Those in your 40s and 50s, if you had kids later in life, do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Shit yeah.
If I had kids earlier, they'd be done with college by now. I might actually live long enough to see and help out with grandchildren if I had kids earlier.
If I had kids earlier, I might have been more able to help my aging parents instead of being literally the only one caring for pre-school/K small kids.

Interesting perspective. I am in my early 40s with two kids in Pre-K and 1st. The only empty nesters I know who are my age either got knocked up in high school or college, and most dropped out; life was hard for them and for their kids. I wouldn't trade places with them.

I had mine later in life but I know many college graduates who had their kids in their 20s and have had really great lives. Still married, empty nesters, quite happy. Their kids are happy.

You know lots of 41-year-old happily married empty nesters who are also college graduates and whose kids have graduated college too? BS.

Are you math-challenged? Someone who had kids at 22/23/24/25 will be an empty-nester in their early forties.

If by empty nester you mean your child has graduated college, then no. If the most important thing is getting your kid married off at 18 to make more babies, then yes.

Empty nester is when your kid leaves to go off to college. Or do your kids typically stay at home during college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn’t ask the child’s perspective but I had older parents and it was hard on me. I worried about my dad’s health even when I was in elementary school, people assumed he was my grandfather and he died when I was in college.

I'm sorry for your loss, that sounds very hard.

It sounds like your dad was quite a bit older, though. Most people in this thread are talking about having a kid late 30s or early 40s. This is different than having a child in your late 40s or early 50s, which is rarely even possible for women anyway.

When I was a kid I envied friends who had older parents. My parents were young and very immature and had no money. Friends with older parents lived in nicer homes, their parents were more settled and seemed more mature. I remember some of those friends' parents became mentors/confidants for me when I was a teenager. They seemed like real grown ups and my parents just seemed like overwhelmed college kids.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I grew up with established older parents (mom was 52 and dad 57) and I loved it. Like another poster wrote, my mom and dad were so chill! I was 39 and 41 when I had my kids and also felt ready and relaxed about having them. My dad was retired when I started playing sports and came to every single one of my practices and games. All my friends knew him. My mom continued to work but only part time (therapist) and always had time to be completely involved in my school and PTA. I hope to be the same with my kids.

So your parents were in their 90s when your kids were born? Were they able to do all the typical grandparent things with your kids?

NP, and yes. Took the to the beach and built sandcastles, traveled, watched them for a few weeks each summer.

In THEIR 90s? Liar

It would actually be in their 100s---if Grandpa was 57 when pp was born and she was 41 when she had the baby--he would be 98 or 99 when the younger grandchild was born. Since pp specifies that they watched them "each summer"--it must have happened for at least 2 years...making him 100+

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I grew up with established older parents (mom was 52 and dad 57) and I loved it. Like another poster wrote, my mom and dad were so chill! I was 39 and 41 when I had my kids and also felt ready and relaxed about having them. My dad was retired when I started playing sports and came to every single one of my practices and games. All my friends knew him. My mom continued to work but only part time (therapist) and always had time to be completely involved in my school and PTA. I hope to be the same with my kids.

So your parents were in their 90s when your kids were born? Were they able to do all the typical grandparent things with your kids?

NP here. That seems doubtful but do you really have kids young so they can play with their grandparents? I’d rather give my kids relaxed and established parents. The idea of having a retired dad with teenagers sounds good to me.

NP but, sort of? I had them relatively young for a couple reasons (most importantly because I happened to meet my husband in college), but we are lucky to have one really involved set of grandparents and it’s amazing. We really value those relationships and hope to be active grandparents one day too.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I replied above and am happy to be an older mom, but I would also say that if money is the only thing holding you back, just do it. If you are homeless, then wait, but if you are just trying to save for a house or trying to feel more financially secure-just do it. Having a baby is always a risk, but you will figure out your money. My partner and I did not have high salaries or maternity leave, then we had a 1/2 million dollar preemie and I was in the hospital for over two weeks. Then our car died and we had 20k in medical debt. It sucked but we managed (with no help from family).

Agree with this. I just posted about waiting because I married late but I would not have waited barring being totally broke if I had married earlier.

Also agree! You just don’t know if you will have fertility problems until you try. I had my youngest when I was 36 (which seemed fine at the time) but now he’s 8 and it feels like long road until he even graduates high school. I love my kids but they really take a lot of energy.

I think one of the worst parts about delaying to mid/late 30s (whether you intended or not) is feeling rushed to have #2. I see late 30s moms with an 18 month old and newborn and just feel exhausted looking at them …

I was that mom with a newborn and 22 month old. It was exhausting the first year, but now at 5 and 7 they're best friends and play together for hours. They have all the same interests and extracurriculars, so I'm not rushing around to so many different activities. I would say in the long term it's much easier than a 4+ age gap.

fine but nobody should be forced to do that because they were trying to save for a down payment. and of course risk of developmental disabilities rises with age. I know lots of 40-something parents with a closely-spaced autistic sibling.

My college roommate had her kids at 25 and 27--and the second child has autism. it can happen at any age.

Would you shut up with that? Everyone know this already and no one said only older mothers have kids with autism. Shut up! It’s the risk goes up as the mother ages with pregnancy. Stupid.

Wow, you are rude! I really hope you do not have kids to pass that on to.

At least I won’t pass down the trait of stupidity that you have and that hopefully you won’t have a kid to pass it to.

And you continue on with your rudeness.

As well as you.

Nope, I'm good.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I replied above and am happy to be an older mom, but I would also say that if money is the only thing holding you back, just do it. If you are homeless, then wait, but if you are just trying to save for a house or trying to feel more financially secure-just do it. Having a baby is always a risk, but you will figure out your money. My partner and I did not have high salaries or maternity leave, then we had a 1/2 million dollar preemie and I was in the hospital for over two weeks. Then our car died and we had 20k in medical debt. It sucked but we managed (with no help from family).

Agree with this. I just posted about waiting because I married late but I would not have waited barring being totally broke if I had married earlier.

Also agree! You just don’t know if you will have fertility problems until you try. I had my youngest when I was 36 (which seemed fine at the time) but now he’s 8 and it feels like long road until he even graduates high school. I love my kids but they really take a lot of energy.

I think one of the worst parts about delaying to mid/late 30s (whether you intended or not) is feeling rushed to have #2. I see late 30s moms with an 18 month old and newborn and just feel exhausted looking at them …

I was that mom with a newborn and 22 month old. It was exhausting the first year, but now at 5 and 7 they're best friends and play together for hours. They have all the same interests and extracurriculars, so I'm not rushing around to so many different activities. I would say in the long term it's much easier than a 4+ age gap.

fine but nobody should be forced to do that because they were trying to save for a down payment. and of course risk of developmental disabilities rises with age. I know lots of 40-something parents with a closely-spaced autistic sibling.

My college roommate had her kids at 25 and 27--and the second child has autism. it can happen at any age.

Would you shut up with that? Everyone know this already and no one said only older mothers have kids with autism. Shut up! It’s the risk goes up as the mother ages with pregnancy. Stupid.

Wow, you are rude! I really hope you do not have kids to pass that on to.

NP. The irony is that you are equally and maybe even more rude to use a child as a prop with your insult.

Your opinion I guess. I do not see it as "equally or even more rude" than calling someone "stupid" and saying "shut up" multiple times. If I were your mother (or the other posters mom) I'd be ashamed.

Not only do you use children as a prop, you use parents as well. You are shameful.

No. I don't go around calling people names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with established older parents (mom was 52 and dad 57) and I loved it. Like another poster wrote, my mom and dad were so chill! I was 39 and 41 when I had my kids and also felt ready and relaxed about having them. My dad was retired when I started playing sports and came to every single one of my practices and games. All my friends knew him. My mom continued to work but only part time (therapist) and always had time to be completely involved in my school and PTA. I hope to be the same with my kids.

You are lucky! Average life expectancy in the US when you were a kid was early 70s. Not a gamble I'd choose to make, to have my life expectancy age be before my kid was even out of the house, but to each his own!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Shit yeah.
If I had kids earlier, they'd be done with college by now. I might actually live long enough to see and help out with grandchildren if I had kids earlier.
If I had kids earlier, I might have been more able to help my aging parents instead of being literally the only one caring for pre-school/K small kids.

Interesting perspective. I am in my early 40s with two kids in Pre-K and 1st. The only empty nesters I know who are my age either got knocked up in high school or college, and most dropped out; life was hard for them and for their kids. I wouldn't trade places with them.

I had mine later in life but I know many college graduates who had their kids in their 20s and have had really great lives. Still married, empty nesters, quite happy. Their kids are happy.

You know lots of 41-year-old happily married empty nesters who are also college graduates and whose kids have graduated college too? BS.

Are you math-challenged? Someone who had kids at 22/23/24/25 will be an empty-nester in their early forties.

If by empty nester you mean your child has graduated college, then no. If the most important thing is getting your kid married off at 18 to make more babies, then yes.

Empty nester is when your kid leaves to go off to college. Or do your kids typically stay at home during college?

If the dorms are closed then what does your kid do in the summer? They must be in off-campus housing at a state school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had our singleton at 36 and it's been great (although I know lots of other timings are great for others). Kid will graduate college about a year before we are ready to retire which to me seems like good timing.

Good luck! There are plenty of good reasons to postpone having children but there are also ways of making it work.

+1 exactly. I like that I had a fulfilling career and could then stay home and make that my new career (no mommy wars, please, just stating what worked for me). I am more patient and appreciative of DD because it took us five years of trying to have her. We have means and maturity, and we’ll still (hopefully) have many young-enough years to travel and enjoy ourselves when she’s in college. Kind of the best of both worlds IMO. I won’t be a young grandma, though, and I could see that being a sadness if my own child waits to have kids until we are quite old.

[Anonymous]

Had both kids in my 40s. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Had my youngest at 38. (Older was at age 31.) It sucked ass. Would never recommend it

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Shit yeah.
If I had kids earlier, they'd be done with college by now. I might actually live long enough to see and help out with grandchildren if I had kids earlier.
If I had kids earlier, I might have been more able to help my aging parents instead of being literally the only one caring for pre-school/K small kids.

Interesting perspective. I am in my early 40s with two kids in Pre-K and 1st. The only empty nesters I know who are my age either got knocked up in high school or college, and most dropped out; life was hard for them and for their kids. I wouldn't trade places with them.

I had mine later in life but I know many college graduates who had their kids in their 20s and have had really great lives. Still married, empty nesters, quite happy. Their kids are happy.

You know lots of 41-year-old happily married empty nesters who are also college graduates and whose kids have graduated college too? BS.

Where did I say they’re 41? I didn’t.

I’m 55 and didn’t grow up here. You realize not everywhere is like DC, right?

You responded to the early 40s poster with an irrelevant post. I know lots of people who had kids in their 20s and are empty nesters now in their 50s too, but that's not what the post was about.

The OP is asking about the experiences of people in their 40s and 50s. She’s asking about regrets. The PP is barely in her 40s and has young kids, but it was okay for her to answer, right? Having had kids around 40 and being in my 50s, is it okay with you if I share my perspective, or no?

I know we all like to pretend our DC experience is universal, but it’s not. I know we all like to assume our kids will have a smooth path to college and independent adulthood, but they don’t. I felt very differently about this at 41 with a toddler than I do now. But by all means, shut me down so the OP doesn’t hear a different perspective.

Sure, you're allowed to comment on the thread. When you want to make a new post that is unrelated to another, be sure not to use the quote function. Nobody's trying to shut you down because you're an older mom who doesn't like being an older mom.

I love being an older mom because I love being a mom to my particular kids. That doesn’t mean there aren’t downsides. You don’t need to denigrate people to feel good about your own life. Just let us share our perspectives, in case they’re helpful to the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with established older parents (mom was 52 and dad 57) and I loved it. Like another poster wrote, my mom and dad were so chill! I was 39 and 41 when I had my kids and also felt ready and relaxed about having them. My dad was retired when I started playing sports and came to every single one of my practices and games. All my friends knew him. My mom continued to work but only part time (therapist) and always had time to be completely involved in my school and PTA. I hope to be the same with my kids.

Your mother was 52 when you were born? Did your parents adopt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with established older parents (mom was 52 and dad 57) and I loved it. Like another poster wrote, my mom and dad were so chill! I was 39 and 41 when I had my kids and also felt ready and relaxed about having them. My dad was retired when I started playing sports and came to every single one of my practices and games. All my friends knew him. My mom continued to work but only part time (therapist) and always had time to be completely involved in my school and PTA. I hope to be the same with my kids.

Your mother was 52 when you were born? Did your parents adopt?

Yes! Obviously!! Should I have mentioned that?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You didn’t ask the child’s perspective but I had older parents and it was hard on me. I worried about my dad’s health even when I was in elementary school, people assumed he was my grandfather and he died when I was in college.

What age when he died?

My dad was 51 when he had me and 71 when he died. My mom was an older mom (for that time) when she had me at 37. She has also died.