Tinder for dead bedrooms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH married me partly for my sex drive, which is really high. Guess what, a few years into marriage after he was constantly name calling and belittling me, critical and castigating, controlling and inflexible, cursed constantly and treated me like the help, including berating me for my insufficiently obsequious and submissive attitude, I could not bear to have him inside me and dreaded his touch just for the pressure it implied. That, and the toddler was all over me, with which he was no help at all. Expected me to solve it with money. So, if your wife used to want to sleep with you and doesn’t anymore look inside yourself and at how you two get along for what needs to change.

This is so often the cause. Often the criticalness and behavior of the spouse is what makes someone lose the desire. The abuser has no memory or can't see what they are doing so they blame it on spouse's deficiency/libido. Never for once realizing they are the direct cause. They will often spout off and then everything is fine--but the feeling and demoralization simmers and creates resentment that builds over the years in the spouse.

that’s why both spouses need to commit to counseling. Either they work their way through the problem or they can’t and divorce but to stonewall the process and leave one spouse guessing isn’t fair. Ignoring a problem will guarantee it will get worse over time. If a spouse’s behavior is causing a problem then they deserve the chance to fix it but they can’t if they are confronted with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book Come As You Are and give it to your wife too. You could also ask for an open relationship.

Has anyone ever had success giving a book about this subject to their SO when the SO won’t talk about it in the first place?
Seems to me that giving them the book would just piss them off.

First of all the author is a woman. The key points are about what turns women on. OP hasn’t said anything about why his wife doesn’t want sex anymore. Another PP pointed out this pandemic has been soul sucking for most women (myself included). If his wife barely has time to take care of her own needs how could she help meet his sexual ones? OP doesn’t say anything about the relationship other than sex, no idea if he’s helping with the kids or taking some responsibilities off her plate. So the book is first for him.

I also suggested and open relationship and not sure why the only options are divorce or cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

that’s exactly what I do. We don’t really have
time for hobbies for the simple reason pretty much all our “free” time is spent with kids or doing various household chores. We are both very good parents who spend a lot of time and energy on the kids but honestly I think it would healthier over the long term if we both made time for outside interests and friends because before we know it the kids will be on their own.

Meh. You will have years that your kids won’t want to hang out with you at all before they actually leave the house. The time that they think it’s fun to learn how to change the oil on the car or to help put a snake into a clogged drain is fleeting. You will have plenty of time to hit the gym extra hard when they are old enough to join you or be off doing their own thing.

It strikes me that you put “free” time in quotes. You have literally said that being in your home and with children are the most important things in your life. This is the reason that you are going without sex. You would kill for them. And yet, you still think of spending time with them as a chore. I wonder if you have let your wife take too much control of your family life, and you are just performing tasks set before you. Maybe you need to change things up and make your home life suit you better. Your time at home should be your free time, not your “free” time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book Come As You Are and give it to your wife too. You could also ask for an open relationship.

Has anyone ever had success giving a book about this subject to their SO when the SO won’t talk about it in the first place?
Seems to me that giving them the book would just piss them off.

In another response, you mentioned multiple talks about her feeling overwhelmed and the division of labor and childcare. That’s her talking about it. When you say that she won’t talk about it, what exactly are you looking for her to say?

She’s overwhelmed. She needs more help with the household labor and childcare. She needs you. Your kids need you. But they need you at home. No one needs you to start kayaking and spending afternoons with your AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

that’s exactly what I do. We don’t really have
time for hobbies for the simple reason pretty much all our “free” time is spent with kids or doing various household chores. We are both very good parents who spend a lot of time and energy on the kids but honestly I think it would healthier over the long term if we both made time for outside interests and friends because before we know it the kids will be on their own.

Meh. You will have years that your kids won’t want to hang out with you at all before they actually leave the house. The time that they think it’s fun to learn how to change the oil on the car or to help put a snake into a clogged drain is fleeting. You will have plenty of time to hit the gym extra hard when they are old enough to join you or be off doing their own thing.

It strikes me that you put “free” time in quotes. You have literally said that being in your home and with children are the most important things in your life. This is the reason that you are going without sex. You would kill for them. And yet, you still think of spending time with them as a chore. I wonder if you have let your wife take too much control of your family life, and you are just performing tasks set before you. Maybe you need to change things up and make your home life suit you better. Your time at home should be your free time, not your “free” time.

well a lot these things are chores. Picking up the kids, doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, fixing the car etc. yes I love spending time with children but I don’t think I’m the only parent who sometimes find their 6 year old somewhat labor intensive as much as I like singing bob the builder for the 25th time in a row or picking playdoh out of the carpet. Both of us are constantly running around which isn’t a recipe for great intimacy. I just wish she would be willing to work on it with me. And yes she take more control than me. She gets anxious sometimes if I propose something or take initiative. Most of the time it’s easier for me to back down than to argue about it. That’s my character flaw and it doesn’t help sexual intimacy either I’m sure . Again that’s why we need help because I can’t fix this on my own.

But I do appreciate your advice thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

that’s exactly what I do. We don’t really have
time for hobbies for the simple reason pretty much all our “free” time is spent with kids or doing various household chores. We are both very good parents who spend a lot of time and energy on the kids but honestly I think it would healthier over the long term if we both made time for outside interests and friends because before we know it the kids will be on their own.

Meh. You will have years that your kids won’t want to hang out with you at all before they actually leave the house. The time that they think it’s fun to learn how to change the oil on the car or to help put a snake into a clogged drain is fleeting. You will have plenty of time to hit the gym extra hard when they are old enough to join you or be off doing their own thing.

It strikes me that you put “free” time in quotes. You have literally said that being in your home and with children are the most important things in your life. This is the reason that you are going without sex. You would kill for them. And yet, you still think of spending time with them as a chore. I wonder if you have let your wife take too much control of your family life, and you are just performing tasks set before you. Maybe you need to change things up and make your home life suit you better. Your time at home should be your free time, not your “free” time.

well a lot these things are chores. Picking up the kids, doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, fixing the car etc. yes I love spending time with children but I don’t think I’m the only parent who sometimes find their 6 year old somewhat labor intensive as much as I like singing bob the builder for the 25th time in a row or picking playdoh out of the carpet. Both of us are constantly running around which isn’t a recipe for great intimacy. I just wish she would be willing to work on it with me. And yes she take more control than me. She gets anxious sometimes if I propose something or take initiative. Most of the time it’s easier for me to back down than to argue about it. That’s my character flaw and it doesn’t help sexual intimacy either I’m sure . Again that’s why we need help because I can’t fix this on my own.

But I do appreciate your advice thank you.

Pp here.
You need to assert yourself man. I don’t think you should rape your wife, but you need to turn off Bob the Builder and put on some music that you like. Then make a rule about where you can play with play dough.

Backing down to avoid conflict with your six your old is not attractive.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a tinder for dead bedrooms.

It’s called Tinder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think has led to this, OP? Have either of you gained weight? Do you go on dates anymore? Do you both contribute to the household? Seems you should fix the root of the problem. Sure, lots of it is that women lose interest in a partner long-term, but most are willing to make an effort if they are still being treated like they are valued and desired.

she might have gained some during COVID but it’s hard to tell. Honestly we are stressed a lot of the time having two kids and working out a equitable division of labor. It takes a lot of work. We have gone on some dates. We had one on Saturday which was very nice. I really thought it would happen that night but nothing happened.

This sounds like the issue to me. She’s stressed and overworked and probably still feels like she is falling behind. She doesn’t feel beautiful or sexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

that’s exactly what I do. We don’t really have
time for hobbies for the simple reason pretty much all our “free” time is spent with kids or doing various household chores. We are both very good parents who spend a lot of time and energy on the kids but honestly I think it would healthier over the long term if we both made time for outside interests and friends because before we know it the kids will be on their own.

Meh. You will have years that your kids won’t want to hang out with you at all before they actually leave the house. The time that they think it’s fun to learn how to change the oil on the car or to help put a snake into a clogged drain is fleeting. You will have plenty of time to hit the gym extra hard when they are old enough to join you or be off doing their own thing.

It strikes me that you put “free” time in quotes. You have literally said that being in your home and with children are the most important things in your life. This is the reason that you are going without sex. You would kill for them. And yet, you still think of spending time with them as a chore. I wonder if you have let your wife take too much control of your family life, and you are just performing tasks set before you. Maybe you need to change things up and make your home life suit you better. Your time at home should be your free time, not your “free” time.

well a lot these things are chores. Picking up the kids, doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, fixing the car etc. yes I love spending time with children but I don’t think I’m the only parent who sometimes find their 6 year old somewhat labor intensive as much as I like singing bob the builder for the 25th time in a row or picking playdoh out of the carpet. Both of us are constantly running around which isn’t a recipe for great intimacy. I just wish she would be willing to work on it with me. And yes she take more control than me. She gets anxious sometimes if I propose something or take initiative. Most of the time it’s easier for me to back down than to argue about it. That’s my character flaw and it doesn’t help sexual intimacy either I’m sure . Again that’s why we need help because I can’t fix this on my own.

But I do appreciate your advice thank you.

NP. What’s not clear to me is, if your wife told you what she needed would you work for her to have it or would you complain and fantasize about cheating on her and not do anything? If she needed more downtime, more household help, a week off, a weekly massage, whatever, would you make that happen? Because my impression is that she doesn’t think you will, so what is there to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

that’s exactly what I do. We don’t really have
time for hobbies for the simple reason pretty much all our “free” time is spent with kids or doing various household chores. We are both very good parents who spend a lot of time and energy on the kids but honestly I think it would healthier over the long term if we both made time for outside interests and friends because before we know it the kids will be on their own.

Meh. You will have years that your kids won’t want to hang out with you at all before they actually leave the house. The time that they think it’s fun to learn how to change the oil on the car or to help put a snake into a clogged drain is fleeting. You will have plenty of time to hit the gym extra hard when they are old enough to join you or be off doing their own thing.

It strikes me that you put “free” time in quotes. You have literally said that being in your home and with children are the most important things in your life. This is the reason that you are going without sex. You would kill for them. And yet, you still think of spending time with them as a chore. I wonder if you have let your wife take too much control of your family life, and you are just performing tasks set before you. Maybe you need to change things up and make your home life suit you better. Your time at home should be your free time, not your “free” time.

I disagree, there's such a thing as being too enmeshed in family and losing yourself completely in the grind of their needs. I've been there and I think it was a net negative for our family. At a certain point there are diminishing returns to every extra hour of time spent obsessing over what might improve the quality of life for the children. You need to make sure everyone is afloat and thriving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think has led to this, OP? Have either of you gained weight? Do you go on dates anymore? Do you both contribute to the household? Seems you should fix the root of the problem. Sure, lots of it is that women lose interest in a partner long-term, but most are willing to make an effort if they are still being treated like they are valued and desired.

she might have gained some during COVID but it’s hard to tell. Honestly we are stressed a lot of the time having two kids and working out a equitable division of labor. It takes a lot of work. We have gone on some dates. We had one on Saturday which was very nice. I really thought it would happen that night but nothing happened.

This sounds like the issue to me. She’s stressed and overworked and probably still feels like she is falling behind. She doesn’t feel beautiful or sexy.

Sounds like they are both stressed.

OP is a guy so sex is also stress relief. It just works different for women.

I think if she were to take a month or two off and really relax and reset, then this whole thing would look a lot different. The problem is that when you run on the hamster wheel that feeling that it's never enough and you're never enough is always lurking right around the corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

that’s exactly what I do. We don’t really have
time for hobbies for the simple reason pretty much all our “free” time is spent with kids or doing various household chores. We are both very good parents who spend a lot of time and energy on the kids but honestly I think it would healthier over the long term if we both made time for outside interests and friends because before we know it the kids will be on their own.

Meh. You will have years that your kids won’t want to hang out with you at all before they actually leave the house. The time that they think it’s fun to learn how to change the oil on the car or to help put a snake into a clogged drain is fleeting. You will have plenty of time to hit the gym extra hard when they are old enough to join you or be off doing their own thing.

It strikes me that you put “free” time in quotes. You have literally said that being in your home and with children are the most important things in your life. This is the reason that you are going without sex. You would kill for them. And yet, you still think of spending time with them as a chore. I wonder if you have let your wife take too much control of your family life, and you are just performing tasks set before you. Maybe you need to change things up and make your home life suit you better. Your time at home should be your free time, not your “free” time.

well a lot these things are chores. Picking up the kids, doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, fixing the car etc. yes I love spending time with children but I don’t think I’m the only parent who sometimes find their 6 year old somewhat labor intensive as much as I like singing bob the builder for the 25th time in a row or picking playdoh out of the carpet. Both of us are constantly running around which isn’t a recipe for great intimacy. I just wish she would be willing to work on it with me. And yes she take more control than me. She gets anxious sometimes if I propose something or take initiative. Most of the time it’s easier for me to back down than to argue about it. That’s my character flaw and it doesn’t help sexual intimacy either I’m sure . Again that’s why we need help because I can’t fix this on my own.

But I do appreciate your advice thank you.

NP. What’s not clear to me is, if your wife told you what she needed would you work for her to have it or would you complain and fantasize about cheating on her and not do anything? If she needed more downtime, more household help, a week off, a weekly massage, whatever, would you make that happen? Because my impression is that she doesn’t think you will, so what is there to talk about.

if those things led to more intimacy sure but the truth if she asked for those things I’d do them anyway. I try to do a lot of that. I leave work early if she is too tired to pick up the kid on her day. She’s the one who gets to sleep in on weekends. I’m the one who mainly takes the kids to all their events. I’m not saying she doesn’t do a lot. She works extremely hard for our family. But I do too and right now it feels impossible for either of us to get much of a break. I know for a lot of guys sex is stress relief and women it’s hard to have sex without doing the relaxing first. But I don’t know when things will slow down. We will be 60 when the last kid leaves the house. Even when we try to set up special time for ourselves nothing happens. On Valentine’s Day my parents took the kids, we ordered fancy carry out, I gave her a bouquet of roses, shared a bottle of nice champagne, watched a sexy movie and then I gave her a massage. I tried to take things beyond that but nope she wasn’t interested. I get it she just can’t turn on and off desire even if we have a romantic evening but we’ve had sex four times in the last two years and I can’t stand it anymore. Some couples are fine with sexless marriages. I have learned that I’m not and I don’t feel guilty about fantasying about cheating even though I wouldn’t actually do it. She really needs to tell me what I should be doing differently but she won’t. The fact she won’t makes me think the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

that’s exactly what I do. We don’t really have
time for hobbies for the simple reason pretty much all our “free” time is spent with kids or doing various household chores. We are both very good parents who spend a lot of time and energy on the kids but honestly I think it would healthier over the long term if we both made time for outside interests and friends because before we know it the kids will be on their own.

Meh. You will have years that your kids won’t want to hang out with you at all before they actually leave the house. The time that they think it’s fun to learn how to change the oil on the car or to help put a snake into a clogged drain is fleeting. You will have plenty of time to hit the gym extra hard when they are old enough to join you or be off doing their own thing.

It strikes me that you put “free” time in quotes. You have literally said that being in your home and with children are the most important things in your life. This is the reason that you are going without sex. You would kill for them. And yet, you still think of spending time with them as a chore. I wonder if you have let your wife take too much control of your family life, and you are just performing tasks set before you. Maybe you need to change things up and make your home life suit you better. Your time at home should be your free time, not your “free” time.

I disagree, there's such a thing as being too enmeshed in family and losing yourself completely in the grind of their needs. I've been there and I think it was a net negative for our family. At a certain point there are diminishing returns to every extra hour of time spent obsessing over what might improve the quality of life for the children. You need to make sure everyone is afloat and thriving.

Pp here. I think that we are saying the same thing. OP’s home life sucks. His kids make him miserable. His wife makes him miserable. He is spending all of his time fantasizing about escaping to an affair or whatever.
He needs to change it. His life with his family shouldn’t revolve completely around the children. They can do some stuff that dad likes to do. He can turn off Bob the Builder and turn on some ‘90s alternative rock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two choices: have an affair or get a divorce. If you have an affair, do not get caught. I think you should divorce.

Option 3: inform her the marriage is open, then go find a new partner who wants sex with you.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her about your desires and that increased masturbation isn’t cutting it for you. You have the desire to be physically close and intimate with a woman who finds you attractive - ideally, your wife, but she’s not going along with it. Tell her what you’re thinking about (Tinder) and see if she’s: (a) open to you having a lover (or lovers) outside of the marriage OR (b) willing to explore what’s going on with her sex drive to perhaps get you two back in the saddle. If she refuses both, I actually don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to just go ahead and “cheat,” as you will already have outlined your needs and planned solutions. (And I say this as a generally very anti-cheating person/poster.)