What to do when kids overhear one spouse pushing the other one?

[Anonymous]

What did you respond to the text?

NEVER respond in a way that indicates he did not assault you.

Reiterate that you did not intend for the children to hear you. That you yelled out of fear and pain. Insist that in the future he lets you walk away, instead of physically forcing you back into the room and blocking your exit.

[Anonymous]

I would do research on how verbal and physical assault and gaslighting between parents impacts kids. Just start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do research on how verbal and physical assault and gaslighting between parents impacts kids. Just start there.

To expand in this: this isn’t a judgment or a hint about what you should do, it’s just that before you decide what to do, you need to understand what your kids are going through. At this point it’s just gathering information to guide your decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you respond to the text?

NEVER respond in a way that indicates he did not assault you.

Reiterate that you did not intend for the children to hear you. That you yelled out of fear and pain. Insist that in the future he lets you walk away, instead of physically forcing you back into the room and blocking your exit.

OP here- I said “you know what you did. You pushed me and blocked me from leaving the room. Stop trying to cover this up.” To which he responded, “you are a liar. You’ve tried this before. Complete liar. You are hurting the kids.”

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling is pointless in this case. Make your exit plan and get out ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People argue, so what? Your kids are old enough to know that their parents aren't perfect. They aren't going to be traumatized. Carry on.

Kids aren’t going to be traumatized by dad getting physical with mom? You’re full of it.

Remember the factual narrative was the Mom's version. Who knows exactly what happened in that room. The Mom admitted they have a bad marriage asked for people not to be judgmental, so please follow her wishes and avoid the DCUM "blame the man" narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People argue, so what? Your kids are old enough to know that their parents aren't perfect. They aren't going to be traumatized. Carry on.

Kids aren’t going to be traumatized by dad getting physical with mom? You’re full of it.

Remember the factual narrative was the Mom's version. Who knows exactly what happened in that room. The Mom admitted they have a bad marriage asked for people not to be judgmental, so please follow her wishes and avoid the DCUM "blame the man" narrative.

Okay this is wild to me. Why do people read a post, decide the OP is flat-out lying, and the respond based on the assumption that OP is lying? Sure, OP could be lying. OP could be making the whole thing up. That happens all the time on the internet. But what’s the point of giving advice or responding anything but “I think you’re lying because women lie” if you don’t believe OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry this happened to you and that your kids heard it. What he did by blocking you from leaving the room is called false imprisonment. It is grounds for a temporary protective order.

If this is type of bullying argument is happening a lot - verbal abuse, physical pushing, blocking and followed up with gaslighting and lying- and you are considering divorce, talk to your chosen atty asap and get the PO.

You said normal stuff to his terrible behavior.

Does he have any mental illnesses or disorders, not that any excuse his terrible behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The yelling at you to "stop making up lies" after he assaulted you would be the final straw for me. I would be contacting a lawyer today.

Agree, this type of response to pulling or pushing someone to the point they fall over and slam a wall is in the realm of psychotic or sociopath.

[Anonymous]

1) Do not do couples counseling. That is NOT recommended in these types of situations.

2) Think about your kids, and what example you want to set. If your kid was in a relationship or a marriage where someone pushed them and blocked them physically from removing themselves from a situation, then tried to gaslight them - what would you want them to do? Honestly - there's not one answer here. But if your answer is "I would want them to at least temporarily separate for their own safety" then that's what you should do.

Whatever you do here is what you're teaching them to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The yelling at you to "stop making up lies" after he assaulted you would be the final straw for me. I would be contacting a lawyer today.

Thanks everyone, for all your thoughts. This is the part that makes my stomach churn the most. He also sent me a text saying the same thing, I guess thinking if he documents it in a text, it somehow adds credibility to his story, assuming I plan to tell someone about this, like a lawyer. The other part that makes me think this may not be salvageable is that he seems to believe that the worst part is that I “let” the kids hear by yelling so loud. While I wish they hadn’t heard, I don’t think I’m the one who needs to take responsibility for what he did, nor do I think he should expect me to cover for him in the moment.

What a bastard.

He’s ruined all trust and reliability to try to save his ego and image. But to whom? Not you- you know the truth. Or the kids- they know the truth.

He’s lying to himself. Or he’s a narc and thinks he can make up his own narrative and others question what they saw and heard. Not more than once though… Which means he’s a mental case. He’s fighting and arguing to preserve his image of himself, for himself. He could care less about the damage to you, the marriage, the kids. It’s all about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you respond to the text?

NEVER respond in a way that indicates he did not assault you.

Reiterate that you did not intend for the children to hear you. That you yelled out of fear and pain. Insist that in the future he lets you walk away, instead of physically forcing you back into the room and blocking your exit.

OP here- I said “you know what you did. You pushed me and blocked me from leaving the room. Stop trying to cover this up.” To which he responded, “you are a liar. You’ve tried this before. Complete liar. You are hurting the kids.”

I would respond with: "Since we both agree this is hurting the kids, will you go to family therapy with me and the boys to discuss what we can do to make the dynamics in our house better? In the meantime, I suggest we take a break from this argument because I don't think we can talk constructively now."

If he agrees, you set a date by which you both come up with a list and start calling people. It can take time to find someone.

If he won't go to family or marital therapy then you need to discuss your next steps with a lawyer, assuming you don't want to stay in this relationship as it presently is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you respond to the text?

NEVER respond in a way that indicates he did not assault you.

Reiterate that you did not intend for the children to hear you. That you yelled out of fear and pain. Insist that in the future he lets you walk away, instead of physically forcing you back into the room and blocking your exit.

OP here- I said “you know what you did. You pushed me and blocked me from leaving the room. Stop trying to cover this up.” To which he responded, “you are a liar. You’ve tried this before. Complete liar. You are hurting the kids.”

Ugh I’m so sorry Op.

This type of high conflict troubled individual is horrible to live with, coparent with, go to court with.

Just blames you for his actions. Defects and blames. Has he been doing that for his minor and major mistakes his whole life??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People argue, so what? Your kids are old enough to know that their parents aren't perfect. They aren't going to be traumatized. Carry on.

Kids aren’t going to be traumatized by dad getting physical with mom? You’re full of it.

Remember the factual narrative was the Mom's version. Who knows exactly what happened in that room. The Mom admitted they have a bad marriage asked for people not to be judgmental, so please follow her wishes and avoid the DCUM "blame the man" narrative.

Okay this is wild to me. Why do people read a post, decide the OP is flat-out lying, and the respond based on the assumption that OP is lying? Sure, OP could be lying. OP could be making the whole thing up. That happens all the time on the internet. But what’s the point of giving advice or responding anything but “I think you’re lying because women lie” if you don’t believe OP?

NP. There could be five million things happening here, none of which a third person observer is qualified to comment on at a distance. The important thing is that OP get herself and her husband into counseling, and her family into counseling, so they can figure out what the next steps should be. No one wants to live like this but they seem to be at an impasse.

[Anonymous]

Individual therapy plus lawyer consults.

Document everything. Keep an logbook.

Confirm with your kids what happened. They are witnesses. Take photos of dented walls, bruises, etc.

Go to your gP asap And document it, fill them in on the entire situation and length of it.