What to do when kids overhear one spouse pushing the other one?
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Anonymous
| I’m not looking for judgement about my marriage, just damage control. Last night my DH and I got into a heated argument, I tried to leave the room, he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back in, which resulted in me falling backwards on the floor and against the wall while holding a cordless vaccuum. It was very loud and I yelled, “Don’t push me! What’s wrong with you?” He then blocked the door while I yelled, about 3-4 times, “Let me out. Stop it.” He then said, very loudly, “I didn’t push you. Stop making up lies.” Turns out our kids were in the hallway outside our door and heard. They are 12 and 14. We each apologized for fighting, but didn’t specifically mention the physical part since, at that point, I didn’t know they heard that part and was hoping they didn’t. The reason I know they heard that part is I caught them texting each other after they were supposed to be in bed, took their phones downstairs, and read the texts, which were along the lines of “did he push her?” “I don’t know” This is the first time they have heard something like that. It’s not the first time it’s happened, but it hasn’t happened in years. Obviously, there is a huge marital issue we need to address. But in the interim, what should we do to address what the kids heard? I understand this is beyond the pale, and I’m devastated, so any non-judgmental advice would be much appreciated. Unfortunately, the therapist can’t talk until Monday. |
Anonymous
| People argue, so what? Your kids are old enough to know that their parents aren't perfect. They aren't going to be traumatized. Carry on. |
Anonymous
| I am sorry this happened to you and that your kids heard it. What he did by blocking you from leaving the room is called false imprisonment. It is grounds for a temporary protective order. |
Anonymous
|
I'm sorry OP. This is a lot.
Do your kids have a therapist? It seems they should. Even if this has not happened "in years" it's still likely something they've noticed and was burned into their brains if they saw or heard it happen previously. In the immediate, I think you and your DH need to talk with them about it again and be specific. I think it their imaginations will run wild unless you discuss it directly. Maybe you can sit them down and say "During our argument we both got very angry. In our anger we used our hands which is not how people should resolve arguments" or something like that? When you say you apologized for fighting, did you apologize to the kids or to each other in front of them? I think the latter is more powerful/important here. |
Anonymous
|
OP I'm so sorry. I know you're trying to figure out what to say to the kids but I think you need to stop and do some self-assessment first. What happens next in your marriage is going to dictate how to approach your kids. I recognize that you may not know what your next step is. But if you and your husband recognize that the dynamic you have is not sustainable (bc it's not), and you're going to change it, that's one message. And your DH should be on board. If he's not, or can't admit what happened here, that's a different message, because it means a separation may be forthcoming.
FYI your description of him pulling you which "resulted" in you falling to the floor, etc., reads as an attempt at minimization. Your kids are hearing your husband physically abuse you. It's terrifying. Poster upthread blowing this off is wrong. |
Anonymous
| The yelling at you to "stop making up lies" after he assaulted you would be the final straw for me. I would be contacting a lawyer today. |
Anonymous
| He physically restrained you and moved you where he wanted you to be. That’s a problem, whether you fell or he “pushed” you or not. You seem to frame this as an equal fight, and something “we” need to address, but for your sake and the sake of (at least) your kids’ perspective on what is acceptable, you need to acknowledge that he is the aggressor in this altercation and you were the victim. It was not a benign squabble. |
Anonymous
+1. That isn't forgivable. |
Anonymous
| You need a therapist, OP. Get some professional advice about how to proceed, both in your marriage and in talking to your kids. |
Anonymous
Kids aren’t going to be traumatized by dad getting physical with mom? You’re full of it. |
Anonymous
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If you and your husband are both in a place to speak honestly about the incident and have next steps to make sure it doesn't happen again, that's a conversation you can have with your kids that won't be easy but can be productive.
If he's denying and minimizing and you aren't sure what comes next, I'm not sure what you say to the kids. I guess I would just hold until you talk to the therapist and get some expert advice. |
Anonymous
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You guys need to go into family therapy as soon as possible. This was traumatizing for your kids to overhear, even if they didn't see it.
I'm saying this as someone who grew up witnessing violence in the home, married to someone who heard but did not see incidents such as you described. This is something that could really affect your sons down the line. They already feel guilty probably that they didn't do anything to prevent it. I would not try to talk to them outside of the therapist office. Let a professional handle this so you and your husband don't do more damage. Hopefully family therapy can help you all hash out some safety rules and boundaries. The ideal thing would be to sit down with your kids and let them know that what happened is something you and dad will deal with separately, with your own therapist, and that you're also all going to go to talk with someone since they heard it. |
Anonymous
This. A divorce. |
Anonymous
Thanks everyone, for all your thoughts. This is the part that makes my stomach churn the most. He also sent me a text saying the same thing, I guess thinking if he documents it in a text, it somehow adds credibility to his story, assuming I plan to tell someone about this, like a lawyer. The other part that makes me think this may not be salvageable is that he seems to believe that the worst part is that I “let” the kids hear by yelling so loud. While I wish they hadn’t heard, I don’t think I’m the one who needs to take responsibility for what he did, nor do I think he should expect me to cover for him in the moment. |
Anonymous
As a general rule and within reason, kids are less traumatized by things that happen once than by things that happen repeatedly over time. I agree with others that the gaslighting/coverup is much more troubling than the pushing. One is impulsive the other is controlling. |