My husband is the least fun man ever

[Anonymous]

It’s the 4th of July, yay! We went to the pool. It was packed and festive and we saw tons of families we knew. I had fun walking around and catching up with people I don’t know very well and seeing a few of my friends.

My husband just sat there the entire time. Eventually he pulled out a book. He couldn’t be bothered to make small talk or get up to say hi to anyone. He couldn’t be bothered to join in with the dads jumping off the boards or standing and chatting. He wouldn’t even chit chat with me when I came back and sat down.

This is the last straw for me. Summer is supposed to be fun but I feel like I’m dragging around a crabby aloof dead weight and the 4th shined a light on everything that depresses me about my husband.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 10, and have elementary aged kids. My husband used to be sort of fun but then once we were married he totally stopped and became a crabby jerk. I sometimes feel like he played along when we were younger just to fit in and once he got the trappings of adulthood, he quit. I feel tricked. No one else’s husband acts like this. What have I done wrong to choose so badly?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you’re the problem. Have you thought about that?

Who cares about the Fourth anyway.

[Anonymous]

Is it really the last straw?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you’re the problem. Have you thought about that?

Who cares about the Fourth anyway.

It’s a day off for almost everyone and it’s in the middle of summer and there’s lots to do. That’s a good reason to care!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it really the last straw?

Yes! If he can’t even play along on a holiday that doesn’t require much effort (no religious services, no elaborate meal expectations, no office obligations), then how can I count on him to show even a minimum of effort or enthusiasm for interacting with me as a human being on the harder, regular days?

[Anonymous]

Who are you to decide what "fun" or "summer" is supposed to be?

Going to a communal bathtub and hanging out talking to people I don't know very well in swamp weather, is my idea of hell.

Give me a gorgeous hike (even with others) on a cool Fall day. and I'm in heaven.

What's your DH's idea of fun? Do you do things that he enjoys

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it really the last straw?

Yes! If he can’t even play along on a holiday that doesn’t require much effort (no religious services, no elaborate meal expectations, no office obligations), then how can I count on him to show even a minimum of effort or enthusiasm for interacting with me as a human being on the harder, regular days?

So then separate.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get it. Did he try to stop you from socializing? Was he actively rude to anyone?

He went with the family to the pool, which is clearly not his thing. It isn’t mine either. It sounds like he kept himself amused while you socialized with people. You seem to think he makes you look bad in some way. You need to work on that.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably tired and am introvert. I am the same and while I went to the pool today for 6 hours, after about 4 hours I was done with chit chat. It was so hot and I was tired. Give the guy a break!

[Anonymous]

You have an introvert-extrovert dynamic and that is common. He fell in love with your spirit of fun and went along with all of the things you wanted to do early in your relationship because it was a breath of fresh air in his life. I know this because this is how I felt about my husband, the fun extrovert (who is actually frequently crabby at home but that is a discussion for our therapist).

I handle myself pretty well in most social situations but sometimes I am tired and not in the mood and will either sit with my book and look grumpy (I'm not!) or worse, sit in the car and wait, or make everybody leave early because I'm tired and want to go home. The alternative, forcing myself to be like my husband, ends in frustration, resentment, exhaustion, and an explosion of bad emotions later. So it is not an option.

You both have to compromise. And talk about it. But it's not an uncommon dynamic. He's not a killjoy, he just wants to read his book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are you to decide what "fun" or "summer" is supposed to be?

Going to a communal bathtub and hanging out talking to people I don't know very well in swamp weather, is my idea of hell.

Give me a gorgeous hike (even with others) on a cool Fall day. and I'm in heaven.

What's your DH's idea of fun? Do you do things that he enjoys

Yes, our vacations, our winter sports/family outings, our geographic location, our neighborhood and even my career have been dictated by what he “needs” to be happy. Over the years we have reached a point where more and more things are controlled by his preferences- probably because I can’t handle him “punishing” me by being aloof or grumpy when he has to be flexible or accommodate my preferences.

Also my idea of fun is pretty bland and easy and what many people and our kids’ friends’ families enjoy. His idea of fun is very antisocial, expensive and specific and making the 4th revolve around it is unfair to our kids.

[Anonymous]

He didn’t bother you while you socialized. That’s a win !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you to decide what "fun" or "summer" is supposed to be?

Going to a communal bathtub and hanging out talking to people I don't know very well in swamp weather, is my idea of hell.

Give me a gorgeous hike (even with others) on a cool Fall day. and I'm in heaven.

What's your DH's idea of fun? Do you do things that he enjoys

Yes, our vacations, our winter sports/family outings, our geographic location, our neighborhood and even my career have been dictated by what he “needs” to be happy. Over the years we have reached a point where more and more things are controlled by his preferences- probably because I can’t handle him “punishing” me by being aloof or grumpy when he has to be flexible or accommodate my preferences.

Also my idea of fun is pretty bland and easy and what many people and our kids’ friends’ families enjoy. His idea of fun is very antisocial, expensive and specific and making the 4th revolve around it is unfair to our kids.

What did he want to do today? He did wind up at the pool, which is what you wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you to decide what "fun" or "summer" is supposed to be?

Going to a communal bathtub and hanging out talking to people I don't know very well in swamp weather, is my idea of hell.

Give me a gorgeous hike (even with others) on a cool Fall day. and I'm in heaven.

What's your DH's idea of fun? Do you do things that he enjoys

Yes, our vacations, our winter sports/family outings, our geographic location, our neighborhood and even my career have been dictated by what he “needs” to be happy. Over the years we have reached a point where more and more things are controlled by his preferences- probably because I can’t handle him “punishing” me by being aloof or grumpy when he has to be flexible or accommodate my preferences.

Also my idea of fun is pretty bland and easy and what many people and our kids’ friends’ families enjoy. His idea of fun is very antisocial, expensive and specific and making the 4th revolve around it is unfair to our kids.

Stop talking about yourself the question was what does he want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you to decide what "fun" or "summer" is supposed to be?

Going to a communal bathtub and hanging out talking to people I don't know very well in swamp weather, is my idea of hell.

Give me a gorgeous hike (even with others) on a cool Fall day. and I'm in heaven.

What's your DH's idea of fun? Do you do things that he enjoys

Yes, our vacations, our winter sports/family outings, our geographic location, our neighborhood and even my career have been dictated by what he “needs” to be happy. Over the years we have reached a point where more and more things are controlled by his preferences- probably because I can’t handle him “punishing” me by being aloof or grumpy when he has to be flexible or accommodate my preferences.

Also my idea of fun is pretty bland and easy and what many people and our kids’ friends’ families enjoy. His idea of fun is very antisocial, expensive and specific and making the 4th revolve around it is unfair to our kids.

I don't really understand what your problem is. He went and did what you and the kids wanted to do. Expecting him to do the same meaningless chitchat is pretty extra. He joined you and respected your wants. What more do you want?