2023: where will you move when your kids leave home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're hoping to move to southern Maine. Portland suburbs maybe.

Just a heads up, it will take a LONG time for people there to accept you.

You may find a community of "ex-pats" to socialize with me. But Maine people are stubborn and very skeptical of outsiders

We moved to Maine a few years ago and it took a SHORT time to acclimate. There are a lot of people from away (as Mainers put it) between Kittery and Bath, especially.

Maine is a very popular state to retire to.

You couldn't pay me enough to go back.

South of Portland is really just an extension of Mass.

What is the appeal of RI and CT (at least on this board) compared to MA?

-signed, not very familiar with New England

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand concept of downsizing quickly.

If I thought I liked a place maybe I buy a condo or rent and try it out.

Or even just a VRBO for a month first.

Also until my kids actually get married and buy a house how do you even pick a place.

Today people have kids so much later. My youngest graduates college when I am 67. My cousin is 66 with a kid in HS. My Good college friend is 60 with kids 4, 8 and 12. He is 77 when his last graduates college.

Al Pacino just had a kid at 82 he is 103 his kid graduated college and Robert Deniro just had a kid at 78 is 99 when his kid graduates college.

I don’t see how downsizing is practical with people working till 70-80. Is Joe Biden supposed to downsize. Maybe Dick Van Dyke when he retires can down size.

Downsizing was my uncles and grand uncles who were cops and fireman. Got married at 21, became a cop or fireman at 21. Done with kids by 30 and did their 30 years on force by 51 with kids out of house. Those days are over

What does the age you become an empty nester have to do with downsizing? Once kids are out of the house, you don't need to maintain/clean/heat/cool all that space for them to come visit from time to time.

I think most people (even in this area) are around 50 when their kids leave for college. Plenty of time to downsize if they want.

Come on, around here it’s more like 60

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're stuck in LA in our family home unless we want to take a big hit on taxes.

Doesn’t a big hit meant you have made quite a bit of money on it?

LA County has made the fabulous decision to tax rich people’s home sales, I think that what pp is referring to but I could be wrong

“The ULA Tax rates of, 1) 4% for properties conveyed over $5,000,000, but under $10,000,000, and 2) 5.5% for properties conveyed at $10,000,000 or more (“ULA Rates”).“

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont get people who want to move away from friends and community they spent 18+ years building unless its totally unaffordable. When my kids are grown ill get to garden more, spend more time with the friends i made and enjoy my neighborhood more.

I’ll explain it for you. For many of us DC is a company town and our relationships are mainly due to proximity. We are only spending time with these people because we have a job here and families we met through our kids. Once we no longer have a job or kids at home we won’t have a reason to spend any time with these people. They are perfectly nice but not a reason to stay here. Unfortunately you may have not figured out that a lot of people here are only friends with you during this stage of life because it’s convenient.

Also DC doesn’t really have any natural beauty and there are other parts of the country with better access to beaches, skiing, hiking etc. It sounds like you like to garden, but that is only one activity. The average retiree isn’t interested in visiting museums over and over again and DC isn’t known for its restaurants or shopping. It’s also expensive because of the job market and if you’re not longer working then why live here?

Plenty of retiree - especially dual income couples - have large retirement accounts and plenty of equity in their home if not a fully paid off home. If you had millions of dollars of practically guaranteed income, no mortgage and no kids here, would you really choose to live in Washington, dc? For most people that’s a hard NO.

SMH at “no natural beauty.” What about rock creek park and the Potomac and Anacostia? We hike, kayak, and bike. It’s very close to great hiking. People are delusional. I lived in CA and it was hours away to ski. An hour to the beach. Some driving is usually required.

People are usually astonished to find we live in the city and next to a series ooh hiking trails that are walkable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand concept of downsizing quickly.

If I thought I liked a place maybe I buy a condo or rent and try it out.

Or even just a VRBO for a month first.

Also until my kids actually get married and buy a house how do you even pick a place.

Today people have kids so much later. My youngest graduates college when I am 67. My cousin is 66 with a kid in HS. My Good college friend is 60 with kids 4, 8 and 12. He is 77 when his last graduates college.

Al Pacino just had a kid at 82 he is 103 his kid graduated college and Robert Deniro just had a kid at 78 is 99 when his kid graduates college.

I don’t see how downsizing is practical with people working till 70-80. Is Joe Biden supposed to downsize. Maybe Dick Van Dyke when he retires can down size.

Downsizing was my uncles and grand uncles who were cops and fireman. Got married at 21, became a cop or fireman at 21. Done with kids by 30 and did their 30 years on force by 51 with kids out of house. Those days are over

What does the age you become an empty nester have to do with downsizing? Once kids are out of the house, you don't need to maintain/clean/heat/cool all that space for them to come visit from time to time.

I think most people (even in this area) are around 50 when their kids leave for college. Plenty of time to downsize if they want.

Come on, around here it’s more like 60

Even more. Plus unless you got married young and did some weird FIRE thing you won’t be 50. If I got married younger instead of 3 I would have 4.
My own mom became an empty Nestor 67. Youngest stayed home till she married at 27. She had four kids and the last one was cause the first three were getting old. So she got married young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont get people who want to move away from friends and community they spent 18+ years building unless its totally unaffordable. When my kids are grown ill get to garden more, spend more time with the friends i made and enjoy my neighborhood more.

I’ll explain it for you. For many of us DC is a company town and our relationships are mainly due to proximity. We are only spending time with these people because we have a job here and families we met through our kids. Once we no longer have a job or kids at home we won’t have a reason to spend any time with these people. They are perfectly nice but not a reason to stay here. Unfortunately you may have not figured out that a lot of people here are only friends with you during this stage of life because it’s convenient.

Also DC doesn’t really have any natural beauty and there are other parts of the country with better access to beaches, skiing, hiking etc. It sounds like you like to garden, but that is only one activity. The average retiree isn’t interested in visiting museums over and over again and DC isn’t known for its restaurants or shopping. It’s also expensive because of the job market and if you’re not longer working then why live here?

Plenty of retiree - especially dual income couples - have large retirement accounts and plenty of equity in their home if not a fully paid off home. If you had millions of dollars of practically guaranteed income, no mortgage and no kids here, would you really choose to live in Washington, dc? For most people that’s a hard NO.

SMH at “no natural beauty.” What about rock creek park and the Potomac and Anacostia? We hike, kayak, and bike. It’s very close to great hiking. People are delusional. I lived in CA and it was hours away to ski. An hour to the beach. Some driving is usually required.

People are usually astonished to find we live in the city and next to a series ooh hiking trails that are walkable.

Yes but these places aren’t unique to dc and similar parks and recreation can be found almost anywhere on the eastern sea board. I doubt many people would chose to stay in DC ask they can hike in rock creek park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont get people who want to move away from friends and community they spent 18+ years building unless its totally unaffordable. When my kids are grown ill get to garden more, spend more time with the friends i made and enjoy my neighborhood more.

I’ll explain it for you. For many of us DC is a company town and our relationships are mainly due to proximity. We are only spending time with these people because we have a job here and families we met through our kids. Once we no longer have a job or kids at home we won’t have a reason to spend any time with these people. They are perfectly nice but not a reason to stay here. Unfortunately you may have not figured out that a lot of people here are only friends with you during this stage of life because it’s convenient.

Also DC doesn’t really have any natural beauty and there are other parts of the country with better access to beaches, skiing, hiking etc. It sounds like you like to garden, but that is only one activity. The average retiree isn’t interested in visiting museums over and over again and DC isn’t known for its restaurants or shopping. It’s also expensive because of the job market and if you’re not longer working then why live here?

Plenty of retiree - especially dual income couples - have large retirement accounts and plenty of equity in their home if not a fully paid off home. If you had millions of dollars of practically guaranteed income, no mortgage and no kids here, would you really choose to live in Washington, dc? For most people that’s a hard NO.

SMH at “no natural beauty.” What about rock creek park and the Potomac and Anacostia? We hike, kayak, and bike. It’s very close to great hiking. People are delusional. I lived in CA and it was hours away to ski. An hour to the beach. Some driving is usually required.

People are usually astonished to find we live in the city and next to a series ooh hiking trails that are walkable.

But do you feel safe? I previously lived in the city and enjoyed local trails. Now I no longer feel safe and even with my DH it seems risky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your relationship with your kids is important to you, and/or you’d like to see them at least semi-regularly now and in the future, move somewhere easy to travel to and make sure they have a comfortable place to stay when they visit. Most likely your kids won’t have a real home base after you move for years—try to make one in your new spot for them as much as possible.

I don’t think people always realize it, but the years after high school and into early 20s are pretty critical to start forming new traditions and expectations around time together that’ll stick with their kids even after they marry and have children of their own. We know two couples well that moved immediately after their kids were all out of the house and didn’t prioritize helping them afford to travel for Thanksgivings, etc. or setting a pattern of regular visits. Now they are often angry and wonder why they don’t see their grandkids often and why their kids don’t spend many holidays with them. It’s painful to hear about.

Not saying you shouldn’t move—or that adult children shouldn’t be expected to put in effort too!—just sharing something we’ve definitely noticed and kept in mind.

+1

My parents moved away right after I graduated HS and moved 2 more times since then. They’ve downsized and then upsized somewhere more rural thinking we’d need room to visit more often now that we have kids. Except they’re a plane ride away and we have to rent a car to get out to where they are. It’s just not that easy to visit them and there isn’t much to do where they are except chain restaurants and a few parks. We try to go down once every 12-18 months, but it’s a lot of money and time off work, and it’s not home where I grew up. It’s also not somewhere we’d choose to spend vacation time if my parents weren’t there. My DH’s family all stayed within an hour or two of each other (including aunts, uncles, cousins) so we see them much more often including for day meetups.

I’ve told DH we aren’t downsizing as soon as the kids go off to college because I want to be home base for them like I didn’t have. And we’re not going somewhere hard to get to. He agrees with me. Honestly we’ll probably stay in our close-in, walkable SFH and take over the main level bedroom as we age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont get people who want to move away from friends and community they spent 18+ years building unless its totally unaffordable. When my kids are grown ill get to garden more, spend more time with the friends i made and enjoy my neighborhood more.

People are mostly the same everywhere. It's very easy to meet new people who fit a given type. I've never had a problem. Family? It's easy to jump on a plane a couple times a year.

Let's be honest. Most people are played out after a few years. It's best to move on and find new.

I have 3 kids. Even if we get “cheap” airfare of about $250 round trip (which is impossible during the holidays) it is about $1300 for us to all fly somewhere. Even with a decent HHI that is a lot for us to go see family “a couple times a year” especially if we want to do a flying vacation elsewhere so we need to save our $ and PTO.

And it’s easy to say you’ll be the ones traveling as grandparents because you’re retired and have the time/money. Which works fine until your mid/late 70s. I’ve seen the health issues crop up with my own parents and plane travel takes it out of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4 years for us! Requirements (we haven't yet figured it out, but am watching this thread for ideas):
Blue state
Good medical care
Within 50 minutes of an International Airport
College town a plus, but not tiny college and not big state U
Would like to be on a natural lake, but not a deal breaker
4 seasons, ok if winters are miserable, we will head to Costa Rica or Puerto Rico for 2 months
Ok if summers are humid and miserable, we will head to Maine or Oregon for 2 months

thats it? more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont get people who want to move away from friends and community they spent 18+ years building unless its totally unaffordable. When my kids are grown ill get to garden more, spend more time with the friends i made and enjoy my neighborhood more.

I’ll explain it for you. For many of us DC is a company town and our relationships are mainly due to proximity. We are only spending time with these people because we have a job here and families we met through our kids. Once we no longer have a job or kids at home we won’t have a reason to spend any time with these people. They are perfectly nice but not a reason to stay here. Unfortunately you may have not figured out that a lot of people here are only friends with you during this stage of life because it’s convenient.

Also DC doesn’t really have any natural beauty and there are other parts of the country with better access to beaches, skiing, hiking etc. It sounds like you like to garden, but that is only one activity. The average retiree isn’t interested in visiting museums over and over again and DC isn’t known for its restaurants or shopping. It’s also expensive because of the job market and if you’re not longer working then why live here?

Plenty of retiree - especially dual income couples - have large retirement accounts and plenty of equity in their home if not a fully paid off home. If you had millions of dollars of practically guaranteed income, no mortgage and no kids here, would you really choose to live in Washington, dc? For most people that’s a hard NO.

I treasure my friendships here, I do. That said, the lack of natural beauty, distance from the ocean and other (natural) bodies of water, summer heat and humidity, and traffic make it easier to leave than it otherwise might be.

The museums are wonderful but we can visit a few times a year and get our fill of those without having to live with the rest of it. (Also, there are museums in lots of places.)

You do realize that DC is surrounded by two natural rivers? I live in a waterfront neighborhood in Fairfax County and spend every weekend boating on the river. Head south, it’s nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're stuck in LA in our family home unless we want to take a big hit on taxes.

Doesn’t a big hit meant you have made quite a bit of money on it?

LA County has made the fabulous decision to tax rich people’s home sales, I think that what pp is referring to but I could be wrong

“The ULA Tax rates of, 1) 4% for properties conveyed over $5,000,000, but under $10,000,000, and 2) 5.5% for properties conveyed at $10,000,000 or more (“ULA Rates”).“

The vast majority don’t have a home worth that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the great insights. A couple of people mentioned things I had never thought about, and two really stand out: recommending being in a major city so our kids want to come back to visit and it's easy for them, and also not leaving so soon after they finish HS because they likely want to come back and use the house as home base for a while. I do appreciate this list, even when it so often changes topics, this is a great resource that I hope we all keep putting effort into keeping helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the great insights. A couple of people mentioned things I had never thought about, and two really stand out: recommending being in a major city so our kids want to come back to visit and it's easy for them, and also not leaving so soon after they finish HS because they likely want to come back and use the house as home base for a while. I do appreciate this list, even when it so often changes topics, this is a great resource that I hope we all keep putting effort into keeping helpful!

Hamptons or some of the nice towns on Long Island like Oyster Bay would be nice to retire to. Cold, but not bone chilling cold like the upper NE or Midwest. Cooler than DC in the summer. Can drive to nearby cultural amenities, shops, and restaurants and take day trips to the greatest city in the world when you get bored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont get people who want to move away from friends and community they spent 18+ years building unless its totally unaffordable. When my kids are grown ill get to garden more, spend more time with the friends i made and enjoy my neighborhood more.

We never found our community here and we hate the weather. Why stay.

Exactly. We are here for the single reason of the US government location. Once we can afford to leave that behind, we’ll never look back.