Questions for sahm moms

[Anonymous]

If you have a full time nanny and SAH, yes I will assume you are either lazy, overwhelmed easily, not resiliant what so ever, or have some mental illness going on (depression, ADHD, etc.).

Having three kids is a lot of work but is totally manageable. Maybe have part time afternoon help or an evening sitter to help of with bedtimes. But 5 days per week full time nanny seems excessive. Guessing you also have help with house cleaning and yard work too..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full time nanny and SAH, yes I will assume you are either lazy, overwhelmed easily, not resiliant what so ever, or have some mental illness going on (depression, ADHD, etc.).

Having three kids is a lot of work but is totally manageable. Maybe have part time afternoon help or an evening sitter to help of with bedtimes. But 5 days per week full time nanny seems excessive. Guessing you also have help with house cleaning and yard work too..

Do you let your kids watch TV? Are all the kids getting enough attention?

Some parents have higher standards, PP. I assume you’re just getting by and your kids are suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full time nanny and SAH, yes I will assume you are either lazy, overwhelmed easily, not resiliant what so ever, or have some mental illness going on (depression, ADHD, etc.).

Having three kids is a lot of work but is totally manageable. Maybe have part time afternoon help or an evening sitter to help of with bedtimes. But 5 days per week full time nanny seems excessive. Guessing you also have help with house cleaning and yard work too..

OP was C-suite at a silicon valley company! I doubt she is lazy, overwhelmed easily, or any of the other things you mentioned....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yawn, try a therapist.

Kinda yeah. This is a question about friendship like any other. "Would people like me if I had a nice car and two good feet?"

[Anonymous]

You have 3 kids 4 and under. I think everyone would think you would need help.

My kids are older now. I actually wish I didn’t invest so much time and energy on mom friends. I now focus more on my own adult friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only want to be mom friends with moms who are into their kids. So no I would not be friends with a sahm who had a nanny.

You’re too stupid to be friends with, PP. SAHMs with nannies are generally very into their children or else they wouldn’t spend the money. They’d just suck at it like you.

If PP is stupid then you are as well. Having a nanny or not having a nanny is usually a function of your finances, not of how much you love your children.

Lol. I said what I said. Sorry I struck a nerve with all the lazy sahms!

Wait, so you won't be friends with working moms then? Because they aren't into their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full time nanny and SAH, yes I will assume you are either lazy, overwhelmed easily, not resiliant what so ever, or have some mental illness going on (depression, ADHD, etc.).

Having three kids is a lot of work but is totally manageable. Maybe have part time afternoon help or an evening sitter to help of with bedtimes. But 5 days per week full time nanny seems excessive. Guessing you also have help with house cleaning and yard work too..

Your martyr medal is in the mail.

[Anonymous]

A lot of SAHM bonding is "we're all in the trenches together." In some geographies having help at home would be common and no one would blink an eye. In others, it would be hard to relate to someone so privileged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4yo, 2yo and 2mo and my job has kind of fallen apart while I’m out on maternity leave. I’m debating staying home for a few years vs diving into the next thing. My husband works long and unpredictable hours and I 100% know I’m not cut out for managing all 3 kids on my own from 6am - 830pm (plus overnight wake ups every days) so if I stay home it’d be with a nanny. Id still be spending basically all day with my kid’s (other than maybe working out or a grocery run or whatever on my own) but from like 830-530 the nanny and I could tag team the kids so everyone’s needs and schedules can be met and the older ones can do fun things and the baby can nap at home and it’s not horribly stressful trying to get all 3 somewhere myself (my 2yo is wild so he takes a lot of physical management which is hard with a baby that needs to be fed and things in tow).

So 1) would you be friends with me / a sahm with a nanny?
2) how do I make friends? I’m hopeful that when my oldest is in K that would help, but we don’t currently have a school that’s a community. It’d be weird to join a baby group as a 3x mom. Our playground is an option but beyond that how can I find other sahm with similar age kids
3) when you’re doing 14+ hours of childcare 7 days a week…how do you not lose yourself? On maternity leave I feel like I just kind of float around invisible to anyone but my kids…I don’t talk to other adults really, I just exist talking endlessly to people under 5 and smelling like spit up. I hope that if I make friends that’ll help, but other tips?

And to spare posters that want to just criticize and not help, I’ll get it out of the way for you
-Omg why’d you have 3 kids if you find taking care of them so hard
- omg how lazy are you that you don’t want to work and need a nanny
- omg why’d you have kids with someone that doesn’t have time for them
- omg you missed have missed the first 4 years of your other kids lives, do they even know you
- omg what example will you be setting for your kids as a sahm

For the record I have yet to meet any mom of little kids that isn’t working her ass off 7 days a week to raise good kids, and that work can take many different forms

OP - -to address your first question, you need to find people more similar to you, as opposed to less similar than you. My SAHM w/nanny friends usually only ran into nannies at the park, etc., which made it slightly challenging to make other mom friends while out and about. Know that other moms (SAHM and not) WILL judge you, even if not out loud. Know that those same moms try to poach nannies - the poachers will chime in trying to contest this statement. It happens. Often. Same moms offer either much more money (to guarantee the steal), or much less money (want you to subsidize, without calling it that), which is interesting. I learned so much over the years, and sometimes (or as in the case of DCUM, often?) take other moms "information" with a grain of salt. Not everyone is your friend, even if they have similar circumstances, but it helps. Depending on where you live, moms can be extremely judgy and backstabbing (close in neighborhoods to the Beltway, for example). Some people can be takers, they can be more common than the givers.

Second question: find something that you like, and spend at least a couple hours a week doing it. Like attracts like.

Third question: see second question. Baby steps, so to speak. Sounds cliche, but seriously, take a class.

You do what works for you - protect YOUR family.

Honestly, you should probably devote at least half your time to something you like doing - an activity, not sleep. So many moms I know/knew, over the years claimed to be working full time, when what they were really doing is sleeping half the time. Then they wonder why they are depressed and overwhelmed - easy answer: lack of structure. Same people complain about money. Don't let other people's problems become your problems. SAHMs come with a little drama, just like anything.

Enjoy your family, this time passes so quick!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of SAHM bonding is "we're all in the trenches together." In some geographies having help at home would be common and no one would blink an eye. In others, it would be hard to relate to someone so privileged.

True, but either sentiment happens in all areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only want to be mom friends with moms who are into their kids. So no I would not be friends with a sahm who had a nanny.

You’re too stupid to be friends with, PP. SAHMs with nannies are generally very into their children or else they wouldn’t spend the money. They’d just suck at it like you.

If PP is stupid then you are as well. Having a nanny or not having a nanny is usually a function of your finances, not of how much you love your children.

Lol. I said what I said. Sorry I struck a nerve with all the lazy sahms!

Wait, so you won't be friends with working moms then? Because they aren't into their kids?

DP here. The debate of SAHM vs. working mom is REAL.

OP, the only difference you might see is that working moms allocate their time differently. My working mom friends, who went/go to an actual office 9-5 (not "consultants") - they tend/ed to be really good at doing their career well, shopping, cooking, cleaning, keeping the kids and house and yard in order, etc. - while my SAHM friends, over the years, seemed more "overwhelmed". Again, lack of structure is a killer to most people (as I said upthread).

Don't listen to the other noise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of SAHM bonding is "we're all in the trenches together." In some geographies having help at home would be common and no one would blink an eye. In others, it would be hard to relate to someone so privileged.

It sounds like OP is still going to be spending most of the day with at least one of her children. If she takes the 2 and 4 yo to the park while the nanny watches the baby, how is she any different from a SAHM of two with her two kids at the park?

You might say "oh, the nannny can watch her kids while she exercises and goes to appointments." Well, I stay at home, and my husband has a pretty flexible job and can watch our kids if I have an appointment, and he comes home at 530 and I exercise. OP's husband works long hours - she probably doesn't have that kind of help. It's like a SAHM i live down the street from - her husband is a lawyer, he works all day 7-7. We both stay at home, but her life is honestly way harder than mine bc of her husband's job. She has a lot of challenges I don't have even though we both stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full time nanny and SAH, yes I will assume you are either lazy, overwhelmed easily, not resiliant what so ever, or have some mental illness going on (depression, ADHD, etc.).

Having three kids is a lot of work but is totally manageable. Maybe have part time afternoon help or an evening sitter to help of with bedtimes. But 5 days per week full time nanny seems excessive. Guessing you also have help with house cleaning and yard work too..

So you weed out friends with depression or adhd? Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full time nanny and SAH, yes I will assume you are either lazy, overwhelmed easily, not resiliant what so ever, or have some mental illness going on (depression, ADHD, etc.).

Having three kids is a lot of work but is totally manageable. Maybe have part time afternoon help or an evening sitter to help of with bedtimes. But 5 days per week full time nanny seems excessive. Guessing you also have help with house cleaning and yard work too..

So you weed out friends with depression or adhd? Nice.

Actually it is nice bc she won’t bother them. Who the hell would want to be friends with PP