What makes a kid popular in middle school?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:And do the same popular middle school kids stay popular in high school?

I have 12 (7th grade) and 14 (9th grade) year old boys.

My older son has a friend group consisting of smart athletic boys and he is in many academic extracurriculars. These boys are motivated and achievers. DS is an A+ student and always has been.

My younger son just started middle school and is not so interested in school. He currently has a mix of As, Bs and Cs. He seems much more interested in making new friends and hanging out with the cooler kids who seem more popular. In my opinion, these kids just seem like they do stupid things to gain attention.

What makes a kid popular?

Both kids have told me the popular kids go to parties and drink and do drugs. My high school kid doesn’t get invited to these parties (yet?). I’m glad he isn’t in that group. I do worry for my younger son because he seems much more interested in how social life than anything else.

For girls, its if you are slutty and for boys it's if you are athletic.

Wait if the girls are “slutty” who are they being “slutty” with if the boys are just innocent athletes?!?

Exactly. Can we please STOP the dated "girls are sluts" sh---? If the girls are SO ARE THE BOYS.

There are supposedly a few girls who get around and labeled sluts. DS told me that the boys on their middle school bus make fun of the fat girls and slutty girls and the girls cry on the bus. DS is a good kid and can’t imagine him saying this. I said he should stick up for the girls, especially the girl he knows and I am friends with mom. He said if he said something, those guys may target him instead. Sounds awful.

Wait wait. So you are saying the girls are sluts but the boys doing things with the girls are what?!? Do you hear yourself?!?!?

I can assure you even the nice boys are asking for nudes, watching porn, manipulating girls on social media, and then making fun of them.

I also know as my kids are all past middle school that most of the girls with reputations are based on rumors only. I saw it happen with one girl. Boys are really good with planting faces on bodies when a girl isn’t interested in them. That happened 3 years ago to a girl who finally filed harassment charges and won.

So the slutty girl narrative by boy moms is getting old.

While I agree it's a ridiculous double standard between boys/girls, it's not fair to paint all 'nice boys' with that brush. I have a boy in middle school who is very athletic and therefore popular I guess, whatever that means, but he is not asking for nudes, watching porn or manipulating anyone. He's a nice, good kid. Some of them still exist. And yes, I would know if he were doing these things as he has no social media and I very carefully monitor his phone.

Not the PP but you really think your middle school kid is not watching porn or getting nudes sent to him? Come on LOL

Wake up. No matter how careful you are, they are smarter. There are apps to hide things, kids offload apps before handing phone to parents each night. Set notifications to delete immediately, and have fake accounts. They clear their histories too.

My DD’s best friend isn’t allowed social media apps and she has had snap for 3 years. Just deletes it each night before plugging her phone in and downloads it the next day.

But there are restrictions where the child needs to get permission to download the app. Every single app. Every single time. How does she get around that?

Or, she doesn't have to, bc the parent really hasn't taken any precautions?

If they have iPhones and are family sharing, and if someone in the family share group has already downloaded an app, EVERYONE in that family share group can download that same app without needing permission, despite age restrictions or the ask permission restriction.

The parents probably have no idea about this. The only workaround I’ve seen is to delete the App Store and then disable your child’s ability to add or delete apps via privacy settings on YOUR phone in the family setting.

The bolded has not been my experience. I have family sharing but my kids need my permission to download anything, even apps I already have.

Not only is PP wrong about the parental controls on the iphone, she is also just assuming that every parent/child relationship is one where the child tries to subvert the parent at every turn.

I get all kids push boundaries and all kids make mistakes. But there are also lots and lots of relationships that are based on mutual respect. My child may not love the limits I put on them, but they respect them. And she will often come to us asking for those limits to be lifted. And we listen to her, and then respectfully explain our reasoning behind why we are either keeping them, or agree that she's mature enough to lift them.

But I have the utmost faith in my daughter that when we tell her no snapchat, she's not secretly download/deleting the app every night (even though that's not possible with our parental controls) or has a shadow account on a friend's phone. First, she's a rule follower. And second, we have a relationship of mutual respect

All these posters that think 'nice boys don't exist' or that 'every kid is sending nudes' are just wrong. And its honestly kind of sad.

[Anonymous]

OK, I’m the one who mentioned that about the downloading apps via Family Share and I am happy to admit or find out when/if I’m wrong. Can you please share your account privacy settings so I can learn?

What I wrote was my experience with my own son. He was secretly downloading and deleting TikTok daily. We have never given him permission to have that app, but my husband has it and that is how my son downloaded it. When I researched how to deal with this, I was directed to Parenting in a Tech World where many other people have been in similar situations. I assumed that putting on permission restrictions would be what was needed, but my son was able to circumvent that by doing what I detailed above and we had no idea.

I also have another child who is a complete rule follower and who would also never dream of doing something like this. I’m not saying all kids would be sneaky and do this but there are ways around controls that we have no idea about and that some- not all- will take advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking through this again and I think the number one thing is being self-assured and self-confident. Kids who are popular are self-assured, charismatic, very secure in their own skin----they have a "good vibe."

Honestly, I think you either "have IT or you don't" and this starts at a very early age. It's really impossible to teach this stuff Kids (humans) either have this vibe or they don't! There are many of us with multiple kids who have one who is "naturally cool" and others who are not---despite being parented the exact same way.

I somewhat disagree. For many of the so-called popular kids, that confidence comes from the safety in numbers and it can be very stressful to stay at the top of the heap. My kid has plenty of friends but is not part of the popular crowd. DC has been a target a few times but when she stood up to the nastiness and pushed back, they quickly caved. That confidence can sometimes come from a false sense that they can get away with things like being mean to others, sweet-talking and conning adults to get out of trouble. It's quite often not real self-confidence as much as it is false bravado. Boys are probably different but among girls popular is often code for the horrible nastiness that they use to keep others down or jockey for position among their own group.

As I think about the popular kids that I know of, one was already sending inappropriately sexual videos to boys in 6th grade, one was arrested for shoplifting a fairly large dollar amount from a local store, there is unfettered access to social media and a lot of unsupervised time and lax parenting.

This matches what I see, too.

One of my daughter's former friends bought her way into the popular crowd by sharing an embarrassing secret about dd. She basically said "it's not personal, that's just what it takes."

Lots of tears but I'm thankful dd will come out of it with a better understanding that nice >> popular and hang out with the less cool but nicer kids.

From several conversations I think this girl's parents are delusional thinking she's popular because she's nice. I'm guessing they're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have to explain NPC to a few of you. It doesn’t have anything to do with online.

You’re a main character or an NPC. Like in a video game, you’re the one in the plot. Or you’re a game extra, just walking along the sidewalk or whatever.

They use these terms like
“Buddy thinks he’s the main character.” So if you’re acting too confident and people don’t think of you as a main character.

“Your outfit is NPC” meaning too basic.

“I know having my Stanley and Air
maxes is sort of NPC, but everyone knows I’m not NPC.”

Bumping into a wall “NPC move bruh”

“It’s giving main character vibes” Could be good or bad. Mostly bad, because someone could be putting you in your place.”

“Jackson has main character rizz. He’s always the center of attention. He’s so funny. But Rodney is always trying to be a main character… so dumb..”

OP here. I have heard my younger son talk about NPCs. I have also heard my older son call girls basic. They both hang out with the athletic kids since they are both athletes. My older son hangs out with the smart athletes. My younger son hangs out with the cool athletes who are not the best students. When I mention some of the kids I know from elementary, he will often say he doesn’t see him around or that he hangs out in X group, a group he has determined that he doesn’t want to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And do the same popular middle school kids stay popular in high school?

I have 12 (7th grade) and 14 (9th grade) year old boys.

My older son has a friend group consisting of smart athletic boys and he is in many academic extracurriculars. These boys are motivated and achievers. DS is an A+ student and always has been.

My younger son just started middle school and is not so interested in school. He currently has a mix of As, Bs and Cs. He seems much more interested in making new friends and hanging out with the cooler kids who seem more popular. In my opinion, these kids just seem like they do stupid things to gain attention.

What makes a kid popular?

Both kids have told me the popular kids go to parties and drink and do drugs. My high school kid doesn’t get invited to these parties (yet?). I’m glad he isn’t in that group. I do worry for my younger son because he seems much more interested in how social life than anything else.

Why are you asking this question if you already got your answer?!? WTH do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have to explain NPC to a few of you. It doesn’t have anything to do with online.

You’re a main character or an NPC. Like in a video game, you’re the one in the plot. Or you’re a game extra, just walking along the sidewalk or whatever.

They use these terms like
“Buddy thinks he’s the main character.” So if you’re acting too confident and people don’t think of you as a main character.

“Your outfit is NPC” meaning too basic.

“I know having my Stanley and Air
maxes is sort of NPC, but everyone knows I’m not NPC.”

Bumping into a wall “NPC move bruh”

“It’s giving main character vibes” Could be good or bad. Mostly bad, because someone could be putting you in your place.”

“Jackson has main character rizz. He’s always the center of attention. He’s so funny. But Rodney is always trying to be a main character… so dumb..”

OP here. I have heard my younger son talk about NPCs. I have also heard my older son call girls basic. They both hang out with the athletic kids since they are both athletes. My older son hangs out with the smart athletes. My younger son hangs out with the cool athletes who are not the best students. When I mention some of the kids I know from elementary, he will often say he doesn’t see him around or that he hangs out in X group, a group he has determined that he doesn’t want to be in.

Wow, sounds like your son ITA.

OP you are insufferable.

Did you ask this question because your kids are popular, and since they said popular kids are doing drugs, wondering if your kids are doing drugs? It sounds like they are to keep this status with jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have to explain NPC to a few of you. It doesn’t have anything to do with online.

You’re a main character or an NPC. Like in a video game, you’re the one in the plot. Or you’re a game extra, just walking along the sidewalk or whatever.

They use these terms like
“Buddy thinks he’s the main character.” So if you’re acting too confident and people don’t think of you as a main character.

“Your outfit is NPC” meaning too basic.

“I know having my Stanley and Air
maxes is sort of NPC, but everyone knows I’m not NPC.”

Bumping into a wall “NPC move bruh”

“It’s giving main character vibes” Could be good or bad. Mostly bad, because someone could be putting you in your place.”

“Jackson has main character rizz. He’s always the center of attention. He’s so funny. But Rodney is always trying to be a main character… so dumb..”

OP here. I have heard my younger son talk about NPCs. I have also heard my older son call girls basic. They both hang out with the athletic kids since they are both athletes. My older son hangs out with the smart athletes. My younger son hangs out with the cool athletes who are not the best students. When I mention some of the kids I know from elementary, he will often say he doesn’t see him around or that he hangs out in X group, a group he has determined that he doesn’t want to be in.

Wow, sounds like your son ITA.

OP you are insufferable.

Did you ask this question because your kids are popular, and since they said popular kids are doing drugs, wondering if your kids are doing drugs? It sounds like they are to keep this status with jerks.

I am concerned my younger kid will get into the wrong group because he wants to be in the popular group.

My older son doesn’t care and is not in the said popular group. My older son said people know him because he is good at his sports. He plays multiple and all his friends play sports so he knows the guys from most teams. He also does science Olympiad, model UN and debate and has friends from there.

As a former nerd and definitely not popular girl, I don’t want my kids to do stupid things in attempts to be popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my observation, popularity still exists, but not in the same way as when I was that age. (I'm 43 now)

There seems to be 2 kinds of popular:

one is athletic, smart kids, this group is mostly boys

the other is "bad kids" who dress inappropriately, spend a lot of time on hair and make up, talk back to teachers and get ISS, this group is majority girls

This school is mostly Black and Latinx, so I think there are different factors at play.

My kid is nerdy and musical, has plenty of friends and is never bullied

The girl bashing on this entire thread is insane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my observation, popularity still exists, but not in the same way as when I was that age. (I'm 43 now)

There seems to be 2 kinds of popular:

one is athletic, smart kids, this group is mostly boys

the other is "bad kids" who dress inappropriately, spend a lot of time on hair and make up, talk back to teachers and get ISS, this group is majority girls

This school is mostly Black and Latinx, so I think there are different factors at play.

My kid is nerdy and musical, has plenty of friends and is never bullied

The girl bashing on this entire thread is insane

It is really hard being a girl these days. Girls seem to be mean. The boys may or may not think you are cute. So much pressure.

My kids affluent middle and high school have a lot of very awkward looking girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my observation, popularity still exists, but not in the same way as when I was that age. (I'm 43 now)

There seems to be 2 kinds of popular:

one is athletic, smart kids, this group is mostly boys

the other is "bad kids" who dress inappropriately, spend a lot of time on hair and make up, talk back to teachers and get ISS, this group is majority girls

This school is mostly Black and Latinx, so I think there are different factors at play.

My kid is nerdy and musical, has plenty of friends and is never bullied

The girl bashing on this entire thread is insane

I don’t think there is girl bashing. Society is unforgiving to fat girls, ugly girls, not well dressed girls, bad hair girls, bad skin. You either have it or you don’t.

[Anonymous]

I learned it is called rizz, short from charisma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have to explain NPC to a few of you. It doesn’t have anything to do with online.

You’re a main character or an NPC. Like in a video game, you’re the one in the plot. Or you’re a game extra, just walking along the sidewalk or whatever.

They use these terms like
“Buddy thinks he’s the main character.” So if you’re acting too confident and people don’t think of you as a main character.

“Your outfit is NPC” meaning too basic.

“I know having my Stanley and Air
maxes is sort of NPC, but everyone knows I’m not NPC.”

Bumping into a wall “NPC move bruh”

“It’s giving main character vibes” Could be good or bad. Mostly bad, because someone could be putting you in your place.”

“Jackson has main character rizz. He’s always the center of attention. He’s so funny. But Rodney is always trying to be a main character… so dumb..”

OP here. I have heard my younger son talk about NPCs. I have also heard my older son call girls basic. They both hang out with the athletic kids since they are both athletes. My older son hangs out with the smart athletes. My younger son hangs out with the cool athletes who are not the best students. When I mention some of the kids I know from elementary, he will often say he doesn’t see him around or that he hangs out in X group, a group he has determined that he doesn’t want to be in.

Wow, sounds like your son ITA.

OP you are insufferable.

Did you ask this question because your kids are popular, and since they said popular kids are doing drugs, wondering if your kids are doing drugs? It sounds like they are to keep this status with jerks.

Basic just means average.

[Anonymous]

Girl moms seem to be getting offended of how teenage boys view them.

As a mom of both boys and a girl, I hope my daughter doesn’t get too much attention. I would be fine with her being just a good kid, not popular and not a main character role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have to explain NPC to a few of you. It doesn’t have anything to do with online.

You’re a main character or an NPC. Like in a video game, you’re the one in the plot. Or you’re a game extra, just walking along the sidewalk or whatever.

They use these terms like
“Buddy thinks he’s the main character.” So if you’re acting too confident and people don’t think of you as a main character.

“Your outfit is NPC” meaning too basic.

“I know having my Stanley and Air
maxes is sort of NPC, but everyone knows I’m not NPC.”

Bumping into a wall “NPC move bruh”

“It’s giving main character vibes” Could be good or bad. Mostly bad, because someone could be putting you in your place.”

“Jackson has main character rizz. He’s always the center of attention. He’s so funny. But Rodney is always trying to be a main character… so dumb..”

OP here. I have heard my younger son talk about NPCs. I have also heard my older son call girls basic. They both hang out with the athletic kids since they are both athletes. My older son hangs out with the smart athletes. My younger son hangs out with the cool athletes who are not the best students. When I mention some of the kids I know from elementary, he will often say he doesn’t see him around or that he hangs out in X group, a group he has determined that he doesn’t want to be in.

Wow, sounds like your son ITA.

OP you are insufferable.

Did you ask this question because your kids are popular, and since they said popular kids are doing drugs, wondering if your kids are doing drugs? It sounds like they are to keep this status with jerks.

Basic just means average.

Yup, and if you're girl does all the basic things (stanley cup, black leggins, oversized sweatshirts, love T-Swift, etc), then they are basic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The girl bashing on this entire thread is insane

I don't think it's girl bashing as much as it is a hard acknowledgement that middle school is brutal and girls' relational aggression peaks at this age. At this age they aren't all nice girls, as much as we'd like to think they are.