If you have dated a 30+ man in your teens and early twenties

[Anonymous]

I really am shocked at some of these stories. I would be absolutely horrified if my 18 years old daughter started dating a man in his upper 20's or 30's, and would be equally horrified if my son tried to date a teenager at that age. My parents would have felt the same way - especially since a man in his 30's would have been far closer to their age than mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really am shocked at some of these stories. I would be absolutely horrified if my 18 years old daughter started dating a man in his upper 20's or 30's, and would be equally horrified if my son tried to date a teenager at that age. My parents would have felt the same way - especially since a man in his 30's would have been far closer to their age than mine.

That's true but parents are horrified by many things that kids do. At 18 parental feelings begin to matter much less.

[Anonymous]

Man in his late 30's here. I date women in their 20s all the time. They find me (on a dating site) and make first contact. Just went out with a 25 year old last week but she was too disorganized for my liking. Tonight I'm going out with a 22 year old. I'm not controlling -- it's not my style and I want them to be with me by their choice. They seem to like me because of my interesting life experiences and I'm more confident and mature than guys their age.

[Anonymous]

I was 21, he was 32. He was a nice guy but also a guy who was never going to go anywhere. A pessimist who had no motivation and who kind of thought the world was out to get him and his friends. He was a bartender and therefore just in the night life scene in a way that he was never going to recover from, like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting.

I loved him and honestly would have married him if he'd wanted to. He knew he shouldn't really be dating me but did anyway for like a year and a half. He finally broke up with me, and to this day I go between gratitude that he finally did (because I never would have!) and disgust that he took advantage of someone very inexperienced when he clearly knew very well it wasn't a great thing to be doing. He always kept me at arm's length so I never felt close or confident but never pushed me away firmly enough to keep me gone.

It was not a healthy relationship. It's 15 years later now and I am happily married with three kids and I think he is probably basically exactly what he was then. Which is why he was with me then in the first place, an older guy refusing to age past 21. When I got to his age I literally could not have imagined dating a guy that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 21, he was 32. He was a nice guy but also a guy who was never going to go anywhere. A pessimist who had no motivation and who kind of thought the world was out to get him and his friends. He was a bartender and therefore just in the night life scene in a way that he was never going to recover from, like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting.

I loved him and honestly would have married him if he'd wanted to. He knew he shouldn't really be dating me but did anyway for like a year and a half. He finally broke up with me, and to this day I go between gratitude that he finally did (because I never would have!) and disgust that he took advantage of someone very inexperienced when he clearly knew very well it wasn't a great thing to be doing. He always kept me at arm's length so I never felt close or confident but never pushed me away firmly enough to keep me gone.

It was not a healthy relationship. It's 15 years later now and I am happily married with three kids and I think he is probably basically exactly what he was then. Which is why he was with me then in the first place, an older guy refusing to age past 21. When I got to his age I literally could not have imagined dating a guy that age.

Wow I could have written exactly this, down to the guy’s personality, our ages, and the amount of kids I have now. It’s so embarrassing because, at the time, I thought I was just better than the women his age which is why he wanted me. I now realize women his age wouldn’t have touched him with a 10 foot pole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went out on dates with some men in their late twenties early thirties and even a forty year old when I was like eighteen or nineteen. Now looking back in my early forties they were giant creeps and I was lucky the most I was subjected to was suggestive innuendo and never was in private situations where I could have been pressured to do more. They were flat out creeps and had no business propositioning me. I remember the forty year old in particular. I went out for dinner with him, realized he was way too old and didn’t want to see him again. He then gave me a mixed cd at the end of the night with the whole you must return it to me. I was young and naive and didn’t know how to say no and I didn’t want to see him again. I went out with him a couple more times while he would tell me how he used to have a younger gf before avoiding him for good.

You were not that naive. Seems like you knew you were doing, like the attention, money being spent on you, had distain for these men yet kept on “dating “ them.

yes I was for the first time realizing I was attractive and of course I enjoyed the attention and money spent on me. I also thought it how worldly and sophisticated I was for these older men to pay attention to me. But that in itself was naive and stupid because these guys wanted something from me and fortunately somehow I was smart enough they never got it. Now thinking about it I have rage at how they preyed on someone much younger, they had no business asking me out. I was uncomfortable and didn’t know how to reject men and say no snd of course discomfort, they were so okd.

As for attention and money I had plenty of rich young men with wealthy parents my own age paying me attention and I should have never given the old creeps time of day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man in his late 30's here. I date women in their 20s all the time. They find me (on a dating site) and make first contact. Just went out with a 25 year old last week but she was too disorganized for my liking. Tonight I'm going out with a 22 year old. I'm not controlling -- it's not my style and I want them to be with me by their choice. They seem to like me because of my interesting life experiences and I'm more confident and mature than guys their age.

Do you date women your age as well, or women in their twenties exclusively?

Have you ever been married, and do you have children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal. He's my husband now. We have a teen and tween and a dog. Anything else you'd like to know?

Notice how you didn't say how old you were or your husband. Curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a 21 year old college student interning at a law firm and the hot-shot, charismatic junior partner. We would have conversations in his office about life. I ran into him at a happy hour (I heard he was going there and went to find him), we went out late one-on-one and then went to my place and had sex. It went on for the rest of the summer until I went back to school at Tulane. I sent him a couple of handwritten "miss you" notes to his office which must have been cringy since he was (and still is) married.

I got a boyfriend back at school which made me forget about him, but I was definitely in the young and in love. In retrospect, he was a nice guy, amazing in bed and gave me the confidence to go to law school and I am a successful lawyer. Now that men like him are my peers, I can see him as the serial player. But I don't regret it, it was a life experience that helped shape me, for better or worse.

Dp. You knew he was married and had sex with him? You and he are terrible people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a 21 year old college student interning at a law firm and the hot-shot, charismatic junior partner. We would have conversations in his office about life. I ran into him at a happy hour (I heard he was going there and went to find him), we went out late one-on-one and then went to my place and had sex. It went on for the rest of the summer until I went back to school at Tulane. I sent him a couple of handwritten "miss you" notes to his office which must have been cringy since he was (and still is) married.

I got a boyfriend back at school which made me forget about him, but I was definitely in the young and in love. In retrospect, he was a nice guy, amazing in bed and gave me the confidence to go to law school and I am a successful lawyer. Now that men like him are my peers, I can see him as the serial player. But I don't regret it, it was a life experience that helped shape me, for better or worse.

Dp. You knew he was married and had sex with him? You and he are terrible people.

They’re lawyers! Are you surprised?

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of surprised by the shocked reactions on this thread. I'm the PP who dated the 36 year old when I was 18. Dated is strong word. It was an affair. Do I condone the relationship now that I look back on it? No. Would I be horrified if my daughter did the same? Of course. But, at the time, at that time in my life, it felt totally normal to me. I had a crush on him, I pursued him, not the other way around. We did not have sex. Lots of making out of course, but I didn't sleep with him. It was more of an emotional affair other than the physical intimacy. I don't have daddy issues --I had a great relationship with my father.

To me, he was way more interesting than the guys in high school. We were into the same things, like the same movies, music, political interests. I could have conversations with him that were fulfilling. From the outside, of course this sounds disgusting--what is a guy nearly 40 doing with a teenager, but I wasn't 13 for goodness sakes. I was almost in college. I had a sense of maturity about myself. I didn't have low self-esteem--in fact it was the opposite. I was so confident that I basically persistent in pursuing him because I was crushing so hard. I made these decisions--he didn't coerce me or even pressure me. In fact, it was kind of the other way around. I didn't care that he was married. I didn't care that he was older. I know that is terrible that I was the party of an affair and didn't take any consideration of his wife, his marriage, (he had no kids at the time). But, no one knew about us. We had zero mutual connections. My parents didn't know, friends didn't know. No one knows to this day but you all fine people. He was an LD on the Hill, so there does seem to be a trend there according to this thread. He's since divorced and remarried. I do look back on it fondly because I did have a great time with him--I wish we had been closer in age and that he hadn't been married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is crazy. All of these women who say something like “in retrospect he [the older man] was a creep.” You were all young women who chose to date an older man. Nothing wrong with that because you were all adults with agency, free will, and a full capacity for rational thought. 18 year olds can serve in combat for Christ sake!
Nobody was a “predator” when they pursued a relationship with a consenting adult.

Nobody in their right mind thinks 18 years old should be serving in combat. Jeez, their brains are not fully formed.

The average age of military in WW2 was 26, Vietnam 18... that was a FUBAR.

Hey there are 11 year olds in africa that are soldiers,... who the F cares, that is a bad decision.

Lots of bad data in your post. The WWII they drafted up to age 64, so there were lots of older soldiers. The typical private in the US Army infantry in NW Europe in 1945 was close to 20 years old.

In Vietnam they often said the average grunt was 19, but the average age of the dead on the Vietnam Memorial is about 22. It's likely in Vietnam that the typical combat infantry private was 20-22.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man in his late 30's here. I date women in their 20s all the time. They find me (on a dating site) and make first contact. Just went out with a 25 year old last week but she was too disorganized for my liking. Tonight I'm going out with a 22 year old. I'm not controlling -- it's not my style and I want them to be with me by their choice. They seem to like me because of my interesting life experiences and I'm more confident and mature than guys their age.

Ah, but not as confident and mature as men and women your own age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of surprised by the shocked reactions on this thread. I'm the PP who dated the 36 year old when I was 18. Dated is strong word. It was an affair. Do I condone the relationship now that I look back on it? No. Would I be horrified if my daughter did the same? Of course. But, at the time, at that time in my life, it felt totally normal to me. I had a crush on him, I pursued him, not the other way around. We did not have sex. Lots of making out of course, but I didn't sleep with him. It was more of an emotional affair other than the physical intimacy. I don't have daddy issues --I had a great relationship with my father.

To me, he was way more interesting than the guys in high school. We were into the same things, like the same movies, music, political interests. I could have conversations with him that were fulfilling. From the outside, of course this sounds disgusting--what is a guy nearly 40 doing with a teenager, but I wasn't 13 for goodness sakes. I was almost in college. I had a sense of maturity about myself. I didn't have low self-esteem--in fact it was the opposite. I was so confident that I basically persistent in pursuing him because I was crushing so hard. I made these decisions--he didn't coerce me or even pressure me. In fact, it was kind of the other way around. I didn't care that he was married. I didn't care that he was older. I know that is terrible that I was the party of an affair and didn't take any consideration of his wife, his marriage, (he had no kids at the time). But, no one knew about us. We had zero mutual connections. My parents didn't know, friends didn't know. No one knows to this day but you all fine people. He was an LD on the Hill, so there does seem to be a trend there according to this thread. He's since divorced and remarried. I do look back on it fondly because I did have a great time with him--I wish we had been closer in age and that he hadn't been married.

No one's surprised you were into him. It's the other way around. Now that you're an adult, you're supposed to realize that, really, what kind of a loser 36 yo wants to smooch and talk politics with an 18 yo?

[Anonymous]

I was 18 and dated a 29 year old. It was easy for him to manipulate me. He treated me horribly and I was simply too young and inexperienced to understand it. He lied and cheated. Honestly I now wonder a lot about men that need to date much younger.

One of our acquaintances is mid 40's and dated a mid 20's girl. He would tell her what to wear etc, again it was a controlling and manipulative relationship. He is the boss in the relationship.

I understand it works out sometimes but in my experience there was a ton of red flags.