Is there any way to convince a young man to step it up because he will never do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. You have to talk to him openly about this. What you wrote here, tell him. This is too important to just play polite and let it go unsaid until it is too late.

He needs to step it up big-time, because even if they do get married, she might be fed up with him at some point. But if this is his best chance, it is still time to improve himself.

Good luck!

Thank you for the thoughtful response. Good to know at least one other parent here understands this is one of those once in a lifetime opportunities for one of your children. I just don't know what to say to get through to him. Maybe there aren't words and this is just something immature boys blow and have to take their lumps. I'm dreading that phone call or holiday visit in a couple years when he breaks down crying because he heard she is getting married and he hasn't been able to find anyone close to what he had with her. I know that will happen.

Them's the breaks!

You can't shield anyone from heartache. If he wanted to marry her, he would. His life is hardly over if she dumps him. You can stay in touch with her if you must.

[Anonymous]

I know he will regret losing her for the rest of his life

OP, you don't know this. A Better Match ... may happen to be: someone who doesn't cook as well, who's not from a family you can as easily relate to, who's not as career ambitious. Maybe they won't happen to possess *as much* the traits you see and admire. BUT, in terms of communicating, getting along day-to-day, being with each other without stress-- another person may be a better match. A better match for him, obviously. Maybe they will be a better match for parenting. You do not know. And, it could be, that A Better Match could primarily happen because he will be older..

It is always sad though, when people we have grown to love or just be very fond of, leave our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The age difference is creepy. If one of my daughters came home at that age with a guy in his mid-30s I’d be creeped out.

And I find it creepy that you're obsessed with your adult daughters' sex lives to such a remarkable degree. Why are you such a misogynist?

Has nothing to do with their gender and nothing to do with sex. I’d think the same thing if my 37 y/o of either gender brought home someone who’s barely and adult. It’s gross and creepy.

So a 35 years old man dating a 23 years old female ensign Naval officer who graduated from the Naval Academy is creepy? Are you serious?

Very

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The age difference is creepy. If one of my daughters came home at that age with a guy in his mid-30s I’d be creeped out.

And I find it creepy that you're obsessed with your adult daughters' sex lives to such a remarkable degree. Why are you such a misogynist?

Has nothing to do with their gender and nothing to do with sex. I’d think the same thing if my 37 y/o of either gender brought home someone who’s barely and adult. It’s gross and creepy.

So a 35 years old man dating a 23 years old female ensign Naval officer who graduated from the Naval Academy is creepy? Are you serious?

Very

She wasn't even born yet when 9/11 happened. What do you have in common besides an intrerest in fitness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I know he will regret losing her for the rest of his life

OP, you don't know this. A Better Match ... may happen to be: someone who doesn't cook as well, who's not from a family you can as easily relate to, who's not as career ambitious. Maybe they won't happen to possess *as much* the traits you see and admire. BUT, in terms of communicating, getting along day-to-day, being with each other without stress-- another person may be a better match. A better match for him, obviously. Maybe they will be a better match for parenting. You do not know. And, it could be, that A Better Match could primarily happen because he will be older..

It is always sad though, when people we have grown to love or just be very fond of, leave our lives.

This is true. I am a widow and have dated some wildy successful, intelligent, wealthy, attractive men, but am currently dating someone who is less successful on paper, but his personality and temperament are much more enjoyable than the other men. You just never know what might make someone feel good and happy.

I also agree with the PP who said that OP is insulting her son--like he is a loser who will never date again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I know he will regret losing her for the rest of his life

OP, you don't know this. A Better Match ... may happen to be: someone who doesn't cook as well, who's not from a family you can as easily relate to, who's not as career ambitious. Maybe they won't happen to possess *as much* the traits you see and admire. BUT, in terms of communicating, getting along day-to-day, being with each other without stress-- another person may be a better match. A better match for him, obviously. Maybe they will be a better match for parenting. You do not know. And, it could be, that A Better Match could primarily happen because he will be older..

It is always sad though, when people we have grown to love or just be very fond of, leave our lives.

This is true. I am a widow and have dated some wildy successful, intelligent, wealthy, attractive men, but am currently dating someone who is less successful on paper, but his personality and temperament are much more enjoyable than the other men. You just never know what might make someone feel good and happy.

I also agree with the PP who said that OP is insulting her son--like he is a loser who will never date again.

Highlighting that the young lady is in fact a rarified (once in a lifetime) catch is not the same calling him a loser. Lightning strikes only once, maybe twice, as Stevie Nicks sang.

[Anonymous]

I can’t read thru 9 pages, but I have a question. Is your son living at home? Why are you texting and talking to the girlfriend? Mothers should NOT get too invested in who their kids are dating. I didn’t know my son’s fiancé’s phone number until they were engaged. ( They were 30 years old BTW). I am sorry mom, you are way too invested in this couple. More important, no guy should get married until THEY ARE READY. Your son, is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I know he will regret losing her for the rest of his life

OP, you don't know this. A Better Match ... may happen to be: someone who doesn't cook as well, who's not from a family you can as easily relate to, who's not as career ambitious. Maybe they won't happen to possess *as much* the traits you see and admire. BUT, in terms of communicating, getting along day-to-day, being with each other without stress-- another person may be a better match. A better match for him, obviously. Maybe they will be a better match for parenting. You do not know. And, it could be, that A Better Match could primarily happen because he will be older..

It is always sad though, when people we have grown to love or just be very fond of, leave our lives.

This is true. I am a widow and have dated some wildy successful, intelligent, wealthy, attractive men, but am currently dating someone who is less successful on paper, but his personality and temperament are much more enjoyable than the other men. You just never know what might make someone feel good and happy.

I also agree with the PP who said that OP is insulting her son--like he is a loser who will never date again.

How did you meet your current partner? How did he get to the point of showing you the quality of his personality and temperament vis-a-vis the other men who were more alluring on paper? Did he hesitate at all to approach you, thinking that you wouldn't be interested in him with so many other choices readily available to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t read thru 9 pages, but I have a question. Is your son living at home? Why are you texting and talking to the girlfriend? Mothers should NOT get too invested in who their kids are dating. I didn’t know my son’s fiancé’s phone number until they were engaged. ( They were 30 years old BTW). I am sorry mom, you are way too invested in this couple. More important, no guy should get married until THEY ARE READY. Your son, is not.

Dude it’s another DCUM Relationship fake troll posting. That’s why it’s so overly zany and long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t read thru 9 pages, but I have a question. Is your son living at home? Why are you texting and talking to the girlfriend? Mothers should NOT get too invested in who their kids are dating. I didn’t know my son’s fiancé’s phone number until they were engaged. ( They were 30 years old BTW). I am sorry mom, you are way too invested in this couple. More important, no guy should get married until THEY ARE READY. Your son, is not.

They've been dating since college so possibly got closer as she was young, unlike women who meet their in-laws later in age and relationship is more formal.

[Anonymous]

Let's not underestimate that finding a "thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook" young woman whom you've known and loved for many years and who isn't a gold digger AND who gets along well with your mother IS INDEED A RARE opportunity.

I don't see what's wrong with OP discussing it with her son. No need to push him but making him realize what he is passing on, sounds absolutely fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid 20s DS is going to lose his long-term girlfriend. He does not fully appreciate what a catch she is. I would never say this to him but since we're on an anonymous forum: He will never do better. Not a nice thing to say but it's true. She's thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook. I suppose disclosing all of this to an impartial audience will likely sway most of you to the girlfriend's side; as in, she ought to leave my immature son because she can do so much better! Totally understandable. But this is my son, so of course I'm biased and would like him to fully appreciate what he has with her until it is too late. Is there anything anyone can say to a young man his age or is this one of those things where he won't realize it until he's lost her and she's quickly swooped off her feet up by someone else?

He is not cheating on her, just flaky and failing to grow up. I know he loves her but he remains in that immature self-centered young man phase instead of planning milestones with her. She has confided to me that she is reaching a breaking point. I know he will regret losing her for the rest of his life but I don't know how to get through to him.

Oh OP, you don’t know that he’ll regret losing her for the rest of his life. Maybe there’s a flaky woman who doesn’t know how to cook, but has a great sense of humor and likes to travel to the same places he does - and SHE will be the love of his life. I don’t know — but I don’t think you know either. Let him figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's not underestimate that finding a "thoughtful, highly educated, ambitious, great career, adorable, lovely family, and even an excellent cook" young woman whom you've known and loved for many years and who isn't a gold digger AND who gets along well with your mother IS INDEED A RARE opportunity.

I don't see what's wrong with OP discussing it with her son. No need to push him but making him realize what he is passing on, sounds absolutely fine.

Exactly. Too many miserable folks on here who get off on being antagonists.

[Anonymous]

If you've seen men or women getting trapped by people of questionable background, family, finances and character ethics, you would get anxious about a young person not valuing what they found by pure luck.

Yes, they can find someone similar or even better again but odds are against them. Older you get, slimmer your pickings are. Every relationship forum is full of sour relationships and divorce stories.

I would absolutely not pressurize him but offering age old wisdom? For sure.

[Anonymous]

Dating as an adult is awful, OLD has made it a minefield. If he wants to get married and have a family, meeting in college is the best potential. Squandering this relationship with indecision will be regretful.