Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had a long talk this morning and we have decided to put our engagement on hold and go to couples therapy. I worry that couples therapy this early into a relationship is not a good sign, but I do love her and I’m willing I try to work past our differences. I explained my situation and how she had done a 180 and how that is concerning to me. She said she didn’t think it was a big issue but can now see it from my side. She loves me and wants to marry and wants to put in the effort to see if we can resolve these issues.

As for being cheap, I’m not. Some may think I am because I lived on $40k/year for many years, but that was just to build up my wealth so I can afford things like a nice home, wedding, and kids. My parents did the same. We live together and I no longer live on $40k/year, but I’m still frugal so I can save. I stroll enjoy life - nice clothes bought on major holidays, nice car I paid off, once a year vacations, etc., that are outside of the $40k/year because they are not as frequent. I bought my gf a $20k ring and will be buying a $1-1.5m house. I’m willing to live far beyond the $40k I’m used to living on because I know I can with the savings. I’m 35 and have no debt and a savings of about $2m. I know a family will require a larger budget and I’m willing to expand it, but it’s nice to know my wife and I and my future kids will have a safety net to rely on.

This is a good step, but make sure you are going into counseling with an open mind and a willingness to acknowledge that her views on money have validity too, even if they are different from yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP bought a 1.5 carat ring and is willing to buy a 1.5m home. He is not cheap.

Yeah, I’m a woman and this came to mind immediately. He sounds MORae than generous. Run, OP. It is not worth the turmoil of dealing with your differences in expectations.

+1

[Anonymous]

Please break up with her. The red flags are there and your marriage will be hell. My mlm is a divorce attorney and the countless stories I’ve been told about women who have tried to keep kids from their fathers, lied about abuse, faked pregnancies to trap a man, etc., is crazy and it happens a lot more than people think. She is showing her true colors and she will not make a good wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice on how to navigate this? You sit down with and let her know you would like to have a serious conversation about your relationship. Make sure phones are put away, you both don’t have somewhere to be and you’re able to give it your full attention.

You stay curious and specific.
“I’ve been thinking about some things I’ve heard you say recently and want to talk with you about them because I’m feeling confused. I want to give two examples: The only thing I’ve ever heard you say about getting a house was ____. Then last week, when we were at Larla’s house, I heard you say that you were thinking we would start looking for a house in Chevy Chase. That’s a huge leap from ____.”

Then share your second example.
“I feel like I missed something and want to understand. Have you always felt this and I just didn’t get it, or has there been a shift in your thinking? These are big items and I want to understand you. What’s your thinking about this?”

Then just listen to her. Ultimately you’ll have to decide whether you both align on what you think are big issues. Whatever you do, do not continue with this engagement if you have any doubts.

New poster. Not reading the whole long thread because this post above nails it. Do this, OP. Especially have this talk with phones put away, nowhere else to be, no interruptions, as PP notes.

OP, this is not just about "I don't want to spend X on a house, we had talked about a range of Y....." Do not get bogged down in dollar figures about a house, or carats re: her ring. Those are are nothing compared to the real issue which seems to be values, as in what matters most to each of you, as opposed to value, as in the cost of everything.

I would have this talk and I'd add: You and she absolutely should get premarital counseling before tying any knots, OP. Not some one-time session with a minister at the church. Serious counseling with a professional marriage counselor. Do it with an eye toward whether to marry at all.

Two other things occur to me:

1. Any chance that she is being influenced by friends or relatives who are pushing her to feel dissatisfied with her ring, to want to stay home with a baby immediately, etc? If you've announced your engagement to family and friends, is there someone in her life who might be prodding her toward all these things when she really wasn't about it before?
2. I hate to say this but I would be careful that you don't end up with an "oops baby" if she is determined to have a child ASAP. You might reach agreement to wait to have a child and....she might end up pregnant anyway. Maybe even before a wedding, if she's very determined. As a woman, I don't like saying this as it feels like some kind of stereotype I'm feeding into, but I just can't help thinking it would be simple to get the things she's talking about by getting pregnant "by accident." I really hope she'd never do that, as it's a huge violation of trust, but only you know if that's something of which she'd be capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice on how to navigate this? You sit down with and let her know you would like to have a serious conversation about your relationship. Make sure phones are put away, you both don’t have somewhere to be and you’re able to give it your full attention.

You stay curious and specific.
“I’ve been thinking about some things I’ve heard you say recently and want to talk with you about them because I’m feeling confused. I want to give two examples: The only thing I’ve ever heard you say about getting a house was ____. Then last week, when we were at Larla’s house, I heard you say that you were thinking we would start looking for a house in Chevy Chase. That’s a huge leap from ____.”

Then share your second example.
“I feel like I missed something and want to understand. Have you always felt this and I just didn’t get it, or has there been a shift in your thinking? These are big items and I want to understand you. What’s your thinking about this?”

Then just listen to her. Ultimately you’ll have to decide whether you both align on what you think are big issues. Whatever you do, do not continue with this engagement if you have any doubts.

New poster. Not reading the whole long thread because this post above nails it. Do this, OP. Especially have this talk with phones put away, nowhere else to be, no interruptions, as PP notes.

OP, this is not just about "I don't want to spend X on a house, we had talked about a range of Y....." Do not get bogged down in dollar figures about a house, or carats re: her ring. Those are are nothing compared to the real issue which seems to be values, as in what matters most to each of you, as opposed to value, as in the cost of everything.

I would have this talk and I'd add: You and she absolutely should get premarital counseling before tying any knots, OP. Not some one-time session with a minister at the church. Serious counseling with a professional marriage counselor. Do it with an eye toward whether to marry at all.

Two other things occur to me:

1. Any chance that she is being influenced by friends or relatives who are pushing her to feel dissatisfied with her ring, to want to stay home with a baby immediately, etc? If you've announced your engagement to family and friends, is there someone in her life who might be prodding her toward all these things when she really wasn't about it before?
2. I hate to say this but I would be careful that you don't end up with an "oops baby" if she is determined to have a child ASAP. You might reach agreement to wait to have a child and....she might end up pregnant anyway. Maybe even before a wedding, if she's very determined. As a woman, I don't like saying this as it feels like some kind of stereotype I'm feeding into, but I just can't help thinking it would be simple to get the things she's talking about by getting pregnant "by accident." I really hope she'd never do that, as it's a huge violation of trust, but only you know if that's something of which she'd be capable.

It would have helped if you took the time to read the thread. OP took this advice and talked to the fiancé. They are going to put the brakes on the engagement and go to counseling.

[Anonymous]

I was with someone who changed after marriage. I cried in a bathtub alone on our honeymoon because he kept berating me.

Honestly, I think she will lie in couples counseling. My ex said all the right things in our Catholic pre-marriage course.

Sorry that's just my experience. I would get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with someone who changed after marriage. I cried in a bathtub alone on our honeymoon because he kept berating me.

Honestly, I think she will lie in couples counseling. My ex said all the right things in our Catholic pre-marriage course.

Sorry that's just my experience. I would get out.

How old were you when you got married?

[Anonymous]

You keep changing your story, OP. First you say you save 90% of your income, and then you say “well, not really”. Then you say you live on $40k a year on a $400k income, and then take that back and say you spend more when people point out that that’s unnecessarily restrictive and maybe your girlfriend isn’t a gold digger after all. I’m starting to have a lot more sympathy for the girlfriend - living with cheap and penny pinching is draining, and I can see you giving her crap about all spending as you go forward. There’s a lot of distance before you get to spendthrift.

[Anonymous]

Good that you’re going to a therapy but I believe your fiancé will say what you want to hear in therapy. At this point she’s on alert and won’t want to lose the generous guy with $2M in the bank and gives 1.5 caret rings. I can’t get past her snarkiness about the friends ring size and more importantly how she judged the ring that you gave her. She has shown you that deep down she’s not a good person. And that is someone you should not want to spend your life with and be the mother of your children. I don’t think any amount of therapy would convince me because on a basic human level she’s trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with someone who changed after marriage. I cried in a bathtub alone on our honeymoon because he kept berating me.

Honestly, I think she will lie in couples counseling. My ex said all the right things in our Catholic pre-marriage course.

Sorry that's just my experience. I would get out.

Wow, way to baselessly project your own shit all over someone else. You sound crazy.

[Anonymous]

You’ve known one another for one year? And met during a pandemic? And are already living together? Would love to know how that happened. Was it your idea or hers that you move in together? How are the monthly bills split/handled? So many red flags.

[Anonymous]

Get a prenup.

Lots of people get pre wedding counseling, for some religions it’s mandatory. I don’t think the counseling while engaged is a problem per se, but as a PP pointed out, you can’t enter it assuming it’s all to get her mind screwed back on straight. You need to evaluate your own preconceptions and hangups as well.

[Anonymous]

She put on a false pretense to get the ring and now her real self is emerging.

[Anonymous]

Use the venue of the counseling to state that you want a prenup. And get one. Protect the $2M+ In assets you’ve worked so hard for.

[Anonymous]

Counseling is great. It will either strengthen the basis for your marriage or make it clear that you should not be married. This type of clarification is what dating and engagement are for.

Also +1 to concern about oops baby.