Explain this behavior to me

[Anonymous]

I have been dating a man for a couple of months (he is late 30s); we do not see each other often (every few weeks—not going to get into details about that). I am divorced with kids. (No, kids have not met him).

Anyway, we had planned to meet last night but I texted him during the day (and the day before) about asking when and where we should meet. He texted right after work and said he would call in a bit. I said during my texts earlier (around 4 pm) if I don’t have a plan of where to go and when it gets hard for me to do things last minute. I said let’s meet another time (and suggested two other dates) since we did not have firm plans and let’s talk after 8:45 p.m. after my kids go to bed.

He calls me at 8:10 p.m. He says at the beginning of the call, “How are you? Seems like you are MIA lately.” I said, “No, it seems the other way around.” I have been trying to nail down a time to meet on Thursday for days. (I am not needy and don’t text every day but I have been the one trying to get a firm time out of him to meet and personally, I don’t like last-minute day of meetups.) The chat after that was fine. I talk to him for about 10 minutes. Then I tell him I can call him back in a half an hour after kids are asleep because I have to put them to bed.

I call him back exactly when I said I would. He does not answer. I try again 30 minutes later. He does not answer. I text him back that he can call back if he wants to chat and say I tried calling him back. He did not text back. It is now noon the next day…have not heard anything.

This exchange is bothering me now. I feel like his behavior is passive aggressive—or something.

Also, when I first met him, about a week or two later he said he was going to call Friday night. I said I was not going to be available but we could chat the next day. He ended up calling exactly when I said I was not going to be around and could not pick up the phone. Then I ended up having to call him back that night but was super annoyed he called when I said I would not be able to talk. I feel like it is the same thing last night…I said let’s call after 8:45 pm when I put the kids to bed and he calls at 8:10 p.m. It feels like the same thing.

What is going on here? Is this passive aggressive behavior or what?

[Anonymous]

Just move on!

-A guy

[Anonymous]

Gently: does it matter what’s going on? What matters is if you want to deal with it.

Personally, I wouldn’t. You have very little invested in this dude. Consider moving on.

[Anonymous]

Why would you want to stay in this relationship. Single us better than wasting your headspace on this. Cut out.

[Anonymous]

He may be inattentive, or just cannot plan ahead in general. The latest incident does seem to point to passive aggressiveness. In any event, I'd drop him. He's single and never been a parent, I gather. He doesn't understand your need for planning ahead and working around your kids' schedule. It's not going to get better. He may always be a fly by the seat of his pants type of guy and it's not compatible with you.

[Anonymous]

Seems you are incompatible. At the very least. Or he’s playing games. Move on.

[Anonymous]

agree with the others. Who cares why he's doing this. It's annoying and clearly doesn't work with how you are (and there's nothing wrong with how you are). You're in early days of the relationship. Don't bother taking it further.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? There is nothing to figure out. If a man is into you, he makes it clear.

[Anonymous]

I doubt it's passive-aggressive, more likely the simpler answer which is he's oblivious and a poor communicator.

If you still think you want to be with him you could find time to tell him that you feel that you two have been out of sync lately with your communication. Express your frustration that you feel like the times where you've said you're explicitly unavailable he has contacted you, which he is then interpreting as you being MIA. Reiterate that you're not trying to be MIA and do want to talk to him and spend time with him, but that because of your demands with the kids you need not only a more clear schedule of your time but also need that schedule to be clearly communicated and kept to.

If he feels he's being attacked, if he feels this is lacking in spontaneity that he wants from a relationship, if he thinks you're blowing it out of proportion, etc., etc., then he is not the one for you right now.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. He only wants to be with you if you are willing to follow his rules. Block him and move on

[Anonymous]

Block and delete.

[Anonymous]

Please do not give him another chance like 12:53 suggests! He has shown you who he is, which is someone who doesn't care enough to hear you or respect your boundaries. You are likely coming across as "nice," so he's seeing what he can get away with. Don't communicate with him further and if he calls you tell him that you can't see him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Block and delete.

This

[Anonymous]

It's pretty clear that he is just not into you OP, although I know it can be hard when you are the one involved with these types.
Unless you're ok being treated as someone to hook up with whenever it's convenient for him, just forget about this guy and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Block and delete.

This

Your problem is so easy to solve by implementing the above suggestion.