How much stress is too much stress?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m telling you, Burke, Field, SAES and a few others are the ultimate life hacks. If your kid can do well at these schools - with very little homework or intense pressure - they will get into the same colleges as the kids at “Big 5” schools. You’ll see sh**ty responses to this, but don’t let it alter you. Check out the schools that everyone disdains. Then, look at the universities that the top 10-15% of those classes get into. Then, determine if your kid could be in the top 15%. And if the answer is yes, you’ve figured out a complex problem and given your kids the gift of normalcy.

But can you get the same level of rigor/learning at these schools that you can at the higher-pressure schools, with the same level of preparedness for these colleges? Or is it not as good an education?

This is kind of a selfish question as my kid is torn between one of these schools and one of the high-pressure schools and we have to decide in 2 days...

I don’t think you are thinking analytically and that is the problem with most parents. They assume more hw means more rigor.
Are kids prepared for college from different schools? Of course, they are. This is especially true when you are comparing schools like Sidwell, Burke, St. Andrews, etc. Kids are also prepared from most decent public schools whether you want to believe it or not.
There are students who land at the Ivy schools from both Sidwell and Jackson Reed. You can argue that the Sidwell students are more prepared and I would agree. But the JR students do just fine even if they have to work a bit harder in freshman year in college than Sidwell students. A couple years into college, they are most likely about the same.

My data point is that my son went to an Ivy from Sidwell along with 2 JR students and became friends with them.
He is in a few classes with them. He said they are doing just fine and seem well prepared.

DP. I totally agree with you, having known of kids from public who have gone to the top 10 schools from public and done very well. However, I'm curious if this experience now makes you think Sidwell was academic overkill? Was the higher stress worth it in HS if kids who come from non-pressure cooker schools can do equally well in college after a semester or two?

[Anonymous]

Again, the problem is that parents are looking for some sort of college results. What if these schools offer a sense of community, rigor, knowledge, and skill-building that is good for your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, the problem is that parents are looking for some sort of college results. What if these schools offer a sense of community, rigor, knowledge, and skill-building that is good for your kid?

People who seek the latter are happy and not complaining to anonymous people about their choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full circle. Which is why some of us are making the concerted effort to break the cycle.

But the college stress isn't coming from the school. Where is it coming from?

USNWR

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, the problem is that parents are looking for some sort of college results. What if these schools offer a sense of community, rigor, knowledge, and skill-building that is good for your kid?

People who seek the latter are happy and not complaining to anonymous people about their choices.

Then it's not the schools causing the stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So.after all this, who wants the pressure cooker schools?

Plenty of people at these same schools do not experience them as pressure cookers. If you are a Harvard or die person, any school will be hell for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So.after all this, who wants the pressure cooker schools?

Yes. My DD is going to a school that has a rep for being a "pressure cooker." Our public option isn't great. She had several private options including some more relaxed schools, and she ended up picking a rigorous one, but it was not forced on her by me or DH. She is a naturally academic kid with all 99 and 98%iles on her upper school admissions test, and she has been bored to tears in public school, so she loves the idea of being more challenged. I have my concerns because we don't know what we are getting ourselves into, and I don't want her to be unhappy or stressed, but at the same time I think she's the type of kid who could thrive in this kind of environment based on her personality and interests. If it turns out to be a stressful disaster, I figure we can always return to our public option, even though it is not great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all those deciding this week, I am not one of the previous posters but reading this forum for years and knowing kids at almost all of these high schools and having kids at one of them, the CW seems to be as follows:

Top pressure cookers -ncs, sidwell - ncs with an extra dose of grade deflation.

Next down - gds - maybe Potomac not sure and holton and st Albans

Next - maret - their parents seem to think they have thread the needle the best on this. Hard to know

Next - ssas, Burke, field, bullis

Surely I am missing many.

The stress complaints have persisted for years but seem to have heightened in the last few years as college admissions has gotten harder and according to some note that the grade deflating schools make it harder.

No judgement here but if you pick a pressure cooker don’t assume your kid will be that one who it doesn’t matter for. Whether at top of class or not, it seems to impact most.

Where does Flint Hill fit into this in your opinion? I think it’s generally not a pressure cooker but among the more advanced kids in each grade it’s quite stressful and the workload can be a lot if you take advanced classes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all those deciding this week, I am not one of the previous posters but reading this forum for years and knowing kids at almost all of these high schools and having kids at one of them, the CW seems to be as follows:

Top pressure cookers -ncs, sidwell - ncs with an extra dose of grade deflation.

Next down - gds - maybe Potomac not sure and holton and st Albans

Next - maret - their parents seem to think they have thread the needle the best on this. Hard to know

Next - ssas, Burke, field, bullis

Surely I am missing many.

The stress complaints have persisted for years but seem to have heightened in the last few years as college admissions has gotten harder and according to some note that the grade deflating schools make it harder.

No judgement here but if you pick a pressure cooker don’t assume your kid will be that one who it doesn’t matter for. Whether at top of class or not, it seems to impact most.

Where does Flint Hill fit into this in your opinion? I think it’s generally not a pressure cooker but among the more advanced kids in each grade it’s quite stressful and the workload can be a lot if you take advanced classes

I have kids there and I would put it with SSSAS, SAES, Bullis, etc. We specifically avoided pressure cooker schools when we started looking at privates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, the problem is that parents are looking for some sort of college results. What if these schools offer a sense of community, rigor, knowledge, and skill-building that is good for your kid?

People who seek the latter are happy and not complaining to anonymous people about their choices.

Then it's not the schools causing the stress.

It’s parents and the schools they choose for their kids.

[Anonymous]

We applied to a couple of the top pressure cookers last year and got waitlisted. We wanted DC to start in middle to see if uncomfortable. We were accepted to a wonderful school for 9th which is known as a pressure cooker, but declined to avoid the possibility of being in a situation where there is too much pressure.
We were fortunate to have been accepted this year to schools known to have a less pressure environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was suicidal while at NCS. I’m now on the fence between Flint Hill and SSSAS for my own DD because she has a similar temperament and I want her to flourish, not be crushed.

I would look at schools more mellow. No one deserves that and I am sorry for your experience.

NP here. Wrong. If PP was suicidal at NCS, that’s just a testament to her own anxiety and lack of resilience.

I frankly don’t understand this conversation at all. Having a highly anxious kid in a competitive, pressure cooker environment like NCS is GREAT — because they learn to give up their perfectionist tendencies and instead adopt a growth mindset.

I’m the OP of this post:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1067220.page

And I really do think that parents need to push their kids into the most competitive and high-pressure environment; otherwise they won’t know how to deal with pressure and high-stakes and will just crumble as an adult (because quite frankly, being a young adult in this day and age is stressful). Kids need to learn to deal with high-stakes environments, and learning it in high school is a great opportunity.

And if these kids end up with anxiety or suicidal ideation because of said environment, it would probably be much worse had they gone to an easier school and not learned how to cope with a stressful environment. Remember, anxiety is most effectively abetted by exposure! Your kids need that exposure to stress to not be anxious.

[Anonymous]

Idk about the kids, but $50,000 per year is too much stress for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Strongest students I know, seemingly least stressed, are kids with significant sports time commitments. They seem to prioritize their time to get it all done and still get enough sleep. I think lack of sleep is a huge part of the stress kids are experiencing.

No the kid with a sport get less sleep and no free time for anything.

Disagree. My athletes prioritized sleep. They didn’t do a ton of social things- but their sport is very social and they also did school activities.

Is your kid’s social sport a high school sport? Club sport?

As much as my teen would like to prioritize sleep there is not enough hours in the day. But he loves his sport(s) so not much you can do about it. 2 sport elite athlete.

6am wake up
8-3pm school (can usually squeeze in 1 hour of homework during school and on block schedule)
3:30-5:30 high school sport practice or game
5:30-6 driving to next location or home to change/snack if time permits before next event
6-6:30 en route to next event
6:30-8pm Club team practice twice a week, performance training once a week, skills training once a week. (Usually nothing Friday nights after high school team practice or game.
8-8:30 en route home
8:30-9:30 dinner and chill/shower
9:30-10:30/11 homework
Bed by 11-11:30

Average sleep 6.5-7 hours.

Why even do the sports? Chances they continue in adulthood is slim. Just stop the madness. You’re choosing to live a life like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was suicidal while at NCS. I’m now on the fence between Flint Hill and SSSAS for my own DD because she has a similar temperament and I want her to flourish, not be crushed.

I would look at schools more mellow. No one deserves that and I am sorry for your experience.

NP here. Wrong. If PP was suicidal at NCS, that’s just a testament to her own anxiety and lack of resilience.

I frankly don’t understand this conversation at all. Having a highly anxious kid in a competitive, pressure cooker environment like NCS is GREAT — because they learn to give up their perfectionist tendencies and instead adopt a growth mindset.

I’m the OP of this post:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1067220.page

And I really do think that parents need to push their kids into the most competitive and high-pressure environment; otherwise they won’t know how to deal with pressure and high-stakes and will just crumble as an adult (because quite frankly, being a young adult in this day and age is stressful). Kids need to learn to deal with high-stakes environments, and learning it in high school is a great opportunity.

And if these kids end up with anxiety or suicidal ideation because of said environment, it would probably be much worse had they gone to an easier school and not learned how to cope with a stressful environment. Remember, anxiety is most effectively abetted by exposure! Your kids need that exposure to stress to not be anxious.

My guess is you didn’t go to NCS, Princeton and Stanford? For many who did it was like competing for gold in pole vaulting in the junior Olympics or even Olympics. A ton of work in a sport your parents selected, anxiety-inducing, and the medal wasn’t worth it. Meanwhile your friend who took gymnastics for fun and started her own gymnastics company had more fun and earns more, but it’s too late for you. Develop a good work ethic yes, but there are lots of ways to do that without adding too much stress