Why American teens are so sad - four main takeaways

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:For us it's clear that there is much, much, much less face to face interaction with other kids. My son, in high school, goes out with friends every once in a while. Mostly, though, his friends are happy enough to stay home and play PS4 virtually with each other. When he does go out, it's usually disappointing because other people he wants to see have decided to stay home and play video games. My Middle School daughter - when she sees her friends, they are generally comparing Instagrams or chatting with other people online while hanging out. We used to wander the neighborhoods looking for other people to hang out with and then we would actually talk and play games and whatever.

This exactly! Also kids aren't allowed to just be kids anymore

yea, my 16 yr old DS would much rather be out with friends than playing video games, but so many teens would rather stay home and play video games. Hello, future incel in the making.

My 13 yr old DD and I chat a lot about instagram, social media, and how fake they are, kind of like how before social media, girls had to be aware that all of those pictures of models were heavily airbrushed.

IMO, kids who are more engaged socially with other kids, do fun activities outside of the home, and have a good relationship with their parents are those who are better adjusted. It can't be all work, and no play. And I say this as a parent of a magnet student.

Yeah I think this is what I don't understand about screens is why kids now prefer them over being with friends in a person. Don't get me wrong, video games are fun, I played them, but I wouldn't say I preferred them. Growing up, you couldn't keep me inside.

The reality is that is not safe any more for young women to go outside and run/bike alone.

This is not true. It is much SAFER today than it was when we were younger.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it's clear that there is much, much, much less face to face interaction with other kids. My son, in high school, goes out with friends every once in a while. Mostly, though, his friends are happy enough to stay home and play PS4 virtually with each other. When he does go out, it's usually disappointing because other people he wants to see have decided to stay home and play video games. My Middle School daughter - when she sees her friends, they are generally comparing Instagrams or chatting with other people online while hanging out. We used to wander the neighborhoods looking for other people to hang out with and then we would actually talk and play games and whatever.

This exactly! Also kids aren't allowed to just be kids anymore

yea, my 16 yr old DS would much rather be out with friends than playing video games, but so many teens would rather stay home and play video games. Hello, future incel in the making.

My 13 yr old DD and I chat a lot about instagram, social media, and how fake they are, kind of like how before social media, girls had to be aware that all of those pictures of models were heavily airbrushed.

IMO, kids who are more engaged socially with other kids, do fun activities outside of the home, and have a good relationship with their parents are those who are better adjusted. It can't be all work, and no play. And I say this as a parent of a magnet student.

Yeah I think this is what I don't understand about screens is why kids now prefer them over being with friends in a person. Don't get me wrong, video games are fun, I played them, but I wouldn't say I preferred them. Growing up, you couldn't keep me inside.

The reality is that is not safe any more for young women to go outside and run/bike alone.

This is not true. It is much SAFER today than it was when we were younger.

+100 Any parent who seriously thinks it’s safer for a young woman to be home staring at their phone than to be outside exercising alone is absolutely part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has everything to do with lazy helicopter parenting.

Easier to do for them than to teach/expect them how to do it on their own.

Easier to justify and excuse poor behaviors than spend the time on expectations and follow-thru when expectations are not met.

Easier to baby/friend them than truly parent them. Easier to keep them home and justify it’s safer to not go to park on their own - and then give them a screen to sit in front of instead.

This leads to decrease autonomy, lack of street smarts, low confidence, poor social skills, terrible executive functioning, and no patience or attention to anything around them. All of this leads to lack of empathy, abnormal social behaviors, high anxiety, and depression.

Thanks Janet.

You sound very judgy and overbearing, which would make me feel very sad if I was your kid.

The point of the article is that there is not one black and white reason that explains everything for this wide spread phenom of teenage depression.

Modern parenting is part of it for sure but not all of it - clearly the rural poster where the other 3 factors were not an issue laid the blame at the feet of prevalence of social media. Clearly, in DMV social pressures are part of the problem. In some areas such as West Virginia, opioid and other addictions play major role.

Also there is no one perfect way of parenting teens. Anyone with more than one child knows what works for one may not work for another. Further there is competing advice to parents and people have to figure out for themselves what works for their families.

It is helpful to know we are not alone and that there are different parenting strategies that might help. Harshly judging all parents of teens as misguided is not helping anyone.

DP. This kind of thinking, while maybe true, is at the heart of so much general anxiety in our culture, though. The internet has made everyone think they’re an expert, that they’ve stumbled upon an article that explains everything, that they’ve diagnosed themselves or their kids, that they’ve found a way to live their truth. But this illusion of control and understanding has completely undermined the various institutions that used to be the bulwarks of a polite, functioning society.

Personally, hearing about yet another “parenting strategy” doesn’t make me feel better. Somehow humans got along for millennia without consciously considering these things.

We didn’t have any choice but to consider different strategies. What worked well for older DC as teen does not work for younger DC.

The pandemic happened and all our strict rules about social media and phone use went out the window. That was only link to social life for a long time. Many others report similar problems - very hard to put the genie back in the bottle.

Younger DC also very different personality and is not Motivated by same incentives.

We do some things similarly (discipline with eating dinner at table Every night and trying to support RL social friendships as much as possible. But we have needed to adjust many strategies to meet younger DC where they are.

I wish the pandemic and social media explosion had not happened but we have to deal with reality as it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it's clear that there is much, much, much less face to face interaction with other kids. My son, in high school, goes out with friends every once in a while. Mostly, though, his friends are happy enough to stay home and play PS4 virtually with each other. When he does go out, it's usually disappointing because other people he wants to see have decided to stay home and play video games. My Middle School daughter - when she sees her friends, they are generally comparing Instagrams or chatting with other people online while hanging out. We used to wander the neighborhoods looking for other people to hang out with and then we would actually talk and play games and whatever.

This exactly! Also kids aren't allowed to just be kids anymore

yea, my 16 yr old DS would much rather be out with friends than playing video games, but so many teens would rather stay home and play video games. Hello, future incel in the making.

My 13 yr old DD and I chat a lot about instagram, social media, and how fake they are, kind of like how before social media, girls had to be aware that all of those pictures of models were heavily airbrushed.

IMO, kids who are more engaged socially with other kids, do fun activities outside of the home, and have a good relationship with their parents are those who are better adjusted. It can't be all work, and no play. And I say this as a parent of a magnet student.

Yeah I think this is what I don't understand about screens is why kids now prefer them over being with friends in a person. Don't get me wrong, video games are fun, I played them, but I wouldn't say I preferred them. Growing up, you couldn't keep me inside.

The reality is that is not safe any more for young women to go outside and run/bike alone.

This is not true. It is much SAFER today than it was when we were younger.

+100 Any parent who seriously thinks it’s safer for a young woman to be home staring at their phone than to be outside exercising alone is absolutely part of the problem.

Yes!!!

The stats always show everything is safer and crime/kidnapping etc... is lower. The problem is yet again - worldwide immediate access to click worthy articles of abduction, sex rings, etc... and idiot parents think how scary and unsafe the world is now.

Parents are so addicted to the Internet, screens, and immediate gratification just like their kids.

So many won’t even let their kids leave the house without a screen. Use lifetime 360 and justify my Larla needs a phone at 9. 😂

[Anonymous]

Best thing I did was send my daughter to a private school that does not allow cell phones.

They have limited computer time as well


I have heard parents rationalize kids have to have cell phones for school shootings. Just wow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it's clear that there is much, much, much less face to face interaction with other kids. My son, in high school, goes out with friends every once in a while. Mostly, though, his friends are happy enough to stay home and play PS4 virtually with each other. When he does go out, it's usually disappointing because other people he wants to see have decided to stay home and play video games. My Middle School daughter - when she sees her friends, they are generally comparing Instagrams or chatting with other people online while hanging out. We used to wander the neighborhoods looking for other people to hang out with and then we would actually talk and play games and whatever.

This exactly! Also kids aren't allowed to just be kids anymore

yea, my 16 yr old DS would much rather be out with friends than playing video games, but so many teens would rather stay home and play video games. Hello, future incel in the making.

My 13 yr old DD and I chat a lot about instagram, social media, and how fake they are, kind of like how before social media, girls had to be aware that all of those pictures of models were heavily airbrushed.

IMO, kids who are more engaged socially with other kids, do fun activities outside of the home, and have a good relationship with their parents are those who are better adjusted. It can't be all work, and no play. And I say this as a parent of a magnet student.

Yeah I think this is what I don't understand about screens is why kids now prefer them over being with friends in a person. Don't get me wrong, video games are fun, I played them, but I wouldn't say I preferred them. Growing up, you couldn't keep me inside.

The reality is that is not safe any more for young women to go outside and run/bike alone.

This is not true. It is much SAFER today than it was when we were younger.

+100 Any parent who seriously thinks it’s safer for a young woman to be home staring at their phone than to be outside exercising alone is absolutely part of the problem.

Yes!!!

The stats always show everything is safer and crime/kidnapping etc... is lower. The problem is yet again - worldwide immediate access to click worthy articles of abduction, sex rings, etc... and idiot parents think how scary and unsafe the world is now.

Parents are so addicted to the Internet, screens, and immediate gratification just like their kids.

So many won’t even let their kids leave the house without a screen. Use lifetime 360 and justify my Larla needs a phone at 9. 😂

Yep. I have an eighth grader who just got a phone a few months ago, but her friends who got phones in elementary school are so zonked out on their screens, it is just so incredibly depressing to see what has happened to them. One’s neck is permanently bent over from looking down towards her phone so much. Apparently this is a thing that pediatricians are seeing more and more of. “Nerd neck,” I believe it’s called. I don’t care for the name, but I’ve seen it in real life. What an absolute shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thing I did was send my daughter to a private school that does not allow cell phones.

They have limited computer time as well


I have heard parents rationalize kids have to have cell phones for school shootings. Just wow

Curious as to how old your daugther is? A boy in my kid's class that did not get a phone until high school is now on every bad site out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Also, the teen birth rate is at a record low, re: teens moving in a positive direction.

Hmm also likely means less sex and relationships which may be contributing to sadness

By relationships do you only mean dating? I personally prefer that my child not date or be sexually active as a teen. I can’t prevent it of course, but I would prefer that.

No dating at all?

I said “prefer.” Of course they will likely date and I won’t be a roadblock to that. But I’d still prefer if they didn’t in high school.

That's too bad - young love is one of life's great experiences IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it's clear that there is much, much, much less face to face interaction with other kids. My son, in high school, goes out with friends every once in a while. Mostly, though, his friends are happy enough to stay home and play PS4 virtually with each other. When he does go out, it's usually disappointing because other people he wants to see have decided to stay home and play video games. My Middle School daughter - when she sees her friends, they are generally comparing Instagrams or chatting with other people online while hanging out. We used to wander the neighborhoods looking for other people to hang out with and then we would actually talk and play games and whatever.

This exactly! Also kids aren't allowed to just be kids anymore

yea, my 16 yr old DS would much rather be out with friends than playing video games, but so many teens would rather stay home and play video games. Hello, future incel in the making.

My 13 yr old DD and I chat a lot about instagram, social media, and how fake they are, kind of like how before social media, girls had to be aware that all of those pictures of models were heavily airbrushed.

IMO, kids who are more engaged socially with other kids, do fun activities outside of the home, and have a good relationship with their parents are those who are better adjusted. It can't be all work, and no play. And I say this as a parent of a magnet student.

Yeah I think this is what I don't understand about screens is why kids now prefer them over being with friends in a person. Don't get me wrong, video games are fun, I played them, but I wouldn't say I preferred them. Growing up, you couldn't keep me inside.

The reality is that is not safe any more for young women to go outside and run/bike alone.

This is not true. It is much SAFER today than it was when we were younger.

+100 Any parent who seriously thinks it’s safer for a young woman to be home staring at their phone than to be outside exercising alone is absolutely part of the problem.

Literally no one said that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it's clear that there is much, much, much less face to face interaction with other kids. My son, in high school, goes out with friends every once in a while. Mostly, though, his friends are happy enough to stay home and play PS4 virtually with each other. When he does go out, it's usually disappointing because other people he wants to see have decided to stay home and play video games. My Middle School daughter - when she sees her friends, they are generally comparing Instagrams or chatting with other people online while hanging out. We used to wander the neighborhoods looking for other people to hang out with and then we would actually talk and play games and whatever.

This exactly! Also kids aren't allowed to just be kids anymore

yea, my 16 yr old DS would much rather be out with friends than playing video games, but so many teens would rather stay home and play video games. Hello, future incel in the making.

My 13 yr old DD and I chat a lot about instagram, social media, and how fake they are, kind of like how before social media, girls had to be aware that all of those pictures of models were heavily airbrushed.

IMO, kids who are more engaged socially with other kids, do fun activities outside of the home, and have a good relationship with their parents are those who are better adjusted. It can't be all work, and no play. And I say this as a parent of a magnet student.

Yeah I think this is what I don't understand about screens is why kids now prefer them over being with friends in a person. Don't get me wrong, video games are fun, I played them, but I wouldn't say I preferred them. Growing up, you couldn't keep me inside.

The reality is that is not safe any more for young women to go outside and run/bike alone.

This is not true. It is much SAFER today than it was when we were younger.

+100 Any parent who seriously thinks it’s safer for a young woman to be home staring at their phone than to be outside exercising alone is absolutely part of the problem.

Literally no one said that.

Do tell, what was the poster who typed “The reality is that is not safe any more for young women to go outside and run/bike alone.” replying to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it's clear that there is much, much, much less face to face interaction with other kids. My son, in high school, goes out with friends every once in a while. Mostly, though, his friends are happy enough to stay home and play PS4 virtually with each other. When he does go out, it's usually disappointing because other people he wants to see have decided to stay home and play video games. My Middle School daughter - when she sees her friends, they are generally comparing Instagrams or chatting with other people online while hanging out. We used to wander the neighborhoods looking for other people to hang out with and then we would actually talk and play games and whatever.

This exactly! Also kids aren't allowed to just be kids anymore

yea, my 16 yr old DS would much rather be out with friends than playing video games, but so many teens would rather stay home and play video games. Hello, future incel in the making.

My 13 yr old DD and I chat a lot about instagram, social media, and how fake they are, kind of like how before social media, girls had to be aware that all of those pictures of models were heavily airbrushed.

IMO, kids who are more engaged socially with other kids, do fun activities outside of the home, and have a good relationship with their parents are those who are better adjusted. It can't be all work, and no play. And I say this as a parent of a magnet student.

Yeah I think this is what I don't understand about screens is why kids now prefer them over being with friends in a person. Don't get me wrong, video games are fun, I played them, but I wouldn't say I preferred them. Growing up, you couldn't keep me inside.

The reality is that is not safe any more for young women to go outside and run/bike alone.

This is not true. It is much SAFER today than it was when we were younger.

+100 Any parent who seriously thinks it’s safer for a young woman to be home staring at their phone than to be outside exercising alone is absolutely part of the problem.

Agree.

Back to the basics people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing I did was send my daughter to a private school that does not allow cell phones.

They have limited computer time as well


I have heard parents rationalize kids have to have cell phones for school shootings. Just wow

Curious as to how old your daugther is? A boy in my kid's class that did not get a phone until high school is now on every bad site out there.

What does that have to do with anything? You don’t think staring at a screen all day from K-12th has repercussions? So the boy is on all the “bad sites” at age 15 instead of 8? How is that a bad thing? LOL

Not the PP, but my daughter’s school they must be locked in the lockers. If seen (not even being used) they get AM detention, meaning the parents have to drive them in an hour before school starts. It works amazingly well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing I did was send my daughter to a private school that does not allow cell phones.

They have limited computer time as well


I have heard parents rationalize kids have to have cell phones for school shootings. Just wow

Curious as to how old your daugther is? A boy in my kid's class that did not get a phone until high school is now on every bad site out there.

What does that have to do with anything? You don’t think staring at a screen all day from K-12th has repercussions? So the boy is on all the “bad sites” at age 15 instead of 8? How is that a bad thing? LOL

Not the PP, but my daughter’s school they must be locked in the lockers. If seen (not even being used) they get AM detention, meaning the parents have to drive them in an hour before school starts. It works amazingly well.

I have not idea why phones are not banned in all public schools. There is absolutely no reason for them and they are a huge distraction. I was SHOCKED when our elementary school started to allow them. And why? Because moms wanted a way to reach their kid? Like um no. CALL THE SCHOOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of everything discussed and listed, imo as someone who works with high risk kids, it is this:

4. Modern parenting strategies

The #s 1, 2 and 3 of your list (the use of social media, the lack of socialization, and the inability of kids to flex) all comes down to poor parenting. Modern parents aren't modeling these behaviors the way they should.

Can you elaborate though? Because the main complaint I hear about modern parenting strategies is that it’s too involved, too child focused, too many activities, to many restrictions, etc. That parents are too involved, make things too easy, etc. But the other stuff on this list pretty much requires a highly involved approach. You are not restricting social media, getting your kids socializing more, if you aren’t highly involved. The societal pressure on kids is intense so I think many parents step in to try to create a buffer and allow their kids to have more of an extended childhood, but then get accused of coddling.

I think it’s really hard to parent right now, but especially teens. I also feel like the DMV feels like an especially bad environment for it. We’re looking at moving somewhere more rural possibly because it might enable a more safe and relaxed teenagerhood. But we don’t want them isolated. I just don’t know.

Aren’t the indicators for sadness and direction pretty universally going up for teens, not just in the “helicopter” upper middle class kids, and across the country?

My friend runs a mindfulness program at Cumberland University, a rural school about 40 minutes outside of Nashville. Many kids are the first generation to go to college. She sees a lot of what is described in the article and talks about the helicopter parenting and kids' inability to handle anything thrown at them because things have been handled for them. It's not just an UMC problem.

Yep. We were learning to on board at life at 14. Today's kids feel helpless because their parents don't let them have any success at life when they are young.

It’s the opposite…they don’t let kids fail. And this sets kids up for being very scared of failure and feeling helpless when they go out into the world.

I think this is true and that it's been happening for a while, and not just to kids. It's not just parents making it happen either. I don't know about other countries, but Americans are very uncomfortable with the concept of failure, or even the idea that you do something and be mediocre and have it still be worthwhile. We're an extremely success driven culture and there's intense pressure on young people not only to be successful in life but to do so on their first try, without much strife or challenge first. It's a weird and soulless approach to life that is more about bragging rights (being the first, the youngest, the best) than it is about living a rich and full life.

Failure, pain, suffering, disappointment... these aren't just unfortunate things that poor people have to deal with. They are necessary parts of the human experience. Without them life feels empty because it's hard to appreciate anything. Not just the victories but just the stuff of survival -- a good nights sleep, a pleasant meal with friends or family, good weather for your walk to work. People are so impatient and ungrateful, and I think it's because they are looking for perfection and don't understand that you won't find joy in perfection. You find it in appreciating life despite its many imperfections. So no imperfections, no failure, no mistakes... no joy.

Love this! And totally true. As my DS is facing being cut from his "prestige" soccer club this year, and probably won't make the JV soccer team in HS, I'm sad that he'll be devastated, but at the same time, happy that this is probably the worst thing that has happened in his young life and that he's learning a really good life lesson. I remember crying and crying in 10th grade because I wasn't voted as president of a student club. It was my first devastating blow, but agree that these are necessary parts of being human, allowing us to appreciate the victories more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thing I did was send my daughter to a private school that does not allow cell phones.

They have limited computer time as well


I have heard parents rationalize kids have to have cell phones for school shootings. Just wow

Curious as to how old your daugther is? A boy in my kid's class that did not get a phone until high school is now on every bad site out there.

What does that have to do with anything? You don’t think staring at a screen all day from K-12th has repercussions? So the boy is on all the “bad sites” at age 15 instead of 8? How is that a bad thing? LOL

Not the PP, but my daughter’s school they must be locked in the lockers. If seen (not even being used) they get AM detention, meaning the parents have to drive them in an hour before school starts. It works amazingly well.

I have not idea why phones are not banned in all public schools. There is absolutely no reason for them and they are a huge distraction. I was SHOCKED when our elementary school started to allow them. And why? Because moms wanted a way to reach their kid? Like um no. CALL THE SCHOOL

I am also surprised they are not banned at least during school hours. The only reason you would really need one is to tell a parent a practice was cancelled or something and you could do that after school is over and just wait for them to pick you up.