Reply to Would you inquire how the bill for dinner is being split?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.[/quote]

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.[/quote]

I think this is a good plan OP.  I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past.  If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family.  I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.[/quote]

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

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If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend.  Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers.  In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income.  It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that.  You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

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I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.[/quote]

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out. [/quote]

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.[/quote]

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?[/quote]

It’s just cultural. It’s easier for everyone and the staff to do an even split, especially back before every restaurant had computerized point of sale systems. I think it’s considerably easier to split checks now. In my 20’s I had a friend who was always super conscious of this and I often covered her, I would put down a card for two split shares and she would pay me back, but only for what she ordered. She was always a little short on tax and tip, even for just what she ordered. NBD, I never gave it a second thought and we’re still good friends. It’s nice to be gracious and generous when you can. [/quote]

When I eat out with a group of friends, we will notice that, for example, 2 people had no drinks and the rest each had appetizers plus 2 drinks.  So those two people will pay to cover their own meal plus tax, tip, and the rest of us will split the balance evenly.  It helps to have someone who DIDNT spend less be the one to notice and suggest this kind of modified split of bill. So if OP can have someone else notice and suggest: “Larla didn’t have any apps or wine, she should just cover her entree and soft drink, we (who had appetizers and multiple cocktails) will split the rest”[/quote]

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