Predict DW's response when I tell her I would like her to lose some weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the record:
-- the gain I'm talking about increased her weight by 20-25% from her old normal
-- this is not baby weight. The last baby was 9 yars ago. The weight gaining has been only in the past couple years
-- I keep myself trim

You are a terrible dh and human being. Her weight is none of your business. If you told me this I would totally ignore you. I am so glad my dh is not like you. ( and I am not fat before anyone fat shames me) "I keep myself trim" too!

What? I'm a woman, and I feel like of course my body is my sex partner's business just as his is mine. If he gained 50lbs I probably wouldn't want to have sex with him anymore. Especially if they are raising children together, her health is very important to the family.

OP, I'm sympathetic. I have worked hard to prioritize staying slender. My DH struggles more than I do and it kills my desire. I have no idea how to talk to him about it, but I know he's already maxed out with work and raising kids. I think with women, if you just gently hint at it, she might get the picture. Sitting her down will only make her feel like crap. Are your communication skills good and nuanced enough that you can hint at things? Or say you want a family lifestyle change and start meal planning much healthier stuff? Set an example by fasting and telling her how it works for you? Start exercising with her in ways you both enjoy? Ask her to wear something she once fit into but now probably cannot? Most likely she's already not happy with her weight so be very gentle. But all these apologists on here are crazy and this lax attitude about getting fat is part of our country's obesity problem. This isn't gaining 5-15lbs as you age, OP is talking about 30-50lbs which, I'm sorry, does NOT look good on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the record:
-- the gain I'm talking about increased her weight by 20-25% from her old normal
-- this is not baby weight. The last baby was 9 yars ago. The weight gaining has been only in the past couple years
-- I keep myself trim

You are a terrible dh and human being. Her weight is none of your business. If you told me this I would totally ignore you. I am so glad my dh is not like you. ( and I am not fat before anyone fat shames me) "I keep myself trim" too!

What? I'm a woman, and I feel like of course my body is my sex partner's business just as his is mine. If he gained 50lbs I probably wouldn't want to have sex with him anymore. Especially if they are raising children together, her health is very important to the family.

OP, I'm sympathetic. I have worked hard to prioritize staying slender. My DH struggles more than I do and it kills my desire. I have no idea how to talk to him about it, but I know he's already maxed out with work and raising kids. I think with women, if you just gently hint at it, she might get the picture. Sitting her down will only make her feel like crap. Are your communication skills good and nuanced enough that you can hint at things? Or say you want a family lifestyle change and start meal planning much healthier stuff? Set an example by fasting and telling her how it works for you? Start exercising with her in ways you both enjoy? Ask her to wear something she once fit into but now probably cannot? Most likely she's already not happy with her weight so be very gentle. But all these apologists on here are crazy and this lax attitude about getting fat is part of our country's obesity problem. This isn't gaining 5-15lbs as you age, OP is talking about 30-50lbs which, I'm sorry, does NOT look good on anyone.

I wouldn’t like it if my spouse did this. It is so reminiscent of the stuff my mom did when I was in high school (family lifestyle change, talking about her own diet, buying clothes I wanted in a size too small). I would find it kind of patronizing and painful if my husband did this.

[Anonymous]

NP. I don't think OP is a troll. I think he's saying what a lot of spouses probably think but don't say.

It's important to find a partner you're compatible with beyond physical attractiveness. If we're lucky, we're all going to get old, develop wrinkles, sag, and probably gain some weight.

OP, encourage your wife to be healthy. Exercise with her. Cook healthy meals together. Compliment her successes.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, tell her your New Years resolution is to "get healthy" and ask her to do it with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say she has time. I bet she doesn’t.

You may measure time so much more differently than her. You’re thinking “we all have the same 24 hours.”

I don’t know her or you. You need to actively give her lots more time, lots more positive energy. Negative energy will result in needing more rest.

Everybody needs rest, so you may see her sitting on her butt, but she absolutely needs it to survive. Like I said, positive energy. Connection. That will go further than “time.”

Agree.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest you both get healthy together so you can both thrive, and what can you do to help do this.

My dh and I walk together, and most of my female neighbors are surprised he is willing to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep talking about time to exercise. That has basically nothing to do with weight loss. In fact, exercise is usually counterproductive for weight loss. To lose weight, you have to reduce your calorie intake, which means eating less, which usually requires developing better eating habits. That doesn't really take extra time out of your day. Might even take less since you're eating less.

So, how much weight have you lost, and successfully kept off, by only eating less? We'll wait. And don't fudge the "kept it off" part. Tell us your age and genetic details too, PP. What, you won't? So you don't comprehend that age, activity level, genetic background, hormones and more than just "eat less" all affect weight loss.

I'm not the PP you're raging at, but exercise is a very small part of weight loss. It has a lot of health benefits of course. No, I've never lost a significant amount of weight because I've never gained a significant amount (outside of pregnancy, maybe that counts?)

https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/does-exercise-help-you-lose-weight

I think this is a big part of the body positivity movement. It’s not really about being okay with being unhealthy, but about focusing on being healthy rather than being thin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let's see ...

I did not post about this previously

My BMI is 21.

Other than around pregnancy, hers was always around 23-24, but it incrased in the past couple years to 27-28. that's official overweight.

To the people who said things like "it's her body", get a grip. I didn't say I was going to try to force her to lose weight, and I'm not trying to "control" her body, just that I would tell her that's what I would like.

To the people who think looks don't matter, stop projecting, or examine your own preferences more closely. They matter to many people. Maybe not weight to everyone, maybe other aspects of appearance to some people. But they matter. And I don't see anything wrong with that. I try to stay attractive to her, and I want her to try for me.

Yes, she knows she's gained weight. Of course she knows. But she's not trying to lose it. If I tell her I would like her to, maybe that would help motivate her.

Do I have a plan? Sure, I have ideas, but I doubt she'd listen to me. Again, I'm mainly hoping this could motivate her.

I've never said this sort of thing to her before. Never needed to. After the pregnancies, she lost the weight. And beyond that, she generally maintained it.

I don't think time is a barrier. She has enough time to lose weight.

If she's actively working on it and progressing, okay. I wouldn't encourage a fast weight loss anyway; that would lead her to put it right back on.

I don't have droopy balls, but that would be out of my control, just like her wrinkles are out of her control and I would not say anything aobut that. But weight is controllable.

I get this.
Just frame it like it’s your daughter that you are talking to.

I mean, if your daughter gained weight, how would you tell her that looks and weight matter, and she needs to be attractive to boys she might want to date, or the man that she marries? What would you say to motivate her?

[Anonymous]

Try a different approach OP. Years ago, weight was creeping on me. My husband knew I wanted to lose weight but never mentioned anything. When he knew OrangeTheory was opening up near us he said, hey, I have heard good things about this. Do you want to check it out with me? I don't think he thought he would like it. But we both got hooked and went together. Over time, it made me want to change my diet as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let's see ...

I did not post about this previously

My BMI is 21.

Other than around pregnancy, hers was always around 23-24, but it incrased in the past couple years to 27-28. that's official overweight.

To the people who said things like "it's her body", get a grip. I didn't say I was going to try to force her to lose weight, and I'm not trying to "control" her body, just that I would tell her that's what I would like.

To the people who think looks don't matter, stop projecting, or examine your own preferences more closely. They matter to many people. Maybe not weight to everyone, maybe other aspects of appearance to some people. But they matter. And I don't see anything wrong with that. I try to stay attractive to her, and I want her to try for me.

Yes, she knows she's gained weight. Of course she knows. But she's not trying to lose it. If I tell her I would like her to, maybe that would help motivate her.

Do I have a plan? Sure, I have ideas, but I doubt she'd listen to me. Again, I'm mainly hoping this could motivate her.

I've never said this sort of thing to her before. Never needed to. After the pregnancies, she lost the weight. And beyond that, she generally maintained it.

I don't think time is a barrier. She has enough time to lose weight.

If she's actively working on it and progressing, okay. I wouldn't encourage a fast weight loss anyway; that would lead her to put it right back on.

I don't have droopy balls, but that would be out of my control, just like her wrinkles are out of her control and I would not say anything aobut that. But weight is controllable.

Uh huh.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK221834/#:~:text=The%20individual%20has%20no%20control,some%20environmental%20and%20social%20factors.

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/9-reasons-obesity-is-not-a-choice#TOC_TITLE_HDR_3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I don't think OP is a troll. I think he's saying what a lot of spouses probably think but don't say.

It's important to find a partner you're compatible with beyond physical attractiveness. If we're lucky, we're all going to get old, develop wrinkles, sag, and probably gain some weight.

OP, encourage your wife to be healthy. Exercise with her. Cook healthy meals together. Compliment her successes.

He didn’t say that she is unhealthy or that he wants her to engage in healthier behaviors.

This isn’t a good way to put it because she can engage in a lot of behaviors that are healthy, but don’t actually lead to weight loss (regular exercise, better sleep, yoga, meditation, stopping alcohol use, taking prescribed medications, etc), when this isn’t actually what he is asking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I don't think OP is a troll. I think he's saying what a lot of spouses probably think but don't say.

It's important to find a partner you're compatible with beyond physical attractiveness. If we're lucky, we're all going to get old, develop wrinkles, sag, and probably gain some weight.

OP, encourage your wife to be healthy. Exercise with her. Cook healthy meals together. Compliment her successes.

He didn’t say that she is unhealthy or that he wants her to engage in healthier behaviors.

This isn’t a good way to put it because she can engage in a lot of behaviors that are healthy, but don’t actually lead to weight loss (regular exercise, better sleep, yoga, meditation, stopping alcohol use, taking prescribed medications, etc), when this isn’t actually what he is asking for.

Exactly. And we don’t know if she was engaging in unhealthy behaviors when she weighed less … smoking, purging, disordered eating, having high anxiety etc. we know nothing about dw s actual health …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dan Savage once said that part of being a good partner is staying within 10% of the weight you were when you met. I've always made that a goal for myself.

Why is that part of being a good partner?

I don’t get it. My husband is unhappy with my weight. I have gained about 20% of what I weighed when we got married (160 lbs - 190 lbs ; 5’8”). I gained it during pregnancies, but my youngest is in fourth grade.

But we have a good sex life, and I know he finds me attractive. I am overall active (just ran four miles this morning and went on a long hike in the woods with DD yesterday). My health is good.

I find it uncomfortable to lose weight and maintain it. I don’t really want to live that way. I don’t get what the big deal is.

You sound so together!!

He is lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the record:
-- the gain I'm talking about increased her weight by 20-25% from her old normal
-- this is not baby weight. The last baby was 9 yars ago. The weight gaining has been only in the past couple years
-- I keep myself trim

You are a terrible dh and human being. Her weight is none of your business. If you told me this I would totally ignore you. I am so glad my dh is not like you. ( and I am not fat before anyone fat shames me) "I keep myself trim" too!

What? I'm a woman, and I feel like of course my body is my sex partner's business just as his is mine. If he gained 50lbs I probably wouldn't want to have sex with him anymore. Especially if they are raising children together, her health is very important to the family.

OP, I'm sympathetic. I have worked hard to prioritize staying slender. My DH struggles more than I do and it kills my desire. I have no idea how to talk to him about it, but I know he's already maxed out with work and raising kids. I think with women, if you just gently hint at it, she might get the picture. Sitting her down will only make her feel like crap. Are your communication skills good and nuanced enough that you can hint at things? Or say you want a family lifestyle change and start meal planning much healthier stuff? Set an example by fasting and telling her how it works for you? Start exercising with her in ways you both enjoy? Ask her to wear something she once fit into but now probably cannot? Most likely she's already not happy with her weight so be very gentle. But all these apologists on here are crazy and this lax attitude about getting fat is part of our country's obesity problem. This isn't gaining 5-15lbs as you age, OP is talking about 30-50lbs which, I'm sorry, does NOT look good on anyone.

You’re both terrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dan Savage once said that part of being a good partner is staying within 10% of the weight you were when you met. I've always made that a goal for myself.

Why is that part of being a good partner?

I don’t get it. My husband is unhappy with my weight. I have gained about 20% of what I weighed when we got married (160 lbs - 190 lbs ; 5’8”). I gained it during pregnancies, but my youngest is in fourth grade.

But we have a good sex life, and I know he finds me attractive. I am overall active (just ran four miles this morning and went on a long hike in the woods with DD yesterday). My health is good.

I find it uncomfortable to lose weight and maintain it. I don’t really want to live that way. I don’t get what the big deal is.

You sound so together!!

He is lucky.

Well, you both are talking to somebody who takes advice from a shock jock.