Options to get freshman dc out of a really bad roommate situation? Airbnb?

[Anonymous]

You can order sleep/running headbands with headphones on Amazon for about $20. They are soft bands with flat blue tooth speakers inside. You can play quiet music or white noise on them from your phone and they can be pulled down over your eyes. My teens sleep with them every night, even at home.

Your kid can also stop being super considerate at 7:00 am when they wake up. Not overly loud necessarily, but not trying their hardest to be quiet. When the roommates complain, your kid might have some bargaining power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious, does this happen at top universities (public or private)? I just can’t imagine, say, premeds at Berkeley would be okay with being told to just “suck it up” when their entire career trajectory depends on them getting optimal sleep and grades.

Kid isn’t at Berkely he’s at a local state college.

Op perhaps your child should look into sober housing on campus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious, does this happen at top universities (public or private)? I just can’t imagine, say, premeds at Berkeley would be okay with being told to just “suck it up” when their entire career trajectory depends on them getting optimal sleep and grades.

Serious question: did you go to college in the US? Dorms here have hundreds (sometimes thousands) of kids in them. If you've never lived in one, they are like bee hives. There is always activity, as people aren't on the same schedules. During exams, there are quiet hours, but the rest of the time, people are doing all the things that come with being a college student, from studying through the night to partying and everything in between.

That's why there are so many people here saying "suck it up" and suggesting that the student make some adjustments. The people suggesting medical and parental intervention either didn't go to school here or have forgotten what it's like. This is an opportunity to kids to learn how to live away from the parental safety net (if they had one growing up), develop position confrontation skills, and advocate for themselves in a large system. It's also an opportunity for parents who were apt to swoop in and fix things to be a sympathetic, supportive ear while encouraging their kid to be more assertive about their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on your kids side, but 7 AM is a little early in college. In addition to a lot of the advice above, I’m wondering if your kids could try to strike a deal with the roommates that they will be quiet Sunday through Thursday nights by midnight or 1 AM in exchange for him being quiet and not setting off his alarm until 8:30 AM. Friday and Saturday, shift the hours to 2 AM and 10 AM. Tell him to ask nicely. As for the mess, he should just try to put up with it and hang out in the library during his waking hours.

OP here. The mess isn’t really an issue and kid spends most of the day outside the dorm. I should’ve left the mess part out.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there! I hope your DC can stay over at a friend's and that the days pass quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DC says they treat DC’s shared room as being part of the party area just like the other rooms—so it could be late and the lights are off, but kids are walking in and out of DC’s immediate room.

Are the bedroom doors not lockable? I would tell dc to definitely lock that - it's a safety concern to be sleeping while drunk strangers are walking in. I would definitely raise that issue with administration.

[Anonymous]

This makes me so freaking mad.

You are paying tuition, And rent for a room so your student can live on campus and do the thing he’s supposed to do at college which is study.

But instead of being able to do those things, your son is being told to “suck it up “ And the college is refusing to help him find a quiet place where he can study and get sleep. What is the college’s focus and reason for existence? Is it so kids can party? Or is it to get an education?

Clearly it’s so kids can party.

If they won’t allow him to move to a quieter place we can focus on his education, they should at least refund his tuition money because clearly they are not in the business of actually helping students get an education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on your kids side, but 7 AM is a little early in college. In addition to a lot of the advice above, I’m wondering if your kids could try to strike a deal with the roommates that they will be quiet Sunday through Thursday nights by midnight or 1 AM in exchange for him being quiet and not setting off his alarm until 8:30 AM. Friday and Saturday, shift the hours to 2 AM and 10 AM. Tell him to ask nicely. As for the mess, he should just try to put up with it and hang out in the library during his waking hours.

When I was in college, I had a couple of 8am classes (only times available by the time that the freshmen got around to registering) and the freshman dorm was way on the other side of campus. I definitely had an alarm going off at 7am at least a few days a week. Big state school. 7am is not unreasonable on school days.

(It was also uphill both ways, but that's another story.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me so freaking mad.

You are paying tuition, And rent for a room so your student can live on campus and do the thing he’s supposed to do at college which is study.

But instead of being able to do those things, your son is being told to “suck it up “ And the college is refusing to help him find a quiet place where he can study and get sleep. What is the college’s focus and reason for existence? Is it so kids can party? Or is it to get an education?

Clearly it’s so kids can party.

If they won’t allow him to move to a quieter place we can focus on his education, they should at least refund his tuition money because clearly they are not in the business of actually helping students get an education.

+1 The housing dept needs to help. I agree with PP to document, document, document. Every time there is a party. Every incident of underage drinking/drugs. Take video. If housing refuses to do anything go up the ladder. There's no such thing as "too late to switch".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DC says they treat DC’s shared room as being part of the party area just like the other rooms—so it could be late and the lights are off, but kids are walking in and out of DC’s immediate room.

Are the bedroom doors not lockable? I would tell dc to definitely lock that - it's a safety concern to be sleeping while drunk strangers are walking in. I would definitely raise that issue with administration.

DC says the bedroom doors in their suite don’t lock (but the bathroom doors do), which they plan to file a maintenance request on. DC has expressed that that the kids in the suite get so drunk that they bash their bodies against the walls and run in and out of the rooms, so DC definitely gets scared during them. The roommates also leave the suite door unlocked propped open all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This gets me angry since both drinking and pot use are probably illegal kids that age.

For every bro who says everyone is doing it, some of us have kids who are quiet, serious students. That is what mine is like also OP.

The school should enforce rules. They cost a lot. It is infuriating that kids who are there to study, and try to stay healthy by getting adequate sleep are left to their own devices.

Sounds like this quiet serious student should have picked a quiet serious university, not a state school.

DP. Privates are almost always more expensive, even with merit aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have him go to the doctor, get a note from the doctor asking for a room change, and see if that works. If not, as a parent I'd make a stink. Have him take pictures of the condition.

Yes, you can escalate. Go straight to the director of housing. It is rarely too late. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have him go to the doctor, get a note from the doctor asking for a room change, and see if that works. If not, as a parent I'd make a stink. Have him take pictures of the condition.

Yes, you can escalate. Go straight to the director of housing. It is rarely too late. Good luck.

Your work may have a legal service which can write a threatening letter if it is UVa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious, does this happen at top universities (public or private)? I just can’t imagine, say, premeds at Berkeley would be okay with being told to just “suck it up” when their entire career trajectory depends on them getting optimal sleep and grades.

Serious question: did you go to college in the US? Dorms here have hundreds (sometimes thousands) of kids in them. If you've never lived in one, they are like bee hives. There is always activity, as people aren't on the same schedules. During exams, there are quiet hours, but the rest of the time, people are doing all the things that come with being a college student, from studying through the night to partying and everything in between.

That's why there are so many people here saying "suck it up" and suggesting that the student make some adjustments. The people suggesting medical and parental intervention either didn't go to school here or have forgotten what it's like. This is an opportunity to kids to learn how to live away from the parental safety net (if they had one growing up), develop position confrontation skills, and advocate for themselves in a large system. It's also an opportunity for parents who were apt to swoop in and fix things to be a sympathetic, supportive ear while encouraging their kid to be more assertive about their needs.

x10000000

Well said!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get ear plugs and a good eye mask. I lived through this one semester. DC will learn to handle these situations on her own as she should. Don’t rescue her. I was able to talk to my roommates and work something out that was okay - not ideal but it helped.

Exactly this. Learning to navigate this is part of life. Your adult child needs to talk to the roommates. They may be able to establish suite quiet hours during the week. I'd drop the weekend fight.

Next, you can get soft headphones to play white noise. Use it with ear plugs and it should help block out quite a bit. Eye mask too!

But yes, learning how handle people you are stuck with is part of growing up.