urban and trendy - baggy jeans, y2k style, some of the boys seem to be getting into designer looks (mostly fake though). Girls are more into makeup, the boys usually have overgrown fluffy hair and good shoes. Some of these kids get good grades and are in sports, academics etc but its not what they are known for. Usually the "bad" behaviors of this group are exaggerated for gossip (from what my daughter says as she became friends with many of these kids this year and learned that no, they are just smoking weed or drinking at parties not doing lines of coke, but that was a good story wasn't it.....)

The kids who are really wild end up going to rehab and getting sent to alternative school by sophomore year. All the really "bad" kids are gone this year.

These two groups mix some. They certainly know each other. This is at a public high school with 400-500 per grade. These two groups probably covers about 100 kids, with another 100 kids who are also known but are more niche social groups like choir, drama, etc, 100 kids who are probably in between and known to some or known "weird kids" or known for something not good, and then about 100 who would probably be classed at NPC. Just not memorable in a good or bad way.

Someone missed the TITLE of the thread that is addressing MIDDLE school, which is far different than high school

[Anonymous]

https://www.amazon.com/Like-Ability-Truth-About-Popularity/dp/1433833638

Depends on if you mean popular=likeable by most people or popular=“cool” crowd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience (3 kids, now in high school) the popular kids are: (in this order)

-charismatic
-good looking
-athletic
-funny

I haven't found that money matters or possessions matter much.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I’m the one who mentioned that about the downloading apps via Family Share and I am happy to admit or find out when/if I’m wrong. Can you please share your account privacy settings so I can learn?

What I wrote was my experience with my own son. He was secretly downloading and deleting TikTok daily. We have never given him permission to have that app, but my husband has it and that is how my son downloaded it. When I researched how to deal with this, I was directed to Parenting in a Tech World where many other people have been in similar situations. I assumed that putting on permission restrictions would be what was needed, but my son was able to circumvent that by doing what I detailed above and we had no idea.

I also have another child who is a complete rule follower and who would also never dream of doing something like this. I’m not saying all kids would be sneaky and do this but there are ways around controls that we have no idea about and that some- not all- will take advantage of.

Why does a grown man have tik tok. Cringe. Tell your husband to delete it. Its literally for propaganda.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters that said charismatic, confidence, and funny. Athletic and good looking definitely help but aren't the end all be all.

I'm talking about boys here because I don't have girls.

[Anonymous]

At ease with themselves. Friendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking through this again and I think the number one thing is being self-assured and self-confident. Kids who are popular are self-assured, charismatic, very secure in their own skin----they have a "good vibe."

Honestly, I think you either "have IT or you don't" and this starts at a very early age. It's really impossible to teach this stuff Kids (humans) either have this vibe or they don't! There are many of us with multiple kids who have one who is "naturally cool" and others who are not---despite being parented the exact same way.

I somewhat disagree. For many of the so-called popular kids, that confidence comes from the safety in numbers and it can be very stressful to stay at the top of the heap. My kid has plenty of friends but is not part of the popular crowd. DC has been a target a few times but when she stood up to the nastiness and pushed back, they quickly caved. That confidence can sometimes come from a false sense that they can get away with things like being mean to others, sweet-talking and conning adults to get out of trouble. It's quite often not real self-confidence as much as it is false bravado. Boys are probably different but among girls popular is often code for the horrible nastiness that they use to keep others down or jockey for position among their own group.

As I think about the popular kids that I know of, one was already sending inappropriately sexual videos to boys in 6th grade, one was arrested for shoplifting a fairly large dollar amount from a local store, there is unfettered access to social media and a lot of unsupervised time and lax parenting.

This.