How do "cool kids" become "cool"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you remember when you were in school? It's not a public vs. private school thing, there were cool kids and regular kids (even back in the OLD days!).

As to what makes cool kids cool might depend on what the school culture is like but in general these kids have charisma and confidence.

A lot of times it’s the kids with older siblings because they have more exposure to the latest trends and they tend to act older.

Yes, this! My 10yo 5th grader is very young compared to some peers with older siblings. There are definitely social groups at our nova public elementary. As a parent, I can identify the “cool” kid groupings, but my child doesn’t really see it that way yet (phew).

[Anonymous]

They are born cool. And are never awkward (see the post about the kid who was labeled in 1st grade).

My kids are "cool" but not "popular". At this point in life (5th and 6th grade), they do not care about being either.

[Anonymous]

My DS is in 4th and there is definitely a cool group, particularly for girls. For the girls, it has nothing to do with their parents or social engineering. They're the girls who appear to be aware of their looks (not in a sexual or precocious way or anything but in more a groomed fashion way) sooner and have grasped group dynamic skills faster. I think it's mainly the group dynamics skills. I personally was late bloomer to those skills and it showed.

For the boys, it's mainly the sports bros. My own DS is not a sports bro but he's totally fine anyway.

While I am aware of this through his teacher and the school counselor (DS has ADHD and has contact with her), we're not at all concerned with it. It's all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh for sure, my cool kid oozes confidence and doesn’t give a flying f what other people think of her. She’s also genuinely nice and kind, but I think it comes down to confidence.

I think this can go either way and maybe it's the difference between being 'cool' and being 'popular'. My older one is popular and well-liked and just really kind and welcoming to everyone, though he does have his small tight group of friends. But he definitely cares what people think. He's still going to do his thing either way but it affects him if he thinks people are talking/thinking about him. For example, his close friends are all more gifted athletes and while he tries to keep up and isn't bad per se, they will all go on to play at a higher-level than him. He does play sports but he gets frustrated and feels like everyone is looking down on him (even though I'm sure they don't care at all).

I would agree with this. I would say my DD is popular and well-liked but not necessarily cool. Ever since she was little, she was shy to approach people -- she always had that thought "what if this kid doesn't want to play with me?" when meeting new people and it was written all over her face. But she is popular because she is empathetic and always nice to people, perhaps because she understands how it feels to be left out or whatever, and once she gets over the initial shyness, she has good social skills. On the other hand, I have observed kids who have always had a certain innnate confidence -- it just doesn't seem to occur to them that someone else might not like them or want to play with them. Those kids are cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents and social engineering.

This is the answer. Although, my kids' school does not really have cool/popular to the extent others do. I think it has something to do with the fact that it is very, very diverse. The kids are (not perfect but) pretty accepting of each other.

However, I participate in this actively. For two reasons:
1. I like a certain group of moms. We became friends in K, our kids became friends, and now we're all becoming "family friends" which is lovely and a great way to grow up IMHO.
2. This kid group is somewhat nerdy. That's who I am, that's who my kids are, and I think that's the way for them to have the social support they need.

In a different school these kids may be considered dorky or unpopular, but I'd say even if popularity exists to some extent, they are close to the top. Idk why.

In case anyone is wondering, we are not UMC, I'd say solidly MC. We all work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh for sure, my cool kid oozes confidence and doesn’t give a flying f what other people think of her. She’s also genuinely nice and kind, but I think it comes down to confidence.

I think this can go either way and maybe it's the difference between being 'cool' and being 'popular'. My older one is popular and well-liked and just really kind and welcoming to everyone, though he does have his small tight group of friends. But he definitely cares what people think. He's still going to do his thing either way but it affects him if he thinks people are talking/thinking about him. For example, his close friends are all more gifted athletes and while he tries to keep up and isn't bad per se, they will all go on to play at a higher-level than him. He does play sports but he gets frustrated and feels like everyone is looking down on him (even though I'm sure they don't care at all).

I would agree with this. I would say my DD is popular and well-liked but not necessarily cool. Ever since she was little, she was shy to approach people -- she always had that thought "what if this kid doesn't want to play with me?" when meeting new people and it was written all over her face. But she is popular because she is empathetic and always nice to people, perhaps because she understands how it feels to be left out or whatever, and once she gets over the initial shyness, she has good social skills. On the other hand, I have observed kids who have always had a certain innnate confidence -- it just doesn't seem to occur to them that someone else might not like them or want to play with them. Those kids are cool.

Awww your DD sounds just like me. And I turned out great lol
But seriously, that compassion comes from home. Good job!!

[Anonymous]

This came up in Recent Topics which is why I'm answering (that and I'm bored.)

Mom of two boys now in college. Older DS was athletic and objectively good looking, but super laid back and not a joiner. Matter of fact he was bullied. Younger DS was athletic, good looking and had/has a social IQ that is off the charts. Super outgoing, always has to be doing. Older DS was not cool or popular, younger one was both. But you know what, they've both found there place and are "good fit" colleges and doing well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents and social engineering.

This is the answer. Although, my kids' school does not really have cool/popular to the extent others do. I think it has something to do with the fact that it is very, very diverse. The kids are (not perfect but) pretty accepting of each other.

However, I participate in this actively. For two reasons:
1. I like a certain group of moms. We became friends in K, our kids became friends, and now we're all becoming "family friends" which is lovely and a great way to grow up IMHO.
2. This kid group is somewhat nerdy. That's who I am, that's who my kids are, and I think that's the way for them to have the social support they need.

In a different school these kids may be considered dorky or unpopular, but I'd say even if popularity exists to some extent, they are close to the top. Idk why.

In case anyone is wondering, we are not UMC, I'd say solidly MC. We all work.

I actually disagree. I think social engineering has little to do with it.

Does the kid, themself, have a high social IQ at an earlier age than others? We have done zero social engineering and are introverts ourselves but we managed to produce one extrovert (and other introverts) who caught on super quick how to read others and put himself out there. Despite us (the weight of awkward parents), he has managed to be very popular according to his teachers. Shrug...

Social engineering can help of course but that's not the answer.

[Anonymous]

My middle child has always been popular and other kids gravitated towards him even in preschool. He has always been social, outgoing, kind, gregarious, great sense of humor. As he has gotten older, he is athletic, academically smart, and yes, good looking. He is also very confident and just doesn’t get intimidated in new situations or by anyone attempting to intimidate him (these instances were few and mild, and very quickly those same kids became his friends).

Have to say though the qualities that attracted other kids to him seemed to exist way before sports and looks became a thing.

My other two kids and DH and I are objectively not like this. We are more shy, had a close not large group of friends, not athletic but competent, never “popular”. This is just who he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents and social engineering.

This is the answer. Although, my kids' school does not really have cool/popular to the extent others do. I think it has something to do with the fact that it is very, very diverse. The kids are (not perfect but) pretty accepting of each other.

However, I participate in this actively. For two reasons:
1. I like a certain group of moms. We became friends in K, our kids became friends, and now we're all becoming "family friends" which is lovely and a great way to grow up IMHO.
2. This kid group is somewhat nerdy. That's who I am, that's who my kids are, and I think that's the way for them to have the social support they need.

In a different school these kids may be considered dorky or unpopular, but I'd say even if popularity exists to some extent, they are close to the top. Idk why.

In case anyone is wondering, we are not UMC, I'd say solidly MC. We all work.

I actually disagree. I think social engineering has little to do with it.

Does the kid, themself, have a high social IQ at an earlier age than others? We have done zero social engineering and are introverts ourselves but we managed to produce one extrovert (and other introverts) who caught on super quick how to read others and put himself out there. Despite us (the weight of awkward parents), he has managed to be very popular according to his teachers. Shrug...

Social engineering can help of course but that's not the answer.

PP you responded to. Fair point. Probably a variety of factors!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh for sure, my cool kid oozes confidence and doesn’t give a flying f what other people think of her. She’s also genuinely nice and kind, but I think it comes down to confidence.

I think this can go either way and maybe it's the difference between being 'cool' and being 'popular'. My older one is popular and well-liked and just really kind and welcoming to everyone, though he does have his small tight group of friends. But he definitely cares what people think. He's still going to do his thing either way but it affects him if he thinks people are talking/thinking about him. For example, his close friends are all more gifted athletes and while he tries to keep up and isn't bad per se, they will all go on to play at a higher-level than him. He does play sports but he gets frustrated and feels like everyone is looking down on him (even though I'm sure they don't care at all).

I would agree with this. I would say my DD is popular and well-liked but not necessarily cool. Ever since she was little, she was shy to approach people -- she always had that thought "what if this kid doesn't want to play with me?" when meeting new people and it was written all over her face. But she is popular because she is empathetic and always nice to people, perhaps because she understands how it feels to be left out or whatever, and once she gets over the initial shyness, she has good social skills. On the other hand, I have observed kids who have always had a certain innnate confidence -- it just doesn't seem to occur to them that someone else might not like them or want to play with them. Those kids are cool.

+1 to this point

[Anonymous]

I think in 5th grade it is still a lot of social engineering by the parents. They are still setting up playdates and sending out invites and coaching (and therefore drafting) the rec league sports teams. My 5th grader is tall, very athletic, smart and attractive, but as a family we're not super social. We tend to travel a lot and do our own thing, and our 5th grader plays on a regional travel sports team that doesn't include anyone in our school. Hence, my 5th grader, though liked, often finds himself left out of some of the cool kid cliques from school. I do get pretty annoyed when it is clearly a result of social engineering by the parents of other kids and I'm hopeful that fades away in the next two or three years and the kids' social lives are their own construction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you remember when you were in school? It's not a public vs. private school thing, there were cool kids and regular kids (even back in the OLD days!).

As to what makes cool kids cool might depend on what the school culture is like but in general these kids have charisma and confidence.

LMAO-- you stole my comment! Does anyone remember being in 5th or 6th grade (when 6th was in ES)? Even 4th? It doesn't have to be this out-and-out dog-eat-dog thing like perhaps it is in middle school, but there was the beginning of playing with social hierarchy in upper ES when I was a kid.

-MCPS ES grad, Class of 1989

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a private school? I havent seen this in our publics at all. The middle schools are too large to have a defined "cool" club and of course a 5th/6th grade dance is so silly, i cant imagine any public school entertaining the thoight.

I went to public school in FFX county in the 80s and the 6th grade dance was a huge thing that everyone looked forward to. (Even the totally uncool kids like me.) My kids go to a public school in a different part of Virginia now and there is a 5th grade celebration that includes a DJ/dance floor. The kids love it.

Well, they don't do sixth grade dances for fcps any more.

Yes, they do. My 6th grade DD's FCPS school just had their annual 5th/6th grade dance. And when my older DD was in 5th grade, I remember that her friend had a boy ask her to the dance because they were all freaking out about it.

[Anonymous]

My 8th grader tells me that to be cool at school, you need to swear, make contrarian remarks to peers and teachers, and blurt random ape-like noises to get attention. Frankly, he seems a bit unimpressed by the "cool" crowd.