Questions for sahm moms
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Anonymous
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I have a 4yo, 2yo and 2mo and my job has kind of fallen apart while I’m out on maternity leave. I’m debating staying home for a few years vs diving into the next thing. My husband works long and unpredictable hours and I 100% know I’m not cut out for managing all 3 kids on my own from 6am - 830pm (plus overnight wake ups every days) so if I stay home it’d be with a nanny. Id still be spending basically all day with my kid’s (other than maybe working out or a grocery run or whatever on my own) but from like 830-530 the nanny and I could tag team the kids so everyone’s needs and schedules can be met and the older ones can do fun things and the baby can nap at home and it’s not horribly stressful trying to get all 3 somewhere myself (my 2yo is wild so he takes a lot of physical management which is hard with a baby that needs to be fed and things in tow).
So 1) would you be friends with me / a sahm with a nanny? 2) how do I make friends? I’m hopeful that when my oldest is in K that would help, but we don’t currently have a school that’s a community. It’d be weird to join a baby group as a 3x mom. Our playground is an option but beyond that how can I find other sahm with similar age kids 3) when you’re doing 14+ hours of childcare 7 days a week…how do you not lose yourself? On maternity leave I feel like I just kind of float around invisible to anyone but my kids…I don’t talk to other adults really, I just exist talking endlessly to people under 5 and smelling like spit up. I hope that if I make friends that’ll help, but other tips? And to spare posters that want to just criticize and not help, I’ll get it out of the way for you -Omg why’d you have 3 kids if you find taking care of them so hard - omg how lazy are you that you don’t want to work and need a nanny - omg why’d you have kids with someone that doesn’t have time for them - omg you missed have missed the first 4 years of your other kids lives, do they even know you - omg what example will you be setting for your kids as a sahm For the record I have yet to meet any mom of little kids that isn’t working her ass off 7 days a week to raise good kids, and that work can take many different forms |
Anonymous
| I’ve been both a SAHM and a WOHM and have friends in both camps, so I hate the wars, they’re so silly. Currently SAHM due to the pandemic and number of young kids I have. I am pretty friendly and meet a lot of parents at playgrounds. I make sure to take self care time and that means DH understanding that even though I’m not working-working that I am doing demanding work, and need a break. Schedule in regular time to yourself and indulge in whatever you want, I caution against filling it up with volunteering or anything kid related though. Exercise, classes, reading, shopping, meeting a friend for coffee, etc. |
Anonymous
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SAHM here
1) sure. Why not? 2) neighbors with kids of similar ages, generic moms groups, kids classmates moms or coop moms if you homeschool, playground, JCC/synagogue or church, online communities etc 3) make time for a shower every day no matter what, hire help if you can afford it, keep in touch regularly with family/friends even if just virtually, find your self care time (everybody is different; could be getting a coffee outside, pray/meditate, a brisk walk in the park, listening to music or reading etc) Wishing you and your family all the best |
Anonymous
| Yawn, try a therapist. |
Anonymous
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1. Don't care what your situation is as long as we get along
2. Playground and kids groups, but I also joined non parenting activities 3. I didn't do 14/7. More like 9/5. You need to spend some of the time nanny is there to focus on yourself and your own needs. |
Anonymous
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1) I would be friends with a SAHM with a nanny, but just be cognizant that not all SAHMs have that kind of help. I don’t just mean don’t mention your nanny constantly. Also understand that your new SAHM friend may have less bandwidth than you do because she can’t afford to hire childcare. So keep that in the back of your head as you navigate this.
2) Playgtounds, plus classes for your older kids (dance, music, gymnastics, swimming, etc.). Also get plugged into events for this age group in your area. My area has stuff like periodic concerts for kids at a local food hall, arts and crafts events at a local restaurant, etc. Your 4 yo is either in PK or starting K soon— get involved with that in some capacity as well. And do drop off and pick up (baby in carrier, leave 2 yo with nanny). That’s how you get to know the other parents, and babies are instant conversation starters! 3) Workout routine, periodic outings with my “old” friends (so not just my mom friends, but people who knew me in the before times), reading (books, the news), and some side projects. People joke about SAHMs and their side businesses because of MLMs (and just… people hate SAHMs sometimes) but having something you are working on that has nothing to do with your kids is great. Write a book, learn to tap dance, join a French Club, etc. or, yes, start a business if that’s something that interests you (though this is a lot of work, actually so I would not start there). The point is— set aside some time every week that is just about you and fill it with something meaningful to you. That isn’t your kids. Even if it’s only a few hours. And no criticism here. I get it. Especially with 3 at those ages! Good luck. |
Anonymous
| I’m a temporary SAHM and the culture I’ve found is definitely “we work so hard during the day, kids are exhausting, let’s bond over this.” If you have a nanny I don’t think the typical subset of SAHMs are going to be your people. Not sure who is. |
Anonymous
| Omg are you kidding me? Don’t work if you can stay home with your kids AND have a nanny if that’s what you want to do and it makes for your family JUST DO IT. |
Anonymous
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1) I am a SAHM with a nanny and I have plenty of friends. SAHMs, WOHMs, and SAHMs with nannies.
2) Playground, Kids lessons, FB mom groups, Peanut. 3) Take breaks for yourself, the nanny should help. Hang out with other moms. Do something for yourself when your time frees up. |
Anonymous
| Cannot comprehend being a SAHM and having a nanny. |
Anonymous
They don't stay at home or spend time with the kids except they pick and choose the social/visible things to make them look good and the nanny does the hard work. We all know who you are when you show up with 1 kid and put on a show. Plenty of mom's you can be friends with. |
Anonymous
OP- don’t let anyone shame you about this I have 3 kids and a nanny so I know how this works. You’re fortunate enough to have this set up and many people will be SUPER jealous. It’s not the struggle olympics. Just ignore the comments and keep it to yourself. You can focus on being the mom you’d like to be while taking care of yourself too. Enjoy it. It’s amazing. Try the peanut app for making mom friends. |
Anonymous
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Do you already have a nanny now that you’d be keeping?
I SAH with a 30-hour per week housekeeper, plus a babysitter several days a week who works a flexible schedule. I prefer this to having a nanny because 1) I don’t want to do housework, and the housekeeper does everything from laundry and toilets to cleaning up breakfast and lunch dishes (she leaves mid afternoon), and 2) I didn’t want someone around ALL the time and our babysitter (who is a graduate student) likes working random hours - like, Monday and Thursday afternoon, Wednesday morning, and the occasional Friday. Also, almost no one realizes our housekeeper comes daily a d it’s not unusual to have a weekly house cleaner, and lots of sahms have an occasional babysitter so no one blinks at that either. Anyway as to making friends, get your oldest in a preschool that is either a co-op or has volunteer requirements. Schools really are the best way to build a community of parent friends. And here’s good tips here for not losing yourself. I’ve SAH with far less help and the way people “lose themselves” is by having too much work and too little time to themselves. As long as you can afford help, and don’t hesitate to do so, it shouldn’t be hard to carve out time to focus on your own thing once in a while. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Sure, I live in a wealthy area and have plenty of other SAHM friends with au pairs or nannies.
I met my friends through church, preschool and local playgrounds. I loved doing classes like baby and me music, but didn’t find it that easy to really befriend the moms with those - it was more just fun excursions for us. Preschool is different - join the PTA, volunteer to co chair one of the events, and slowly but surely you’ll find a group of women you click with. My kids are a bit older now but I never felt like I lost myself - I truly treasured my days with the kids. I worked out routinely, putting the kids in either preschool or the gym daycare accordingly. I think that hour of me time kept me sane. |
Anonymous
+1 Read your OP. You’re so worried about yourself. “How do I make friends?” “How do I not lose myself?” I know you don’t want criticism, so how about some facts from some of us on the other side. These years are short. They are all about the kids. Kids are self-centered overlords of their own world! Just focus on keeping them alive, getting enough sleep, keeping the house relatively not condemned, and try to have nutrition for everyone most of the time. Try to appreciate and love your DH too. Try to all get fresh air and an elevated heart rate. Nothing is forever, but this is your life right now. |