How to handle? Tough-to-coach kid with a family tragedy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d have a conversation with her dad about this. “John, as you know, the team will be moving to a higher competitive level this season. We love having Larla on the team, but are on the fence whether it would be best for her to move up with this team, or drop back to Team X. Her xyz skills could use additional work and she seems frustrated at times. On Team X, she would likely see much more playing time to work on these skills, which could be to her benefit. However, we also recognize that with Susan’s recent passing, Larla may struggle with a change in teams. What are your thoughts?”

Or similar. I’m sure someone can come up with better phrasing.

See what the Dad has to say. He knows his daughter better than anyone else.

This is the worst idea. You're basically hinting to the dad that you're going to cut the girl or that you're only letting her on because you feel sorry for her? Why would you do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worse than getting cut, is going the entire year with only a few minutes of playing time and zero points scored.

The kind and appropriate thing to do is to help her land on a team that is appropriate for her skill level

As a parent whose kids experienced a similar level of tragedy at about the same age, I have to totally disagree with this.

In the first months after the tragedy, my kids desperately needed outlets like friendships and sports. They also needed familiarity, and known adults, like OP's DH, who weren't out of their mind with grief. I will forever be grateful to the parents of my kids' friends who stepped up and gave my kids opportunities to stay connected and get a break from my grief and all the triggers at home.

The idea that taking that away from them, could somehow be measured against the "devastation" another child might experience when not making a new team, is bizarre.

I'll also say that yes, of course, the kid trying out could have some difficult situation. But that kid isn't part of this community yet, so it would still just be the loss of a spot, not the same as the loss of familiarity and existing connections. Because our trauma happened during the pandemic, one of my kids switched from an indoor sport to an outdoor one. I didn't expect that coach to kick off an established athlete, or change their standards for him. Because it wasn't an existing relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long ago did the parent die?? If it was over the summer, I'd say cut her. If it was within the month, keep her for one more season but make her the team manager or something random so an actual player can play.

So,
Summer ended like 2 weeks ago. So if her mom died suddenly 5 weeks ago, cut her, but not if she died suddenly 2 weeks ago. By 5 weeks, an 11 year old should have moved on.

This cannot be serious. It just can't. I refuse to believe it.

I mean who really mourns the premature death of a parent during their formative years?0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No question. She should not get offered a spot on the team.

Coach has a responsibility to the entire team, not just to this one girl.

She can have a fine season (and presumably a more successful season against lesser competition) playing Rec

The coach has a responsibility to model values and decision making for the other kids. That responsibility takes precedence over a winning season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would only keep her if you can have an extra spot on the team to keep her. Devastating some other kid and cutting them is not the right answer either.

Or agree you make her the manager. Or you personally transition her to another team and environment that's more appropriate for you. Time to get creative. There is a solution that does not involve F-ing over some other kid.

By the way, if she is less skilled and makes the team anyway the other kids all know it and they will know she got kept on the team because of her personal situation and they likely won't be kind about it. Not sure you're doing her any favors.

My kid is (surprisingly to his klutzy family) very good at his sport. But if I ever got a whiff of the bolded in him, he’d be out of that sport so fast his head would spin. No way am I going to raise this monster. I would hope that all of you parents would deal severely with your kid who couldn’t show some basic empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worse than getting cut, is going the entire year with only a few minutes of playing time and zero points scored.

The kind and appropriate thing to do is to help her land on a team that is appropriate for her skill level

As a parent whose kids experienced a similar level of tragedy at about the same age, I have to totally disagree with this.

In the first months after the tragedy, my kids desperately needed outlets like friendships and sports. They also needed familiarity, and known adults, like OP's DH, who weren't out of their mind with grief. I will forever be grateful to the parents of my kids' friends who stepped up and gave my kids opportunities to stay connected and get a break from my grief and all the triggers at home.

The idea that taking that away from them, could somehow be measured against the "devastation" another child might experience when not making a new team, is bizarre.

I'll also say that yes, of course, the kid trying out could have some difficult situation. But that kid isn't part of this community yet, so it would still just be the loss of a spot, not the same as the loss of familiarity and existing connections. Because our trauma happened during the pandemic, one of my kids switched from an indoor sport to an outdoor one. I didn't expect that coach to kick off an established athlete, or change their standards for him. Because it wasn't an existing relationship.

OP, this is person you should listen to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My god people. How would you want your adolescent child treated if you dropped dead next week?

+1

This thread honestly shocks me. These girls are 11 years old. WTH is wrong with people?

Sports parents are the biggest a.holes.

Nah, some of us are here, horrified by the people arguing to cut this girl. Hell, I have similar age kids and they’d be the first ones to go to bat for her in these circumstances, even if she was not their favorite teammate previously.

Jesus Christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No question. She should not get offered a spot on the team.

Coach has a responsibility to the entire team, not just to this one girl.

She can have a fine season (and presumably a more successful season against lesser competition) playing Rec

You are wrong. These are children. Have some compassion and awareness of youth mental health and depression risk, etc.

I do. And assuming this is actually a truly competitive league, having her go a full season where she barely gets playing team, doesn't score, gets beat on defense, and has to hear rumors of "why she made the team", having her play at ability-appropriate level is the kind and compassionate thing to do

Have you had to sit through some of these “competitive” teams? It’s not the WNBA. A couple of kids are good. There’s usually one stand out. The rest are just capable. She wouldn’t be noticed.

It’s not a hard decision. Put her on the team and stop taking yourself so seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut her and sleep like a baby. Everyone has stuff they are going through. If there is a standard and she doesn't meet it then she should be cut. If there is some discretion then you can be kind. But it's fine if the kid gets cut. Sometimes you get dealt a bad hand.

Yeah. It's not ok to make everyone suffer to make one person who sounds toxic and disruptive, to avoid facing reality. Cutting her from the team is not killing her. So coach should do what is best for the team.

Make everyone suffer? These are not a bunch of Michael Jordans. They are 11 year olds guaranteed that most of them play like 11 year olds. So dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread makes me vomit. Kids sports are out of control and the parents that contribute to this are horrible people.

+1 sickening some of these responses.

+1
I would think really poorly of the coach family if they cut the girl in real life. Really poorly.

+2 I already thought poorly of OP for creating this thread. A middle school coach’s wife spewing like she has a clue. Your husband already knows in his heart what to do. Are aggrandizing your husband, the coach? Take a damn seat and shut up.

[Anonymous]

My DD was in the receiving end of unfairness when her classmate’s dad died suddenly. Yes, she noticed the unfairness. Yes, she complained about it. And you know what we said? We said “her dad is dead and yours isn’t, so we understand that you’re upset but it doesn’t compare. You’ll be ok.” And she actually responded said (in not so many words) that she understood and it actually did seem fair for her classmate to have some unearned advantages since so many other parts of that girl’s life had been ruined.

And guess what? The community wrapping their arms around this girl and giving some extra priveleges to get her through those tough years pulled her through a dark place to the other side. The outcomes now are truly no different than they would have been except that there are a ton of kids in their friend group who see the world with empathy and understanding beyond their years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I was friends with the person who passed and not as close to the surviving spouse.
There are only x spots. It's not like other people just join a new team.
My DH agrees with you all, and I do too, I get it. The issue is, he's not the final arbiter. He isn't the league manager. But he has a say and is now kind of caught trying to make a case for this.
Death was sudden and the "coachable" complaints long predate anything happening.

So he goes to the league manager and convinces them to expand the roster one time so a newly motherless child can have the comfort of playing on a team with friends and caring adults. For one season.

I disagree with the PPs who think this is why there should be no parent coaches for 11 or 12 yr olds. If having parent coaches means some compassion is occasionally extended to a grieving child, then it’s the right system.

I wouldn’t want to be part of a system that would cut this child loose right now.

+1 for one season.

At some point conversations with her dad this winter about whether she is likely to return the following year based on behavior and ability.

+1000. Come on people. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My god people. How would you want your adolescent child treated if you dropped dead next week?

+1

This thread honestly shocks me. These girls are 11 years old. WTH is wrong with people?

Our societal problems in a nutshell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No question. She should not get offered a spot on the team.

Coach has a responsibility to the entire team, not just to this one girl.

She can have a fine season (and presumably a more successful season against lesser competition) playing Rec

You are an evil person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's youth sports with 11 year olds. Unless these kids are training for the Olympics you don't cut this kid. Other deserving kid can find a spot on a different team. JFC - this is not hard.

It’s rare when the first response is perfect, but this is it.