Tinder for dead bedrooms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we agree that the same person keeps starting a variation of this thread, over and over and over? Yes, it's clear.

Yep. And I believe commenting on this thread to bump it over and over. Pathetic.

You would think that when somebody compulsively needs to repeatedly justify themselves like this, they would eventually start to get a vague inkling that just maybe they’re doing something wrong. But nah.

I expect another thread shortly about how any woman in a dead-bedroom marriage has implicitly consented to infidelity, and that the man can do whatever he wants without having to gather the courage to have even the the slightest conversation about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we agree that the same person keeps starting a variation of this thread, over and over and over? Yes, it's clear.

Yep. And I believe commenting on this thread to bump it over and over. Pathetic.

You would think that when somebody compulsively needs to repeatedly justify themselves like this, they would eventually start to get a vague inkling that just maybe they’re doing something wrong. But nah.

I expect another thread shortly about how any woman in a dead-bedroom marriage has implicitly consented to infidelity, and that the man can do whatever he wants without having to gather the courage to have even the the slightest conversation about it.

LOL yes. It's so transparent. And to OP, nope. No woman is buying your BS. No woman is going to rush over and spread her legs for her husband because you whined and cried on here for days. If anything, it's even more of a turnoff. And it convinces me that these type of men will be so obnoxious that if they ever do get divorced, they will basically cockblock themselves from ever being in another sexual relationship. Because their behavior and attitude is about as incel as it gets and truly repellant for all functioning humans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, is correct.

While I was married, I had an affair for a few years. That made me realize what I had been missing in my marriage. I feel lucky spouse didn't realize what was going on. I tried everything I could such as got in even better shape, interest in her activities, dating,etc no change or attempt and the sex was terrible after being with affair partner.

Leads me to today, happily divorce with a woman who appreciates me and understands that intimacy is vital component to being in a relationship with me.

I had the opposite situation. Affair wasn’t great. OW was not better and sex is better with my wife, but I wouldn’t have been in the marriage for the long haul if I didn’t have that experience. I saw I wasn’t missing anything and it put into focus how much I do love my wife and kids. It was a low point for me and impetus to change course, get counseling, etc. I’m much happier now.

[Anonymous]

My DH married me partly for my sex drive, which is really high. Guess what, a few years into marriage after he was constantly name calling and belittling me, critical and castigating, controlling and inflexible, cursed constantly and treated me like the help, including berating me for my insufficiently obsequious and submissive attitude, I could not bear to have him inside me and dreaded his touch just for the pressure it implied. That, and the toddler was all over me, with which he was no help at all. Expected me to solve it with money. So, if your wife used to want to sleep with you and doesn’t anymore look inside yourself and at how you two get along for what needs to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, is correct.

While I was married, I had an affair for a few years. That made me realize what I had been missing in my marriage. I feel lucky spouse didn't realize what was going on. I tried everything I could such as got in even better shape, interest in her activities, dating,etc no change or attempt and the sex was terrible after being with affair partner.

Leads me to today, happily divorce with a woman who appreciates me and understands that intimacy is vital component to being in a relationship with me.

I had the opposite situation. Affair wasn’t great. OW was not better and sex is better with my wife, but I wouldn’t have been in the marriage for the long haul if I didn’t have that experience. I saw I wasn’t missing anything and it put into focus how much I do love my wife and kids. It was a low point for me and impetus to change course, get counseling, etc. I’m much happier now.

Good for you for changing, but kind of sucks for your affair? How did the AP react to you dumping her? Did your wife ever find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, is correct.

While I was married, I had an affair for a few years. That made me realize what I had been missing in my marriage. I feel lucky spouse didn't realize what was going on. I tried everything I could such as got in even better shape, interest in her activities, dating,etc no change or attempt and the sex was terrible after being with affair partner.

Leads me to today, happily divorce with a woman who appreciates me and understands that intimacy is vital component to being in a relationship with me.

I had the opposite situation. Affair wasn’t great. OW was not better and sex is better with my wife, but I wouldn’t have been in the marriage for the long haul if I didn’t have that experience. I saw I wasn’t missing anything and it put into focus how much I do love my wife and kids. It was a low point for me and impetus to change course, get counseling, etc. I’m much happier now.

Good for you for changing, but kind of sucks for your affair? How did the AP react to you dumping her? Did your wife ever find out?

It was a no strings thing, at least that’s what we agreed upon. The AP was married too. She didn’t take it well, but thankfully went away and has made no contact since- though I did get rid of any means for contact. It was a lot of stress and wasted time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH married me partly for my sex drive, which is really high. Guess what, a few years into marriage after he was constantly name calling and belittling me, critical and castigating, controlling and inflexible, cursed constantly and treated me like the help, including berating me for my insufficiently obsequious and submissive attitude, I could not bear to have him inside me and dreaded his touch just for the pressure it implied. That, and the toddler was all over me, with which he was no help at all. Expected me to solve it with money. So, if your wife used to want to sleep with you and doesn’t anymore look inside yourself and at how you two get along for what needs to change.

Ouch - that's horrible an I am sorry that happened to you. Hope all is much better now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH married me partly for my sex drive, which is really high. Guess what, a few years into marriage after he was constantly name calling and belittling me, critical and castigating, controlling and inflexible, cursed constantly and treated me like the help, including berating me for my insufficiently obsequious and submissive attitude, I could not bear to have him inside me and dreaded his touch just for the pressure it implied. That, and the toddler was all over me, with which he was no help at all. Expected me to solve it with money. So, if your wife used to want to sleep with you and doesn’t anymore look inside yourself and at how you two get along for what needs to change.

This is so often the cause. Often the criticalness and behavior of the spouse is what makes someone lose the desire. The abuser has no memory or can't see what they are doing so they blame it on spouse's deficiency/libido. Never for once realizing they are the direct cause. They will often spout off and then everything is fine--but the feeling and demoralization simmers and creates resentment that builds over the years in the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, is correct.

While I was married, I had an affair for a few years. That made me realize what I had been missing in my marriage. I feel lucky spouse didn't realize what was going on. I tried everything I could such as got in even better shape, interest in her activities, dating,etc no change or attempt and the sex was terrible after being with affair partner.

Leads me to today, happily divorce with a woman who appreciates me and understands that intimacy is vital component to being in a relationship with me.

I had the opposite situation. Affair wasn’t great. OW was not better and sex is better with my wife, but I wouldn’t have been in the marriage for the long haul if I didn’t have that experience. I saw I wasn’t missing anything and it put into focus how much I do love my wife and kids. It was a low point for me and impetus to change course, get counseling, etc. I’m much happier now.

Good for you for changing, but kind of sucks for your affair? How did the AP react to you dumping her? Did your wife ever find out?

It was a no strings thing, at least that’s what we agreed upon. The AP was married too. She didn’t take it well, but thankfully went away and has made no contact since- though I did get rid of any means for contact. It was a lot of stress and wasted time.

This sounds like the classic midlife thing. A one time thing in a long marriage. Hopefully, it doesn't get out.

[Anonymous]

Staaaaahhhhp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH married me partly for my sex drive, which is really high. Guess what, a few years into marriage after he was constantly name calling and belittling me, critical and castigating, controlling and inflexible, cursed constantly and treated me like the help, including berating me for my insufficiently obsequious and submissive attitude, I could not bear to have him inside me and dreaded his touch just for the pressure it implied. That, and the toddler was all over me, with which he was no help at all. Expected me to solve it with money. So, if your wife used to want to sleep with you and doesn’t anymore look inside yourself and at how you two get along for what needs to change.

This is exactly my story, too. Pre-marriage I literally couldn’t go more than a few days without sex. But after all the berating and belittling, my drive completely disappeared. Even worse was when he would pressure and threaten me into sex, I’d give in but felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin the entire time. I’d cry afterwards and he would just leave the room.

Happily things got better. Now married to someone who treats me well, my sex drive came back, and we have sex nearly daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, is correct.

While I was married, I had an affair for a few years. That made me realize what I had been missing in my marriage. I feel lucky spouse didn't realize what was going on. I tried everything I could such as got in even better shape, interest in her activities, dating,etc no change or attempt and the sex was terrible after being with affair partner.

Leads me to today, happily divorce with a woman who appreciates me and understands that intimacy is vital component to being in a relationship with me.

I had the opposite situation. Affair wasn’t great. OW was not better and sex is better with my wife, but I wouldn’t have been in the marriage for the long haul if I didn’t have that experience. I saw I wasn’t missing anything and it put into focus how much I do love my wife and kids. It was a low point for me and impetus to change course, get counseling, etc. I’m much happier now.

Good for you for changing, but kind of sucks for your affair? How did the AP react to you dumping her? Did your wife ever find out?

How long were you two involved?
It was a no strings thing, at least that’s what we agreed upon. The AP was married too. She didn’t take it well, but thankfully went away and has made no contact since- though I did get rid of any means for contact. It was a lot of stress and wasted time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH married me partly for my sex drive, which is really high. Guess what, a few years into marriage after he was constantly name calling and belittling me, critical and castigating, controlling and inflexible, cursed constantly and treated me like the help, including berating me for my insufficiently obsequious and submissive attitude, I could not bear to have him inside me and dreaded his touch just for the pressure it implied. That, and the toddler was all over me, with which he was no help at all. Expected me to solve it with money. So, if your wife used to want to sleep with you and doesn’t anymore look inside yourself and at how you two get along for what needs to change.

This is exactly my story, too. Pre-marriage I literally couldn’t go more than a few days without sex. But after all the berating and belittling, my drive completely disappeared. Even worse was when he would pressure and threaten me into sex, I’d give in but felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin the entire time. I’d cry afterwards and he would just leave the room.

Happily things got better. Now married to someone who treats me well, my sex drive came back, and we have sex nearly daily.

You are giving me hope. I’m not remarried yet, or even dating anyone. I married late to begin with and then stayed longer than I should have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

that’s exactly what I do. We don’t really have
time for hobbies for the simple reason pretty much all our “free” time is spent with kids or doing various household chores. We are both very good parents who spend a lot of time and energy on the kids but honestly I think it would healthier over the long term if we both made time for outside interests and friends because before we know it the kids will be on their own.