Predict DW's response when I tell her I would like her to lose some weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all gain / lose / carry weight in different ways. Our relationships to bring embodied vary. I grew up in a family of disordered eating and because of nurture and nature (?) have gained a lot of weight during two major difficult times in my life - late teens and my 40s. About 70-80 # each time. And then I lost it when my mental / emotional states changed and I was able to change circumstances around me. In my 40s, I am sure my now XH wasn’t “happy” with my weight gain - but I can see now that weight gain was due to lifestyle shifts (pregnancies, desk job, not enough time for myself), and mostly due to my unhappiness in the marriage. My literal protective barrier. Safety blanket. I do feel like “I let myself go” in that I truly lost my sense of self in the marriage and in that relationship. But I have no shame about my body fluctuation - just compassion for how hard it was on me overall and that my coping mechanism was still to be hard on myself and body.

So - ironically re: the OP and others - your spouses weight gain may be a reflection of how they are truly feeling about you and your relationship.

Actually anyone's weight gain is a reflection of consuming more calories than they use for energy. The difference is stored by the body as adipose tissue. It's simple arithmetic. Eat less.

Sure if you have a kindergarten education. But if you have an education beyond that, you’ll understand that there are a lot of things that are in play, including cortisol levels, hormonal levels, require drug intakes to treat diseases, sexual abuse, rape victimization, etc.

I'm a DP but you are quite confused. The other "things in play" you're talking about can affect HOW MANY calories someone's body needs or WHY someone is consuming a particular amount of calories. They do not alter the basic fact that eating more calories than you burn is the cause of weight gain. Suppose someone starts "eating their feelings" in response to a trauma. That might be psychologically understandable, and we can sympathize with that person, but if they're eating more than they're burning, they're going to gain weight, and the solution is to eat less. Now, to do that, they might need counseling or therapy--something targeted at their emotional state rather than their physical--but that doesn't change the fact that if they want to lose weight, they're going to have to alter the equation of how much they eat and how much they burn. And it's always easier to reduce consumption than to increase burning.

"I gained weight because I aged". Well, as you aged, your body needed fewer calories to operate. That's normal. If you gained weight, it's because you didn't make a corresponding adjustment to your caloric intake. You need to also eat less as your body slows down.

"I gained weight because I don't have time to exercise." Not really. Exercise is an inefficient and often counterproductive way to lose weight. You can bust your hump on an elliptical for a half hour or skip a snack--same effect on the calorie equation. And if you have bad eating habits--as most overweight people do--then the exercise will just make them hungrier and result in weight GAIN because they won't know how to manage their intake as their need increases.

And so on. If you're not focused on reducing calories in relative to calories out, nothing else will matter for weight loss.

Sure. If you eat less than you burn, then you will lose weight. But you have no way of knowing how much you burn, and all sorts of things affect it, so this isn’t useful information.

Also, I have been a therapist for many years. I can help people manage their lives and relationships and deal with trauma and stop self harming behavior or frequent suicide attempts, but it’s hard to change how people eat with talking. Do you know what can change weight? Concerta. Zyprexa. This is all more biological than people like to admit.

Could not disagree more. How you eat is most effectively controlled through the formation of better habits. This is very doable. The reason people don't is that they're not taught that's the answer. Instead, our culture--media, therapists, self-anointed fitness gurus--finds all kinds of other excuses and solutions, which are totally misguided.

To lose weight, you don't have to know your baseline metabolic rate and you don't have to count calories. Here's an approach: figure out something you eat routinely that you think you could do without. Maybe it's that midnight snack. Estimate how many calories it entails. You want to find something that's about 300-400 calories. Then stop eating that for 3-4 weeks and see what happens. I bet you'll start losing weight. As long as the weight is coming off, stick with that; when you stop losing weight again, find another way to shave a few hundred calories off your daily eating, and add that to the reduction for 3-4 weeks, and then see what happens, and repeat.

Now, as for how to stop eating that extra food, there are lots of behavioral things you can do to make it easier. Here's a list of some good ones off the top of my head:
* Don't buy or cook large amounts of food. Acquire as close to the amount you should eat as possible. You're trying to avoid giving yourself the chance to have second or third helpings.
* Relatedly, don't take out more food than you think you should eat. If you're going to eat some crackers, don't put the box next to you. Instead, take 8 or 10 or however many crackers out of the box, put the box away, and go sit somewhere else to eat.
* Don't drink your calories. Don't drink artificially sweetened drinks because they reinforce your desire for sugar. Only water, black coffee, plain tea (no milk).
* Choose foods with no or low added sugar.
* Don't eat while watching tv; don't eat mindlessly.
* Try not to eat alone.
* Try to eat slowly.
* Don't snack at all between dinner and bed.
* Don't ratchet up your exercise level until you've learned to control your eating.

Pp you are responding to...How do you think it works that Zyprexa makes people gain weight? I will give you a hint that it doesn't change their metabolism. It also doesn't work for people with AN or cancer related weight loss. But people who do not have an eating related illness will eat more and gain weight on the drug. Why?

Do you think that the drug changes people's habits? Or that it somehow makes it so they grew up in a different culture? Or gives them some kind of new information? No. Of course not.

So how? If the way that you eat is all habit and culture, then how could a drug change it?

On the flip side, how could Ozempic make people lose weight? It also doesn't change anyone's metabolism. It also doesn't change your culture or your memories of how you grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to know if OP is still alive.

Hopefully he decided to get over himself, stop hanging out on his laptop watching porn and posting on DCUM, and he is off having sex with his wife!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all gain / lose / carry weight in different ways. Our relationships to bring embodied vary. I grew up in a family of disordered eating and because of nurture and nature (?) have gained a lot of weight during two major difficult times in my life - late teens and my 40s. About 70-80 # each time. And then I lost it when my mental / emotional states changed and I was able to change circumstances around me. In my 40s, I am sure my now XH wasn’t “happy” with my weight gain - but I can see now that weight gain was due to lifestyle shifts (pregnancies, desk job, not enough time for myself), and mostly due to my unhappiness in the marriage. My literal protective barrier. Safety blanket. I do feel like “I let myself go” in that I truly lost my sense of self in the marriage and in that relationship. But I have no shame about my body fluctuation - just compassion for how hard it was on me overall and that my coping mechanism was still to be hard on myself and body.

So - ironically re: the OP and others - your spouses weight gain may be a reflection of how they are truly feeling about you and your relationship.

Actually anyone's weight gain is a reflection of consuming more calories than they use for energy. The difference is stored by the body as adipose tissue. It's simple arithmetic. Eat less.

Sure if you have a kindergarten education. But if you have an education beyond that, you’ll understand that there are a lot of things that are in play, including cortisol levels, hormonal levels, require drug intakes to treat diseases, sexual abuse, rape victimization, etc.

I'm a DP but you are quite confused. The other "things in play" you're talking about can affect HOW MANY calories someone's body needs or WHY someone is consuming a particular amount of calories. They do not alter the basic fact that eating more calories than you burn is the cause of weight gain. Suppose someone starts "eating their feelings" in response to a trauma. That might be psychologically understandable, and we can sympathize with that person, but if they're eating more than they're burning, they're going to gain weight, and the solution is to eat less. Now, to do that, they might need counseling or therapy--something targeted at their emotional state rather than their physical--but that doesn't change the fact that if they want to lose weight, they're going to have to alter the equation of how much they eat and how much they burn. And it's always easier to reduce consumption than to increase burning.

"I gained weight because I aged". Well, as you aged, your body needed fewer calories to operate. That's normal. If you gained weight, it's because you didn't make a corresponding adjustment to your caloric intake. You need to also eat less as your body slows down.

"I gained weight because I don't have time to exercise." Not really. Exercise is an inefficient and often counterproductive way to lose weight. You can bust your hump on an elliptical for a half hour or skip a snack--same effect on the calorie equation. And if you have bad eating habits--as most overweight people do--then the exercise will just make them hungrier and result in weight GAIN because they won't know how to manage their intake as their need increases.

And so on. If you're not focused on reducing calories in relative to calories out, nothing else will matter for weight loss.

Sure. If you eat less than you burn, then you will lose weight. But you have no way of knowing how much you burn, and all sorts of things affect it, so this isn’t useful information.

Also, I have been a therapist for many years. I can help people manage their lives and relationships and deal with trauma and stop self harming behavior or frequent suicide attempts, but it’s hard to change how people eat with talking. Do you know what can change weight? Concerta. Zyprexa. This is all more biological than people like to admit.

Could not disagree more. How you eat is most effectively controlled through the formation of better habits. This is very doable. The reason people don't is that they're not taught that's the answer. Instead, our culture--media, therapists, self-anointed fitness gurus--finds all kinds of other excuses and solutions, which are totally misguided.

To lose weight, you don't have to know your baseline metabolic rate and you don't have to count calories. Here's an approach: figure out something you eat routinely that you think you could do without. Maybe it's that midnight snack. Estimate how many calories it entails. You want to find something that's about 300-400 calories. Then stop eating that for 3-4 weeks and see what happens. I bet you'll start losing weight. As long as the weight is coming off, stick with that; when you stop losing weight again, find another way to shave a few hundred calories off your daily eating, and add that to the reduction for 3-4 weeks, and then see what happens, and repeat.

Now, as for how to stop eating that extra food, there are lots of behavioral things you can do to make it easier. Here's a list of some good ones off the top of my head:
* Don't buy or cook large amounts of food. Acquire as close to the amount you should eat as possible. You're trying to avoid giving yourself the chance to have second or third helpings.
* Relatedly, don't take out more food than you think you should eat. If you're going to eat some crackers, don't put the box next to you. Instead, take 8 or 10 or however many crackers out of the box, put the box away, and go sit somewhere else to eat.
* Don't drink your calories. Don't drink artificially sweetened drinks because they reinforce your desire for sugar. Only water, black coffee, plain tea (no milk).
* Choose foods with no or low added sugar.
* Don't eat while watching tv; don't eat mindlessly.
* Try not to eat alone.
* Try to eat slowly.
* Don't snack at all between dinner and bed.
* Don't ratchet up your exercise level until you've learned to control your eating.

Pp you are responding to...How do you think it works that Zyprexa makes people gain weight? I will give you a hint that it doesn't change their metabolism. It also doesn't work for people with AN or cancer related weight loss. But people who do not have an eating related illness will eat more and gain weight on the drug. Why?

Do you think that the drug changes people's habits? Or that it somehow makes it so they grew up in a different culture? Or gives them some kind of new information? No. Of course not.

So how? If the way that you eat is all habit and culture, then how could a drug change it?

On the flip side, how could Ozempic make people lose weight? It also doesn't change anyone's metabolism. It also doesn't change your culture or your memories of how you grew up.

I can't tell if you're being willfully stupid to push some agenda or if you're actually this dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all gain / lose / carry weight in different ways. Our relationships to bring embodied vary. I grew up in a family of disordered eating and because of nurture and nature (?) have gained a lot of weight during two major difficult times in my life - late teens and my 40s. About 70-80 # each time. And then I lost it when my mental / emotional states changed and I was able to change circumstances around me. In my 40s, I am sure my now XH wasn’t “happy” with my weight gain - but I can see now that weight gain was due to lifestyle shifts (pregnancies, desk job, not enough time for myself), and mostly due to my unhappiness in the marriage. My literal protective barrier. Safety blanket. I do feel like “I let myself go” in that I truly lost my sense of self in the marriage and in that relationship. But I have no shame about my body fluctuation - just compassion for how hard it was on me overall and that my coping mechanism was still to be hard on myself and body.

So - ironically re: the OP and others - your spouses weight gain may be a reflection of how they are truly feeling about you and your relationship.

Actually anyone's weight gain is a reflection of consuming more calories than they use for energy. The difference is stored by the body as adipose tissue. It's simple arithmetic. Eat less.

Sure if you have a kindergarten education. But if you have an education beyond that, you’ll understand that there are a lot of things that are in play, including cortisol levels, hormonal levels, require drug intakes to treat diseases, sexual abuse, rape victimization, etc.

I'm a DP but you are quite confused. The other "things in play" you're talking about can affect HOW MANY calories someone's body needs or WHY someone is consuming a particular amount of calories. They do not alter the basic fact that eating more calories than you burn is the cause of weight gain. Suppose someone starts "eating their feelings" in response to a trauma. That might be psychologically understandable, and we can sympathize with that person, but if they're eating more than they're burning, they're going to gain weight, and the solution is to eat less. Now, to do that, they might need counseling or therapy--something targeted at their emotional state rather than their physical--but that doesn't change the fact that if they want to lose weight, they're going to have to alter the equation of how much they eat and how much they burn. And it's always easier to reduce consumption than to increase burning.

"I gained weight because I aged". Well, as you aged, your body needed fewer calories to operate. That's normal. If you gained weight, it's because you didn't make a corresponding adjustment to your caloric intake. You need to also eat less as your body slows down.

"I gained weight because I don't have time to exercise." Not really. Exercise is an inefficient and often counterproductive way to lose weight. You can bust your hump on an elliptical for a half hour or skip a snack--same effect on the calorie equation. And if you have bad eating habits--as most overweight people do--then the exercise will just make them hungrier and result in weight GAIN because they won't know how to manage their intake as their need increases.

And so on. If you're not focused on reducing calories in relative to calories out, nothing else will matter for weight loss.

Sure. If you eat less than you burn, then you will lose weight. But you have no way of knowing how much you burn, and all sorts of things affect it, so this isn’t useful information.

Also, I have been a therapist for many years. I can help people manage their lives and relationships and deal with trauma and stop self harming behavior or frequent suicide attempts, but it’s hard to change how people eat with talking. Do you know what can change weight? Concerta. Zyprexa. This is all more biological than people like to admit.

Could not disagree more. How you eat is most effectively controlled through the formation of better habits. This is very doable. The reason people don't is that they're not taught that's the answer. Instead, our culture--media, therapists, self-anointed fitness gurus--finds all kinds of other excuses and solutions, which are totally misguided.

To lose weight, you don't have to know your baseline metabolic rate and you don't have to count calories. Here's an approach: figure out something you eat routinely that you think you could do without. Maybe it's that midnight snack. Estimate how many calories it entails. You want to find something that's about 300-400 calories. Then stop eating that for 3-4 weeks and see what happens. I bet you'll start losing weight. As long as the weight is coming off, stick with that; when you stop losing weight again, find another way to shave a few hundred calories off your daily eating, and add that to the reduction for 3-4 weeks, and then see what happens, and repeat.

Now, as for how to stop eating that extra food, there are lots of behavioral things you can do to make it easier. Here's a list of some good ones off the top of my head:
* Don't buy or cook large amounts of food. Acquire as close to the amount you should eat as possible. You're trying to avoid giving yourself the chance to have second or third helpings.
* Relatedly, don't take out more food than you think you should eat. If you're going to eat some crackers, don't put the box next to you. Instead, take 8 or 10 or however many crackers out of the box, put the box away, and go sit somewhere else to eat.
* Don't drink your calories. Don't drink artificially sweetened drinks because they reinforce your desire for sugar. Only water, black coffee, plain tea (no milk).
* Choose foods with no or low added sugar.
* Don't eat while watching tv; don't eat mindlessly.
* Try not to eat alone.
* Try to eat slowly.
* Don't snack at all between dinner and bed.
* Don't ratchet up your exercise level until you've learned to control your eating.

Pp you are responding to...How do you think it works that Zyprexa makes people gain weight? I will give you a hint that it doesn't change their metabolism. It also doesn't work for people with AN or cancer related weight loss. But people who do not have an eating related illness will eat more and gain weight on the drug. Why?

Do you think that the drug changes people's habits? Or that it somehow makes it so they grew up in a different culture? Or gives them some kind of new information? No. Of course not.

So how? If the way that you eat is all habit and culture, then how could a drug change it?

On the flip side, how could Ozempic make people lose weight? It also doesn't change anyone's metabolism. It also doesn't change your culture or your memories of how you grew up.

I can't tell if you're being willfully stupid to push some agenda or if you're actually this dumb.

lol..."This is so dumb."
You sound like my kids when they don't understand their Algebra homework

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy I can’t imagine why I would need to bring this up? Is she really less attractive?
Passion for my wife runs a lot deeper than what a scale says.

This

Both quotes are likely written by women - try persuade yourself that’s true. Life will show you it’s not. Spouses are only happy if both are overweight but not when one person is into workouts and health and the other eats bags of chips. These are not compatible

I am the poster that says passion for my wife runs a lot deeper than what a scale says. I am a guy 6’4” 245 and hover around 10-15% body fat. I workout in some form 5-6 days a week. My wife is 5’3” was 125-130 when we we met. She is currently 155-165, and at one point she was over 200lbs. Not for 1 sec has my desire for her ever dipped. She is a beautiful woman. I just want her to be healthy and comfortable that number isn’t for me to decide. So “These” are compatible.

What you wrote just proves my point. You have 29 BMI overweight ; your wife 28.4 also overweight (was obese when over 200). People tend to find attractive what’s close by looks to themselves

I don’t think if you were 6’4 180lbs you would find a 200lbs woman anywhere near attractive

Look. Most people would still love their spouse and find them attractive if they gained weight. Just like most people would still love their kids and enjoy their company even if they didn’t achieve in school/sports/whatever.

I get that this wasn’t your experience. That you weren’t loved as a kid. That you didn’t love your husband of 20 years, and that you don’t love the man you are currently sleeping with. I get that you have chosen to surround yourself with friends who are cheating and screaming at each other in whatever relationship they are in.

But most people are like this guy. They love their spouse. They love their kids. And that’s just the end of it. It’s more or less unconditional.

I don’t you can generalize these things. Many people sure. I don’t think it holds true for most men. For many if not most “Love” is completely conditional on sexual attraction which is most often determined by physical appearance.

My wife has gained 50%of her body weight. She was once 5'9" 140 and is now 210. Physically, she is a completely different person. She ate her way from being a marathon runner to someone who literally can't run due to her size.

I still love her but I am not sexually attracted to her.

Good lord. Op I sympathize. I thought at first it was going to be that she gained 20 pounds or something. But 70?? Woof. How does that even happen? I am a mom with a young child and I am within 3 pounds of my high school weight…which I maintain by exercising when I can and healthy eating. It’s not that hard.

You forgot to add “for me” at the end of your last sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20% just… isn’t that much? So let’s say she went from 130 to… 156?? Hardly enough to feel like it’s something to bring up to her! Post her actual stats bc if it’s something like 130—>156 and she’s taller than 5 feet even, this is a joke.

I was thinking the same thing. And is this weight gain since they started dating?

So, what, she weighs 25lbs more at 40 than she did at 20, and she gained a lot of it during pregnancy with your kids?
Is this really that big of a deal?

You apparently didn't read the post. The weight gain he's talking about is just in the past couple years, long after the babies.

Ok so she is menopausal (9 years after the last kid could easily be late 40s) and gained a little weight. Extremely common. Many many women say they need to eat only 1200 calories a day post menopause to not gain any weight. Which is very very little. Again if it’s something like 130 to 156 in someone approaching 50, I do not see any issue.

This is my story. The calorie reduction/low carb/higher protein plans I’ve used before are not working on my peri-menopausal 50 year old body. It’s so frustrating b/c I can’t live off of 1200 calories a day and be a mentally healthy person.

I don't get that. When you gain weight, that's your body telling you it does not need all the energy you're giving it. If your body's needs decline as you age, you have a choice. Eat the same and gain weight, or eat less in response to those declining needs. This isn't some social construct. It is biology: the fat is the storage of excess energy extracted from food.

Have you ever tried living long term on 1200 calories a day? That is also my set point for staying a size 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20% just… isn’t that much? So let’s say she went from 130 to… 156?? Hardly enough to feel like it’s something to bring up to her! Post her actual stats bc if it’s something like 130—>156 and she’s taller than 5 feet even, this is a joke.

I was thinking the same thing. And is this weight gain since they started dating?

So, what, she weighs 25lbs more at 40 than she did at 20, and she gained a lot of it during pregnancy with your kids?
Is this really that big of a deal?

You apparently didn't read the post. The weight gain he's talking about is just in the past couple years, long after the babies.

Ok so she is menopausal (9 years after the last kid could easily be late 40s) and gained a little weight. Extremely common. Many many women say they need to eat only 1200 calories a day post menopause to not gain any weight. Which is very very little. Again if it’s something like 130 to 156 in someone approaching 50, I do not see any issue.

This is my story. The calorie reduction/low carb/higher protein plans I’ve used before are not working on my peri-menopausal 50 year old body. It’s so frustrating b/c I can’t live off of 1200 calories a day and be a mentally healthy person.

I don't get that. When you gain weight, that's your body telling you it does not need all the energy you're giving it. If your body's needs decline as you age, you have a choice. Eat the same and gain weight, or eat less in response to those declining needs. This isn't some social construct. It is biology: the fat is the storage of excess energy extracted from food.

Have you ever tried living long term on 1200 calories a day? That is also my set point for staying a size 8.

This is me as well. The way I have learned to manage it best is through intermittent fasting. I just don't eat in the mornings. I drink black coffee or tea, and hot lemon water all morning long. In the summer it's all iced and not hot. I break my fast after noon and then I can manage a mid sized lunch, a couple of snacks and dinenr in the 1200 calories by 8/9pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy I can’t imagine why I would need to bring this up? Is she really less attractive?
Passion for my wife runs a lot deeper than what a scale says.

This

Both quotes are likely written by women - try persuade yourself that’s true. Life will show you it’s not. Spouses are only happy if both are overweight but not when one person is into workouts and health and the other eats bags of chips. These are not compatible

I am the poster that says passion for my wife runs a lot deeper than what a scale says. I am a guy 6’4” 245 and hover around 10-15% body fat. I workout in some form 5-6 days a week. My wife is 5’3” was 125-130 when we we met. She is currently 155-165, and at one point she was over 200lbs. Not for 1 sec has my desire for her ever dipped. She is a beautiful woman. I just want her to be healthy and comfortable that number isn’t for me to decide. So “These” are compatible.

What you wrote just proves my point. You have 29 BMI overweight ; your wife 28.4 also overweight (was obese when over 200). People tend to find attractive what’s close by looks to themselves

I don’t think if you were 6’4 180lbs you would find a 200lbs woman anywhere near attractive

Look. Most people would still love their spouse and find them attractive if they gained weight. Just like most people would still love their kids and enjoy their company even if they didn’t achieve in school/sports/whatever.

I get that this wasn’t your experience. That you weren’t loved as a kid. That you didn’t love your husband of 20 years, and that you don’t love the man you are currently sleeping with. I get that you have chosen to surround yourself with friends who are cheating and screaming at each other in whatever relationship they are in.

But most people are like this guy. They love their spouse. They love their kids. And that’s just the end of it. It’s more or less unconditional.

I don’t you can generalize these things. Many people sure. I don’t think it holds true for most men. For many if not most “Love” is completely conditional on sexual attraction which is most often determined by physical appearance.

My wife has gained 50%of her body weight. She was once 5'9" 140 and is now 210. Physically, she is a completely different person. She ate her way from being a marathon runner to someone who literally can't run due to her size.

I still love her but I am not sexually attracted to her.

Good lord. Op I sympathize. I thought at first it was going to be that she gained 20 pounds or something. But 70?? Woof. How does that even happen? I am a mom with a young child and I am within 3 pounds of my high school weight…which I maintain by exercising when I can and healthy eating. It’s not that hard.

This is laughable.
Why don't you come back when you've learned how to develop a shred of empathy, understanding and self awareness.

As of right now, it doesn't matter how thin you are if you're absolutely unbearable and exhausting.
How do you not notice all of the overstated eye rolls while you're patting yourself on the back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all gain / lose / carry weight in different ways. Our relationships to bring embodied vary. I grew up in a family of disordered eating and because of nurture and nature (?) have gained a lot of weight during two major difficult times in my life - late teens and my 40s. About 70-80 # each time. And then I lost it when my mental / emotional states changed and I was able to change circumstances around me. In my 40s, I am sure my now XH wasn’t “happy” with my weight gain - but I can see now that weight gain was due to lifestyle shifts (pregnancies, desk job, not enough time for myself), and mostly due to my unhappiness in the marriage. My literal protective barrier. Safety blanket. I do feel like “I let myself go” in that I truly lost my sense of self in the marriage and in that relationship. But I have no shame about my body fluctuation - just compassion for how hard it was on me overall and that my coping mechanism was still to be hard on myself and body.

So - ironically re: the OP and others - your spouses weight gain may be a reflection of how they are truly feeling about you and your relationship.

Actually anyone's weight gain is a reflection of consuming more calories than they use for energy. The difference is stored by the body as adipose tissue. It's simple arithmetic. Eat less.

Sure if you have a kindergarten education. But if you have an education beyond that, you’ll understand that there are a lot of things that are in play, including cortisol levels, hormonal levels, require drug intakes to treat diseases, sexual abuse, rape victimization, etc.

I'm a DP but you are quite confused. The other "things in play" you're talking about can affect HOW MANY calories someone's body needs or WHY someone is consuming a particular amount of calories. They do not alter the basic fact that eating more calories than you burn is the cause of weight gain. Suppose someone starts "eating their feelings" in response to a trauma. That might be psychologically understandable, and we can sympathize with that person, but if they're eating more than they're burning, they're going to gain weight, and the solution is to eat less. Now, to do that, they might need counseling or therapy--something targeted at their emotional state rather than their physical--but that doesn't change the fact that if they want to lose weight, they're going to have to alter the equation of how much they eat and how much they burn. And it's always easier to reduce consumption than to increase burning.

"I gained weight because I aged". Well, as you aged, your body needed fewer calories to operate. That's normal. If you gained weight, it's because you didn't make a corresponding adjustment to your caloric intake. You need to also eat less as your body slows down.

"I gained weight because I don't have time to exercise." Not really. Exercise is an inefficient and often counterproductive way to lose weight. You can bust your hump on an elliptical for a half hour or skip a snack--same effect on the calorie equation. And if you have bad eating habits--as most overweight people do--then the exercise will just make them hungrier and result in weight GAIN because they won't know how to manage their intake as their need increases.

And so on. If you're not focused on reducing calories in relative to calories out, nothing else will matter for weight loss.

Sure. If you eat less than you burn, then you will lose weight. But you have no way of knowing how much you burn, and all sorts of things affect it, so this isn’t useful information.

Also, I have been a therapist for many years. I can help people manage their lives and relationships and deal with trauma and stop self harming behavior or frequent suicide attempts, but it’s hard to change how people eat with talking. Do you know what can change weight? Concerta. Zyprexa. This is all more biological than people like to admit.

What? You absolutely can figure out how many calories you burn. Get a Fitbit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy I can’t imagine why I would need to bring this up? Is she really less attractive?
Passion for my wife runs a lot deeper than what a scale says.

This

Both quotes are likely written by women - try persuade yourself that’s true. Life will show you it’s not. Spouses are only happy if both are overweight but not when one person is into workouts and health and the other eats bags of chips. These are not compatible

I am the poster that says passion for my wife runs a lot deeper than what a scale says. I am a guy 6’4” 245 and hover around 10-15% body fat. I workout in some form 5-6 days a week. My wife is 5’3” was 125-130 when we we met. She is currently 155-165, and at one point she was over 200lbs. Not for 1 sec has my desire for her ever dipped. She is a beautiful woman. I just want her to be healthy and comfortable that number isn’t for me to decide. So “These” are compatible.

What you wrote just proves my point. You have 29 BMI overweight ; your wife 28.4 also overweight (was obese when over 200). People tend to find attractive what’s close by looks to themselves

I don’t think if you were 6’4 180lbs you would find a 200lbs woman anywhere near attractive

Look. Most people would still love their spouse and find them attractive if they gained weight. Just like most people would still love their kids and enjoy their company even if they didn’t achieve in school/sports/whatever.

I get that this wasn’t your experience. That you weren’t loved as a kid. That you didn’t love your husband of 20 years, and that you don’t love the man you are currently sleeping with. I get that you have chosen to surround yourself with friends who are cheating and screaming at each other in whatever relationship they are in.

But most people are like this guy. They love their spouse. They love their kids. And that’s just the end of it. It’s more or less unconditional.

I don’t you can generalize these things. Many people sure. I don’t think it holds true for most men. For many if not most “Love” is completely conditional on sexual attraction which is most often determined by physical appearance.

My wife has gained 50%of her body weight. She was once 5'9" 140 and is now 210. Physically, she is a completely different person. She ate her way from being a marathon runner to someone who literally can't run due to her size.

I still love her but I am not sexually attracted to her.

Good lord. Op I sympathize. I thought at first it was going to be that she gained 20 pounds or something. But 70?? Woof. How does that even happen? I am a mom with a young child and I am within 3 pounds of my high school weight…which I maintain by exercising when I can and healthy eating. It’s not that hard.

This is laughable.
Why don't you come back when you've learned how to develop a shred of empathy, understanding and self awareness.

As of right now, it doesn't matter how thin you are if you're absolutely unbearable and exhausting.
How do you not notice all of the overstated eye rolls while you're patting yourself on the back?

How is maintaining a healthy weight through diet and exercise laughable? You should try it, I bet you would feel a lot better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy I can’t imagine why I would need to bring this up? Is she really less attractive?
Passion for my wife runs a lot deeper than what a scale says.

This

Both quotes are likely written by women - try persuade yourself that’s true. Life will show you it’s not. Spouses are only happy if both are overweight but not when one person is into workouts and health and the other eats bags of chips. These are not compatible

I am the poster that says passion for my wife runs a lot deeper than what a scale says. I am a guy 6’4” 245 and hover around 10-15% body fat. I workout in some form 5-6 days a week. My wife is 5’3” was 125-130 when we we met. She is currently 155-165, and at one point she was over 200lbs. Not for 1 sec has my desire for her ever dipped. She is a beautiful woman. I just want her to be healthy and comfortable that number isn’t for me to decide. So “These” are compatible.

What you wrote just proves my point. You have 29 BMI overweight ; your wife 28.4 also overweight (was obese when over 200). People tend to find attractive what’s close by looks to themselves

I don’t think if you were 6’4 180lbs you would find a 200lbs woman anywhere near attractive

Look. Most people would still love their spouse and find them attractive if they gained weight. Just like most people would still love their kids and enjoy their company even if they didn’t achieve in school/sports/whatever.

I get that this wasn’t your experience. That you weren’t loved as a kid. That you didn’t love your husband of 20 years, and that you don’t love the man you are currently sleeping with. I get that you have chosen to surround yourself with friends who are cheating and screaming at each other in whatever relationship they are in.

But most people are like this guy. They love their spouse. They love their kids. And that’s just the end of it. It’s more or less unconditional.

I don’t you can generalize these things. Many people sure. I don’t think it holds true for most men. For many if not most “Love” is completely conditional on sexual attraction which is most often determined by physical appearance.

My wife has gained 50%of her body weight. She was once 5'9" 140 and is now 210. Physically, she is a completely different person. She ate her way from being a marathon runner to someone who literally can't run due to her size.

I still love her but I am not sexually attracted to her.

Good lord. Op I sympathize. I thought at first it was going to be that she gained 20 pounds or something. But 70?? Woof. How does that even happen? I am a mom with a young child and I am within 3 pounds of my high school weight…which I maintain by exercising when I can and healthy eating. It’s not that hard.

This is laughable.
Why don't you come back when you've learned how to develop a shred of empathy, understanding and self awareness.

As of right now, it doesn't matter how thin you are if you're absolutely unbearable and exhausting.
How do you not notice all of the overstated eye rolls while you're patting yourself on the back?

How is maintaining a healthy weight through diet and exercise laughable? You should try it, I bet you would feel a lot better!

If people feel so great when they are dieting and exercising how come the weight usually comes back? You’re feeling so great! Why is their a weight epidemic.why do diets not work?

You’re a simplistic moron. I suspect you’ll find out soon enough that doesn’t work forever.

[Anonymous]

It’s been proven to depend on hormones, in particular cortisol and adrenaline if I recall correctly. Some people have more of these and others less. It has very little to do with willpower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy I can’t imagine why I would need to bring this up? Is she really less attractive?
Passion for my wife runs a lot deeper than what a scale says.

This

Both quotes are likely written by women - try persuade yourself that’s true. Life will show you it’s not. Spouses are only happy if both are overweight but not when one person is into workouts and health and the other eats bags of chips. These are not compatible

I am the poster that says passion for my wife runs a lot deeper than what a scale says. I am a guy 6’4” 245 and hover around 10-15% body fat. I workout in some form 5-6 days a week. My wife is 5’3” was 125-130 when we we met. She is currently 155-165, and at one point she was over 200lbs. Not for 1 sec has my desire for her ever dipped. She is a beautiful woman. I just want her to be healthy and comfortable that number isn’t for me to decide. So “These” are compatible.

What you wrote just proves my point. You have 29 BMI overweight ; your wife 28.4 also overweight (was obese when over 200). People tend to find attractive what’s close by looks to themselves

I don’t think if you were 6’4 180lbs you would find a 200lbs woman anywhere near attractive

Look. Most people would still love their spouse and find them attractive if they gained weight. Just like most people would still love their kids and enjoy their company even if they didn’t achieve in school/sports/whatever.

I get that this wasn’t your experience. That you weren’t loved as a kid. That you didn’t love your husband of 20 years, and that you don’t love the man you are currently sleeping with. I get that you have chosen to surround yourself with friends who are cheating and screaming at each other in whatever relationship they are in.

But most people are like this guy. They love their spouse. They love their kids. And that’s just the end of it. It’s more or less unconditional.

I don’t you can generalize these things. Many people sure. I don’t think it holds true for most men. For many if not most “Love” is completely conditional on sexual attraction which is most often determined by physical appearance.

My wife has gained 50%of her body weight. She was once 5'9" 140 and is now 210. Physically, she is a completely different person. She ate her way from being a marathon runner to someone who literally can't run due to her size.

I still love her but I am not sexually attracted to her.

Good lord. Op I sympathize. I thought at first it was going to be that she gained 20 pounds or something. But 70?? Woof. How does that even happen? I am a mom with a young child and I am within 3 pounds of my high school weight…which I maintain by exercising when I can and healthy eating. It’s not that hard.

This is laughable.
Why don't you come back when you've learned how to develop a shred of empathy, understanding and self awareness.

As of right now, it doesn't matter how thin you are if you're absolutely unbearable and exhausting.
How do you not notice all of the overstated eye rolls while you're patting yourself on the back?

How is maintaining a healthy weight through diet and exercise laughable? You should try it, I bet you would feel a lot better!

If people feel so great when they are dieting and exercising how come the weight usually comes back? You’re feeling so great! Why is their a weight epidemic.why do diets not work?

You’re a simplistic moron. I suspect you’ll find out soon enough that doesn’t work forever.

Look, I know you are invested in a narrative where you are overweight and too lazy to do anything about it, so therefore no one else can be thin. I don’t have any weight that is going to “come back”. I’m almost 40 and I’ve maintained the same ballpark weight through most of my adult life, excluding pregnancy and post Partum. My mother is almost 70 and also weighs roughly the same as she did as a young adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why foreign women are better (from that mega thread a few weeks ago)

You can be more honest with them and they won’t act a fool

OP, just be honest.

“Larla, you’ve gained weight. I’m concerned about how that affects your health and attractiveness. Let’s build a nutrition and fitness plan to get you back to your prior best”

I'm foreign and if my DH told me that, I'd file for divorce.