Parents of 1-2 kids- are you happy or do you regret not having few more

[Anonymous]

Had 3, lost 1, happy with 2.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Feels like a lot of people are looking for validation, especially the moms of 2.

Especially everyone. All the moms on here are desperately looking to justify their "perfect" decisions. There is no room for mulitple positive scenerios to coexist. It's why I hate this board so much sometimes. Someone can't be "right" without the other person being "wrong." It's no different from breastfeeding, working, you name it. Barf.

I hope I haven't contributed to that. I love having two but I think the reasons it's perfect for us are very personal. My kids' temperaments work really well together so I'm glad I didn't have just my first (that would have been HARD), and I know I couldn't have handled three because of a chronic illness I have. My husband was raised Mormon so I have seen a lot of huge families, and I've seen a lot of families with one or no kids, and I think that great families come in all different sizes.

I feel the same. I see plenty of loving, functional big families but all of them are good at embracing (controlled) chaos and letting lots of small stuff go. That is not an insult. I’m just very Type A and know how hard that would be for me. And yes I’m probably “too involved” as a parent but that’s who I am and am comfortable being. I actually started out thinking I wanted 4-5 kids until I had my first. I used to babysit for several large families and loved it! But I was not dealing with the bigger picture (or the laundry!) After having 1, I realized I could cope with 2.

Maybe you're just low energy.

See, when you say something mean after I write a nice friendly post, it just makes you sound insecure and defensive.

I don't think saying someone is low energy is any less friendly than saying you're just "too involved" with your kids to want more than two.

NP. You don't? PP said she doesn't let small stuff go, is very Type A, and "too involved" with her kids so she knew she shouldn't have more than two kids. How is that "unfriendly?"

Lots of parents of three or more managae to also be involved, type A and not let the small stuff go. Again, maybe PP is just low energy. No shame in admitting that!

DP - you really should just admit you're being needlessly mean. The PP who described herself as Type A wasn't using "too involved" to brag - she was being candid about her strengths and weaknesses as a parent. Also, she's right; parents of 3+, at least the happy ones, typically do let the small stuff go because it's that or be a tightly-wound jerk. It's the parents who try to parent 3+ kids as if they had one who seem the most miserable, at least IME. Embrace the chaos!

Are you a parent of three PP?

Yes, I am. Both DH and I work full-time and have little family help. We absolutely let the small stuff go; some people mean that as an insult. I trust "Type A" PP that she did not - I read her post as genuine and friendly, which is indeed a rarity in these parts.

[Anonymous]

Have 1. Grateful to have the one, but wanted more. Couldn't do to age and infertility.

[Anonymous]

Kindly: this is your life and your time, too. Focusing on what you MIGHT regret in the future is not going to get you very far. If you don’t want to spend more years in the weeds with the baby/toddler phase and the unique challenges of each stage thereafter…that’s legitimate. In our case, one of our parents died young, in their early 50’s, just after launching their kids. They got to take ONE trip in retirement before a terminal diagnosis. That provided a lot of perspective for us; you don’t get to assume you’ll live forever. You may not have a chance to do whatever you want after your kids grow up. Deferring your own dreams is a risk. How do you want to spend your days NOW?

Some people see kids as a short-term, temporary challenge that converts into exponential joy down the line (or at the “holiday table” when the kids are grown). We don’t see it that way. Kids don’t really get “easier” they get different. The baby and toddler years are very difficult in a specific way. But the elementary years have their own challenges. Those are the years when learning and behavior challenges emerge, when kids become emotionally complex. And because of the way that timing unfolds…if you have three kids, you could be finding out that one of your older kids is going to need a lot of extra support after you’ve had or become pregnant with another kid. That’s…a lot to juggle. Is that the type of challenge you think you’d enjoy? Or find purpose in? Really interrogate yourself on that, because you’re allowed to make a choice that will give you a chance to pursue things that bring you joy.

The fact is, most people do not like the actual work of parenting. They love their kids, but when it comes down to it, they don’t like the actual work—the cleaning, the patience, the discomfort, the sacrifice, the worrying— parenting in each phase requires. If you’re one of the few who finds true joy and purpose in wiping butts, waiting out tantrums, packing lunches, dealing with moods, etc. then maybe some extra years in the trenches of each stage is worth it for you. I think there really are some people for whom these tasks do not feel menial or like a burden. You need to figure out if that’s you. Don’t try to predict what you’ll feel in the future. And assure yourself that you’re making the best decision you can based on the information you have.

Lastly, for what it’s worth: I think it really means something to a child when their parent(s) seem to enjoy raising them. In that way, focusing on your own enjoyment NOW is not selfish, but a boon to the family and the child(ren). For all you know, having too many kids than you can enjoy will create the kind of toxicity and resentment that blows up that “holiday table” vision altogether.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a bit unfair to have only one. It seems like the reasons have no regard for what the child will go through. I have never met an older only child who is happy with being an only. Kids need siblings.

[Anonymous]

I have two and wish I had one more- but I had my kids too late and both by c section so it’s not advisable. It would have felt more complete, maybe because I came from a family of five.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a bit unfair to have only one. It seems like the reasons have no regard for what the child will go through. I have never met an older only child who is happy with being an only. Kids need siblings.

I loved growing up as an only!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a bit unfair to have only one. It seems like the reasons have no regard for what the child will go through. I have never met an older only child who is happy with being an only. Kids need siblings.

I loved growing up as an only!

Same! Kids need happy, stable homes, not a specific family structure. I bet PP wouldn't say the above about single parents, families with special needs kids, or an ill parent. Families come in all shapes and sizes and you cannot guarantee a happy or unhappy childhood by doing things the "right" way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kindly: this is your life and your time, too. Focusing on what you MIGHT regret in the future is not going to get you very far. If you don’t want to spend more years in the weeds with the baby/toddler phase and the unique challenges of each stage thereafter…that’s legitimate. In our case, one of our parents died young, in their early 50’s, just after launching their kids. They got to take ONE trip in retirement before a terminal diagnosis. That provided a lot of perspective for us; you don’t get to assume you’ll live forever. You may not have a chance to do whatever you want after your kids grow up. Deferring your own dreams is a risk. How do you want to spend your days NOW?

Some people see kids as a short-term, temporary challenge that converts into exponential joy down the line (or at the “holiday table” when the kids are grown). We don’t see it that way. Kids don’t really get “easier” they get different. The baby and toddler years are very difficult in a specific way. But the elementary years have their own challenges. Those are the years when learning and behavior challenges emerge, when kids become emotionally complex. And because of the way that timing unfolds…if you have three kids, you could be finding out that one of your older kids is going to need a lot of extra support after you’ve had or become pregnant with another kid. That’s…a lot to juggle. Is that the type of challenge you think you’d enjoy? Or find purpose in? Really interrogate yourself on that, because you’re allowed to make a choice that will give you a chance to pursue things that bring you joy.

The fact is, most people do not like the actual work of parenting. They love their kids, but when it comes down to it, they don’t like the actual work—the cleaning, the patience, the discomfort, the sacrifice, the worrying— parenting in each phase requires. If you’re one of the few who finds true joy and purpose in wiping butts, waiting out tantrums, packing lunches, dealing with moods, etc. then maybe some extra years in the trenches of each stage is worth it for you. I think there really are some people for whom these tasks do not feel menial or like a burden. You need to figure out if that’s you. Don’t try to predict what you’ll feel in the future. And assure yourself that you’re making the best decision you can based on the information you have.

Lastly, for what it’s worth: I think it really means something to a child when their parent(s) seem to enjoy raising them. In that way, focusing on your own enjoyment NOW is not selfish, but a boon to the family and the child(ren). For all you know, having too many kids than you can enjoy will create the kind of toxicity and resentment that blows up that “holiday table” vision altogether.

This whole post is great but the bolded especially. Kids watch you parent. What I saw my mom doing - being a martyr for her kids, pushing a vision of family togetherness that wasn't actually fun - made me not want kids. It's part of why I have an only (and why I dont embrace holiday "traditions" or go home for holidays). I firmly believe the "have another for the kids" philosophy backfires.

[Anonymous]

I’m grateful for the two I have but would have loved to have at least one more. I’m not sure “regret” is always the right word, because it’s not always your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a bit unfair to have only one. It seems like the reasons have no regard for what the child will go through. I have never met an older only child who is happy with being an only. Kids need siblings.

I loved growing up as an only!

Same! Kids need happy, stable homes, not a specific family structure. I bet PP wouldn't say the above about single parents, families with special needs kids, or an ill parent. Families come in all shapes and sizes and you cannot guarantee a happy or unhappy childhood by doing things the "right" way.

Tell that to all of the posters criticizing families of three or more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a bit unfair to have only one. It seems like the reasons have no regard for what the child will go through. I have never met an older only child who is happy with being an only. Kids need siblings.

I loved growing up as an only!

Being the only child of two loving, smart, successful parents was like winning the lottery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a bit unfair to have only one. It seems like the reasons have no regard for what the child will go through. I have never met an older only child who is happy with being an only. Kids need siblings.

I loved growing up as an only!

Same! Kids need happy, stable homes, not a specific family structure. I bet PP wouldn't say the above about single parents, families with special needs kids, or an ill parent. Families come in all shapes and sizes and you cannot guarantee a happy or unhappy childhood by doing things the "right" way.

Tell that to all of the posters criticizing families of three or more kids.

Oh, glad you're back. We missed your helpful input on this thread about 1-2 kid families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read subject line.

You first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a bit unfair to have only one. It seems like the reasons have no regard for what the child will go through. I have never met an older only child who is happy with being an only. Kids need siblings.

Ridiculous to talk about it as a matter of fairness. I was very happy as an only. My spouse has a difficult sibling that caused a lot of upset growing up. Our only has special needs that we're better able to manage since there's only one (how "fair" is it to another theoretical child who doesn't get enough attention and resources from parents because of their special needs sibling)?