How do "cool kids" become "cool"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are born cool. Honestly.

Yes. I was not cool but was friendly with the cool kids. I have a cool child. It’s innate.

Like Dylan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think cool and popular are two very different things. For those who remember Beverly Hills, 90210: Steve Sanders was popular while Dylan McKay was cool.

So true!

Dylan was a loser.

No way! Dylan was the epitome of cool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think cool and popular are two very different things. For those who remember Beverly Hills, 90210: Steve Sanders was popular while Dylan McKay was cool.

So true!

Dylan was a loser.

No way! Dylan was the epitome of cool!

Some people were damaged in high school by not being cool or popular and still carry a grudge to this day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a heavy race/class component to this in our ES right now. Most of the kids don't seem that concerned yet or overly cliquish, but there is one group of girls that is playing with ranking/excluding others, defining themselves as a group and calling themselves "popular." I harbor no ill will-- they're just kids. But it's certainly notable that they are all of a certain class and virtually all of a certain race. I don't think this is even typical at our school, but it seems to have taken root in one year's cohort.

To answer the question about my school when I was that age, I think it was 1) preternatural social awareness (used for both good and ill), 2) genuine confidence, and 3) looks as a distant, but still significant, third. I remember there being 4 girls that were the solidly popular girls in the class (with 2-3 more on the periphery), and 3 of the 4 were quite pretty, but the ~Queen Bee just wasn't, really. Athletics didn't come into it at all, as I recall. There wasn't much correlation with stage of puberty, either.

As for the group at my kid's school, at least in her grade, I genuinely see no other connection, no other shared attributes or distinctions but race and class. I also don't know to what extent other kids actually consider them popular, though. I think their behavior/self-definition has had some influence, maybe slightly raised their social status on average, but the whole thing is probably ignored completely by half or more of the other kids.

That's 100% on their moms.

You blame the moms instead of the Disney channel or movies or YouTube? I mean letting your kids watch that stuff is on both parents. I can't imagine too many moms are out their preaching it, or maybe that's a suburban thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being socially savvy, advanced, earlier puberty development combined with usually having more access to the interests of older kids (music, social media etc).

However, this isn't always good at younger ages. Being precocious and daring often leads to poor choices. I'll take a nerd any day lol. My daughter seems to check a lot of the above boxes but she's not super interested in the cool kids (she's in 8th grade). She says the cool kids skip school and are now dating, drinking, vaping, having sex. These kids were "cool" in a regular way in 6th grade. Its interesting. I read this and it makes sense:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/privileged-pressured/201809/middle-school-popularity-can-backfire-over-time

This is a good point and one reason I'd worry if my kids were too popular. I actually think they're incredibly cool people, but they're definitely not popular in a stereotypical sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the cool kids in middle and high school blossomed early and went on to be lame adults. Not so bad to blossom late and to spend more time developing a few good friends and passions with no concern for public opinion.

I agree. My brother in law was very cool in high school. Now he’s fifty and living off his parents. A total loser. Usually the cool kids in high school do drugs.

I went to a few of my high school reunions and experienced this big time. My nerdy friend and I were all doing interesting things, while most of the cool kids never left town. They seemed so wistful and spent most of their time reminiscing about "the good old days." My friends and I reminisced, too, but not one of us felt sad about no longer being in high school. One of my super shy nerdy wallflower friends blossomed into a head-turner-could-be-a-model. She barely spoke to anyone outside our group in school and at the reunion no one knew who she was!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a heavy race/class component to this in our ES right now. Most of the kids don't seem that concerned yet or overly cliquish, but there is one group of girls that is playing with ranking/excluding others, defining themselves as a group and calling themselves "popular." I harbor no ill will-- they're just kids. But it's certainly notable that they are all of a certain class and virtually all of a certain race. I don't think this is even typical at our school, but it seems to have taken root in one year's cohort.

To answer the question about my school when I was that age, I think it was 1) preternatural social awareness (used for both good and ill), 2) genuine confidence, and 3) looks as a distant, but still significant, third. I remember there being 4 girls that were the solidly popular girls in the class (with 2-3 more on the periphery), and 3 of the 4 were quite pretty, but the ~Queen Bee just wasn't, really. Athletics didn't come into it at all, as I recall. There wasn't much correlation with stage of puberty, either.

As for the group at my kid's school, at least in her grade, I genuinely see no other connection, no other shared attributes or distinctions but race and class. I also don't know to what extent other kids actually consider them popular, though. I think their behavior/self-definition has had some influence, maybe slightly raised their social status on average, but the whole thing is probably ignored completely by half or more of the other kids.

That's 100% on their moms.

You blame the moms instead of the Disney channel or movies or YouTube? I mean letting your kids watch that stuff is on both parents. I can't imagine too many moms are out their preaching it, or maybe that's a suburban thing.

If you think a lot of moms aren't concerned w/ making sure their kid is popular, you are in delusional. There are a lot of competitive moms that want to ensure their little sweetie is in the cool group. This means making strategic decisions about who they socialize with (moms & kids) and what activities they participate in and who they invite to parties, etc. Very engineered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the cool kids in middle and high school blossomed early and went on to be lame adults. Not so bad to blossom late and to spend more time developing a few good friends and passions with no concern for public opinion.

I agree. My brother in law was very cool in high school. Now he’s fifty and living off his parents. A total loser. Usually the cool kids in high school do drugs.

I went to a few of my high school reunions and experienced this big time. My nerdy friend and I were all doing interesting things, while most of the cool kids never left town. They seemed so wistful and spent most of their time reminiscing about "the good old days." My friends and I reminisced, too, but not one of us felt sad about no longer being in high school. One of my super shy nerdy wallflower friends blossomed into a head-turner-could-be-a-model. She barely spoke to anyone outside our group in school and at the reunion no one knew who she was!

I was cool and popular but I have no interest in going to a high school reunion. Those days are long past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a heavy race/class component to this in our ES right now. Most of the kids don't seem that concerned yet or overly cliquish, but there is one group of girls that is playing with ranking/excluding others, defining themselves as a group and calling themselves "popular." I harbor no ill will-- they're just kids. But it's certainly notable that they are all of a certain class and virtually all of a certain race. I don't think this is even typical at our school, but it seems to have taken root in one year's cohort.

To answer the question about my school when I was that age, I think it was 1) preternatural social awareness (used for both good and ill), 2) genuine confidence, and 3) looks as a distant, but still significant, third. I remember there being 4 girls that were the solidly popular girls in the class (with 2-3 more on the periphery), and 3 of the 4 were quite pretty, but the ~Queen Bee just wasn't, really. Athletics didn't come into it at all, as I recall. There wasn't much correlation with stage of puberty, either.

As for the group at my kid's school, at least in her grade, I genuinely see no other connection, no other shared attributes or distinctions but race and class. I also don't know to what extent other kids actually consider them popular, though. I think their behavior/self-definition has had some influence, maybe slightly raised their social status on average, but the whole thing is probably ignored completely by half or more of the other kids.

That's 100% on their moms.

You blame the moms instead of the Disney channel or movies or YouTube? I mean letting your kids watch that stuff is on both parents. I can't imagine too many moms are out their preaching it, or maybe that's a suburban thing.

If you think a lot of moms aren't concerned w/ making sure their kid is popular, you are in delusional. There are a lot of competitive moms that want to ensure their little sweetie is in the cool group. This means making strategic decisions about who they socialize with (moms & kids) and what activities they participate in and who they invite to parties, etc. Very engineered.

I honestly don't see this at my diverse DC charter school where my kids go and I used to work. Do I see it among the kids? Certainly, 100 percent they know who is cool and who is not. The boys are somewhat clueless about how they got there. The girls seem far more intentional about popularity, especially in fifth grade. But the parents? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the cool kids in middle and high school blossomed early and went on to be lame adults. Not so bad to blossom late and to spend more time developing a few good friends and passions with no concern for public opinion.

I agree. My brother in law was very cool in high school. Now he’s fifty and living off his parents. A total loser. Usually the cool kids in high school do drugs.

I went to a few of my high school reunions and experienced this big time. My nerdy friend and I were all doing interesting things, while most of the cool kids never left town. They seemed so wistful and spent most of their time reminiscing about "the good old days." My friends and I reminisced, too, but not one of us felt sad about no longer being in high school. One of my super shy nerdy wallflower friends blossomed into a head-turner-could-be-a-model. She barely spoke to anyone outside our group in school and at the reunion no one knew who she was! [/quote

I feel like this is one of those internet tropes that people love to think is true, but it's kind of tired and played out and doesn't always (or even usually) work that way in real life. DH and I were just talking about this--and the "popular kids" from both of our high schools have, for the most part, done well for themselves. Maybe it depends on where you grew up but in my UMC hometown the popular kids tended to have smart, ambitious, successful parents who, not surprisingly, had kids who turned out similarly. I mean, being outgoing, able to work connections, attractive--all things that are really valued in our society (for better or worse). All of them went to good colleges and while some make more money than others (careers range from f500 c suite to elementary school teacher to speech therapist to physician to banker) they seem to be doing just fine in life. All good, I don't wish for anyone to do bad in life even if I didn't personally like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the cool kids in middle and high school blossomed early and went on to be lame adults. Not so bad to blossom late and to spend more time developing a few good friends and passions with no concern for public opinion.

I agree. My brother in law was very cool in high school. Now he’s fifty and living off his parents. A total loser. Usually the cool kids in high school do drugs.

I went to a few of my high school reunions and experienced this big time. My nerdy friend and I were all doing interesting things, while most of the cool kids never left town. They seemed so wistful and spent most of their time reminiscing about "the good old days." My friends and I reminisced, too, but not one of us felt sad about no longer being in high school. One of my super shy nerdy wallflower friends blossomed into a head-turner-could-be-a-model. She barely spoke to anyone outside our group in school and at the reunion no one knew who she was!

I feel like this is one of those internet tropes that people love to think is true, but it's kind of tired and played out and doesn't always (or even usually) work that way in real life. DH and I were just talking about this--and the "popular kids" from both of our high schools have, for the most part, done well for themselves. Maybe it depends on where you grew up but in my UMC hometown the popular kids tended to have smart, ambitious, successful parents who, not surprisingly, had kids who turned out similarly. I mean, being outgoing, able to work connections, attractive--all things that are really valued in our society (for better or worse). All of them went to good colleges and while some make more money than others (careers range from f500 c suite to elementary school teacher to speech therapist to physician to banker) they seem to be doing just fine in life. All good, I don't wish for anyone to do bad in life even if I didn't personally like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the cool kids in middle and high school blossomed early and went on to be lame adults. Not so bad to blossom late and to spend more time developing a few good friends and passions with no concern for public opinion.

I agree. My brother in law was very cool in high school. Now he’s fifty and living off his parents. A total loser. Usually the cool kids in high school do drugs.

I went to a few of my high school reunions and experienced this big time. My nerdy friend and I were all doing interesting things, while most of the cool kids never left town. They seemed so wistful and spent most of their time reminiscing about "the good old days." My friends and I reminisced, too, but not one of us felt sad about no longer being in high school. One of my super shy nerdy wallflower friends blossomed into a head-turner-could-be-a-model. She barely spoke to anyone outside our group in school and at the reunion no one knew who she was!

I feel like this is one of those internet tropes that people love to think is true, but it's kind of tired and played out and doesn't always (or even usually) work that way in real life. DH and I were just talking about this--and the "popular kids" from both of our high schools have, for the most part, done well for themselves. Maybe it depends on where you grew up but in my UMC hometown the popular kids tended to have smart, ambitious, successful parents who, not surprisingly, had kids who turned out similarly. I mean, being outgoing, able to work connections, attractive--all things that are really valued in our society (for better or worse). All of them went to good colleges and while some make more money than others (careers range from f500 c suite to elementary school teacher to speech therapist to physician to banker) they seem to be doing just fine in life. All good, I don't wish for anyone to do bad in life even if I didn't personally like them.

Agreed. Myself and my "cool" friends are pretty much doing okay. But then, most of the kids I went to school with seem to be doing just fine too. We were mostly UMC, so that's probably the reason, rather than anything related to being cool or popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, OP is probably at a private school. This does not seem like a public school thing. At least not at my public school. Thank God.

What, there no popular kid cliques on public school? Sure, ok.

+1. When I was in elementary school in the 80s, there were popular kids.

I think it’s a mix of extroverted behavior without being annoying, an advanced knowledge of what’s cool for older kids (celebrities, clothes, etc), and a good sense of humor.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all eight pages and the responses directly above mine are all related to high school and although elementary kids will grow into high school kids, I think by then the choices kids make are a little more intentional. I have two ES kids - both genders. My son has always been popular. I am in a unique position that I knew many of elementary school teachers well and socially and they would all joke that they wish they were as popular as him when they were in school. I would say that he is kind, charismatic, energetic, athletic, but most importantly confident. Kids are naturally drawn to him everywhere we go and he makes friends easily on vacation and random places. My daughter is the opposite of him, except still kind. The same teachers always called her a loner and for years I worried about it but just realized that different kids have different personalities. I think mothers tend to push their daughters to try and be popular due to their own lingering insecurities left over from their childhoods. I don't want my daughter to be "popular" per se, but I watch my son who makes friends so easily and is always included and then watch her struggles and can't help but want the same thing for her.

TL;DR, some kids are born with a healthy sense of confidence that draws others to them and some are not. Whether it's intentional or subconscious, human beings are drawn to confident people and their energy and those who have it will spend their life being popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the cool kids in middle and high school blossomed early and went on to be lame adults. Not so bad to blossom late and to spend more time developing a few good friends and passions with no concern for public opinion.

I agree. My brother in law was very cool in high school. Now he’s fifty and living off his parents. A total loser. Usually the cool kids in high school do drugs.

I went to a few of my high school reunions and experienced this big time. My nerdy friend and I were all doing interesting things, while most of the cool kids never left town. They seemed so wistful and spent most of their time reminiscing about "the good old days." My friends and I reminisced, too, but not one of us felt sad about no longer being in high school. One of my super shy nerdy wallflower friends blossomed into a head-turner-could-be-a-model. She barely spoke to anyone outside our group in school and at the reunion no one knew who she was!

I feel like this is one of those internet tropes that people love to think is true, but it's kind of tired and played out and doesn't always (or even usually) work that way in real life. DH and I were just talking about this--and the "popular kids" from both of our high schools have, for the most part, done well for themselves. Maybe it depends on where you grew up but in my UMC hometown the popular kids tended to have smart, ambitious, successful parents who, not surprisingly, had kids who turned out similarly. I mean, being outgoing, able to work connections, attractive--all things that are really valued in our society (for better or worse). All of them went to good colleges and while some make more money than others (careers range from f500 c suite to elementary school teacher to speech therapist to physician to banker) they seem to be doing just fine in life. All good, I don't wish for anyone to do bad in life even if I didn't personally like them.

Agreed. Myself and my "cool" friends are pretty much doing okay. But then, most of the kids I went to school with seem to be doing just fine too. We were mostly UMC, so that's probably the reason, rather than anything related to being cool or popular.

I think it all has to do with where you grew up. Highly rated school in a large metro? Popular kids are successful people...turns out the things that made them popular in high school (being outgoing, confident, attractive, and having good social skills) are things that are also valued in the real world. Shitty school in shitty small town nowheresville? Barbie the cheerleader is now a crack whore and Daryl the quarterback mows lawns and relives the '98 state championship game at the local watering hole.