Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

Pre marital counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with someone who changed after marriage. I cried in a bathtub alone on our honeymoon because he kept berating me.

Honestly, I think she will lie in couples counseling. My ex said all the right things in our Catholic pre-marriage course.

Sorry that's just my experience. I would get out.

I agree. How is couple counseling going to help her with what she wants? She want money and to be a free rider- no job, big house, big ring, etc followed by the best private school, vacation house, expensive car, lots of spending money, etc. If he does not deliver he will hear about how he is a failure. These are major issues.

[Anonymous]

End it! It’s not like you’re married. You should figure all this stuff out before engagement but no harm no foul. There’s no way you didn’t see this tendency of hers in a whole year—you likely were blinded by the sex (which will also do a 180 at some point). Be thankful to God that you can nope out now rather than years in like all the miserable divorcees do. When you find the right woman, you’ll know!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:End it! It’s not like you’re married. You should figure all this stuff out before engagement but no harm no foul. There’s no way you didn’t see this tendency of hers in a whole year—you likely were blinded by the sex (which will also do a 180 at some point). Be thankful to God that you can nope out now rather than years in like all the miserable divorcees do. When you find the right woman, you’ll know!

I agree with this if you are having doubts. Break up the engagement. Why put yourself and her through misery since you will both not be getting what you want or one of you will get what you want and the other one will not. You’re not married yet. Yes breaking an engagement is difficult, but divorce is much worse. Especially if you have children.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you like the idea of traditional gender roles in a marriage? Where you get to be the husband who “takes care of“ his family and you get to make most of the big decisions pretty much unilaterally? Or do you prefer to have a marriage with a partner who is also wage earning and wants to build a life with you and also has an equal say in everything? Both of Those kinds of marriages can work, you just have to have the right two people in them. Your fiancé clearly is letting you know she wants to be taken care of. Is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She put on a false pretense to get the ring and now her real self is emerging.

+100

Women will twist and mold themselves into what they think the man wants in order to 'seal the deal', 'get the ring', 'get him to leave his wife', etc., etc.

And then when it's done, the real self slowly starts emerging.

You were lucky to see this before any actual vows and marital commitments were made.

Get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call off your engagement. If you’re this hesitant now, it’s not going to get better.

+1. End it. This is the sweet part of the relationship. It does not get better w time. She will not want a more frugal lifestyle as time goes by. Ending it now is FAR easier than when you have children and joint assets.

Been happily married 14 years to someone that I see eye to eye with on most financial aspects of marriage and even that can be challenging at times! I can’t imagine this scenario in a few years, or when kids come. Life will get more expensive. It’s not just housing, it’s daycare, nanny, vacations, cars, private v public schools, retirement, etc

You’re in for a treat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you talk about?
Like you were going to be DINKs and travel the world, and now she wants a house in the suburbs and kids? Or you were going to get a house in the suburbs and have kids, but now she also wants to SAH with them for a couple of years?

OP here. The issue is the materialistic view that had suddenly come out.

Before we got engaged, we went to a friends house who had recently got engaged. My gf made a snide remark about how small the ring is and that she needs one at least double that size. I bought her a 1.5 carat and she has made comments that it could be bigger.

We had always planned to get married and buy a SFH to eventually raise kids in. We had talked about what we want in a home and a little on purchase price. Now the houses we talked about are no longer good enough and she wants a bigger, more expensive home. She grew up in a huge house and expects that lifestyle for her kids. She has said, without even asking, that we can use the money I saved for many years for a down payment. I’m more frugal and would not be willing to pay such a high amount for a home. It’s our money but I make the majority of our income.

We had talked about getting married and waiting 1-2 years and then having kids. She has since decided we should start trying right after we have her married. She has said that she wants to stay home since I make more money than she anyway.

We have had many long talks about these above issues and we were always on the same page. Now she has become a different person after getting engaged.

How is this an about-face? She was materialistic and judgmental about someone else's ring, told you upfront she wanted a giant ring, and now tells you she wanted a bigger ring than the one you bought. That's the exact same person, you're just more offended since it's about the ring you bought. You should have been turned off when it was about the ring your friend bought.

You wanted materialistic and you got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:End it! It’s not like you’re married. You should figure all this stuff out before engagement but no harm no foul. There’s no way you didn’t see this tendency of hers in a whole year—you likely were blinded by the sex (which will also do a 180 at some point). Be thankful to God that you can nope out now rather than years in like all the miserable divorcees do. When you find the right woman, you’ll know!

+1
She'll never be happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice on how to navigate this? You sit down with and let her know you would like to have a serious conversation about your relationship. Make sure phones are put away, you both don’t have somewhere to be and you’re able to give it your full attention.

You stay curious and specific.
“I’ve been thinking about some things I’ve heard you say recently and want to talk with you about them because I’m feeling confused. I want to give two examples: The only thing I’ve ever heard you say about getting a house was ____. Then last week, when we were at Larla’s house, I heard you say that you were thinking we would start looking for a house in Chevy Chase. That’s a huge leap from ____.”

Then share your second example.
“I feel like I missed something and want to understand. Have you always felt this and I just didn’t get it, or has there been a shift in your thinking? These are big items and I want to understand you. What’s your thinking about this?”

Then just listen to her. Ultimately you’ll have to decide whether you both align on what you think are big issues. Whatever you do, do not continue with this engagement if you have any doubts.

All of this. Don't blow this off. Get on the same page or don't marry. A broken engagement will be painful, but much less painful than a divorce or miserable marriage based on different expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you talk about?
Like you were going to be DINKs and travel the world, and now she wants a house in the suburbs and kids? Or you were going to get a house in the suburbs and have kids, but now she also wants to SAH with them for a couple of years?

OP here. The issue is the materialistic view that had suddenly come out.

Before we got engaged, we went to a friends house who had recently got engaged. My gf made a snide remark about how small the ring is and that she needs one at least double that size. I bought her a 1.5 carat and she has made comments that it could be bigger.

We had always planned to get married and buy a SFH to eventually raise kids in. We had talked about what we want in a home and a little on purchase price. Now the houses we talked about are no longer good enough and she wants a bigger, more expensive home. She grew up in a huge house and expects that lifestyle for her kids. She has said, without even asking, that we can use the money I saved for many years for a down payment. I’m more frugal and would not be willing to pay such a high amount for a home. It’s our money but I make the majority of our income.

We had talked about getting married and waiting 1-2 years and then having kids. She has since decided we should start trying right after we have her married. She has said that she wants to stay home since I make more money than she anyway.

We have had many long talks about these above issues and we were always on the same page. Now she has become a different person after getting engaged.

No one starts out in the big house. That's why there are starter homes. Or, in this area, starter condos. If she expects 5,000 square feet on three acres right away, that's delusional.

This is called lifestyle creep, BTW. You may have been the victim of a bait-and-switch.

Feel free to dump her if she continues this way. It will only get worse. And you will come to resent her. Do NOT let her SAH without a prenup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with someone who changed after marriage. I cried in a bathtub alone on our honeymoon because he kept berating me.

Honestly, I think she will lie in couples counseling. My ex said all the right things in our Catholic pre-marriage course.

Sorry that's just my experience. I would get out.

How old were you when you got married?

We were 25.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with someone who changed after marriage. I cried in a bathtub alone on our honeymoon because he kept berating me.

Honestly, I think she will lie in couples counseling. My ex said all the right things in our Catholic pre-marriage course.

Sorry that's just my experience. I would get out.

Wow, way to baselessly project your own shit all over someone else. You sound crazy.

You sound like the kind of person who says snarky things about her friend's engagement ring.

[Anonymous]

We can see OP’s GF as shallow and materialistic or someone used to luxury and wanting to continue. If OP loves her and wants similar lifestyle for his future family, it can be a good set up. He certainly can afford to and can’t keep earning and saving, with his income level, probably whoever he chooses, they’ll end up living similarly. She is 30 and he is 35, for how long they can wait to start a family without creating fertility issues.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she fumbled the bag.