When you pay for your daughter's $$ wedding, what about your sons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all those who wouldn't help the same for their sons as their daughters, I dearly hope we never become in-laws. If by chance we do, I will ensure a strict prenup that will ensure my daughters maintain full financial control over their assets and inheritance.

From very wealthy mom who has evolved past the stone age

This is odd. If we were on the other side we would have the same thing. Why is this news?

Look -- yes I would pay for daughter's wedding -- any amount and I would not allow them to pay a dime. That is dumb. I have money that will be subject to the Estate tax. They do not. I would not let other parents pay. Pay gives control to other parents and I would not do it.

For my son, I will do what most wealthy parents do -- pay for honeymoon. It will be less than the wedding but I am not concerned about coming out dime for dime with each kid. If one went to Harvard and Harvard Law full pay and one did not go to college -- the one that did not go is not getting $500,000 plus. Just the way it goes.

In terms of house -- sure help with down payments if needed. More likely would be gifting maximum every year and there are other ways to transfer assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rich people problem alert! (none of this money will effect our retirement money or plans)

Do you try to make that "fair" with your sons? DH wants to just offer each of the kids the same amount, say $100,000, and let them use for wedding and house downpayment. But in truth, I cannot see denying DD the fancy wedding (which we will all truly enjoy) and also helping her get into her first house. For the oldest son, we paid closing costs and whatever else after DS first secured a mortgage loan on his own, which came to just under $100,000.

I just came here to say that I’m happy that OP recognizes that she is indeed rich

But also, I think your husband has the right idea: offer each kid the same amount of money. My parents gave us $10k towards our wedding. My sisters are highly unlikely to get married, so I really hope my parents also give them $10k for whatever-house/school/investments, etc. but I don’t know if they actually did that because it’s none of my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those who wouldn't help the same for their sons as their daughters, I dearly hope we never become in-laws. If by chance we do, I will ensure a strict prenup that will ensure my daughters maintain full financial control over their assets and inheritance.

From very wealthy mom who has evolved past the stone age

No one. Not one person said they’d pay for daughter’s wedding and would not pay for son’s wedding. It’s also not the question asked. But ok, continue with your fake umbrage.

No one with $100k to spend on daughter’s wedding would not help with son’s wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those who wouldn't help the same for their sons as their daughters, I dearly hope we never become in-laws. If by chance we do, I will ensure a strict prenup that will ensure my daughters maintain full financial control over their assets and inheritance.

From very wealthy mom who has evolved past the stone age

What about My friend with 7 daughters? Does he get a break

Yeah!! He get to insist that the future husbands of his daughters pay their fair share of the wedding too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those who wouldn't help the same for their sons as their daughters, I dearly hope we never become in-laws. If by chance we do, I will ensure a strict prenup that will ensure my daughters maintain full financial control over their assets and inheritance.

From very wealthy mom who has evolved past the stone age

What about My friend with 7 daughters? Does he get a break

Yeah!! He get to insist that the future husbands of his daughters pay their fair share of the wedding too!

According to custom the groom side pays for rehearsal dinner, limos, honeymoon AND house. I be happy to pay for daughters weddings.

My sister her husband to be put 10 percent down, he did 10 percent down and bought house remarriage with my sisters name on title. He had skin in game as well as grooms family. So brides side can do the wedding without fear groom runs off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those who wouldn't help the same for their sons as their daughters, I dearly hope we never become in-laws. If by chance we do, I will ensure a strict prenup that will ensure my daughters maintain full financial control over their assets and inheritance.

From very wealthy mom who has evolved past the stone age

What about My friend with 7 daughters? Does he get a break

Yeah!! He get to insist that the future husbands of his daughters pay their fair share of the wedding too!

According to custom the groom side pays for rehearsal dinner, limos, honeymoon AND house. I be happy to pay for daughters weddings.

My sister her husband to be put 10 percent down, he did 10 percent down and bought house remarriage with my sisters name on title. He had skin in game as well as grooms family. So brides side can do the wedding without fear groom runs off

ment groom 10 percent his parents 10 percent for 20 percent down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thing I am missing a wedding is not a lot of money to do.

I got married in 1998. We did a nice wedding. We kept guests to 110. We had older aunts and uncles and some couples young kids.

We did a 10 am Mass, did a catering hall near church for a 1-6 wedding.

We spent money on great food and drink, dancing. Pre wedding outside top of line food and drinks, sit down dinner. Wonderful desert selection on top of cake.

Everyone stayed to end unlike those crazy 7- midnight weddings where 1/2 folks leave.

In the end since we focused on guests, kept guest list tight we broke even.

My wife and I paid ourself but got 100 percent back in wedding day. So by not doing it would have saved zero.

That is a very transactional view of a celebration.

Y
It is a transactional relationship. My two older sisters and brother were already married. My last sibling emailed a spreadsheet with the names and addresses of relatives who attended. It included the gift amounts given. So I knew the cost of wedding and ballpark the gift. My wife had similar list from older sister.

I knew ball park what my friends give so did wife. Single people always discuss what they give.

My wife and I laying ourselves were willing to lose money. In my case it appeared the closest people first 40 are generous. Next 40 are break even. The further out you go the lower the gift is.

My one uncle is really cheap I still invited him. He gives $25 dollars and expects you to put him up at your house two days and feed him. Luckily my mom got stuck.

Also bitter checks come. One of my wife’s best friends who was 34 and single with a huge high paying job gave $75 dollars. Not even close to cost and was sane amount a 22 year old would give and she made $250k.

Then a few generous folks. I was scrapping nickels together and my old aunts fixed income and my $25 dollar uncle I am fine with but folks who literally are loaded coming to a wedding that is $130 a plate and giving way under is annoying as same folks who brag they do $500 dinners all the time.

I have been giving $1,000 at weddings since around 2008 if kids invited and $500 if just as a couple. Even $500 a couple for a nice place covers the plates but not much left over.

I don’t think folks have to cover plate. But come somewhat close at least if a modest wedding.

Perhaps this is reason couples are skipping big weddings as the guests are stingy. Cause In normal times a $40k wedding you get at least $30-$35k gifts. Today you get no shows and folks show up a used bowl from a flea market

ou made the choice to have the wedding. My husband and I give $50 and that's it. I didn't expect more than that when I got married and it was exciting when it was. We make 200K a year-not here to fund your wedding. I wouldn't pay $130 for a meal of my own choosing, much less for wedding food so now I'm not giving a gift to cover your choice. You could have done cake/punch at the church. Your choice-your financial responsibility. Esp. if I'm flying out, paying for a hotel, taking vacation day, etc. No-just no. Why does your wedding need to cost me money? Do I want to see you? Yes. Do I need to spend $$$$ to do it? No.

[Anonymous]

I think as an Indian parent, I have a certain dream of what the weddings of my kids will look like. I want to invite people that I have spent a lifetime connecting with. So I would want a certain minimum standard to be adhered to and I have my list of guests too. I certainly won’t want to pay for the other party’s guests. I am willing to pay for 20 people from other side but the other party can pay for who so ever else that they they want to invite.

In short, I will pay the same amount for my son’s and my daughter’s wedding and I will pay for events that I want to happen, customs that I want to be observed, and guests that I want to be invited. If the bride and groom and the ILs want to piggyback on the event, and invite their own guests, they will have to cough up the cash for additional guests. And I am certainly not paying for events and ceremonies that is not from my own faith.

If my kids would rather do their own stuff and pay for it themselves, we are more than happy to show up like guests. However, the current trend is that non-Hindus love to get a Bollywood wedding and not spend a dime of their own money.

[Anonymous]

I am pretty traditional. I will pay for college, a new car(so that the kid is able to go to work), a wedding, and college fund for grandkids.
I don’t want to give more than that to any kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think as an Indian parent, I have a certain dream of what the weddings of my kids will look like. I want to invite people that I have spent a lifetime connecting with. So I would want a certain minimum standard to be adhered to and I have my list of guests too. I certainly won’t want to pay for the other party’s guests. I am willing to pay for 20 people from other side but the other party can pay for who so ever else that they they want to invite.

In short, I will pay the same amount for my son’s and my daughter’s wedding and I will pay for events that I want to happen, customs that I want to be observed, and guests that I want to be invited. If the bride and groom and the ILs want to piggyback on the event, and invite their own guests, they will have to cough up the cash for additional guests. And I am certainly not paying for events and ceremonies that is not from my own faith.

If my kids would rather do their own stuff and pay for it themselves, we are more than happy to show up like guests. However, the current trend is that non-Hindus love to get a Bollywood wedding and not spend a dime of their own money.

Ugh.

My (Indian) in-laws did exactly this. We threw, and paid for, our own modest wedding, with our own small guest list. My in-laws insisted on a massive, elaborate wedding, with everyone they'd ever met in attendance. It was the most miserable evening of my entire life. It was all about them, them, them. They also lied through their teeth about what it was, because I asked for it not to be an obnoxious massive affair, and ignored any request I had to not push ceremonies I was uncomfortable with. Many years later, I have never fully forgiven them.

[Anonymous]

Yes and Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thing I am missing a wedding is not a lot of money to do.

I got married in 1998. We did a nice wedding. We kept guests to 110. We had older aunts and uncles and some couples young kids.

We did a 10 am Mass, did a catering hall near church for a 1-6 wedding.

We spent money on great food and drink, dancing. Pre wedding outside top of line food and drinks, sit down dinner. Wonderful desert selection on top of cake.

Everyone stayed to end unlike those crazy 7- midnight weddings where 1/2 folks leave.

In the end since we focused on guests, kept guest list tight we broke even.

My wife and I paid ourself but got 100 percent back in wedding day. So by not doing it would have saved zero.

That is a very transactional view of a celebration.

Y
It is a transactional relationship. My two older sisters and brother were already married. My last sibling emailed a spreadsheet with the names and addresses of relatives who attended. It included the gift amounts given. So I knew the cost of wedding and ballpark the gift. My wife had similar list from older sister.

I knew ball park what my friends give so did wife. Single people always discuss what they give.

My wife and I laying ourselves were willing to lose money. In my case it appeared the closest people first 40 are generous. Next 40 are break even. The further out you go the lower the gift is.

My one uncle is really cheap I still invited him. He gives $25 dollars and expects you to put him up at your house two days and feed him. Luckily my mom got stuck.

Also bitter checks come. One of my wife’s best friends who was 34 and single with a huge high paying job gave $75 dollars. Not even close to cost and was sane amount a 22 year old would give and she made $250k.

Then a few generous folks. I was scrapping nickels together and my old aunts fixed income and my $25 dollar uncle I am fine with but folks who literally are loaded coming to a wedding that is $130 a plate and giving way under is annoying as same folks who brag they do $500 dinners all the time.

I have been giving $1,000 at weddings since around 2008 if kids invited and $500 if just as a couple. Even $500 a couple for a nice place covers the plates but not much left over.

I don’t think folks have to cover plate. But come somewhat close at least if a modest wedding.

Perhaps this is reason couples are skipping big weddings as the guests are stingy. Cause In normal times a $40k wedding you get at least $30-$35k gifts. Today you get no shows and folks show up a used bowl from a flea market

ou made the choice to have the wedding. My husband and I give $50 and that's it. I didn't expect more than that when I got married and it was exciting when it was. We make 200K a year-not here to fund your wedding. I wouldn't pay $130 for a meal of my own choosing, much less for wedding food so now I'm not giving a gift to cover your choice. You could have done cake/punch at the church. Your choice-your financial responsibility. Esp. if I'm flying out, paying for a hotel, taking vacation day, etc. No-just no. Why does your wedding need to cost me money? Do I want to see you? Yes. Do I need to spend $$$$ to do it? No.

BTW you do realize the mothers of the bride and the grooms ask about gifts. Most generous and cheapest come up. $50 has not been a wedding gift since the 1970s. Cake/punch at church? Not a thing on Catholic Church. And even my cousin who did the cheapest wedding on world in the backyard with tents and I thought skimpiest Food possible and a few local HS kids passing around for and drinks cost him at least $70 a person.

BTW there are minimums and fees. Even my local knights of Columbus hall if I ordered pizzas, beer, then a cake and coffee with rental fee hall and food a d required janitor fee for clean up is at least $40 a person.

$50 gift is what my kids get for a back yard bbq birthday party. And I loose money. I have a sister and brother show up three kids. On average just those five people bottle low priced wine, 4-5 beers, 3-6 sodas, 6-9 hamburgers and hotdogs and five slices of cake and salad and appetizers on side. They are giving $10 bucks a person. I appreciate the “gift” but dude giving $50 at a modest wedding is crazy. Don’t give anything you be better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thing I am missing a wedding is not a lot of money to do.

I got married in 1998. We did a nice wedding. We kept guests to 110. We had older aunts and uncles and some couples young kids.

We did a 10 am Mass, did a catering hall near church for a 1-6 wedding.

We spent money on great food and drink, dancing. Pre wedding outside top of line food and drinks, sit down dinner. Wonderful desert selection on top of cake.

Everyone stayed to end unlike those crazy 7- midnight weddings where 1/2 folks leave.

In the end since we focused on guests, kept guest list tight we broke even.

My wife and I paid ourself but got 100 percent back in wedding day. So by not doing it would have saved zero.

That is a very transactional view of a celebration.

Y
It is a transactional relationship. My two older sisters and brother were already married. My last sibling emailed a spreadsheet with the names and addresses of relatives who attended. It included the gift amounts given. So I knew the cost of wedding and ballpark the gift. My wife had similar list from older sister.

I knew ball park what my friends give so did wife. Single people always discuss what they give.

My wife and I laying ourselves were willing to lose money. In my case it appeared the closest people first 40 are generous. Next 40 are break even. The further out you go the lower the gift is.

My one uncle is really cheap I still invited him. He gives $25 dollars and expects you to put him up at your house two days and feed him. Luckily my mom got stuck.

Also bitter checks come. One of my wife’s best friends who was 34 and single with a huge high paying job gave $75 dollars. Not even close to cost and was sane amount a 22 year old would give and she made $250k.

Then a few generous folks. I was scrapping nickels together and my old aunts fixed income and my $25 dollar uncle I am fine with but folks who literally are loaded coming to a wedding that is $130 a plate and giving way under is annoying as same folks who brag they do $500 dinners all the time.

I have been giving $1,000 at weddings since around 2008 if kids invited and $500 if just as a couple. Even $500 a couple for a nice place covers the plates but not much left over.

I don’t think folks have to cover plate. But come somewhat close at least if a modest wedding.

Perhaps this is reason couples are skipping big weddings as the guests are stingy. Cause In normal times a $40k wedding you get at least $30-$35k gifts. Today you get no shows and folks show up a used bowl from a flea market

ou made the choice to have the wedding. My husband and I give $50 and that's it. I didn't expect more than that when I got married and it was exciting when it was. We make 200K a year-not here to fund your wedding. I wouldn't pay $130 for a meal of my own choosing, much less for wedding food so now I'm not giving a gift to cover your choice. You could have done cake/punch at the church. Your choice-your financial responsibility. Esp. if I'm flying out, paying for a hotel, taking vacation day, etc. No-just no. Why does your wedding need to cost me money? Do I want to see you? Yes. Do I need to spend $$$$ to do it? No.

BTW you do realize the mothers of the bride and the grooms ask about gifts. Most generous and cheapest come up. $50 has not been a wedding gift since the 1970s. Cake/punch at church? Not a thing on Catholic Church. And even my cousin who did the cheapest wedding on world in the backyard with tents and I thought skimpiest Food possible and a few local HS kids passing around for and drinks cost him at least $70 a person.

BTW there are minimums and fees. Even my local knights of Columbus hall if I ordered pizzas, beer, then a cake and coffee with rental fee hall and food a d required janitor fee for clean up is at least $40 a person.

$50 gift is what my kids get for a back yard bbq birthday party. And I loose money. I have a sister and brother show up three kids. On average just those five people bottle low priced wine, 4-5 beers, 3-6 sodas, 6-9 hamburgers and hotdogs and five slices of cake and salad and appetizers on side. They are giving $10 bucks a person. I appreciate the “gift” but dude giving $50 at a modest wedding is crazy. Don’t give anything you be better off.

I didn't grow up in an environment where we measured the value of the wedding gift against the cost of inviting the guest to the wedding. That wasn't the point....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of 2 sons here. I haven't thought about wedding costs, yet, but I would absolutely offer to either pay half or give the couple money to use as they wish. I can't believe the people who say they don't pay for their sons' weddings. If you're going to be that old-fashioned, do you refuse to send your daughters to college, too?

I read a study a while ago, that parents of sons are more likely to help with college costs than they are with daughters. One of the reasons given was because they “have” to save for weddings, so sadly some parents do prioritize weddings over college. This was the case with my own family…the boys get college, the girls get weddings. My parents paid for my brother to go to college but refused to help me out in any way. So he’ll be the one handling eldercare.

But I agree, I despise the whole notion that only the brides parents should be responsible for paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thing I am missing a wedding is not a lot of money to do.

I got married in 1998. We did a nice wedding. We kept guests to 110. We had older aunts and uncles and some couples young kids.

We did a 10 am Mass, did a catering hall near church for a 1-6 wedding.

We spent money on great food and drink, dancing. Pre wedding outside top of line food and drinks, sit down dinner. Wonderful desert selection on top of cake.

Everyone stayed to end unlike those crazy 7- midnight weddings where 1/2 folks leave.

In the end since we focused on guests, kept guest list tight we broke even.

My wife and I paid ourself but got 100 percent back in wedding day. So by not doing it would have saved zero.

That is a very transactional view of a celebration.

Y
It is a transactional relationship. My two older sisters and brother were already married. My last sibling emailed a spreadsheet with the names and addresses of relatives who attended. It included the gift amounts given. So I knew the cost of wedding and ballpark the gift. My wife had similar list from older sister.

I knew ball park what my friends give so did wife. Single people always discuss what they give.

My wife and I laying ourselves were willing to lose money. In my case it appeared the closest people first 40 are generous. Next 40 are break even. The further out you go the lower the gift is.

My one uncle is really cheap I still invited him. He gives $25 dollars and expects you to put him up at your house two days and feed him. Luckily my mom got stuck.

Also bitter checks come. One of my wife’s best friends who was 34 and single with a huge high paying job gave $75 dollars. Not even close to cost and was sane amount a 22 year old would give and she made $250k.

Then a few generous folks. I was scrapping nickels together and my old aunts fixed income and my $25 dollar uncle I am fine with but folks who literally are loaded coming to a wedding that is $130 a plate and giving way under is annoying as same folks who brag they do $500 dinners all the time.

I have been giving $1,000 at weddings since around 2008 if kids invited and $500 if just as a couple. Even $500 a couple for a nice place covers the plates but not much left over.

I don’t think folks have to cover plate. But come somewhat close at least if a modest wedding.

Perhaps this is reason couples are skipping big weddings as the guests are stingy. Cause In normal times a $40k wedding you get at least $30-$35k gifts. Today you get no shows and folks show up a used bowl from a flea market

ou made the choice to have the wedding. My husband and I give $50 and that's it. I didn't expect more than that when I got married and it was exciting when it was. We make 200K a year-not here to fund your wedding. I wouldn't pay $130 for a meal of my own choosing, much less for wedding food so now I'm not giving a gift to cover your choice. You could have done cake/punch at the church. Your choice-your financial responsibility. Esp. if I'm flying out, paying for a hotel, taking vacation day, etc. No-just no. Why does your wedding need to cost me money? Do I want to see you? Yes. Do I need to spend $$$$ to do it? No.

BTW you do realize the mothers of the bride and the grooms ask about gifts. Most generous and cheapest come up. $50 has not been a wedding gift since the 1970s. Cake/punch at church? Not a thing on Catholic Church. And even my cousin who did the cheapest wedding on world in the backyard with tents and I thought skimpiest Food possible and a few local HS kids passing around for and drinks cost him at least $70 a person.

BTW there are minimums and fees. Even my local knights of Columbus hall if I ordered pizzas, beer, then a cake and coffee with rental fee hall and food a d required janitor fee for clean up is at least $40 a person.

$50 gift is what my kids get for a back yard bbq birthday party. And I loose money. I have a sister and brother show up three kids. On average just those five people bottle low priced wine, 4-5 beers, 3-6 sodas, 6-9 hamburgers and hotdogs and five slices of cake and salad and appetizers on side. They are giving $10 bucks a person. I appreciate the “gift” but dude giving $50 at a modest wedding is crazy. Don’t give anything you be better off.

I didn't grow up in an environment where we measured the value of the wedding gift against the cost of inviting the guest to the wedding. That wasn't the point....

You are a cheap skate. My invited some deadbeats like you and luckily my in-laws and parents gave extra to cover you. Stay home next time