Is there any way to convince a young man to step it up because he will never do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid 20s DS is going to lose his long-term girlfriend. He does not fully appreciate what a catch she is. I would never say this to him but since we're on an anonymous forum: He will never do better. Not a nice thing to say but it's true. She's thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook. I suppose disclosing all of this to an impartial audience will likely sway most of you to the girlfriend's side; as in, she ought to leave my immature son because she can do so much better! Totally understandable. But this is my son, so of course I'm biased and would like him to fully appreciate what he has with her until it is too late. Is there anything anyone can say to a young man his age or is this one of those things where he won't realize it until he's lost her and she's quickly swooped off her feet up by someone else?

He is not cheating on her, just flaky and failing to grow up. I know he loves her but he remains in that immature self-centered young man phase instead of planning milestones with her. She has confided to me that she is reaching a breaking point. I know he will regret losing her for the rest of his life but I don't know how to get through to him.

My DH was like your son. I was about to leave for three months for a temporary work assignment, and I told him that if he couldn’t figure it out by the time I got back, I would be moving out. We had been dating for six years at that point, and living together for 5. He proposed before I left.

I don’t know how much you should get involved, op. If she wants him to commit, she should talk to him herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forget about what other posters wrote regarding "boundaries", "no contact" etc. This must be a weird American concept. In all European cultures that I know, there would be an assorted group of concerned relatives talking to your son about this.

It is the family's responsibility to point out negatives in order to help the adult child. Who else do it if not you?

NP. I am shocked as I read the responses insulting OP. This is a crazy thread. American culture is crazy. No wonder you guys can’t get along with your MILs. You don’t want anyone to talk about ANYTHING ever.

[Anonymous]

How did you guys get engaged?

My fiancé told my mommy to give me an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Oh, my. OP, men have a lot longer runway on marriage than women do. Yes, even in 2023. Your son can marry at 38, or 42, and marry a woman in her 20s. In fact, many men in their 20s are being urged to wait until their late 30s to settle down with a woman at least ten years younger. He can bide his time as long as he wants. Women don't enjoy the same timeline and feel pressure to seal the deal years before men do.

^^^ This....

I am a 37 years old male and I am currently married to a 25 years old wife and life is great for me. I met my wife when I was 35 and she was 23 and we got married three months after the first date. I spent twelve years between the age 23 and 35 to become the best version of myself chasing excellence, and that was all I did. I spent a lot of time in the gym, learned new hobbies (flying drone, music, golf, martial arts), climbed up the corporate ladder so that I could be more attractive to the opposite sex. I always knew that I would eventually find the right person for me and that person would be much younger than I. If OP's son is not doing anything to "enhance" his "dating" value, that's another story.

Creepy

What's the creepy part? Two heterosexual adults falling in love, having sex, and getting married?

Figures.

The age difference is creepy. If one of my daughters came home at that age with a guy in his mid-30s I’d be creeped out.

And I find it creepy that you're obsessed with your adult daughters' sex lives to such a remarkable degree. Why are you such a misogynist?

Has nothing to do with their gender and nothing to do with sex. I’d think the same thing if my 37 y/o of either gender brought home someone who’s barely and adult. It’s gross and creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget about what other posters wrote regarding "boundaries", "no contact" etc. This must be a weird American concept. In all European cultures that I know, there would be an assorted group of concerned relatives talking to your son about this.

It is the family's responsibility to point out negatives in order to help the adult child. Who else do it if not you?

NP. I am shocked as I read the responses insulting OP. This is a crazy thread. American culture is crazy. No wonder you guys can’t get along with your MILs. You don’t want anyone to talk about ANYTHING ever.

I don’t think it’s American culture, I suspect many of the responses are from the point of view of women, divorced women who married the wrong man, and mothers and fathers who rightfully want their own ambitious daughter to be with a mature man who fully appreciates their daughter — which is all perfectly understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you or his GF should pressure him into marriage if he is not ready. It's ok. She might be amazing, but if he is not ready for marriage it doesn't matter

NP here. The advice "wait until you're ready" is a truism that may make sense for most things in life. But once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, you have to make yourself ready. If you don't, that window might pass and you will regret it your entire life. I think that's what OP is getting at. OP's DS may not be ready, but he will regret it for the rest of his life (assuming OP is Nostradamus)

My father dated my mother for nine years after meeting her in college, but couldn't commit. Apparently my grandfather gave my father a talking to where he told him he just needed to get on with it. For what it's worth, my parents have a terrible marriage and act like they hate each other. He's really mean to her. I have actually wondered at times if the reason my dad struggled to commit to my mom is because he doesn't actually like women. He has a lot of gay male friends, so it's something to consider. I think the OP needs to back off because pressuring someone into marriage is never a good thing to do, and at least in my experience doesn't turn out well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The age difference is creepy. If one of my daughters came home at that age with a guy in his mid-30s I’d be creeped out.

And I find it creepy that you're obsessed with your adult daughters' sex lives to such a remarkable degree. Why are you such a misogynist?

Has nothing to do with their gender and nothing to do with sex. I’d think the same thing if my 37 y/o of either gender brought home someone who’s barely and adult. It’s gross and creepy.

So a 35 years old man dating a 23 years old female ensign Naval officer who graduated from the Naval Academy is creepy? Are you serious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The age difference is creepy. If one of my daughters came home at that age with a guy in his mid-30s I’d be creeped out.

And I find it creepy that you're obsessed with your adult daughters' sex lives to such a remarkable degree. Why are you such a misogynist?

Has nothing to do with their gender and nothing to do with sex. I’d think the same thing if my 37 y/o of either gender brought home someone who’s barely and adult. It’s gross and creepy.

So a 35 years old man dating a 23 years old female ensign Naval officer who graduated from the Naval Academy is creepy? Are you serious?

Why are you so worked up by someone else’s opinion? Aren’t you comfortable enough in your own skin not to worry about what others think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, 20 yo is way too young for either of them to be married, regardless of how good a catch either one of them is.

-NP

Mid 20's, not 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your son has a great job in tech and the ability to hold down a relationship for 5 years, I don't agree that he'll never do better just because he's not getting married at 25. You haven't said what makes him such a flake other than he hasn't . . . moved to a new city factoring in his girlfriend? Like, what are you even asking him to do here? Leaving aside the weird "I always knew I'd snag a young hottie if I got rich enough" angle this thread is taking - 25 is on the young side for men or women to get married.

I cannot think of a single relationship that could be improved by a mom insisting the couple get married before one (or both) of them are ready.

It's nice that you like this girl, truly. Don't wreck your relationship with your son troubleshooting his relationship with his girlfriend, which seems to be doing just fine without your input.

They have been together FIVE YEARS. Even if they were dating in college, he should be talking engagement (even with a far off wedding date) or maybe buying a house together and planning a future life together.

I disagree. Too young, for both of them. I actively discourage my kids from getting married before they are like 28+.

See, don’t you see the irony in what you just said? You are all over the OP for getting too involved in her adult son’s life, but it’s ok for you to tell your own adult kids at what age they should marry. What’s the difference?

+1

[Anonymous]

My DD had a boyfriend her last year or so of college. They broke him shortly after graduation. His Mom told him he'd never find a better gal than my daughter.
He heeded Mom's advice and rewooed her. They've been married ~7 years, 2 kids.
I'm sure she only told him once, but that was enough.

[Anonymous]

He is a grown up. Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Be bluntbwith him and make him read His Needs/Her Needs. Its a bit dated but its pretty blunt on how to be a good partner.

[Anonymous]

Another chart topping song from a guy pushing 40 struggling to get over an old catch who dumped him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD had a boyfriend her last year or so of college. They broke him shortly after graduation. His Mom told him he'd never find a better gal than my daughter.
He heeded Mom's advice and rewooed her. They've been married ~7 years, 2 kids.
I'm sure she only told him once, but that was enough.

How did you learn this?