I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

There’s a certain tone when you speak about your husband that indicates that you don’t think he is managing his free time the way you should.

The thing is, healthy people do this. They budget extra time in the morning to start their day right. They relax by watching tv before bed after the baby is put down for the night - even if that means there’s some dishes in the sink. They share childfree time with their spouses on the weekend, especially when that spouse indicates that she wants more hands on time with the baby, so they can maintain their hobbies.

His views on free time may differ from yours but that doesn’t make him wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to see what happened if a man wrote this about his wife.

You're awful, OP, you need to hire out help. He's working a full time job and you expect him to do everything a SAHM does. I work part-time and I don't even do half the stuff on your stupid list. Grow the F_ up.

Op we are hiring out help too.

And btw I had the same expectation during my maternity leave. At that time, except for him washing bottles daily and taking the baby for half a day during the weekend, I took care of everything.

[Anonymous]

OP most men, including apparently your husband, are not really prepared for the amount of work a baby means. Some sink (like your husband) some swim. You’re just picking up the slack from a more unusual position of breadwinner and longer-hours spouse. No woman who is the primary caregiver gets to offload all of the cooking and cleaning, you’re just living in a sexist reality.

So ask your husband about it during a time things are calm. Ask him whether his expectation really is that you will do all of the cooking and all of the cleaning and that is a reasonable division or labor, or is he coming from a place of fatigue and resentment and needs to vent? Is he willing to step up more and bring in more income so you can work less? Would you be willing to work less if he did?

The deck is stacked against him taking on certain things. Pediatrician and daycare default to calling me no matter how often we told them to call dad, so the social sexism is making his job harder too, not just yours. Can you guys be on a team about this or not, and if not, what’s the best way ahead? You will have more downtime if he has custody 50% but you may also have more difficulty keeping this job you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sad state of affairs that we expect a couple to work 105 combined hours per week and have time to raise a kid. Work is the bigger problem here.

OP exactly my point. The myth of the career woman is oversold. You can definitely either make it super big or have a good but not amazing career and have a good marriage.but a really good career usually works out if it’s the man.

Not true for everyone, speak for yourself.

OP, as someone who had the career I wanted and has kids, I would encourage you to watch that Grey’s Anatomy episode where Bailey tells Mer to get a deeper bench. No matter what your child care situation is you need to build in layers of redundancy and be flexible. Treat this like a marathon, not a sprint. Otherwise you will burn out yourself and everyone around you.

Get more childcare. Figure out the division of tasks, adjusting as you go along. Understand that in five or ten years he will be broken in as a dad and adjust your expectations accordingly. I don’t know a single woman with a career who wasn’t disappointed at first with a husband’s lack of ability to do more, no matter how much he did. I don’t know a single woman who wasn’t happy to have kept her career once the kids got older. It only gets easier. You are really in the swamp when kids are too young to go to school, but this will pass in a couple short years. Once you’re more senior you can flex your hours. Keep the bigger picture in mind.

OP: Thank you. Will do. And that’s helpful to hear.

I do flex my hours. Our daycare was closed last week due to COVID and I took on the bulk of childcare because I can flex my hours. My husband says he cannot work after 7pm because he’s too tired. I worked 8-midnight to make up for the lost time during the day. This is what’s driving me crazy.

PP here. Just pace yourself. You can’t expect yourself to sprint like old times the first 2-3 years after having a baby.

This is temporary. Keep saying that to yourself. Once school kicks in, and their sleep stabilizes, there are new challenges but by and large it’s much less hands on. For one thing you don’t have this problem of always having to get a babysitter.

Think of your husband as an energy reserve. Yes he could deplete himself as you are doing, but would that help the family? You may crash and he may have to take over. Charge everyone’s battery as much as possible and get other batteries on board. I spent a week or two hiring each nanny and it was worth it. Also got help with cooking. Look into meal delivery services, outsource whatever you can. It gets much easier but you can’t be firing on all cylinders the whole time.

OP thank you

[Anonymous]

Op

I started ordering more pre made food for the baby like tiny organics and little spoon. I feel like it’s not the healthiest and my husband thinks it’s expensive. But I guess it is what it is. Better than me cooking at 10pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op

I started ordering more pre made food for the baby like tiny organics and little spoon. I feel like it’s not the healthiest and my husband thinks it’s expensive. But I guess it is what it is. Better than me cooking at 10pm.

Who did the cooking pre baby?

[Anonymous]

OP

Look I may get flamed but I’ll be very honest here. When I was on maternity leave or when I take care of the baby by myself multiple days in a row (when my husband is away and my nanny was also on vacation) it was really not THaT difficult. It was pleasant and sure there were times when it was a bit less pleasant but overall it was really fine. I don’t get the exhaustion that some people claim comes with taking care of a baby. And he’s a medium baby if I may say. Not super needy but also not content no matter what. My job is much more exhausting to me. And stressful. ThAts my honest opinion. So no, 2.5 hours of childcare per day does not seem like it’s that terrible. I would trade off other tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op

I started ordering more pre made food for the baby like tiny organics and little spoon. I feel like it’s not the healthiest and my husband thinks it’s expensive. But I guess it is what it is. Better than me cooking at 10pm.

Who did the cooking pre baby?

Neither of us. We get take out or eat sandwiches. But with baby we feel like he should eat healthier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

There’s a certain tone when you speak about your husband that indicates that you don’t think he is managing his free time the way you should.

The thing is, healthy people do this. They budget extra time in the morning to start their day right. They relax by watching tv before bed after the baby is put down for the night - even if that means there’s some dishes in the sink. They share childfree time with their spouses on the weekend, especially when that spouse indicates that she wants more hands on time with the baby, so they can maintain their hobbies.

His views on free time may differ from yours but that doesn’t make him wrong.

DP. She’s stressed out and frazzled. This too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op

I started ordering more pre made food for the baby like tiny organics and little spoon. I feel like it’s not the healthiest and my husband thinks it’s expensive. But I guess it is what it is. Better than me cooking at 10pm.

Who did the cooking pre baby?

Neither of us. We get take out or eat sandwiches. But with baby we feel like he should eat healthier

So let the baby have tiny organics, or he can cook a cheaper healthier dish for the baby (mine liked a mix of cottage cheese, applesauce and egg noodles; or scrambled eggs, tomato and spinach, so easy) and don’t cook for your husband. He can order take out or make himself a sandwich at 7 pm and you can order it at work or when you get home at 9. No more cooking at 10 pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

There’s a certain tone when you speak about your husband that indicates that you don’t think he is managing his free time the way you should.

The thing is, healthy people do this. They budget extra time in the morning to start their day right. They relax by watching tv before bed after the baby is put down for the night - even if that means there’s some dishes in the sink. They share childfree time with their spouses on the weekend, especially when that spouse indicates that she wants more hands on time with the baby, so they can maintain their hobbies.

His views on free time may differ from yours but that doesn’t make him wrong.

DP. She’s stressed out and frazzled. This too shall pass.

I agree and get it, but taking it out on him isn’t the answer. He isn’t a slacker parent because he plays video games on the weekend or watches tv in the evenings, and it’s not fair to make him out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

Look I may get flamed but I’ll be very honest here. When I was on maternity leave or when I take care of the baby by myself multiple days in a row (when my husband is away and my nanny was also on vacation) it was really not THaT difficult. It was pleasant and sure there were times when it was a bit less pleasant but overall it was really fine. I don’t get the exhaustion that some people claim comes with taking care of a baby. And he’s a medium baby if I may say. Not super needy but also not content no matter what. My job is much more exhausting to me. And stressful. ThAts my honest opinion. So no, 2.5 hours of childcare per day does not seem like it’s that terrible. I would trade off other tasks.

You are very new to this. Toddlers are different than babies, many people find them more exhausting. Getting out the door to daycare is not the same as waiting for the nanny to show up. This husband may not be shining, but don’t make the rookie parenting mistake of thinking this is a cakewalk. Kids can change overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband really wanted kids. He assured me would be the primarily caregiver.

I am very focused on my career and wrk long hours.

He assured me that he would be happy to be the primary caregiver

Now this has called a lot of resentment.

He does do drop off and pick up in 75% of cases.

But he does none of the cooking, admin, finding daycare, applying for passport, etc.

He thinks I should do that because I do less of the direct care.

If I need to work on the weekend, I have to hire a babysitter so that he can play video games. He can’t handle more than 3 hours taking care of a toddler.

I work 60 hours a week and he works 45 hours a week.

I have no free time.

He has plenty.

Love the baby and I like my career.

Our marriage is strained because we fight about childcare and tasks all the time.

I thought that it’s possible for a guy to be the main caretaker.

Was naive.

Marriages work much better when they follow traditional gender roles, except for a few circumstances. But that’s the exception not the rule.

Unfortunately I make more than he does so I cannot step back.

I am exhausted and resentful of him.

100% agree. I did not want to have kids unless I could stay home for 5 years at least. Women do most of the work. Doing a demanding job plus kids is a terrible set up for a woman. I waited until my kids were in elementary school. When I said I wanted a divorce, he FINALLY started doing SOMETHING out of necessity. Divorced a few years ago. I am much happier. I need downtime. I could not get one minute while married. Now, I have some time when he has the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cooking isn’t a childcare duty. It’s not realistic that just because he is a primary caregiver, he should automatically be the cook while still working 45 hours a week.

Cooking IS a child care duty. When I did not have kids, I ate what I wanted and did not have to make a balanced meal. I could get a salad or do rice and beans. Kids need more cooking than that. (not OP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you doing stuff on the weekends all together, as a family?

Not OP. There was never any time for that (when I was married). I was doing household chores and taking kids to activities. Dual earner families don't have time for socializing doing crap together as a family. Now I can do that with the kids alone because I do the household chores when they are with their dad.