My husband is the least fun man ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you to decide what "fun" or "summer" is supposed to be?

Going to a communal bathtub and hanging out talking to people I don't know very well in swamp weather, is my idea of hell.

Give me a gorgeous hike (even with others) on a cool Fall day. and I'm in heaven.

What's your DH's idea of fun? Do you do things that he enjoys

Yes, our vacations, our winter sports/family outings, our geographic location, our neighborhood and even my career have been dictated by what he “needs” to be happy. Over the years we have reached a point where more and more things are controlled by his preferences- probably because I can’t handle him “punishing” me by being aloof or grumpy when he has to be flexible or accommodate my preferences.

Also my idea of fun is pretty bland and easy and what many people and our kids’ friends’ families enjoy. His idea of fun is very antisocial, expensive and specific and making the 4th revolve around it is unfair to our kids.

So then what exactly is this antisocial, expensive and specific type of fun? Genuinely curious.

Also, can you connect on some other level and not need to share the same superficial social exchange interests?

Sometimes I see couples that are both super social and work the room together and honestly it is kind of overwhelming. It feels fake. I find that there is usually a more socially extroverted spouse and then a much less so one.

[Anonymous]

She wants them to make family friends. Sorry OP! Mine is the same way.
I meet women and make friends with them, I think I'm pretty likable. Then we get invited over for a BBQ or something with our kids. My husband sits there like a bump on a log. He answers questions politely but doesn't make conversation and he comes across as a snob. Then we never get another family invite, just me out to coffee, or me and the kids out to a park.
When I have people over he keeps busy refilling food or cleaning up so he doesn't have to talk to anyone.
He's not a snob, he just can't relax around people he doesn't trust (which seems to be everyone he's known less than 15 years). He loves biking or camping with just our family.

[Anonymous]

The problem is she is comparing him to other dads. That’s not good. This marriage is headed for a crash….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is she is comparing him to other dads. That’s not good. This marriage is headed for a crash….

Yup. She's comparing to the external facade of other dads at the pool. The grass is always greener...

[Anonymous]

I like your husband. You sound like an insufferable a$$.

[Anonymous]

The only thing he did “wrong” was go to the pool.

You should have gone without him.

You should take vacations and do things with the kids without him. You clearly don’t have the same ideas of fun and family, so make time for each of you do so what you want. Without each other.

Or, set yourselves both free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you to decide what "fun" or "summer" is supposed to be?

Going to a communal bathtub and hanging out talking to people I don't know very well in swamp weather, is my idea of hell.

Give me a gorgeous hike (even with others) on a cool Fall day. and I'm in heaven.

What's your DH's idea of fun? Do you do things that he enjoys

Yes, our vacations, our winter sports/family outings, our geographic location, our neighborhood and even my career have been dictated by what he “needs” to be happy. Over the years we have reached a point where more and more things are controlled by his preferences- probably because I can’t handle him “punishing” me by being aloof or grumpy when he has to be flexible or accommodate my preferences.

Also my idea of fun is pretty bland and easy and what many people and our kids’ friends’ families enjoy. His idea of fun is very antisocial, expensive and specific and making the 4th revolve around it is unfair to our kids.

Your first paragraph is a recipe for couples therapy. Now. It can take time these days to get onto a therapist's patient list, because therapy is in high demand, so pick up the phone first thing tomorrow morning and start making calls. Begin with the list of therapists your health insurance covers but be aware, you may have to go outside your coverage to get a therapist, especially as you need someone who does couples therapy.

I'm serious. This may be salvagable but you will never know if you keep silent about this with him and don't get outside help. Why outside help? Your resentment is already so deeply ingrained that you two both surely need someone to help guide you through what are possibly resentments and lot of anger on both sides.

Also: What have you actually said to him? Have you ever told him, in the words you use with US above, how you have perceived pretty much your entire marriage? You have a script above. Start there. But you need to learn some "When you do X, I feel Y" constructions or he will just become defensive, shut down, and keep punishing. He may also have a script he's never used with you, and you need to be ready to hear that, too. Those above talking about introvert/extrovert are putting things quite simplistically but that does not mean they're wrong.

I would almost wager that he thinks his preferences don't control your life at all. Not saying he's right, just saying he likely will not even recognize what you're saying and feeling. But you need to talk to him--as in, communicate--and immediately note that you feel punished by him whenever you DO bring up what you want. Then when he is "aloof or grumpy" after this talk, you say out loud, "You just said X and I'm hearing that as being grumpy about my earlier comments.
Stop dreading it and saying you "can't handle him" like that and call it out calmly and coolly every time.

All this should happen while you are getting ready for that first couples therapy appoitnment. If he refuses to go, you go to individual therapy and make sure he knows you are going because you are reassessing staying married and how you feel about him and about you as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he did “wrong” was go to the pool.

You should have gone without him.

You should take vacations and do things with the kids without him. You clearly don’t have the same ideas of fun and family, so make time for each of you do so what you want. Without each other.

Or, set yourselves both free.

What he did “wrong” was enjoy himself how he wanted instead of how she wanted him to enjoy himself. He was perfectly happy reading his book. He didn’t want to pretend to give a sh*t about a bunch of strangers - introverts find that boring and exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wants them to make family friends. Sorry OP! Mine is the same way.
I meet women and make friends with them, I think I'm pretty likable. Then we get invited over for a BBQ or something with our kids. My husband sits there like a bump on a log. He answers questions politely but doesn't make conversation and he comes across as a snob. Then we never get another family invite, just me out to coffee, or me and the kids out to a park.
When I have people over he keeps busy refilling food or cleaning up so he doesn't have to talk to anyone.
He's not a snob, he just can't relax around people he doesn't trust (which seems to be everyone he's known less than 15 years). He loves biking or camping with just our family.

This is it! Except my husband doesn’t like biking or camping. And he is a snob, tbh. He is happy to have friends from 15 years ago that he sees every 2 years. But meanwhile I am lonely and my daughter is missing out on having more of a community. Our friendships used to get awkward after we hosted because my husband would not interact with guests. We had to stop hosting at home and I only “host” by inviting people on outings.

I have lots of women friends but those friendships don’t extend to family events. I am friends with women in the neighborhood and included in women-only social outings in other friend groups. I hear a lot about couples and family events that my female friends attend or host and we are not invited to those.

I’m sad because everyone has friend and family things to do tonight but us. We didn’t get invited to anything and my invites were declined because people had big-group plans. I wish my husband would try to be the tiniest bit friendly so my daughter and I could have a social life.

[Anonymous]

You sound exhausting OP. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he did “wrong” was go to the pool.

You should have gone without him.

You should take vacations and do things with the kids without him. You clearly don’t have the same ideas of fun and family, so make time for each of you do so what you want. Without each other.

Or, set yourselves both free.

What he did “wrong” was enjoy himself how he wanted instead of how she wanted him to enjoy himself. He was perfectly happy reading his book. He didn’t want to pretend to give a sh*t about a bunch of strangers - introverts find that boring and exhausting.

They’re not strangers. He knew 75% of the people there and it was rude of him to not acknowledge them in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing he did “wrong” was go to the pool.

You should have gone without him.

You should take vacations and do things with the kids without him. You clearly don’t have the same ideas of fun and family, so make time for each of you do so what you want. Without each other.

Or, set yourselves both free.

What he did “wrong” was enjoy himself how he wanted instead of how she wanted him to enjoy himself. He was perfectly happy reading his book. He didn’t want to pretend to give a sh*t about a bunch of strangers - introverts find that boring and exhausting.

They’re not strangers. He knew 75% of the people there and it was rude of him to not acknowledge them in any way.

So the people went right up to him while he was sitting and reading his book, and he didn't look up at all and acknowledge them?

Agree, majorly rude.

Or is that not how it happened, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wants them to make family friends. Sorry OP! Mine is the same way.
I meet women and make friends with them, I think I'm pretty likable. Then we get invited over for a BBQ or something with our kids. My husband sits there like a bump on a log. He answers questions politely but doesn't make conversation and he comes across as a snob. Then we never get another family invite, just me out to coffee, or me and the kids out to a park.
When I have people over he keeps busy refilling food or cleaning up so he doesn't have to talk to anyone.
He's not a snob, he just can't relax around people he doesn't trust (which seems to be everyone he's known less than 15 years). He loves biking or camping with just our family.

This is it! Except my husband doesn’t like biking or camping. And he is a snob, tbh. He is happy to have friends from 15 years ago that he sees every 2 years. But meanwhile I am lonely and my daughter is missing out on having more of a community. Our friendships used to get awkward after we hosted because my husband would not interact with guests. We had to stop hosting at home and I only “host” by inviting people on outings.

I have lots of women friends but those friendships don’t extend to family events. I am friends with women in the neighborhood and included in women-only social outings in other friend groups. I hear a lot about couples and family events that my female friends attend or host and we are not invited to those.

I’m sad because everyone has friend and family things to do tonight but us. We didn’t get invited to anything and my invites were declined because people had big-group plans. I wish my husband would try to be the tiniest bit friendly so my daughter and I could have a social life.

There it is. You want him to be your social wet nurse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wants them to make family friends. Sorry OP! Mine is the same way.
I meet women and make friends with them, I think I'm pretty likable. Then we get invited over for a BBQ or something with our kids. My husband sits there like a bump on a log. He answers questions politely but doesn't make conversation and he comes across as a snob. Then we never get another family invite, just me out to coffee, or me and the kids out to a park.
When I have people over he keeps busy refilling food or cleaning up so he doesn't have to talk to anyone.
He's not a snob, he just can't relax around people he doesn't trust (which seems to be everyone he's known less than 15 years). He loves biking or camping with just our family.

This is it! Except my husband doesn’t like biking or camping. And he is a snob, tbh. He is happy to have friends from 15 years ago that he sees every 2 years. But meanwhile I am lonely and my daughter is missing out on having more of a community. Our friendships used to get awkward after we hosted because my husband would not interact with guests. We had to stop hosting at home and I only “host” by inviting people on outings.

I have lots of women friends but those friendships don’t extend to family events. I am friends with women in the neighborhood and included in women-only social outings in other friend groups. I hear a lot about couples and family events that my female friends attend or host and we are not invited to those.

I’m sad because everyone has friend and family things to do tonight but us. We didn’t get invited to anything and my invites were declined because people had big-group plans. I wish my husband would try to be the tiniest bit friendly so my daughter and I could have a social life.

There it is. You want him to be your social wet nurse.

I will get divorced so you can marry my husband. You will love each other.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like my aspie husband. Solidarity, OP. At least I had a bunch of kids to fill the talking void. It’s so embarrassing to be social with him he acts like a rude weirdo. But he’s good in bed and I love him so 🤷🏼‍♀️