Reply to Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Advice on how to navigate this? You sit down with and let her know you would like to have a serious conversation about your relationship. Make sure phones are put away, you both don’t have somewhere to be and you’re able to give it your full attention.

You stay curious and specific. 
“I’ve been thinking about some things I’ve heard you say recently and want to talk with you about them because I’m feeling confused. I want to give two examples: The only thing I’ve ever heard you say about getting a house was ____. Then last week, when we were at Larla’s house, I heard you say that you were thinking we would start looking for a house in Chevy Chase. That’s a huge leap from ____.”

Then share your second example. 
“I feel like I missed something and want to understand. Have you always felt this and I just didn’t get it, or has there been a shift in your thinking? These are big items and I want to understand you. What’s your thinking about this?”

Then just listen to her. Ultimately you’ll have to decide whether you both align on what you think are big issues. Whatever you do, do not continue with this engagement if you have any doubts. [/quote]

New poster. Not reading the whole long thread because this post above nails it. Do this, OP. Especially have this talk with phones put away, nowhere else to be, no interruptions, as PP notes.

OP, this is not just about "I don't want to spend X on a house, we had talked about a range of Y....." Do not get bogged down in dollar figures about a house, or carats re: her ring. Those are are nothing compared to the real issue which seems to be values, as in what matters most to each of you, as opposed to value, as in the cost of everything.

I would have this talk and I'd add: You and she absolutely should get premarital counseling before tying any knots, OP. Not some one-time session with a minister at the church. Serious counseling with a professional marriage counselor. Do it with an eye toward whether to marry at all.

Two other things occur to me:

1. Any chance that she is being influenced by friends or relatives who are pushing her to feel dissatisfied with her ring, to want to stay home with a baby immediately, etc? If you've announced your engagement to family and friends, is there someone in her life who might be prodding her toward all these things when she really wasn't about it before?
2. I hate to say this but I would be careful that you don't end up with an "oops baby" if she is determined to have a child ASAP. You might reach agreement to wait to have a child and....she might end up pregnant anyway. Maybe even before a wedding, if she's very determined. As a woman, I don't like saying this as it feels like some kind of stereotype I'm feeding into, but I just can't help thinking it would be simple to get the things she's talking about by getting pregnant "by accident." I really hope she'd never do that, as it's a huge violation of trust, but only you know if that's something of which she'd be capable.[/quote]

It would have helped if you took the time to read the thread. OP took this advice and talked to the fiancé. They are going to put the brakes on the engagement and go to counseling. [/quote]

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