My husband is the least fun man ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you to decide what "fun" or "summer" is supposed to be?

Going to a communal bathtub and hanging out talking to people I don't know very well in swamp weather, is my idea of hell.

Give me a gorgeous hike (even with others) on a cool Fall day. and I'm in heaven.

What's your DH's idea of fun? Do you do things that he enjoys

Yes, our vacations, our winter sports/family outings, our geographic location, our neighborhood and even my career have been dictated by what he “needs” to be happy. Over the years we have reached a point where more and more things are controlled by his preferences- probably because I can’t handle him “punishing” me by being aloof or grumpy when he has to be flexible or accommodate my preferences.

Also my idea of fun is pretty bland and easy and what many people and our kids’ friends’ families enjoy. His idea of fun is very antisocial, expensive and specific and making the 4th revolve around it is unfair to our kids.

Stop talking about yourself the question was what does he want

Typical male bs. Everything already revolves around what he wants. Despite this being 2023, most women I know are stuck in this same cycle with their husbands/significant others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like your husband. You sound like an insufferable a$$.

I have a neighbor with a husband like this. He is a lump. He never speaks, seems bored, and just doesn't try and has questionable morals. I'm glad for their kids that they stayed married, but I don't understand why she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. My DH doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything, ever. If he does come along, he will not talk to other people but follow me like a puppy. Sometimes if he joins in a conversation, he is outright rude to people. He hates everyone and complains about the few people he knows. I cannot remember the last time I had fun when he was around.

Is he depressed?

[Anonymous]

I asked the OP some very specific questions that would reveal the nature of the situation, but she hasn’t replied. I guess she has abandoned the thread.

~Annie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the 4th of July, yay! We went to the pool. It was packed and festive and we saw tons of families we knew. I had fun walking around and catching up with people I don’t know very well and seeing a few of my friends.

My husband just sat there the entire time. Eventually he pulled out a book. He couldn’t be bothered to make small talk or get up to say hi to anyone. He couldn’t be bothered to join in with the dads jumping off the boards or standing and chatting. He wouldn’t even chit chat with me when I came back and sat down.

This is the last straw for me. Summer is supposed to be fun but I feel like I’m dragging around a crabby aloof dead weight and the 4th shined a light on everything that depresses me about my husband.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 10, and have elementary aged kids. My husband used to be sort of fun but then once we were married he totally stopped and became a crabby jerk. I sometimes feel like he played along when we were younger just to fit in and once he got the trappings of adulthood, he quit. I feel tricked. No one else’s husband acts like this. What have I done wrong to choose so badly?

He’s always like this since marriage and having kids? A hermit, doesn’t talk to family or anyone?

Has he made any friends or have anyone tot all with?
You have to keep conversating in some way shape or form or you lose the skill.

Books are better than iphone screens tho…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he did “wrong” was go to the pool.

You should have gone without him.

You should take vacations and do things with the kids without him. You clearly don’t have the same ideas of fun and family, so make time for each of you do so what you want. Without each other.

Or, set yourselves both free.

He doesn’t value people or talking or sharing.

Take people who do and FYI you are in charge of teaching your children social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he did “wrong” was go to the pool.

You should have gone without him.

You should take vacations and do things with the kids without him. You clearly don’t have the same ideas of fun and family, so make time for each of you do so what you want. Without each other.

Or, set yourselves both free.

What he did “wrong” was enjoy himself how he wanted instead of how she wanted him to enjoy himself. He was perfectly happy reading his book. He didn’t want to pretend to give a sh*t about a bunch of strangers - introverts find that boring and exhausting.

Or his kids or wife. He ignored and neglected them the whole day. Who knows is that’s how he always is, which would be disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he did “wrong” was go to the pool.

You should have gone without him.

You should take vacations and do things with the kids without him. You clearly don’t have the same ideas of fun and family, so make time for each of you do so what you want. Without each other.

Or, set yourselves both free.

What he did “wrong” was enjoy himself how he wanted instead of how she wanted him to enjoy himself. He was perfectly happy reading his book. He didn’t want to pretend to give a sh*t about a bunch of strangers - introverts find that boring and exhausting.

He shouldn't have had to go to the pool. He could have enjoyed his book at home.

And not insulted everyone by not engaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I can’t believe all of these responses pretending he was reading contentedly by the pool. He was pouting and punishing you by refusing to interact with you upon your return. He know that’s embarrassing for you- to have a petulant Buddha angrily parked on his throne who won’t exchange niceties with his wife let alone even acknowledge acquaintances. The sad part is that this far more common than you realize- I second the suggestion to just start doing your own thing with your kids and your friends. Start a little quiet rebellion in other areas that might not fall under his Papal approval. He isn’t going to change; divorce or pursue your own happiness within the marriage.

Damn, you nailed it with “petulant Buddha.” Thank you for articulating the situation, PP.

The other PPs who said I should have left him at home and he would have had a meal ready on my return or something? Just like theirs? No. That’s not our life and he isn’t carefully tending his introvert energy so he can spring into action to nurture his family when needed.

I would have come home and he would have been exactly where I left him, watching some iteration of a Bourne movie and acting baffled that there were kids present who required care and feeding.

Yikes, sounds like a bad, pervasive pattern. He’s not engaged or involved with the kids, his spouse or family life. It inside the house or outside the house.
I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I’ll comment more on the significance when the OP replies to me.

It doesn’t matter.

If he’s senior and high income it’s because he’s masking his ASD and work addiction is his hyperinterest. He comes home at 6 or 7 totally spent, needs to selfishly decompress and not talk to anyone after work or the weekends.

If he’s junior or bouncing around jobs due to being socially awkward ASD, then he still can’t connect with people is socially know what to do when. Maybe he could memorize some greetings, or conversational questions or be more fun tagging along. Less of an ego than the former profile.

But either way the spouse and kids are in their own. The father / husband is checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol, OP wishes her husband spent more time going off the diving boards? What a weird thing to want.

Sounds like he didn’t speak with his wife or kids or anyone the whole day. The former part is the damning part. He doesn’t care about them.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the replies, but my husband is like this. It turns out he has massive social anxiety. The irony is that when we were dating he was aggressively social and I loved that he was so outgoing. It turns out that he did that because he has a terror of being in situations where he does not know people or on is on unfamiliar terrain so in his 20s would take charge to engineer social outings on his terms. Once we were married,he mostly gave up on that — I think he figured he didn’t have to do it anymore and it had been stressful for him. I hate it but try to socialize without him to the extent possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it really the last straw?

Yes! If he can’t even play along on a holiday that doesn’t require much effort (no religious services, no elaborate meal expectations, no office obligations), then how can I count on him to show even a minimum of effort or enthusiasm for interacting with me as a human being on the harder, regular days?

Um ... because he's been showing up for 15 years?

Um, so? Welcome to parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes! If he can’t even play along on a holiday that doesn’t require much effort (no religious services, no elaborate meal expectations, no office obligations), then how can I count on him to show even a minimum of effort or enthusiasm for interacting with me as a human being on the harder, regular days?

You obviously have no idea how much effort it takes for an introvert to make small talk with strangers. We hate it. It's exhausting.

But interacting with you sounds exhausting too, tbh.

God, you whiny “OMG iM aN iNtRoVErT” people are so ridiculous. You really don’t need to go home and collapse dramatically on your fainting couch every time you make polite conversation with other adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t see the issue. I (the DW) am the introvert and DH is the extrovert. Why do you care, exactly, if DH doesn’t make the social rounds and prefers to read a book? I’d have done something similar in this situation (if I attended at all). My DH would socialize happily, and give me the rundown later over a glass of wine on the patio.

I am not “no fun” but don’t enjoy mingling with random people/acquaintances I have little in common with , and only do it when I have to, and for a short and perfunctory amount of time. I find small talk unbelievably boring and honestly don’t see the point. I do enjoy spending time with close friends, and socializing while doing a common activity (volunteer work, exercise class etc) or sometimes stuff for the kids (sports event or something)….but I don’t enjoy talking to ransoms just to talk and fill space.

I suspect it bothers you because you think it is hurting YOU socially? Honestly- this doesn’t seem to be an issue for my DH- and the “introverted wife” is probably less common and more of a social liability 🤣 He gets plenty of invites. Sometimes goes alone, sometimes with the kids, sometimes I join for a bit but often not. I don’t doubt that some wonder or find it strange that I am not present (where is his wife? hmm strange) but they don’t say so openly. It really hasn’t been an issue. Not sure what else to say. I wonder if your own social skills are lacking and you resent that DH can’t “help” by providing some cover?

I could have written this post (wife here); except I have had a couple say they have wondered about me .

So I am here to say one person, especially a woman, can carry the family socially. I suspect you are placing unfair blame on your DH for your lack of invites when you may be part of the issue.

Also haven’t there been a bunch of articles in the last couple years how men have no friends?

You don’t seem to like your DH generally though and that must be a terrible way for both of you to live.

Yup, another wife here in a similar situation and it wouldn't occur to me to shame my husband about it! that's who he is. I've always been more communicative and genuinely enjoy people and have lots of friendships in the neighborhoods and me and the kids are always hanging out with people. We have no social life problem! My husband isn't on any of the group chats. he often doesn't know what we are up to, if its something small, and if it's bigger (like a party), I'll give him the option of going or not going.

My husband has been known to come to a party with us, and then leave after an hour or so while my kids and I stay for 4. And if we want to hang at the pool, he will come late, swim laps, maybe chat with me, maaaaaayyyybbbbeeee chat with another dad if there is someone there who is interesting enough. I find it all delightful.