13 year old DD got in trouble at school - Consequences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

3 weeks is NOT long enough. Your child showed you who she is so believe her. She’s not mature enough to handle having screens. You’re blaming her ADHD whilst giving her items that blatantly make it worse. This is YOUR FAULT! Now grow a pair and parent the child you have, the one that can’t handle screens.

[Anonymous]

You are so full of excuses, I see why your child is becoming an evil little brat.

[Anonymous]

Why does she have an IEP and not a 504?

Either way. She loses the phone for at least a month. And when month is up doesnt take it to school anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

That isn't what the ISS was for though. I'm surprised the principal was in agreement with you on this. The ISS was for insubordination, NOT using the phone in class. The only punishment for using the phone in class was (supposed to be) handing it over for the rest of the day. Our FCPS MS and HS both have that rule.

The principal doesn't want a complaint filed that a kid with an IEP was suspended when the reason for suspension could be potentially tied to their disability. The daughter is likely to get away with more in school because the parents complained and now there will be additional meetings with the IEP team to review the incident and there is the possibility of a behavior plan needing to be created and followed. Mom and Dad successfully deterred future behavior corrections by making more work for the staff. Yeah them.

The suspension wasn't for the phone; it was for refusing to turn the phone over to the VP. I doubt that the VP jumped from a first refusal to a suspension and that there was more that happened there. If that is the case, then I would agree that suspension was a bit much and give a detention or two. If the kid continued to refuse and their behavior was bad enough that the VP refused to allow the kid to return to class, then I can see a suspension. The rules for suspending a kid with an IEP are different because there are procedures to do so.

But yeah, this kid is going to get away with what she wants because her parents don't want to see that they need to minimize distractions to decrease the likelihood of poor behavior. She is going to get the phone back and this is going to repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so full of excuses, I see why your child is becoming an evil little brat.

But she'll be left out!! She won't be able to read the group chat and post on Insta! Don't you want your daughter to be a cool girl?
That's so much more important than a decent human being. I bet this girl gets manis twice a month too.
One mom I know needed a dress ASAP for her daughters band concert and asked her mom to drive her to (expensive boutique) at much hassle. I suggested she just grab the generic dress elsewhere and she said "I wish I could! But I know my daughter and she's not a Kohls girl. She'd have a fit."

[Anonymous]

So she was redshirted, is very old for her grade, and still can't follow grade level rules? That's not good, OP. You need to expect more. The ADHD doesn't excuse poor behavior.

My 11 yo just started 7th grade and hasn't had issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

Does she experience consequences at home? This is an honest question. With a difficult kid, sometimes parents just give up on boundaries and consequences, so the child seems to behave fine at home because the parents are always the ones to give in, which means there is no point of conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

That isn't what the ISS was for though. I'm surprised the principal was in agreement with you on this. The ISS was for insubordination, NOT using the phone in class. The only punishment for using the phone in class was (supposed to be) handing it over for the rest of the day. Our FCPS MS and HS both have that rule.

+1 Our school has the following progression:

Offense 1: Teacher taps on the child's desk without disrupting the rest of the class
Offense 2: Teacher calls down to the office for an administrator, or sends the child to administration to hand over the phone

If the child agrees, they hand over the phone and come back to class

If the child refuses, they receive an ISS and the parent is called

So it sounds like maybe your child missed the first warning, as her head was too far into her phone? Or she's not telling you that she had already been warned once?

At any rate, PPs are correct that kids with ADHD are more prone to phone addition, and your kid sounds addicted. Think about it like this: she could not go 45 minutes without a "hit" and then when asked to give up the drug, she refused even knowing it would lead to a serious consequence.

The addition is driving the bus here.

[Anonymous]

OP is the problem her parenting skills suck.

Even she said her older kids are worse.

This is a house problem not a school problem.

Plus OP is excusing her behavior over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

That isn't what the ISS was for though. I'm surprised the principal was in agreement with you on this. The ISS was for insubordination, NOT using the phone in class. The only punishment for using the phone in class was (supposed to be) handing it over for the rest of the day. Our FCPS MS and HS both have that rule.

The principal isn’t with them. The principal is backing down because OP’s jerk husband went in screaming about an IEP. IEPs do not mean the child isn’t subject to the discipline matrix or the district policies. A good parent would have her serve ISS for being defiant and refusing to hand her phone over. She got a tier 2 consequence because she wouldn’t accept the tier 1 consequence which is standard. And of course she “acts normally” at home- she isn’t being held to firm expectations at home so you’re not seeing her buck up at them. She’s too old for this and you’re not helping her by making excuses for her actions.

[Anonymous]

If she's in 7th, I'd take the phone away until at least the middle of 8th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD(13) got in trouble at school yesterday for being on her phone in class. The teacher saw her using it but didn’t approach her about it and instead gave her an office referral which new policy for 1st time phone use and she was called down to the office. In the office, admin told her she could go back to class after she gave the phone to the assistant principal and it would have to be in the office until the end of the day. But, DD refused to give it up so she got a one day in school suspension for insubordination for not giving her phone to the assistant principal and she wasn’t allowed to return back to class. DD told me that she forgot she couldn’t use her phone in class which I believe is true because she does have ADHD (combined as opposed to my older DD’s inattentive) but I’m not okay with her being defiant and following directions when asked to give her phone up.


When she got home, I talked to her about it and asked her why she didn’t give her phone up and she shrugged and said she didn’t want to give it to him but she did tell me that she was sorry. She isn’t disrespectful at home and is an easier kid at home than our other two older teens. She doesn’t have any behavioral issues besides at typical teen attitude here and there. But, she had gotten in trouble at school a few times for reasons such as not listening and being rude that have resulted in referrals and lunch detentions but this is her first in school suspension. One time in 6th grade, she got an in school suspension for playing around in the bathroom and throwing water on another student using a stall but they later found out that it was another child, so they rescinded the suspension. It turned out to be a wrong place, wrong time type of situation.


She won’t be taking her phone to school anymore and I think the in school suspension and taking her phone away for a few days are good consequences for what she did but DH thinks the suspension is too severe and wants to contest it today, which we most likely won’t do but instead wants to give her consequences at home like taking away all screens including her phone for a longer period and give her another consequence like more chores or no sleepovers but I’m not sure about that. She’s overall a good kid, so I don’t want us to overreact with a bigger punishment but we also want an appropriate consequence.

Your DH is an idiot. Why would he even think of contesting the school over something like this? Your "overall good kid" shows a lot of signs of being a real brat.

[Anonymous]

Let the school serve its punishment (ISS). Otherwise, you are just teaching that the rules in society just don't apply to your child and they will have a rude awakening at some point when it matters more. Soon your child will be on their own at malls, high school, college, airports, restaurants, other places where people won't suffer your kids attitude and will call security or take matters into their own hands, etc. Personally, I think it is useful to learn schools (or restaurant/airport/another country etc) turf, schools etc. rules.

Some fear of consequences from people other than one's parents can save you from considerable harm. Better to learn that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a HS teacher and think it was a massive overreaction from the school and that you are spiraling a bit too. Some of these posters are over the top too. Don’t create a power struggle over the phone. She doesn’t get to take it to school anymore. Leave it at that. Nothing else. Maybe try again in a few months if she matures. They change quickly at this age.

I don’t think it was an overreaction from the school. They wanted her to hand over the phone until the end of the day and she would get it back. It became a problem when she could not just hand over the phone. If that’s not addressed she will be a major problem in high school. She’ll be one of the unstable kids who act like you just took her right hand instead of a phone.

I see this thread was bumped and want to respond. No, she won’t. HS is so much more relaxed than middle school. Kids mature. Teachers are not as militant. It’s not the same at all. No teacher is snatching phones like that in a HS except the one or two crazy ones. We all know who they are.

I really feel bad for this kid. I’m sorry, OP. All of this is going to do is make her hate school.

As a teacher, I hate the power struggle cell phones have becoming now. They should have left it us to us to manage with our own class behavior roles but that’s a different thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

You still don’t get it. It’s wasn’t the first time phone use. IT WAS THE REFUSAL TO GIVE HER PHONE TO THE ADMINISTRATOR. You can’t be that thick.