Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

The issue here isn't how OP spends the money or how his fiancee wants to spend the money. The issue is they are not nearly on the same page which is what they need to talk through. There are compromises that can be made; for example, spend money on a house but have smaller vacations going forward. Or, buy a less expensive house and have nicer cars or more extravagant vacations. Or if one wants to look into the future, buy an expensive house in a good school district or a less expensive house and plan on sending the kids to private school. But these are the conversations that should happen between the couple to determine if either one of them are willing to compromise on things. I do think people can change minds, but if one is willing to compromise that means a lot.

[Anonymous]

I agree, concerns about spending habits are highlighting the fact that they really don’t know each other and are concerned about what they do know.

[Anonymous]

If she was hiding this side from you, what else is she hiding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you talk about?
Like you were going to be DINKs and travel the world, and now she wants a house in the suburbs and kids? Or you were going to get a house in the suburbs and have kids, but now she also wants to SAH with them for a couple of years?

OP here. The issue is the materialistic view that had suddenly come out.

Before we got engaged, we went to a friends house who had recently got engaged. My gf made a snide remark about how small the ring is and that she needs one at least double that size. I bought her a 1.5 carat and she has made comments that it could be bigger.

We had always planned to get married and buy a SFH to eventually raise kids in. We had talked about what we want in a home and a little on purchase price. Now the houses we talked about are no longer good enough and she wants a bigger, more expensive home. She grew up in a huge house and expects that lifestyle for her kids. She has said, without even asking, that we can use the money I saved for many years for a down payment. I’m more frugal and would not be willing to pay such a high amount for a home. It’s our money but I make the majority of our income.

We had talked about getting married and waiting 1-2 years and then having kids. She has since decided we should start trying right after we have her married. She has said that she wants to stay home since I make more money than she anyway.

We have had many long talks about these above issues and we were always on the same page. Now she has become a different person after getting engaged.

Run now. The cost of the engagement ring and the obvious entitlement now are beyond red flags. Are there purple flags? Screaming orange flags?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound cheap. Admit that you can’t afford her and let her find someone who can give her what she wants.

Are you 14? Seriously, I want to know more about you.

[Anonymous]

Do not marry her ever. Your values and spending styles are too different. The amount of money each of you has is totally irrelevant. Why sign up for years of resentment on both sides?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Homes in this area are expensive. You won’t be able to find homes for under $1 million in most areas.

OP here. I spent most of my life living frugal to share for big investments like a house, wedding, and kids. I was raised middle class. My parents lived below their means, and taught my brother and I the importance of saving money and living within your means. I love comfortably but I save 90% of what I make.

We are looking in Arlington, Alexandria, Falls Church, etc., and I know that we will need to spend money to get a house we want. We talked about a 3-4bd house with a nice yard. Now she says we need a 5-6 bd house.

I love people like you Op. You did the right thing saving money and clearly you understand money. Now you are engaged to someone who has values that are the opposite of yours. It sounds like she grew up thinking this way and now that you are engaged she thinks she owns you and is letting you see who she truly is. Marriage only makes these situations worse. The expectations from each partner become just more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it says a lot about you, OP, that you think “every important issue” in a relationship is about money.

You're so funny. This is what everyone gets divorced over. Keep pretending marriage is all a Hallmark special where couples who should never be together survive all. The divorce rate in situations like this, where the partners disagree over money, have a 99.999% divorce rate.

[Anonymous]

OP bought a 1.5 carat ring and is willing to buy a 1.5m home. He is not cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it says a lot about you, OP, that you think “every important issue” in a relationship is about money.

You're so funny. This is what everyone gets divorced over. Keep pretending marriage is all a Hallmark special where couples who should never be together survive all. The divorce rate in situations like this, where the partners disagree over money, have a 99.999% divorce rate.

+1. Marital issues are usually about money or sex.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We had a long talk this morning and we have decided to put our engagement on hold and go to couples therapy. I worry that couples therapy this early into a relationship is not a good sign, but I do love her and I’m willing I try to work past our differences. I explained my situation and how she had done a 180 and how that is concerning to me. She said she didn’t think it was a big issue but can now see it from my side. She loves me and wants to marry and wants to put in the effort to see if we can resolve these issues.

As for being cheap, I’m not. Some may think I am because I lived on $40k/year for many years, but that was just to build up my wealth so I can afford things like a nice home, wedding, and kids. My parents did the same. We live together and I no longer live on $40k/year, but I’m still frugal so I can save. I stroll enjoy life - nice clothes bought on major holidays, nice car I paid off, once a year vacations, etc., that are outside of the $40k/year because they are not as frequent. I bought my gf a $20k ring and will be buying a $1-1.5m house. I’m willing to live far beyond the $40k I’m used to living on because I know I can with the savings. I’m 35 and have no debt and a savings of about $2m. I know a family will require a larger budget and I’m willing to expand it, but it’s nice to know my wife and I and my future kids will have a safety net to rely on.

[Anonymous]

Good luck! I hope things work out but good to take time to find clarification. Divorce is a much bigger problem than being single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We had a long talk this morning and we have decided to put our engagement on hold and go to couples therapy. I worry that couples therapy this early into a relationship is not a good sign, but I do love her and I’m willing I try to work past our differences. I explained my situation and how she had done a 180 and how that is concerning to me. She said she didn’t think it was a big issue but can now see it from my side. She loves me and wants to marry and wants to put in the effort to see if we can resolve these issues.

As for being cheap, I’m not. Some may think I am because I lived on $40k/year for many years, but that was just to build up my wealth so I can afford things like a nice home, wedding, and kids. My parents did the same. We live together and I no longer live on $40k/year, but I’m still frugal so I can save. I stroll enjoy life - nice clothes bought on major holidays, nice car I paid off, once a year vacations, etc., that are outside of the $40k/year because they are not as frequent. I bought my gf a $20k ring and will be buying a $1-1.5m house. I’m willing to live far beyond the $40k I’m used to living on because I know I can with the savings. I’m 35 and have no debt and a savings of about $2m. I know a family will require a larger budget and I’m willing to expand it, but it’s nice to know my wife and I and my future kids will have a safety net to rely on.

Sounds great. Please don’t think that couples therapy is a bad sign. It’s actually a really healthy sign. More couples would end up staying together once married if they did couples therapy during/before engagement. It’s an opportunity to learn some healthy communication skills. Bravo to you and your girlfriend. You both sound like you are level-headed.

[Anonymous]

Get therapy and see what happens or get out while you can OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP bought a 1.5 carat ring and is willing to buy a 1.5m home. He is not cheap.

Yeah, I’m a woman and this came to mind immediately. He sounds MORae than generous. Run, OP. It is not worth the turmoil of dealing with your differences in expectations.