Nanny who is "too chatty" within our community

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a nanny in her mid-thirties who never had kids of her own. She's pretty good but not great. We've had different nannies for 12 years now - she's better than most: she's almost always available when we need her for a later night or if we want to get away for an overnight trip she can do it. My issue is that she's starting to insert herself into what should be "my" role as a mom - like she directly plans play dates and is getting birthday party invites directly from other parents for my youngest. She sits around chatting with moms at school and extracurricular activities. I'm starting to want to just fire her and stay home with my last kid. I've never felt this way before. I actually like-to-love my job that I've spent my entire life working to create. I also hate the idea of becoming financially dependent on my spouse. Our marriage is mostly good but we've had some trials. I've just never felt this way about a nanny before, mostly because I've never had one who overstepped in this way. I also feel like she's become overly attached to my youngest, like I have this fear of her running away with my child. Again, never before in 12 years have I felt like this before.
Am I being ridiculous here? Any dealt with this?

You sound envious, insecure and extremely anxious.

If she weren't doing all of those things, you'd be complaining that she wasn't.
She can't win either way with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know what “boundaries” would look like here- “please don’t talk to other parents in the dance waiting room?”

“Please don’t accept any birthday invitations.”
“Please don’t make any play dates for Larla.”
“Please don’t speak to any of the other parents.”


Then I want you to come back to us and report back if she’ll be available for you on those spur of the moment late nights that you seem to enjoy. Or if she’s going to stay late when you have something to do after work.

OP. I don't use her for "spur of the moment late nights". I plan things out in advance and part it was part of the job description. Never goes over 40 hours. Look, I've never had a nanny get birthday party invites directly or gossip with my neighbors and have it get back to me. I've had another nanny who did a great job with playdates and I appreciated it. This one is different. Apparently giving more facts is considered "trolling" and the fact that I am annoyed with the way she has inserted herself into my life makes me seem "unhinged". I am leaning more toward just finding a new nanny and also cutting back on work. I've never felt like this before and something is off here. I can't tie it to anything else going on in my life right now. Maybe it's simply a personality conflict.

So you’re going to to rip a loving person out of your kid’s life because you can’t manage your mind?

I’ve been on both sides. I used to feel same about my nanny, but I KNEW it was my problem. She was fantastic, and I’m not a total idiot. We should be so lucky to have competent, caring people look after our kids.

I’ve also been SAHM and it is quite common to make playdates with the nanny. I also knew most of the moms. You’re being unreasonable on this front. Re what she said - we don’t know what it is and it seems like you’re grasping for one last mail for her coffin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wants to be in control so she can make sure things are in her comfort zone and easiest for her. Over the years she’s learned how to manipulate moms. It’s not that she wants to replace a mom. It’s because she wants to be in complete control and not have you make decisions as to where and when she’s going to be doing things…. Very common. Make sure that you set boundaries.

Wow, what a weird take on this. Manipulate? Wtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guess I’m the minority here, but I don’t think you sound unhinged. Her age and your age and just not compatible. She’s doing what a lot of people find positive behavior, but doesn’t work for you. You don’t have to deal with it. I’d find someone else. It’s okay that you match better with a younger nanny. I have a friend who got rid of her nanny because she was too pretty and made her feel insecure. It’s hard enough to work full time and raise a family. Don’t make things harder if you have control of who you hire.

Thank you. This is where I'm at. This nanny is too close to my age, doesn't have many friends of her own and isn't close to her own family and it feels like she's creeping into my life and overstepping the role that I want. I never felt like this with our last nanny who we had for many years until she retired. She planned play dates all the time and it was a non-issue. In the end, I guess I don't need any other reason to let her go other than it's not a good fit for me. And all the points about me potentially working too much and needing to cut back are probably also correct.

Just stay home aalllll daaaay.

Better to be a shy nanny, with not much friends, people who has a lot of friends just are mostly haters and jealous people.

It's better to have a small circle abs not a lot of fake friends

Uhhhh, what?? 😵‍💫

[Anonymous]

She is probably gossiping about you a lot. When people bring to your attention, then yes she does it a lot

Accepting playdates that occur while she is watching your kid seems fine but play dates and parties at other times - she should not accept those on your behalf.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you should go with your gut and let her go. She may be a great nanny for someone else but it’s not working for you.
Our nanny used to cross boundaries like this. For example several Nannie’s would gather at the local rich girls house where the girl was called princess and certainly acted like one. It made me uncomfortable because in addition to shoving my kid to the back it also seemed like social hours for the nanny. There were other things.
So … when it comes to Nannys… always go with your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wants to be in control so she can make sure things are in her comfort zone and easiest for her. Over the years she’s learned how to manipulate moms. It’s not that she wants to replace a mom. It’s because she wants to be in complete control and not have you make decisions as to where and when she’s going to be doing things…. Very common. Make sure that you set boundaries.

Wow, what a weird take on this.
Manipulate? Wtf.

THIS Nannie’s can be very manipulative.

[Anonymous]

OP we had the same nanny for 10 years. Part time at the end. But it took a lot to find that one. We had some bad ones.

[Anonymous]

Seems like a good idea to implode your kid's life and the nanny's life because she isn't doing precisely what you think a nanny ought to do with stuff that doesn't even matter as far as care of your child goes.

Your expectations are unrealistic and misguided. If she takes good care of your kid and the kid loves her then she's a good nanny. Anything else is you having anxiety about your role as mom, employer, having a career and missing out on time with your kids.

Of course some people do fire the nanny when they are basically the person who is primarily raising the kid, then those multiple broken bonds between child and caregiver teach the child not to bond with anyone because it's pointless. This is supremely not good for human beings.

[Anonymous]

“Implode your kids life?”
Way to overstate things. You sound a bit unhinged yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Implode your kids life?”
Way to overstate things. You sound a bit unhinged yourself.

Well, someone referred to the OP deciding to SAH with her youngest as imploding her own life. If you don't think kids who have bonded with and love their nanny suffer a great deal from those abruptly broken relationships then you are in some kind of dangerous denial. It may not fit your personal narrative but it's real for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Nannies under 25? Not in our neighborhood. Grown up women who mostly raised their own kids get nanny jobs where I live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nannies under 25? Not in our neighborhood. Grown up women who mostly raised their own kids get nanny jobs where I live.

Guessing you’ve never met an Au Pair.

[Anonymous]

You sound psycho. Either be there to take your kid to the park and playdates or not.

[Anonymous]

The gossip is unacceptable and if you get the sense that it is a common occurrence you have my permission to fire ASAP.

The playdates and birthday parties is totally fine with me. Our nanny does similar and I actually love that she facilitates friendships with the neighborhood kids by befriending the local nannies and SAHMs.