Do Asian elders typically go to nursing homes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an Asian immigrant and the oldest daughter of my family. My mom prefers to live with me in US but I said no. She has good health insurance in home country and can’t speak English or drive. It’ll be too much of a burden on me as I work full time and my kids are still young. She has her own house but chose to go to a nursing home. I pay for the cost and send her extra money from time to time. Have to admit I feel very guilty not to fulfill her wish, but on the other hand, I don’t want to die before her. It was extremely stressful every time she visited us in US for even a few months.

Feel no guilt, sell her home to pay for her care. Vusit when possible or FaceTime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think traditional Asian families tend to care for their elderly parents at home, if at all possible. It seems only Americans are eager to quickly find ‘a place for mom’ institution. Unless absolutely necessary, the American way is tragic.

You sound unhinged. Dramatic much?

PP, unhinged? Really? YOU are the one that sounds dramatic.

It is very sad how Americans view old age and caring for their parents. It is a tragedy and it's sad that people like you continue to try and normalize the practice of sending parents away to be someone else's problem in old age.

This viewpoint is so fetishized by many posting in these threads. It ignores actual outcomes for some vision of how people want it to be, regardless of how that works out. And, importantly, how that plays out in families along gender lines.

I'd rather look at what actually works, not what allows me to keep an idealized vision of my own perfection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, no. Usually, the biggest problem is food. My Indian grandmother never ate American food, even though she lived in this country for years. To put her in a nursing home where she would suddenly be served food she's never eaten before would be a huge shock, and downright cruel, imo. Maybe if there had been Indian nursing homes in the area, that would have been an option? But there weren't any, so we kept her with us.

Unless there is a language issue, she can live there and you can provide food. They may allow.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The African woman who cared for my elderly mom told me no African would have a stranger care for their parent.

😶

Africa has many countries and cultures and none in the entire continent would have a stranger care for their parent?

I’m surprised! But also maybe they can’t afford it??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

Sounds like that chair is more important to you than your dad. I guess other people just have different priorities!

[Anonymous]

I think keeping elders at home and taking card of them is fine if men and women both can pitch in. My mom lives with my brother but he didn't make it his wife's responsibility. He works from home so he can care for her. Its going to be difficult once she isn't mobile and needs more help as she can't speak English and its not easy to find Hindi speaking home aids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

It must be tough for him and you. For starters, get him diapers to make it easier for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL will not go to a nursing home. She's 83 yo with mild dementia. We hired someone for her at home. She needs someone who speaks Cantonese.

We are an Asian household. I understand it's our obligation, but with work and children, I have no time for anything else. Call me whatever, but we also hired a private in-home caregiver for our elderly parents. We went through an agency called Ayiconnect. They despite the idea of getting sent to a nursing home. The language barrier is also too great.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Never. That would be disgraceful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL will not go to a nursing home. She's 83 yo with mild dementia. We hired someone for her at home. She needs someone who speaks Cantonese.

We are an Asian household. I understand it's our obligation, but with work and children, I have no time for anything else. Call me whatever, but we also hired a private in-home caregiver for our elderly parents. We went through an agency called Ayiconnect. They despite the idea of getting sent to a nursing home. The language barrier is also too great.

DP. There’s also a cultural barrier in a non-Asian nursing home. I think my mom who has dementia and only speaks a foreign language might be easily dismissed or misunderstood, so we have an Asian in-home caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The African woman who cared for my elderly mom told me no African would have a stranger care for their parent.

😶

Africa has many countries and cultures and none in the entire continent would have a stranger care for their parent?

I’m surprised! But also maybe they can’t afford it??

That’s one way to look at it!

That caregiver sounds a little judgy.

[Anonymous]

My Chinese MIL is happy in a nursing home in Rhode Island. There are a few Asians. She always loved American food like McDonald’s and Kentucky fried chicken. We hire a Chinese lady to visit her once a week and take her to her favorite Chinese restaurants. She is happy there and turned down moving out west with her daughter to a beautiful home with mil apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, no. Usually, the biggest problem is food. My Indian grandmother never ate American food, even though she lived in this country for years. To put her in a nursing home where she would suddenly be served food she's never eaten before would be a huge shock, and downright cruel, imo. Maybe if there had been Indian nursing homes in the area, that would have been an option? But there weren't any, so we kept her with us.

Unless there is a language issue, she can live there and you can provide food. They may allow.

We are lucky that now there are so many nursing homes in the US that are designed for Indians! They have staff that speak Hindi, serve Indian food for all meals, etc. They were built based on the high demand; so many more Indians living the the US than previously and most families with dual income, lucrative careers. There was no SAHM to take care of the elderly parents. Win-win for everyone in my opinion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why caring for parents at home works in some countries and not others.

My guess is we eat processed foods, don’t exercise and so on. All of that hurts our health and makes it hard for us to keep moving as we age.

My dad stayed in the house for a long time. My stress level was so high dealing with prescriptions that came due at different times, worrying about them falling, and so on.

At the home, they can handle the prescriptions without running to the cvs four times a month and dad has people to eat with every night.

I do not have to clean poop off of my furniture, which I have done during his visits to my home.

I now carry wipes, gloves, a mask, and extra pants with me when we are out…

So good for anyone who wants to keep mom or dad home. I don’t have the extra space or the money to pay for a new home.

I speak as someone with a poop stain on a favorite chair.

Expectations of providing care is a different at many stages of life in some countries. One of my brother's wives was very vocal about the fact that in her country, the grandparents care for young children so the parents can work. Most American grandparents don't want to give up their pickleball and bridge club and travel so they can watch grandchildren full time--why should they expect their adult children/inlaws to drop every thing and care for THEM?