Do Asian elders typically go to nursing homes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

Do you not see the irony here? That your parents cared for you when you could easily have pooped on their favorite chair?

I am not pretending this is easy or that one solution works for all. But I think the explanation has to do with love and willingness to sacrifice. Not processed food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The African woman who cared for my elderly mom told me no African would have a stranger care for their parent.

😶

Africa has many countries and cultures and none in the entire continent would have a stranger care for their parent?

I’m surprised! But also maybe they can’t afford it??

Well if you are not African, did you post just to appear worldly? It would be informative to hear from someone who was raised in an African country on this point (like the person PP was quoting).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The African woman who cared for my elderly mom told me no African would have a stranger care for their parent.

😶

Africa has many countries and cultures and none in the entire continent would have a stranger care for their parent?

I’m surprised! But also maybe they can’t afford it??

That’s one way to look at it!

That caregiver sounds a little judgy.

She certainly made me feel judged. But I also appreciated hearing her perspective. I had judged her, silently, because she had left young children behind in Africa to come to the US…which I would never do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

Expectations of providing care is a different at many stages of life in some countries. One of my brother's wives was very vocal about the fact that in her country, the grandparents care for young children so the parents can work. Most American grandparents don't want to give up their pickleball and bridge club and travel so they can watch grandchildren full time--why should they expect their adult children/inlaws to drop every thing and care for THEM?

You are characterizing grandparents in a stereotypical way. Or judging them all based upon your own wealthy parents.

I think it is far more common for American grandparents to watch their grandkids than for them to play pickleball and bridge. Many others would love nothing more than to see their grandchildren after school each day.

Sorry that you don’t know people like that. Unless you live in a bubble, they are everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

Do you not see the irony here? That your parents cared for you when you could easily have pooped on their favorite chair?

I am not pretending this is easy or that one solution works for all. But I think the explanation has to do with love and willingness to sacrifice. Not processed food.

Her parents made the choice to have a child. PP did not make that choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

Expectations of providing care is a different at many stages of life in some countries. One of my brother's wives was very vocal about the fact that in her country, the grandparents care for young children so the parents can work. Most American grandparents don't want to give up their pickleball and bridge club and travel so they can watch grandchildren full time--why should they expect their adult children/inlaws to drop every thing and care for THEM?

You are characterizing grandparents in a stereotypical way. Or judging them all based upon your own wealthy parents.

I think it is far more common for American grandparents to watch their grandkids than for them to play pickleball and bridge. Many others would love nothing more than to see their grandchildren after school each day.

Sorry that you don’t know people like that. Unless you live in a bubble, they are everywhere.

Why would there even be a need for daycare centers or nannies if I am the only one that has experienced grandparents not providing full time care for the grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The African woman who cared for my elderly mom told me no African would have a stranger care for their parent.

😶

Africa has many countries and cultures and none in the entire continent would have a stranger care for their parent?

I’m surprised! But also maybe they can’t afford it??

Life expectancy in Africa is 62.9 years. People don’t live as long so no need to have to care for really elderly relatives. In other countries there isn’t aggressive and expensive treatments undertaken to save someone over 65.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

Do you not see the irony here? That your parents cared for you when you could easily have pooped on their favorite chair?

I am not pretending this is easy or that one solution works for all. But I think the explanation has to do with love and willingness to sacrifice. Not processed food.

Her parents made the choice to have a child. PP did not make that choice.

That's so sad! In my culture my kids say they picked me to be their mama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

Do you not see the irony here? That your parents cared for you when you could easily have pooped on their favorite chair?

I am not pretending this is easy or that one solution works for all. But I think the explanation has to do with love and willingness to sacrifice. Not processed food.

Her parents made the choice to have a child. PP did not make that choice.

That's so sad! In my culture my kids say they picked me to be their mama.

In your culture, do you also say that children with physically or sexually abusing parents picked them to be their parents, too?

[Anonymous]

We are Indian. My FIL has a stroke that left him paralyzed. My MIL was very frail and unable to care for him on her own. My inlaws moved in with us for 2-3 years where we hired full-time caregivers to care for him. It cost approximately $60,000/year - and this was lower than expected because we did night time care ourselves. My inlaws didn't have that type of money, so we paid. My spouse and I both work, and our family income was 300,000 at that time. We have 2 kids. We bore the full burden - logistical and financial. The younger siblings didn't have any money or ability to help. It was exhausting.

Eventually the CNAs started cancelling so much that we had to put him in a nursing home. Initially we were horrified and guilt ridden, but then we realized that there actually fewer gaps in coverage, and that the NH was better able to coordinate doctor appointments etc. We are lucky that the NH he lived in had an Indian wing with Indian food, etc. My MIL continued to visit him daily until the day before he died (5 years later).

It wasn't ideal. But not sure our experience was any better or worse than someone entirely at home. It's terrible either way.

[Anonymous]

In Quincy, MA, an area with a high Asian population, there is an Asian-focused nursing home whose mission is to care for the elderly Asian population including many staff who seek Asian and Cantonese, Chinese meals etc. It doesn’t exclude others of course. But it’s the focus population. I don’t know if this is unique.

https://www.southcovemanor.org/our-mission-history/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

Expectations of providing care is a different at many stages of life in some countries. One of my brother's wives was very vocal about the fact that in her country, the grandparents care for young children so the parents can work. Most American grandparents don't want to give up their pickleball and bridge club and travel so they can watch grandchildren full time--why should they expect their adult children/inlaws to drop every thing and care for THEM?

You are characterizing grandparents in a stereotypical way. Or judging them all based upon your own wealthy parents.

I think it is far more common for American grandparents to watch their grandkids than for them to play pickleball and bridge. Many others would love nothing more than to see their grandchildren after school each day.

Sorry that you don’t know people like that. Unless you live in a bubble, they are everywhere.

Agree. One would have had to be a subpar parent, and a terrible grandparent to have the selfish attitude that their activities are more important than family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think traditional Asian families tend to care for their elderly parents at home, if at all possible. It seems only Americans are eager to quickly find ‘a place for mom’ institution. Unless absolutely necessary, the American way is tragic.

Ugh, don’t fall for the myth that home is always better than being in a facility. I’m in lots of family caregiver groups and the stress and resentment towards parents is so high. And many of the children caregivers are late 50’s to well into their 60’s. They have their own health issues. And many are worried they are going to die before their parents because of the stress and no time to take care of their own health.

I have relatives in their mid/late 70s who finally had to move an elderly parent to a facility once she turned 100. They themselves have health issues and just could not manage it anymore. They never expected that when an aging parent moved in at 70 it would be a 30 year commitment.!

Everyone is better off now. The 100 year old has memory care issues and could not be safely left alone. Which was unbearable for her adult child and spouse who are now thankfully able to somewhat enjoy retirement before they are too old to travel anymore.

This is the flip side of the coin of healthcare extending people’s lives. All these extra years of life come with a high cost of caregiving that overlaps with other aging/caregiving. I imagine in historically intergenerational cultures, the life expectancy was not so long and also the elderly parents probably helped out with caregiving for grandchildren. I don’t know many grandparents these days who are providing any sort of day to day care for grandkids. It’s unreasonable to expect people to spend decades of their life raising kids and then the next decades of their life taking care of sick, ailing parents until they themselves are sick and ailing. What a cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Usually, elderly people live with their children or in their own homes with help.

It is interesting how it will pan out for all of us (first gen immigrants) as we age here. My friend who is in her 60s, sold off her house in Frederick after her DH died a few years ago. She bought a house in Bethesda with her married son, where she has her own independent suite and shares the first floor common area in the house. And she has also bought a house with her daughter in Texas. Both of her children could not have afforded their homes in good school districts pyramids without her financial support. She has her own space/home which she has paid for, with both children. She is an extrovert who has her own friend circle, she is helping to raise her grandkids and run the homes (most of it is outsourced but grandma is there to keep an eye on things) and she has in a clever way already helped her kids with their inheritance.

However, right now, she is healthy. Who knows what her situation will be if she becomes infirm. Yes, a lot of logistics of her care (running the household, food, medicines, paying bills) will be easy because she is already staying with her kids, but life is so uncertain. We are watching her life unfold and everyone in our friend's circle is making plans for our own aging. What if we become infirm, disabled, lose our memory, lose our family, our spouse? Yes, it is frightening. But, we do not want to become a burden on our kids and if we live in a joint family we want to add value to our next generation.

Your friend is smart. With rising COL and income inequality, it’s hard enough for millennials (and coming generations) to even buy a home. In my case, my home just fits my family of 5 (and that is with 2 kids sharing a bedroom). I have no idea where we’d place an aging parent. Especially with the stairs in our home. And we make decent money (about 300k). But it was so hard to get on the property ladder. Helping her kids buy homes with space for her and then helping with grandkids is a good way to set herself up with goodwill from her children in old age.

It seems these days too many elderly parents don’t want to help with grandkids or anything else, but then expect their kids somehow owe it to them to care for them in old age. Ummm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Usually, elderly people live with their children or in their own homes with help.

It is interesting how it will pan out for all of us (first gen immigrants) as we age here. My friend who is in her 60s, sold off her house in Frederick after her DH died a few years ago. She bought a house in Bethesda with her married son, where she has her own independent suite and shares the first floor common area in the house. And she has also bought a house with her daughter in Texas. Both of her children could not have afforded their homes in good school districts pyramids without her financial support. She has her own space/home which she has paid for, with both children. She is an extrovert who has her own friend circle, she is helping to raise her grandkids and run the homes (most of it is outsourced but grandma is there to keep an eye on things) and she has in a clever way already helped her kids with their inheritance.

However, right now, she is healthy. Who knows what her situation will be if she becomes infirm. Yes, a lot of logistics of her care (running the household, food, medicines, paying bills) will be easy because she is already staying with her kids, but life is so uncertain. We are watching her life unfold and everyone in our friend's circle is making plans for our own aging. What if we become infirm, disabled, lose our memory, lose our family, our spouse? Yes, it is frightening. But, we do not want to become a burden on our kids and if we live in a joint family we want to add value to our next generation.

Your friend is smart. With rising COL and income inequality, it’s hard enough for millennials (and coming generations) to even buy a home. In my case, my home just fits my family of 5 (and that is with 2 kids sharing a bedroom). I have no idea where we’d place an aging parent. Especially with the stairs in our home. And we make decent money (about 300k). But it was so hard to get on the property ladder. Helping her kids buy homes with space for her and then helping with grandkids is a good way to set herself up with goodwill from her children in old age.

It seems these days too many elderly parents don’t want to help with grandkids or anything else, but then expect their kids somehow owe it to them to care for them in old age. Ummm?

Yes, unfortunately what you are describing is common in Western culture. In Indian culture multi-gen families are common. However, you have no idea what adult kids will do for elderly parents. There are many adult kids who want to abuse the money of elderly parents, use them for childcare and then forget about them. Very common in the west because there is no social pressure to do the right thing regarding elder care.