I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you doing stuff on the weekends all together, as a family?

Not OP. There was never any time for that (when I was married). I was doing household chores and taking kids to activities. Dual earner families don't have time for socializing doing crap together as a family. Now I can do that with the kids alone because I do the household chores when they are with their dad.

2 person WOH family. We do a lot together on weekends, even if it means catching up on housework when kids are in bed. We don’t have the money to outsource, but family time is our top priority. In order to make this work, though, both parents have to pitch in. It’s grossly unfair when one parent does it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you doing stuff on the weekends all together, as a family?

Not OP. There was never any time for that (when I was married). I was doing household chores and taking kids to activities. Dual earner families don't have time for socializing doing crap together as a family. Now I can do that with the kids alone because I do the household chores when they are with their dad.

2 person WOH family. We do a lot together on weekends, even if it means catching up on housework when kids are in bed. We don’t have the money to outsource, but family time is our top priority. In order to make this work, though, both parents have to pitch in. It’s grossly unfair when one parent does it all.

Op I’m ok with housework and chores after baby goes to bed. My husband is not even if that means less time together as a family. He prefers to split childcare duty. We do something together once a month or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, you sound like an asshole. You work a lot and like it. Fine. Then you should happily use the money you earn to hire a sitter and stop complaining. There is really nothing to complain about here. DH works outside of the home and also helps with the kid.

Disagree on asshole; agree on acknowledging the reality of needing to hire more help.

+1 outsource whatever you can afford to right now. It’s 1000% worth it!

[Anonymous]

OP, go to couples therapy. There is now a child involved, you both need to find a way to get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband really wanted kids. He assured me would be the primarily caregiver.

I am very focused on my career and wrk long hours.

He assured me that he would be happy to be the primary caregiver

Now this has called a lot of resentment.

He does do drop off and pick up in 75% of cases.

But he does none of the cooking, admin, finding daycare, applying for passport, etc.

He thinks I should do that because I do less of the direct care.

If I need to work on the weekend, I have to hire a babysitter so that he can play video games. He can’t handle more than 3 hours taking care of a toddler.

I work 60 hours a week and he works 45 hours a week.

I have no free time.

He has plenty.

Love the baby and I like my career.

Our marriage is strained because we fight about childcare and tasks all the time.

I thought that it’s possible for a guy to be the main caretaker.

Was naive.

Marriages work much better when they follow traditional gender roles, except for a few circumstances. But that’s the exception not the rule.

Unfortunately I make more than he does so I cannot step back.

I am exhausted and resentful of him.

Your husband is a d-bag not because of the tasks, but because he lies to manipulate you into getting what he wants. Sell his video games/stuff so that he contributes 1/3 and you contribute 2/3 of the babysitting expenses. Has he tried a mealkit--really helpful for non-intellectuals/stressed to do the cooking? Can he order doordash? You can do the admin, passport, and daycare as you are the brains. When gender roles are reversed, men often do additional chores other than paychecks such as trash, lawn, etc. You need to be using your money to delegate to hired staff/local teens, but DH can sell his things. Also, once you find a pre-school, life may get a lot easier for you both-do that first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

There’s a certain tone when you speak about your husband that indicates that you don’t think he is managing his free time the way you should.

The thing is, healthy people do this. They budget extra time in the morning to start their day right. They relax by watching tv before bed after the baby is put down for the night - even if that means there’s some dishes in the sink. They share childfree time with their spouses on the weekend, especially when that spouse indicates that she wants more hands on time with the baby, so they can maintain their hobbies.

His views on free time may differ from yours but that doesn’t make him wrong.

DP. She’s stressed out and frazzled. This too shall pass.

I agree and get it, but taking it out on him isn’t the answer. He isn’t a slacker parent because he plays video games on the weekend or watches tv in the evenings, and it’s not fair to make him out to be.

Playing video games all weekend while I work? Yeah I wouldn’t be happy either. It’s fine he has downtime but if she’s as pressed as she says I get the frustration. Point is, it’s not going to be solved by frustration. You can’t control him. Hire a weekend nanny and move on. If he wants to save the money he can do his own math and step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you doing stuff on the weekends all together, as a family?

Not OP. There was never any time for that (when I was married). I was doing household chores and taking kids to activities. Dual earner families don't have time for socializing doing crap together as a family. Now I can do that with the kids alone because I do the household chores when they are with their dad.

Totally depends on your set up. We did a lot on weekends with the kids as a family, even if it meant working at odd hours occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you hiring the baby sitter? Can he just hire one himself?

Tho honestly I’d throw the video game system away. If he’s neglecting his kids because of it, it’s gotta go.

He plays every day!

Who cares? I read every day - should my spouse toss my books?

No. Your spouse should toss your books if you are making your spouse hire a sitter so you can sit in your room and read 6 hrs a day instead of being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you doing stuff on the weekends all together, as a family?

Not OP. There was never any time for that (when I was married). I was doing household chores and taking kids to activities. Dual earner families don't have time for socializing doing crap together as a family. Now I can do that with the kids alone because I do the household chores when they are with their dad.

2 person WOH family. We do a lot together on weekends, even if it means catching up on housework when kids are in bed. We don’t have the money to outsource, but family time is our top priority. In order to make this work, though, both parents have to pitch in. It’s grossly unfair when one parent does it all.

Well, that was the point. I did it all. When one parent does it all, there is no time for “family time”; and it pissed me off because he pushed for kids…not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cooking isn’t a childcare duty. It’s not realistic that just because he is a primary caregiver, he should automatically be the cook while still working 45 hours a week.

Cooking IS a child care duty. When I did not have kids, I ate what I wanted and did not have to make a balanced meal. I could get a salad or do rice and beans. Kids need more cooking than that. (not OP)

Nope. He said he would be the primary caregiver, not transition from takeout/sandwiches into the family’s cook while working full time and handling all weekday childcare duties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you doing stuff on the weekends all together, as a family?

Not OP. There was never any time for that (when I was married). I was doing household chores and taking kids to activities. Dual earner families don't have time for socializing doing crap together as a family. Now I can do that with the kids alone because I do the household chores when they are with their dad.

2 person WOH family. We do a lot together on weekends, even if it means catching up on housework when kids are in bed. We don’t have the money to outsource, but family time is our top priority. In order to make this work, though, both parents have to pitch in. It’s grossly unfair when one parent does it all.

Well, that was the point. I did it all. When one parent does it all, there is no time for “family time”; and it pissed me off because he pushed for kids…not me.

Did your husband do 1/2 the household work prior to children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you doing stuff on the weekends all together, as a family?

Not OP. There was never any time for that (when I was married). I was doing household chores and taking kids to activities. Dual earner families don't have time for socializing doing crap together as a family. Now I can do that with the kids alone because I do the household chores when they are with their dad.

2 person WOH family. We do a lot together on weekends, even if it means catching up on housework when kids are in bed. We don’t have the money to outsource, but family time is our top priority. In order to make this work, though, both parents have to pitch in. It’s grossly unfair when one parent does it all.

Op I’m ok with housework and chores after baby goes to bed. My husband is not even if that means less time together as a family. He prefers to split childcare duty. We do something together once a month or so.

When was the last time you two had a date night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I leave for work at 630. Before I leave I prepare the baby’s breakfast, what else he needs for the day. My husband wakes up at 7 but reads his news for 45 minutes because he says he needs to start his day right. So he wakes up the baby changes the diaper and dresses him but his meal; etc all done by me.

There’s a certain tone when you speak about your husband that indicates that you don’t think he is managing his free time the way you should.

The thing is, healthy people do this. They budget extra time in the morning to start their day right. They relax by watching tv before bed after the baby is put down for the night - even if that means there’s some dishes in the sink. They share childfree time with their spouses on the weekend, especially when that spouse indicates that she wants more hands on time with the baby, so they can maintain their hobbies.

His views on free time may differ from yours but that doesn’t make him wrong.

DP. She’s stressed out and frazzled. This too shall pass.

I agree and get it, but taking it out on him isn’t the answer. He isn’t a slacker parent because he plays video games on the weekend or watches tv in the evenings, and it’s not fair to make him out to be.

Playing video games all weekend while I work? Yeah I wouldn’t be happy either. It’s fine he has downtime but if she’s as pressed as she says I get the frustration. Point is, it’s not going to be solved by frustration. You can’t control him. Hire a weekend nanny and move on. If he wants to save the money he can do his own math and step up.

You are misrepresenting. He isn’t playing video games “all weekend” and OP specifically said she prefers to have the hands on childcare on the weekend especially since she isn’t getting it on the weekdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you doing stuff on the weekends all together, as a family?

Not OP. There was never any time for that (when I was married). I was doing household chores and taking kids to activities. Dual earner families don't have time for socializing doing crap together as a family. Now I can do that with the kids alone because I do the household chores when they are with their dad.

2 person WOH family. We do a lot together on weekends, even if it means catching up on housework when kids are in bed. We don’t have the money to outsource, but family time is our top priority. In order to make this work, though, both parents have to pitch in. It’s grossly unfair when one parent does it all.

Well, that was the point. I did it all. When one parent does it all, there is no time for “family time”; and it pissed me off because he pushed for kids…not me.

Your situation isn’t OP’s. There is no one parent doing it all. OP has disproportionate work hours during the week, but is hands on during the weekend. They are both doing childcare and they are both working full time.

I think the issue is more than they are splitting duties so much that they aren’t coming together as a couple or a family unit. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you’ve bumped into the reality. Very few men are capable of handling all the responsibilities involved with raising children in our modern society. Is what it is. And children are especially challenging when they are little. Outsource what you can and slog through these early years.

+1 I'll repeat... most men should not have kids. They may like the idea of it, but when reality hits, they can't handle it, or they will put in the bare minimum effort, and say that the wife has too high standards, and he should be able to do things his own way, which again is bare minimum effort.

Who cares if it's bare minimum effort? Why does your child only deserve the bare minimum? Should your wife only give you the bare minimum sex, as defined by her?

You are an awful person, which is probably why you got stuck with a dud spouse.