Nanny who is "too chatty" within our community

[Anonymous]

OP, what you feel is normal. Find a way to communicate to her what you want to change specifically - don't overexplain or apologize for your feelings. Just be very clear and specific: I would like that birthday invitations come to us as parents. I would prefer that you don't disclose (whatever she was gossiping about). It's perfectly ok to set boundaries, what you don't want is for your resentment or hard feelings to fester - that chips away at your mental health and quality of life. Having a household employee is about meeting the family needs, and it costs a lot precisely because it's 1:1 dedicated attention. If the nanny is unable or unwilling to make changes after you clearly stated your requests - then it's indeed time for change, in whatever shape feels right to you - stay at home, get a new employee, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a young stay at home mom. I would meet young nannies who would ask me if I was a nanny because I was their age, under 25, like most of the nannies. We would get together and talk.

It can be lonely being a nanny. The sahm are usually much older than the nanny and don’t have much in common.

Since your nanny is within your age group she fits right in. Be thankful you don’t have one of those underpaid 19 year olds from another country who is using the job to party in America.

Or a lazy American who mistreats thier LO

[Anonymous]

OP you sound miserable. Whatever you choose you will be miserable. You have to talk to a therapist about your jealousy and insecurity.
You already are talking awful about DH doing all the work. You will resent your children.
I've seen many moms hating thier kids and got sick of them. Sad buy true.

OP, you don't sound right in the head. More like dangerous and crazy. Please seek mental help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nannies under 25? Not in our neighborhood. Grown up women who mostly raised their own kids get nanny jobs where I live.

Guessing you’ve never met an Au Pair.

That’s what I was talking about. Maybe they aren’t as popular now.

[Anonymous]

If your child old enough to go to aftercare? Maybe that will work better than having a nanny. When I did have a nanny, I really disliked how this non-family person had such a big role in our family life (which is why I ended up going part time).

[Anonymous]

You are not being ridiculous. You have a maternal instinct and something feels off, and you should listen to that. Especially given that you've had other nannies and have never felt this way before, it means you should listen to your gut.

I was in a very similar position with my very first nanny but I pushed through because I had nothing to compare to (I also posted here about it and got crushed, like you). After having had other nannies, I realize now my instinct was 100% right -- when it's a good fit, you do not feel this way, period.

If you like your job, don't quit, just find another nanny. There are a million out there.

[Anonymous]

Haha quit and do work with your child. Haha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous as hell. You have to decide, do you want to miss out on these things experiences or quit/scale back your job?


I thought this was going to be about a nanny who is gossiping / spreading private info about your family around town. You’re upset she’s setting up play dates and accepting birthday invites…?!

I don't think that the nanny is actually accepting the invites... OP is just upset that the nanny is told about the party before she is or before/at the same time that the nanny receives the invitation to pass on to the parent.

Nanny here. I set up and accept play dates for my charges *if* they happen during my hours. I don't accept anything outside of my hours, and I tell the parent/AP/nanny that my employer will get back to them.

I'm absolutely clear with parents that I do not want play dates set up with random adults for me; I am happy to have play dates at the park where I don't need to interact with the other adult or have both children at my employer's house (drop off, no socialization with the other adult required). I also set up and accept play dates for my charges with children whose accompanying adult is reasonable; I'm not in the habit of entertaining of adults continually when I need to be supervising my charge.

Frankly, it sounds like jealousy to me. "Too chatty" implies that the nanny is sharing financial, social and/or medical information about your family. You have a social nanny who is arranging play dates for your child... that's a good thing...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous as hell. You have to decide, do you want to miss out on these things experiences or quit/scale back your job?


I thought this was going to be about a nanny who is gossiping / spreading private info about your family around town. You’re upset she’s setting up play dates and accepting birthday invites…?!

OP here. We area also concerned about gossiping and spreading private info. One good friend from neighborhood called me to let me know about an incident where she was sharing more information than she thought was appropriate and wanted me to know. It didn't rise to the level of firing her on the spot, but it definitely is contributing to my unhappiness at the moment with this situation.

I think you're making it up at this point. If she had been doing that, you would have included it in the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. We've had the same nanny for 8 years. But now with our youngest her life has changed a lot. She needs to take the baby with her on errands, to appointments, to visit her other family members, etc. All of that is completely fine with me (actually it's more like what a SAHM would do and it seems more natural than sitting in a playroom all day), but I am jealous. I want to go to Target with the baby.

I'd encourage you to work part time or to take more time off. Or even to adjust your hours. I now work 6-3pm.

Every time she oversteps a boundary (like receiving and responding to birthday invites), say that you have it covered. Or tell her "in the future I want to respond to those."

Absolutely not. That's not a professional nanny, and that's where you need better boundaries.

The OP stated that she was upset that the nanny was arranging play dates... there's a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very jealous!

OP here. Perhaps I do. Maybe my feelings are telling me to fire her, quit my job and enjoy time with my youngest? Or maybe better boundaries solves this problem. Again, we've had several nannies and never had this dynamic before.

what kind of boundaries, exactly? are you going to tell her she can’t talk to parents at school pickups?

OP are you under anxiety and stress in some other part of your life? Because your nanny sounds totally normal, but you are focused on her behavior in a hostile way that does not seem merited. When that happens to me, usually it’s because I am stressed for some other reason.

You're probably right. I've worked with nannies for over a decade now and never felt like a nanny was trying to creep into my role as a mother before. It's never bothered me that they coordinate a play date. This one doesn't have many friends of her own and isn't close to her own family and the situation just feels off to me. I don't have any external, new anxiety in my life right now, other than maybe realizing my kids are growing up fast and wanting a stronger connection with my youngest. No issues with stay at home moms either. I just found a career I enjoy so I never had a strong desire to leave it.

"Doesn't have friends of her own..." You knew every parent, AP and nanny for your child's friends and every other child in every class in your child's school, every activity, at every playground... You are sounding more and more unreasonable, OP. The likelihood is that the nanny, in the course of her JOB has made many friends before you ever heard about them, IF you ever heard about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound unhinged. Talking to the other parents and setting up playdates is helping your kids have a more engaging social life. If you want to be a SAHM then do it, but don't blame the nanny for this situation.

+1. You think she is going to run off with your child? This goes beyond even jealousy to some kind of delusion.

We've had 3 other nannies over the course of 12 years and I've never felt anything like this before. I think sharing more context is now considered "trolling" so I won't go there. I'm letting this nanny go. Thanks for letting me think out loud. All three of my other nannies were better and I never felt anything like this before - not even close. Also, I do plan to cut back on work. Thanks to other posters for the hard truth on that one.

The sheer fact that you said only one of the other nannies set up play dates tells me that no, at least two of the other were worse than this nanny, but you do you. Just tell the nanny that she didn't do anything wrong, because she didn't, but there's a personality conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many nannies have you had in the past 12 years? Because most people keep the same nanny long-term. I'm thinking the nanny isn't the problem here, OP is just crazy.

Most people do keep their nanny longterm if they have multiple children and are staying with nanny care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i think that OP's gut is telling her something.

Maybe it's telling her that she needs to spend more time with her children (seems like she herself has admitted that) but it also could be that the nanny is overstepping boundaries and the OP is feeling it and trying to articulate it. Something is going on.

The things OP is saying don't seem *that* bad (setting up playdates and going to bday parties is very normal for an involved nanny) but I bet there is something else going on. I wish she would give some more detail about why she feels the nanny wants to steal her youngest child, for example.

Also read/dont read the novel "the nanny." also about a nanny who makes the family her whole life, and really flips when she feels the mother trying to set up boundaries. It's horror, as a warning.

It's also fiction!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nannies under 25? Not in our neighborhood. Grown up women who mostly raised their own kids get nanny jobs where I live.

Guessing you’ve never met an Au Pair.

APs are not nannies.